"Xiomara, you wouldn't believe it! The poor dear! Weasley broke her jaw! He's supposed to be her friend and he broke her jaw! Poppy says it was past midnight when Ginny brought Hermione in! Past midnight! You haven't seen her 'Mara. She's such a trooper, wanted to go to her classes today and everything! Do you know why Weasley hit her?" Minerva was saying to Xiomara as they entered the staff room early, as usual.
"No, why-" Xiomara began.
"Ginny told Poppy it's because Hermione's gay! Xiomara, in the Sates, they call that a hate-crime!" Minerva interrupted. She sat down in a huff. "I swear, when I see that boy, he'll be serving detentions with Filch for the rest of his Hogwarts career!"
"What has that one all atwitter?" Severus asked, coming in after the couple had sat down. "I heard her all the way from the dungeons."
"Well, young Ronald Weas-" Xiomara started before again being interrupted by an overzealous Minerva.
"Weasley punched Hermione and broke her jaw because she's gay!"
"No! You're kidding!" Severus said, now thoroughly intrigued. "Gryffindor versus Gryffindor? That's a new one!"
"I mean, he actually punched her! Because of her sexual orientation!"
"When did she find out?" Severus asked Xiomara, practically giddy.
"At one in the morning. Guess how long I've been hearing about it," Xiomara answered. "Since two when she left the girl's bedside."
"It's not funny, Sev! This is as bad as attacks on Muggle-borns! Both are stupid prejudices!"
"Minnie, calm down!"
"And all her friends just stood there! They did nothing! I mean, they just let her get punched when it really could have been any one of them! Ron's the only 'straight' Weasley child, so it could have been Ginny, Fred, George, Bill, Charlie, or Harry! And they just sat back and did nothing! I mean, they don't come any gayer than the Weasleys and Potter! They're as flamboyant as you get! And they did nothing!"
"Min!" Xiomara finally shouted. "This yelling isn't going to do anything!"
"Then why are you yelling?" Minerva shouted back, unaware of exactly how loud she had become.
"You're very sensitive about the-"
"Don't you dare call her the 'dyke-in-training,' Severus," Minerva warned, shooting daggers.
Severus held up both hands in mock submission, "I wasn't going to!"
"What's going on? Are you three bickering already?" Filius squeaked as he entered.
"Sweet Merlin," Xiomara groaned under her breath. "Here we go again."
"Ronald Weasley broke Hermione Granger's jaw because she's gay!"
"I thought those two and Potter were all best friends. Three peas in a pod, as it were," Filius commented as he hoisted himself into his chair.
"I thought so, too, but Potter did nothing when Weasley punched Granger!"
"Ah… I have seen it with my-hiccup- Inner Eye!" Sybill declared, entering with a half-empty bottle of Sherry in her hand. "The Raven among the Lions-hiccup- has been attacked by a red-haired man! She has seen-hiccup- the Grim!"
Both Xiomara and Minerva jumped up.
"I'll throttle her!" Minerva yelled. "Just one punch!" She struggled against Xiomara's hold.
"If anyone's gonna hit her, it'll be me," Xiomara huffed, not having forgotten Sybill's fantasies.
"Oh, calm down, you angry lesbians," Severus said, waving a hand at them lazily.
Minerva pulled out of Xiomara's hold and leapt over the table…
Xiomara, on the other hand, charged at a drunken Sybill who had been eyeing Minerva from the second she entered.
Severus screamed loudly like a little girl while Sybill stumbled over her robes and tripped.
"Eeepp!" Filius cried, ducking under the table as to avoid the crystal ball Xiomara aimed back at its owner.
"Is Dumbledore 'ere yet?" Hagrid asked, sticking his head in as Minerva knocked Severus from his chair.
"Yes, I am," Albus answered, walking into the staff room. "Sweet Merlin!"
Minerva was sitting on Severus' chest and pulling at his greasy hair, Xiomara was pushing Sybill in circles and causing her turban to come unraveled, and poor Filius was cowering behind a fen in the corner nursing a bloody nose. All of their wands lay strewn across the floor and table, utterly forgotten in the mayhem.
"Enough!" Albus roared. "Sit."
Each of the assembled professors went back to their usual seats as his command.
The five teachers immediately began talking at once.
"Silence!" Albus called. "One at a time. Minerva, you may go first."
"Weasley decked Granger because she's a lesbian."
"So you felt the need to deck Severus because?"
"Because he mocked the poor dear and acted like a complete arse!"
"I am not a complete arse!" Severus argued.
"No," Minerva agreed. "Not completely."
"That's basically what happened. But I was mocking Minerva and Xiomara, not Granger."
"She's very touchy about the dyke-in-training," Severus whispered.
Minerva jumped up again but Albus but out an arm to steady her.
"I see. Xiomara?"
"That crazy ol' bat of a 'seer' keeps making eyes at Minerva!"
"Ah, yes. Sybill?"
"The tartan one is-hiccup-" she began, her turban askew and her glasses lost, "Sexy."
Xiomara jumped up at this but Minerva grabbed her hand tightly and pulled her back down.
"I see. Filius?"
"They're all out of their bloody minds!" Filius squeaked.
"Alright. Stay seated, please. Do not attack each other. I shall be back momentarily."
"Xiomara," Minerva asked once Albus had left, "did you really attack her because she was looking at me?"
"You didn't see! That drunken old 'seer' was planning something!"
"You really needn't worry, 'Mara," Minerva purred.
"Oh, is that so?" Xiomara smiled, leaning closer to Minerva.
"Enough of you two! I've seen and heard enough of your love life! No more PDA!" Severus said, faking a gag.
"You're just angry because you're not getting any," Xiomara laughed. "It's not our fault that Lucius is an idiot and got caught while working for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
"I'll have you know that I am too 'getting some'!" Severus argued.
"With who? Filius?" Minerva mocked.
"I should say not!" both men declared at once.
"But that's really his lost," Filius continued. "I may look small, but, ooo… The engorgement charms I cast…"
"Gross, Filius! Too much information! You're bringing up my lunch!" Minerva declared, disgusted.
Sybill, on the other hand, was now watching Filius intently. "Tell me about them," she breathed.
"Anyway!" Severus continued, "Lucius got out! We've already met up for countless 'missions for the Dark Lord.'"
"You're incorrigible, Sev," Minerva laughed.
"Now that I think about it, you have been in a considerably better mood," Xiomara noted.
"Alright," Albus announced, standing in the doorway. He ushered in a very frazzled Ron.
Minerva's eyes widened. "Weasley!"
"I've heard you've quite a night," Severus commented.
"You don't know the half of it!" Albus declared, his eyes twinkling madly. "I've just been informed that young Miss Weasley had cast her infamous Bat-Bogey hex on him before escorting Miss Granger to the hospital wing. She must have forgotten to undo it because I had to perform the counter-curse when I found the boy huddled in a corner of the Gryffindor common room."
Minerva barely managed to suppress a chuckle.
"Mr. Weasley, would you care to explain what happened last night?" Albus continued.
Ron looked at his professors with bloodshot eyes. "I…"
And then he vomited.
"The boy can't hold his liquor!" Xiomara exclaimed, a smile evident in her voice.
"Well," Minerva interjected, "we've beard that you punched Miss Granger because she did not return your love. Is this true?"
Ron opened his mouth to answer before he was cut off.
"That's what I thought. Seventy-five points from Gryffindor."
"Professor!" Ron argued. "That's your own house!"
"It is, indeed, and you tarnish its name. Misters Fred and George Weasley and Mister Potter will also be docked fifteen points for doing nothing.
"Miss Weasley, on the other hand, earned thirty points for her use of the Bat-Bogey Hex to defend her peer. And Miss Granger? She's earned eighty points for handling her attack with such class. And, you, Weasley, shall be serving detentions with Filch for the remainder of the school year."
"But, Professor! It's not even Christmas yet!"
"Best not to argue, boy," Xiomara warned icily.
"Weasley, you may let Filch know that the two of you can start by scrubbing every cauldron in my classroom, without magic, tonight. I'll expect you both at quarter to eight, sharp," Severus smiled.
"Very well, Mr. Weasley. It seems you are dismissed," Albus gestured. "Hagrid, if you would escort him to Argus' quarters? Oh, and Xiomara, you must let the Gryffindor captain know that they are in need of a new Keeper since Ron has lost his privilege to play quidditch. Thank you, Hagrid."
"But-!" Ron argued over his shoulder as Hagrid escorted him from the room.
When the pair had left, Albus turned back to his staff. "I trust you've all calmed considerably now and we can get some work done?"
Minerva and Xiomara exchanged looks with Severus before looking at Sybill-who was staring, unblinking, at poor Filius- and Filius- who was inching away under her gaze.
The three of them erupted in laughter.
A/N: Thanks to Shinigami's Shadow and SilverPantsSven for the "gay as you get" quote!