"Where is Albus?" Minerva McGonagall asked no one in particular as she drummed her fingers impatiently on the table in the staff room.
"Why so impatient, Minerva?" Severus Snape asked grinning. "Do you have something planned for after the meeting?" His eyes flashed between the impatient professor and her just as impatient girlfriend, Xiomara Hooch.
"Wh-wh-what? What are you implying?" Minerva stuttered, surprised at being called on her relationship.
Severus smiled devilishly, pleased that he had gotten under Minerva's skin so. "Hands where we can see them." Minerva's hands shot up and she caught herself and blushed.
Xiomara laughed and her face lit up as she leaned forward, not bothered in the least about discussing the details of her and Minerva's sex life. "Yes, actually. We were planning to head to the Room of Requirement. You'd be surprised the toys you can find there. We may be there for several hours, if not more." Minerva, being the much more private type, swatted at Xiomara to quiet her. "Oooh, I love when she's aggressive!" Minerva blushed again.
"Er… I 'ave ter be goin' now. Gots lots o' animals ter care fer an' all," Hagrid said, standing and backing away, an embarrassed grin on his face.
"You slay that dragon, Hagrid," Severus said, a smile in his eyes.
Hagrid finally managed to leave and the entire staff exploded in laughter.
"That was horrid, Severus!" Minerva scolded once her laughter died down. She blotted a tear from her eye.
"Gay men are mean," Xiomara said, not even bothering to suppress her laughter.
"I resent that," Filius Flitwick piped up. "Not all gay men are mean!"
"Oh, stop trying to create a pedestal for yourself! You have a mean-streak, too. Admit it," Severus said.
"But mine doesn't come out nearly as often as yours, does it?" Filius asked in a squeaky voice.
"You were hopping mad when your lover had that brain trauma thing, though. That fraud, Lockhart," Xiomara added.
"I had been taken in my his charm! If the lot of you weren't stupid lesbians, you would have fallen prey to his charm as well!" Filius answered huffily.
"Ah… There's the mean streak!" Xiomara laughed.
"Where is he?" Minerva asked again, her legs bouncing due to her boredom and anxiousness.
"Xiomara, control your woman!" Severus barked teasingly. Minerva glared at him.
"Unlike the relationship between Lucius and yourself, Xiomara and I are equals. She is not my 'whipping boy' and I am not hers."
"This is what she tells you? And you believe it? Well, we all know who wears the pants in that relationship!" Severus said.
"Stop with your gay boy drama! It reminds me of Potter and Malfoy!" Minerva barked, getting frustrated.
"If anyone reminds anyone of anyone, it's Granger taking after you, Minerva," Severus countered.
"Leave Hermione out of this," McGonagall demanded angrily.
"Oooh, touchy about the little lesbian in training, are we? Xiomara, I do believe you have some competition!" Severus answered, clearly enjoying himself.
"I have to admit, you're both right. Not about the competition thing," Xiomara said immediately upon seeing Minerva turn to her in astonishment. "Just about the reminding thing. Minerva, you have to admit that Hermione acts just like you did while we were in school. And, Severus, don't try to deny it. You can see it the way they bicker. Potter and Malfoy are building up all sorts of sexual tension. Not that Potter would be able to get anything with his whiny boy-toy Ron following him around all the time. That Ron's a whiny one!"
"Speaking of boy-toys, have you seen the masterful way that lee Jordan commands both the Weasley twins? They clearly don't know that they are both the 'other man,'" Severus commented with honest admiration.
"I am not proud that my Gryffindors are two-timing one another!" Minerva snapped.
"If you don't want your Gryffindors two-timing one another, you should watch the littlest Weasley. She'll be a forced to reckon with. She has Granger and Lovegood head-over-heels for her," Severus laughed as Minerva's eyes widened.
"I'm beginning to think all the Weasley children are gay!" Minerva said in astonishment.
"Except Bill!" Xiomara screeched, laughing.
"You know what I don't understand?" Minerva began, "What about Crabbe and Goyle? Are they with each other or is Malfoy banging them both on the side? Wait," she put a hand up to stop Severus who had opened his mouth to answer, "I don't want to know!"
"Min', are any of your Gryffindors straight?" Xiomara asked.
"I think Lavander is."
Trelawney laughed in a mysterious and choked on the smoke she had conjured for effect. "Please!" she exclaimed, recovering, "She's not straight! She's with Parvati! I had a vision! I saw it with my Inner Ey-"
"You caught them together," the other four interrupted in a bored voice.
Trelawney scowled. "I caught them because of my vision!" she insisted.
"You know who I'm curious about? Why you are discussing this? I don't remember any of that being on today's schedule."
They all turned to find Dumbledore smiling broadly with an undeniable twinkle in his eyes.