Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs, just the season one and two DVDs which have AWESOME extras...
Okey-dokiley, once again I have to credit RainyDayz. She gave me the idea to write a fic about what could have happened in the elevator, and I expanded on it with this strange, twisted plot (MWAHAH). So, again, go thank her! She's a diabolical genius.
(Note--the beginnings of this fic are from the actual episode. They only change once JD gets tied up, because, unlike in the episode, the elevator remains stalled).
"Kelso asked me to give him a physical, I did it, he said 'thank you' and told me he owed me one," I finally blurt out before the shrink leaves.
He immediately halts, staring back at me in disbelief. "You actually made a decision that benefited your life personally and professionally?" he says, drawing out the words as if they're from the bible. This guy is more than getting on my nerves.
"Well, a resident kinda talked me into it," I admit, thinking of how Newbie had persuaded me earlier.
His expression is skeptical. Looking me right in the eye, he says, "Yeah, come on, you're telling me that you took the advice of another human being."
I nod. Strange as it is, I guess I did take the advice from Newbie. The "doctor" looks completely stunned at me, trying to find words. "It's a great moment for me," he finally manages to say.
"Congratulations." I hold back the snort threatening to sound long enough to get through the rest of the conversation.
"Thank you," he says smugly. He turns away, but hesitates. Before he leaves he adds, "And Perry, if there's someone in your life at that hell-hole of a hospital who you actually listen to, you should do everything in your power to keep them around. Because that person is nothing short of a genius."
Then all of the rewards from my accomplishment seem to slip down a drain. I don't mention to him that the resident switched off my schedule because he, much like the shrink and all of the other people I know, was just plain fed up.
"Everybody was kung-fu fighting!" I sing out, busting a move. Then I pause as it reaches the third floor, just in case the doors open. They don't. Grinning, I continue, "Those cats were fast as lightn—"
I feel a lurch and the elevator stops. Gaping about the elevator for a moment, it dawns on me that it's busted. Wow. Lucky I haven't been paged for anything really urgent (it was just that new doctor what's-his-name I've been on service with), or this could be a real mess…
I find the emergency phone built into the elevator and pick it up.
"Batcave," answers a deep voice.
"Hi, yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator…?" I tell the man, fidgeting as I think about what happens to people stuck in elevators. I've seen so many episodes to TV shows where women give birth in one, or people start tearing each other to shreds…thank GOD I'm alone.
"Yeah... I'm afraid it might be a little while," says the voice, suddenly not deep anymore.
I hesitate, trying to place the voice. Then it hits me. "Because you did this!" I exclaim, recognizing him as none other than my arch-enemy, the janitor himself.
Damn it. I'm screwed.
"Aw, now, I think we both know you did this to yourself," he says in a fatherly voice. "Well, I'll let you go."
I hear a dial tone. "Hello?" I ask feebly to the empty line. This is going to be a looooong night.
I can almost feel my chest bursting with pride. I may be a janitor, but look what I've accomplished! That doctor is so efficiently stuck in the elevator that I have to marvel at my own work for a moment.
Once I'm finished basking in the glow of my cunning, I start the climb down the elevator shaft with my handy-dandy roll of duct tape. Time to let the fun begin…
"In the event of a water landing…" I can hear the resident muttering to himself just before I kick the panel of the elevator top down.
"Yep. Incoming," I warn him, jumping down.
Ah. And there he is on the floor, the plan perfectly executed. He hurriedly puts down the stethoscope he was talking to and stands up in disbelief, his eyes wide and fearful.
"How you doing?" I ask him conversationally, checking to make sure my duct tape is still in my pocket at the ready.
"Did you just climb down an elevator shaft to torment me?" he stammers, taking a step back.
"Well," I explain to him, "sometimes in life you gotta do what you gotta do." Then I stare at him accusingly. He does deserve it, stupid doctor…he'll be driving a Porsche within the year, I know it—doesn't even have the decency to hold open the elevator for a janitor with a ton of cleaning supplies—
"Look," he says pleadingly, "I promise you, the 'door open' button was not working!"
I give him a look. "Mm-hmm. No, it's okay. We're gonna be able to work this thing out, seriously."
A flicker of hope flashes in his eyes. This is more fun than I thought it would be. Deftly, I retrieve my roll of duct tape from its hiding place and show it to the trapped resident.
"Put your hands together life you're praying," I command.
At first he doesn't make a move, but fortunately for him he decides the better of it and holds out his hands. Perfect. I've got him right where I want him. I quickly wrap the sticky tape around his wrists so they're tied together and step back to admire my handiwork.
"How's that?" I ask him.
"Just lovely," he deadpans. "Can I get outta here now?"
I look up as if I'm considering it. "Nah," I decide, hoisting myself up to the hole in the ceiling and settling on the elevator roof. I replace the ceiling panel so he can't get out and start the climb back up. I'll probably call back again in, say, an hour. Just when the madness starts to kick in.
I love my job.
I stare at the janitor in shock as he departs. Did he seriously just jump right out of the elevator? How did he learn to jump that high?
After the initial surprise wears off, I remember my current dilemma. "HEY!" I call out to him. But he's already repositioned the panel and made his way up. I wonder how long he's going to leave me in here. Surely someone will notice that the elevator's busted once they can't get a wheelchair patient through. It should be any minute now.
I tap my stethoscope on the side of the wall absent-mindedly. Bored, bored, bored. Really bored. Even being yelled at by Dr. Cox would be more fun than this. I lean my head back against the wall at the thought of Dr. Cox. I wonder how Doug is doing. I feel kind of bad about leaving him with the world's most torturous doctor, but I need a break. Seriously.
There. It's justified. Although the new doctor I'm taking commands from isn't nearly as amusing to make fun of, I'm getting my break and everything's good.
A crack sounds through my stethoscope and straight into my ears . "Ow!" I yell, ripping the device out of my ears. Where did that come from?
I look up just two seconds too late. Down comes the ceiling panel right in the middle of the elevator, exactly where I happen to have jumped after the loud noise.
And it's dark.
"Carla, you seen Newbie?" I ask once I get to the hospital.
She thinks for a moment. "Yeah, I did see him today. But not so much lately, now that I think about it. What happened, Kelso switch his shift? I swear, sometimes that man…"
"Um, no," I interrupt. "He switched his own shift."
"Huh?" She cocks her head, confused, but once she sees my expression she understands. "Perry…you had to have known it was going to happen sooner or later. Couldn't you try being nice for two seconds? Everyone in the hospital knows that J.D.'s your scapegoat. Cut the kid some slack."
"He's happier off my shift anyway," I say, shrugging.
"You don't know that," Carla says, looking over a patient's chart and demonstrating the amazing multi-tasking abilities of nurses. "I bet you Bambi starts missing you after awhile, too."
"Wait. I don't miss him," I protest her implication.
She scoffs. "Then why do you want to know where he is?"
"I needed to ask him about his patient," I lie. "It's important."
She shrugs. "Last I saw him he was headed up to the fifth floor. That was, like, an hour ago, though. Weird. He said he'd have dinner with us. Guess he was caught up."
"Hm." I stalk off to the elevator and hit the "up" button. After several minutes of waiting, though, nothing happens.
"It's busted," a younger nurse tells me.
"Look, maybe you're new. But I'm Dr. Cox. You don't speak with me unless you want it to be the last few moments of your life, and judging by the lack of wrinkles on your face, you've still got a while to go, kid. Now get outta my face."
She scurries off to another nurse, who, I assume, tries to explain my mannerisms. I grab a phone and dial maintenance.
"What the hell?"
"Oh, sorry. How can I help you, sir?"
"The damn elevator's broken. How long till it's fixed?"
"I'd say another hour or so, sir," says the voice on the other end. "I'll be right on it."
"You'd better be," I say threateningly, slamming down the phone. Now, off to find Newbie. Resorting to the stairs, I start my search on the fifth floor, where Carla said he'd be.
"Anderson," I stop the supervisor. "You got a new kid on your service? Screams like a girl and occasionally makes remarks about his ass?"
He frowns at me disapprovingly. The two of us haven't been on good terms since our first day of internship here, when I got Kelso, who was a supervisor at the time, seriously pissed off at him. It was only a matter of time till he got revenge, and well, you know how it all turned out in the end.
"J.D.? The resident that switched off your service?" he rubs in my face, a cocky smirk on his face. "What about him?"
I hold back my fists, trying to do that stupid "count to ten" thing. One…tw—ten. "Shut the hell up, Anderson, it's not my fault she's a wuss."
"Actually, Dr. Dorian is very well practiced…"
"Blah, blah, blah," I mock him. Dr. Dorian, huh? Gee, that sounded creepy. Too official for Newbie. "Carla says you sent him up here an hour ago. Where'd he go?—I gotta ask him about some damn patient."
He frowns. "I did page him, didn't I? Weird. Haven't seen him yet."
"So he didn't come to the fifth floor?"
"Nope. Probably knew you'd be looking for him and hid," he laughs. Of course. Everyone probably knows about Newbie and the spinal patient's little plan to throw me off his tail by this time.
"No, seriously, where's Newbie?"
He shrugs. "I dunno. Page him."
I scoff. "Yeah, right."
"If it's about a patient, you have to page him," he reminds me overbearingly.
Patient? What—oh. "Right. I will. Thanks for nothing, buddy."
I roll my eyes when my back is turned. Some help he was. I wish this hospital wasn't so big, it's really starting to annoy me. I decide to check out the cafeteria, remembering Carla mentioned he hadn't met them for dinner.
There's nobody there except a janitor.
"Hullo, doctor," he greets me jovially.
"You're in a good mood," I comment, though I don't really care. I grab myself a pudding and sit down across from him.
"You bet I am." He takes a big spoonful of celebratory pudding and swallows it down, looking like the happiest man in the world. I bet you he never had someone like a resident reject him. It's true that all Newbie was trying to do was help…I wish I hadn't yapped at him. Well, there are a lot of times I've yapped at him, so it wouldn't be much of a difference. Still, shifts without a Newbie to torment were pretty dull. Newbie wasn't one for the "get me the chart in eight seconds" gag, but he did do some pretty stupid things.
"What's going on?"
"Did you know the elevator's broken?" he asks me, completely ignoring my question.
"Yes. I'm aware."
He leans in close to me. "Guess who did it?"
I pull my head back away from him, shielding my pudding cup in disgust. "You did what?"
"I stalled the elevator," he says as if it's a secret, just between the two of us. "The ultimate revenge…"
"I just called you twenty minutes ago to fix it," I growl, trying to suppress my rage.
The janitor pales. "Of course, sir. I was only joking. I was getting right on it, but I was just…so…hungry…"
"Save it," I snarl. "Now fix the damn elevator, it's a real inconvenience."
"But what? How does fixing the elevator cost you anything? Won't it be easier for you to get around, too?"
He thinks for a moment. "Yeah. But you don't fully understand the situation, doctor. I wouldn't expect you too. See, it's not easy being a janitor…it's quite disgusting, actually. And those darn elevators…five bucks sure would help, you know? A little contribution to the poor, helpless janitor."
"You get paid more than the residents," I point out to him.
"Five dollars," he asserts, holding out his hand. "Give it before I make it ten."
"You're a horrible person," I seethe, digging the five dollar bill into his greedy palm. "Damn you."
"I try," he says, flexing his shoulders. "I try."
"How long will it take?"
"Two minutes tops," he says, tossing the pudding away.
"Send the elevator to this floor…I'll be waiting."
He takes his sweet time walking out of the cafeteria. What is the matter with that janitor? In the past two years I tend to be seeing him more often than I've seen him in then entire fourteen years I've been at this hospital. We're always on the same floor. It kind of creeps me out.
Stupid doctor. At least I made an easy five bucks, I think to myself, picking up my phone from maintenance. I hit the speed dial for the elevator (that's number two…the kid's pager is number one) and lean back against the wall, ready to enjoy my last three minutes of torment before I finally lift up the elevator.
Nothing happens. Okay, now he's in trouble. He can't just ignore—
Oh, wait, I tied his hands up. I chuckle proudly to myself, remembering the scene. Maybe just one more trip down the shaft wouldn't hurt. You know, just to make sure that I've completely spent my daily revenge allowance.
I finger the five dollars. Well, I did promise the nice doctor…I reluctantly pull down the lever, releasing the elevator to the third floor, saluting to the picture of the resident I've colored mustaches on to pass the time away. What am I supposed to do when we don't have the same shift and I can't trip him with a mop? Torture some other resident? No, no, no. It doesn't work like that. He's lucky I'm so loyal.
Well, my work here is done.
I tap my foot, waiting impatiently for the elevator. I don't really know why I'm making such a big deal out of a broken machine. I don't really give a crap about the transportation or anyone else's inconvenience. I guess I just needed to bug someone, and the janitor was right there.
It's justified, though. I paid him. Not to mention that I have a sneaking suspicion that he's not as innocent as he pretends to be.
Eventually the doors start to open. "Finally," I say impatiently, ready to get on. I don't really know what floor I'm going to, but—
I squint for a moment. There's a big block of ceiling panel awkwardly placed on what appears to be a motionless person in scrubs. I look up at the elevator ceiling and notice that there's a hole. Sighing for my bad luck, I lift the heavy panel off of the person and take a step back.
Of course this would happen. This is karma, isn't it? Now that I feel bad about being mean to a resident for the first time in my life, something has to happen to him to make things ten times worse.
He doesn't answer, clearly unconscious. Damn, that's got to hurt. And I bet it's all my fault for making him switch shifts. This wouldn't have happened if I'd just…
I come back to myself and stop staring at Newbie like an idiot. "Carla!" I call out to the nurses' station, leaning down to take Newbie's pulse. He's good for now, but he's going to be feeling this in the morning. "Carla!"
"What?" she demands, clearly annoyed at having to race over here. Immediately she stops pursing her lips at me when she sees the situation. "What the hell happened?"
"The elevator's been busted. It just got fixed, and whoop-de-doo, look who I found!"
She races out of the corridor, presumably to get him a gurney. I look at the blood and think of the stitches he's going to need on his head and how there will quite possibly be a scar that stays with him for the rest of his life. I think of going to work with him every morning and looking at that scar and saying to myself, "I did that." Not directly, obviously, but he wouldn't even be here trailing after that lame-ass doctor if it weren't for me.
One of the nurses passes us and gasps. "What did you do?" she squeals, turning her heels and running away. "Nurse Roberts!" I hear her calling.
That's just what we need.
Carla comes in with a gurney and another doctor. "We'll handle this," says Carla, nodding at me to go ahead and leave.
"No, I can—"
"Dr. Cox." Carla's voice easily dominates my own as she stares me down. "I think…maybe someone else should."
"What, you think I did this?"
She shakes her head, trying not to laugh. "No, I just don't think that…he'd want you too, you know? He seemed upset enough already—"
"He's not upset."
"You don't know interns like I do, Dr. Cox. They don't cry in front of you half the time—"
"Newbie cries? Someone get me a gun, I need to get outta—"
"No, you moron, just the girl interns. And sometimes Doug. Nervous guy," she clarifies before continuing. "I just don't think Bambi would want you treating him after… Do you have any idea how this happened? When has an elevator panel ever fallen like that?" She picks up the heavy slab, weighing it with her arm. "It's heavy, too. No wonder."
I shrug. "Freak accident," I guess aloud. "The janitor stalled the elevators to piss off the doctors…it was just chance that Newbie was in there."
"The interns have names, you know."
"Yeah, right, and you calling him 'Bambi' definitely calls for a stern reprimanding towards me. At least I don't use the names of Disney characters," I snap, searching the hallway to try and see where they've taken the gurney.
"Well, excuse me," she huffs, but she's already distracted, too. Her tone softens as she says, "I'm sure he wouldn't mind you visiting after he's okay, though. Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on him for you."
I snort, trying not to sound as freaked out about this whole mess as I feel. I quickly realize, though, that that's impossible. "Yeah. Thanks," I say to her.
She nods and follows the path of the gurney. My legs seem frozen, rooted to the spot. I had come in here only an hour or so ago, completely aware of what I was going to do. Now I just feel horrible. I'm unaccustomed to this. Damn that shrink, look what he's done to me, actually making me take responsibilities for my actions…he ought to be fired like all the rest…
But, swallowing hard, I know that he's right. I should be doing everything I can to keep Newbie—annoying as he can be—in my life. Even if it means no more scapegoat-ing him, inconvenient as it sounds.
I sigh. It'll be easy for now, because at least, I think to myself as the man passes, I can blame the janitor.
"Hey!" I call out to the uniformed maintenance worker, who obviously knows of the elevator disaster by now. "You, stop!"
"Sorry doctor—urgent call on third floor—"
Yep, Newbie's definitely going to be getting it easier from now on…because he did earn it. In a strange, irritating resident kind of way, he earned it well.
Revieweth or thou shalt...er...not sleep well tonight because the guilt will ravage your soul...so, yeah. Sleep is good. Thanks again to RainyDayz for sparking thsis fic with the great idea!