Warnings: Where to begin? This story pokes fun at various aspects of the Narnia fandom, including Mary Sues, incest, Lucy/Tumnus, and slash. So if it makes fun of all those things, you know that it must either contain or imply all those things. If you write one of those types of stories, then please don't be too angry. I know that there are plenty of well written OC's out there and this is all in fun. This story contains strong sexual innuendo, language, violence, and probably even blasphemy if you take the whole Aslan Jesus thing incredibly seriously. Basically, don't read if you are easily offended.
Disclaimer: Narnia and various familiar characters were created by C.S. Lewis. Contains a brief appearance by a character from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
AN: This is a humor/parody fic. Things such as modern language and inconsistent or incorrect spellings are done on purpose.
The Pevensies and the Sues
The afternoon sun shone idyllically over western Narnia and two kings stood in the forest, as though waiting for something.
"Well, Peter," Edmund said, "Here we are, you a strapping young High King of seventeen and me a slightly less desirable kinglet of thirteen in the spot where we came through the wardrobe several years ago. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN?"
Peter scratched his head and looked around.
"I thought that something would happen when I said that," Edmund said sheepishly. At that moment someone bumped into him, Edmund drew his sword and without looking made a great slashing motion.
"Ed! It's just a girl."
The girl, who had avoided Edmund with lightning fast reflexes, now tossed her long platinum hair. "Just a girl? JUST a GIRL?" Her voice was like a song. A shrill, angry song, but a song nonetheless. "I'll have you know that I am Violet Cornelia Moonshine Galadriel Jones and I am not just a girl, you uncultured pig-boy!" Peter was instantly enticed by her wit and charm.
Violet had purple eyes and was dressed very strangely. Her legs were nearly bare. She wore heels with very pointy spikes, a skirt that came down to mid thigh, and a shirt that said "Pretty Bitch" with a picture of a bloated kitten on the front of it. Peter couldn't stop staring at her kneecaps which were pleasantly dimpled. He firmly believed that the kneecaps were the most beautiful part of the female body. He only wished that he had seen more kneecaps so he could compare them to the beautiful ones of this girl. He must beg for her forgiveness.
"I beg your pardon fair lady," he said.
The girl waved her hand magnanimously. "You are forgiven."
Then she pulled another girl, seemingly out of thin air. This girl was very different; she had the palest skin that Peter had ever seen, black hair, red eyes, and was dressed in layers of torn looking, black garments. "This is my sister Ivy Sunbeam –"
"My name," the girl interrupted, "is Gothika. Just Gothika."
"Gothicka is a goth," Violet explained. Peter had no idea what this meant, but he was too busy staring at Violet's kneecaps to care.
"Gothicka and I are both fifteen," Violet said. "We're twins."
"From the fu – ture," Gothicka said very slowly as though speaking to children. "The year 2006."
Edmund narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How did you know that we are from the 1940's? In fact, how did you know that we are from our world at all?"
"Oh," Violet said, "Gothyicka can read minds. And tell the future. She knew that we were going to come into Narnia today. She told me all about it and all about you two. And I can move things with my mind. See," she finished by making Edmund's sword float out of his hand and spin around violently. "I can also do this," she pulled her tongue out so that it stretched about two feet away from her head and she wrapped it around her neck. Peter wondered use this was.
"They're witches! They're witches!" Edmund shrieked. Peter felt sure that if Edmund had his sword, then both girls would be dead now.
"Don't be ridiculous Edmund!" Violet said. "Having magical powers doesn't make us witches! It makes us special."
"Well, that's all right then," said Edmund.
"Can you tell us about the future?" Peter asked.
"Why yes," Violet said. "First England won the war and then a bunch of boring stuff happened and then everyone started wearing blue jeans and some more boring stuff happened and then someone invented the internet which is like the coolest thing ever and then Gothycka and I discovered our powers and saved the world? Understand?"
"No . . ."
"I knew it would be too much for your feeble mind to grasp."
"Aren't you going to invite us back to your castle?" Gothyka asked.
"I suppose . . ."
"I think that this would be the perfect time to tell you about our tastes in men!" Violet said. "Now, me, I like heroic, always-do-the-right-thing types with broad chests, my sister, on the other hand likes younger boys with that whole 'bad boy' thing going on."
"What a coincidence!" Edmund exclaimed.
When they got back to Cair Paravel, Susan and Lucy greeted them. "These are our sisters Susan and Lucy . . ." Peter began.
"We know," Violet said.
Mr. Tumnus came in and began asked if they would like any refreshments. "Who is that?" Gothika asked. "He wasn't in my prophetic visions."
"Uh, that's Mr. Tumnus," Edmund said. "He's our butler or something."
"Mr. Tumnus is not a butler!" Lucy yelled. Everyone ignored her.
"Cool," Violet said.
"Cool?" Edmund asked.
"Oh I forgot that you're idiots from the past. Cool is like the coolest word ever. All the cool kids say it."
"Cool," Edmund said.
As soon as they got the two girls settled in their rooms (they had to have the best in the castle), they talked about the enchanting pair with their sisters.
"I don't like them," Susan said. "I don't like people who are prettier than me. And who are freaks."
"I think they're witches," Edmund said conversationally
"I think that they are evil Mary Sues bent on marrying the two of you and smothering all of us with their obnoxious perfection," said Lucy. Everyone ignored her.
"Nonsense," Peter said. "They are just wonderful girls with beautiful kneecaps. What could possibly be wrong with that?"
That night, while Peter was sitting out on the terrace, Violet came out wearing only a flimsy negligee.
"Oh Peter," she said. "Fancy meeting you here."
"I was just working on love sonnets in between oiling my muscles," Peter said. Violet laughed.
Meanwhile, as Edmund was sleeping peacefully in his bed, he felt a weight bear down upon his legs. "Hello Edmund," said a voice in the darkness.
"Hello," Edmund said, "please get off my legs." Gothuka laughed.
Out on the terrace, Violet was staring up at the moon. "You have no idea how difficult it is to have these powers, Peter," she breathed, the silken tassels of her purple negligee blowing in the wind. Peter drooled as he stared at her kneecaps.
"If only I wasn't burdened with this incredible beauty, intelligence, and special powers."
"Um . . . well . . ." Peter put his arms around her. Violet leaned into him. "I think that your kneecaps are really hot."
"I mean, um, your beauty is like a – a –"
"Peter, are you trying to tell me that you want to write a ballad about my hair?"
"Well not exactly . . ."
"See, I'm seventeen years old and I have certain . . . um . . . unfulfilled desires and I thought that since you seemed to like me so much . . ."
Violet's violet eyes turned violent. "Peter! HOW DARE YOU! What kind of slut do you think I am?"
Meanwhile, Gothuka had stood up and was staring at Edmund. She let her black cloak fall from her shoulders to reveal white arms . . . arms that were many times scarred.
"Er . . . it kind of looks like you have my name scratched into your arms about a hundred times," Edmund said.
Gothuka looked at him with wide eyes. "I do."
"That's . . . interesting. I think you should leave now."
She grabbed Edmund's shoulders, digging her long fingernails into his flesh. "Do you have any idea how my angst ridden soul longs for you? And yet you mock me with your cruel words! This could cause me to kill myself and it would be ALL YOUR FAULT, Edmund. Do you really want that on your conscience? I mean, you already killed Aslan. That was what attracted me to you in the first place. We both have dark souls. "
Violet was looking at Peter with sad eyes. "Don't you understand, Peter? Our love is far too holy, too true to mar with sex."
"Are you sure about that?" Peter asked.
"Damn." Peter didn't like Violet nearly as much as before.
Gothuka was straddling Edmund's stomach. "Now, Edmund," she said very patiently, "we've established that you have a wild sexual attraction to me."
"YES! Now, what do people who are as meant for each other as you and I do when they are alone?"
"Um . . . kiss?"
"Yes, and then what?"
"Um . . . touch?"
"And then what?"
"You do know I'm only thirteen, right?"
Gothnika laughed and bit Edmund's nose.
"Ow!" Edmund said.
The next morning found Peter, Susan and Lucy enjoying a nice breakfast by themselves.
"Peter," Susan said, "you've got to tell that girl that you brought here from the "future" to stop following me around. She's always showing off her special powers and trying to make me look like a bitch."
"She won't do anything thing that I say," Peter muttered moodily.
Edmund walked in, hands on his hips, and looked proudly around the room. "I got deflowered last night," he announced.
Peter spit out his milk. "What!" he yelled.
"Good job, Ed," Susan said. "I knew that it would happen soon."
Peter banged his fist on the table. "This is so unfair! You're only thirteen!"
"Looks like Peter is the only one in the family who hasn't been deflowered," Susan laughed.
"What! When did Lucy get deflowered?" Peter roared.
"Oh, ages ago," Susan answered him, "she was the very first of all of us."
"Didn't you know?" asked Edmund.
Lucy blushed and looked down. Peter drew his sword. A very difficult feat when one is seated at a breakfast table. "Who was the man who did this? I'll kill him!"
"Well, I don't know that I'd call him a man, exactly," Edmund said. "It was Mr. Tumnus."
"What! That is just disgusting!"
"It is not!" Lucy objected, "And I can assure you that Mr. Tumnus is all man."
"I'm pretty sure that he's half goat. . ." Susan mused.
"Aren't you upset that Susan has been deflowered?" Edmund asked Peter.
Peter put his sword away grumpily. "Oh, everyone knows that Susan is a total slut," he groused.
Peter perked up considerably when, the next day, an envoy from a far away country called "elf-land" arrived at the castle. He hadn't even known that Narnia had a place called elf-land, but he had never paid much attention to geography. What excited Peter was the fact that the envoy contained several girls of extraordinary beauty and power, all of whom seemed to be interested in Peter. He was sure that he would lose his accursed virginity yet.
"I think that they multiply overnight," Lucy whispered to Susan three weeks later, looking at the over fifty beautiful girls who were milling about the great hall. Everyday within the last three weeks, more girls had shown up. Some claimed to be from a foreign country, some claimed to be Narnians, some were from their world, some from the future and some from the past, some were from a different world altogether. Yet they all shared an obsessive love for either Peter or Edmund or both. Lucy thought that they must all come from the same source; they were really very similar in their beauty and perfection.
Susan stamped her foot on the ground. "This is so unfair!" she said. "I'm the pretty one in the family! I should be the one with scores of suitors. But do I get even one? NO. I'm supposed to be one of the most beautiful women in the world."
"Not anymore," Lucy said smugly, looking at the girls.
When Peter and Edmund walked in, Susan grabbed Peter by the arm. "We've got to get rid of them," she said.
"Fine by me," Peter grumbled. Despite the fact that most of the girls were in love with him, he still hadn't managed to lose his virginity. They were all exactly the same as Violet. They said that they loved Peter too much to sleep with him and that it would have to wait until their wedding night. Edmund, on the other hand, somehow managed to get all the sluts. It was enough to make Peter furious.
"I don't think we need to get rid of all of them," Edmund said slowly. "We just need to thin down the herd a bit. I know! Let's get rid of all the ones who like Peter."
"They're all evil," Lucy said. "Pure evil. We must purge them from our kingdom."
"Can I at least keep Gothikya?" Edmund asked, a bit desperately. "She does have my name scratched into her arm."
"That's pretty psycho," Peter said.
"They're all . . . WITCHES, Edmund," Susan told him dramatically.
They both paused as one of the girls walked by them and pressed a note into Peter's hand. Without much interest, Peter opened it up and read it.
U R hawt. :)
i luv u. :
Ps-- ur kNeecaps r hawt 2"
Peter sighed and crumpled up the note. They were all teases. All vicious little teases. Peter had received many such notes over the last weeks and one thing that he learned was that they were never an invitation for deflowering. Another thing that he learned was that apparently spelling wasn't strongly emphasized in the future. Peter's eyes glossed over with righteous anger.
At that moment there was a small pop and a girl with red hair and long black robes appeared in front of them.
Susan yawned. "Are you from another world?" she asked the girl without much interest.
"Why yes I am," the girl said, tossing her hair. "I'm from England."
"Oh, another one of those eh?" Lucy asked.
The girl ignored Lucy and turned to Peter. "You look like the hero type," she tittered, batting her eyelashes. May I please stalk you?"
"Might as well join the group," Peter said, sullenly.
"My name is Ginny Weasley," the girl went on. "My hobbies include quidditch, the bat-bogey hex and deflowering innocent young boys."
Peter, who had been pouting up until this point suddenly perked up. "That's perfect!" his voice was excited. "Want to go to my room?"
"Not yet," she said. "I haven't finished telling you about myself."
Peter sighed and crossed his arms.
"I am smart and athletic and everyone at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry loves me."
Susan looked skeptical. "Okay, I know that there can't be a place in England called 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry'."
"I think she's a crossover Sue," Lucy said. Everyone ignored her.
"Oh there is such a place. It's for training young super-witches such as myself."
Peter tapped his foot impatiently. Wasn't she going to stop talking and start deflowering?
"YAHHHH!" Edmund cried and he sliced off Ginny Weasley's head with a clean stroke of his blade.
"EDMUND!" they all cried.
"What? She said she was a witch!"
"SHE WAS GOING TO DEFLOWER ME!" Peter screamed.
"Ew! The blood is getting all over my dress," Susan whined, looking at the splatters of blood.
"SHE WAS GOING TO DEFLOWER ME!"
"You know," Lucy said slowly, "I think that Edmund may be on to something."
"So you think that we should behead them all?" Edmund asked excitedly, waving his sword around. His siblings all stepped well away from him.
"Too messy," Susan said.
"Yes, and besides, what would the commoners think of us?" Lucy added. "I just think that it is time to take some firm action."
"Oh, I suppose your right," Peter grumbled. "I only wish that one of them had deflowered me . . ."
"You really need to let that go," Edmund told him.
"Your Majesties, if I may," said a voice from the corner of the room. It was Mr. Tumnus who had been watching the whole scene unobserved. "These are not ordinary girls. They are Mary Sues of the highest order. In order to rid the kingdom of them we need help."
"Didn't I banish you or something?" Peter asked.
"No one listens to you Peter," Lucy sniffed.
"And then who would be our butler?" Edmund complained.
"I think that Mr. Tumnus is right!" Susan said.
"What's a Mary Sue?" Edmund asked.
Mr. Tumnus' face darkened as he attempted to answer Edmund's question. "No one is quite sure where they come from, but they are powerful sorceresses who possess unusual abilities. Their goal seems to be to marry their victims and wash away any trace of their personalities or selfhood. Indeed, Mary Sues, although remarkably different on the outside, all possess a core of nothingness. For this reason, it is often believed that they were created by some powerful entity rather than born."
"What are we going to do?" Susan whispered.
"There's an old woman who taught me all about Mary Sues," Tumnus said. "She may know of a spell to get rid of them."
"She sounds like a witch," Edmund said.
"And I don't think that we should be taking advice from a pedophilic faun," Peter added.
Lucy came to stand beside Tumnus. "If we want to defeat them then we may very well need the help of even a witch," she said.
Peter threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, why not? It's not like things could get any more messed up."
Peter and Edmund approached the hut warily. The mist rose up from the ground around them swirling and whirling and making strange shapes in the air that seemed to laugh at Peter.
"Ha ha!" they said. "You'll never lose your virginity."
"Edmund . . ."
"The fog is talking to me!"
"I think you're becoming quite unstable. Perhaps we should lock you up in tower for your own safety while I take over ruling Narnia."
"I don't think that will be necessary." Peter knocked on the door. "Are you there, Witch?"
An ugly old woman with a hairy wart on her nose opened the door. "Aye," she croaked.
Peter pushed his way inside. "We have a bit of a problem at Cair Paravel," he said.
"A problem, master?" the old woman wheezed through her one tooth.
"It's a problem with Mary Sues."
"Mary Sues," the woman hocked a wad of spit onto the ground, "those things are the most vile creatures to every inhabit Narnia. How many do you have?"
"I don't know. Fifty?"
"Probably closer to a hundred," Edmund said.
"A hundred Mary Sues? Oh, you've got a regular infestation, Masters. There is no doubt about that."
"How much will it cost to fix?" Peter asked resignedly, taking out his purse.
"A dollar per Sue . . . or a Lion or Tree or whatever the hell the currency is here."
"A Lion per Sue? Are you mad?"
"I won't haggle with you," the old woman said.
"Oh fine," Peter said impatiently. "Whatever you want."
"Way to talk her down, Pete," Edmund said.
"Since when do you call me 'Pete'?"
"Oh no!" the hag gasped, "Gratuitous nicknames are one of the signs that you are entering the final stages of Mary Sue control. If we don't act quickly, then soon you and your brother will be nothing but empty husks. Shells of your former selves."
"What must we do?" Peter asked.
"Both of you sit down and I will attempt to cast a spell to rid you of them. But there is no certainty that it will work, mind you."
"It's the only choice that we have," Peter said. He and Edmund sat down in the two chairs that the hag indicated and she sat down, facing them so that a small table was between her and the boys.
"First you must join hands," she said. "Not with me, with each other," she croaked, as Peter tried to take her shriveled hand. Peter sighed and held Edmund's sweaty hand in his own.
The woman began to chant and draw symbols in the air. To Peter, the symbols looked like leggy young women with nice knee caps. After her chants died off, the decrepit creature spoke again. "Now you must kiss your brother."
"What!" Peter yelled, dropping Edmund's hand immediately.
"Right on the lips. It's all part of the spell, of course."
"I will not!"
"I know this must be intimidating for you, your brother being more experienced and all."
"HE IS NOT MORE EXPERIENCED!"
"I can spot a virgin from a mile away, sonny. Come on, you know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it."
Peter looked at Edmund. Edmund looked back. "Ew! No! I am not going to kiss him," Peter cried.
The woman sighed and snapped her fingers impatiently. "Fine then, there is another way. But it will be expensive."
"Anything has to be better than this," Peter said.
"We have an announcement to make!" Peter proclaimed to the assembled girls who tittered and whispered to one another in excitement. "We are going to be taking a little voyage to the Lone Islands and we want all of you to come with us."
"Will you be choosing one of us as your bride?" asked a girl with blue hair impertinently.
"Um . . . sure, why not."
All the girls cheered and hugged one another, but then immediately began to glance at each other suspiciously. There had already been several deaths as a result of the Mary Sues fighting among themselves. Susan had suggested that if they let the Sues fight among themselves, then perhaps they would kill each other off, but Edmund calculated that they were multiplying far too fast for this to work.
"When are we leaving?" asked Violet.
"Tomorrow morning," Peter said. "I want all of you to make sure to be at the docks bright and early."
Peter counted out the coins as the burly captain of the ship watched him suspiciously. "What do you want me to do with them?" he man asked, spitting on the ground.
"What do I care?" Peter sighed. "Drop them off on a deserted island, pitch them into the sea, throw them over the edge of the world and let Aslan deal with them. Just make sure that we never see them again."
The captain grunted in assent and then looked around. "Where's your brother?"
"Damn," Peter said.
Peter found Edmund in one of the cabins making out with Gothnika. "Edmund!" he screamed.
Edmund walked over to Peter and began whispering. "Can't we keep her?" he asked. "I really like her."
"Oh, I can tell. No! If we keep even one, then they will continue to multiply."
"You're just jealous that she deflowered me!"
Peter grabbed Edmund by the arm and pulled him away. Edmund looked into Gothnika's glowing red eyes as he was taken from the room.
Peter and Edmund walked dejectedly back to the castle. "Cheer up, Ed," Peter said. "Now we can find real women."
"Gothnika was real!"
"I don't think that the Sues are entirely human."
"You mean like Mr. Tumnus?" Edmund asked.
"No, not like Mr. Tumnus. Well . . . there is that girl that is like half lizard or something, but other than her . . . no. I meant that they are like witches or supernatural creations or something."
"You wouldn't be saying this if you had been deflowered."
"I think that they may be the fulfillments of fantasies."
"But your Sues didn't fulfill your fantasies. Come to think of it, neither did mine, exactly."
"Yes, that doesn't seem quite right does it? Could they be a product of someone else's fantasies instead of our own?"
"Hey!" Edmund was angry. "I'm supposed to be the smart one who comes up with all the little theories that sound suspiciously plausible. You get to wave your sword around and be hotter than me. Isn't that enough for you anymore? ISN'T IT!"
"Never mind," Peter said. "Soon we will be home and things will go back to the way they were."
Peter felt great relief when they got back to Cair Paravel. His ordeal was finally over – the teasing about his virginity would stop. The boys' mood seemed to brighten as walked into the castle. They began light heartedly skipping about the empty hallways which had previously been filled with Mary Sues. They skipped up and down the stairs, into the kitchen, the bed chambers, and the torture chambers. Everyone who saw them thought that this was very queer. They skipped into the throne room where they found Susan and Lucy.
"We got rid of them," Peter announced breathlessly to his sisters.
"That's wonderful Pete," Susan beamed, coming over to place a hand on Peter's shoulder. "They were such a hindrance."
Lucy hugged Edmund . . . and hugged him and hugged him. "I'm so glad that you got rid of that awful Gothikya, Ed," she babbled. "She was in the way."
"In the way?" Edmund asked, confusedly, pushing Lucy away with some difficulty.
"Susan is it just me or do you look particularly beautiful today?" Peter mused.
Susan smiled broadly. "Thank you so much. I was hoping that you would notice."
"Um . . . sure. No problem."
Suddenly Susan grabbed the back of Peter's head and pulled him toward her, smashing their lips together in a kiss. Peter immediately pushed her away. "UH! That was disgusting! What the hell is wrong with you Su?"
Susan looked hurt. "I thought you liked me, Peter."
"You were giving all the signals. You even told me I looked beautiful."
"Yes, but I'm your BROTHER."
"That doesn't mean that we can't be in love."
"We are NOT in love."
Suddenly Edmund drew his sword and pointed it at Lucy who was looking at him with big, tear-filled eyes. "Watch out Peter! They are them."
"Them them. The Mary Sues."
"What? How can they be Mary Sues? They are our sisters. We've known them all our lives."
"I don't know," Edmund groaned. "The Sues must have got to them before they left. Shall we decapitate them?"
"No. We can't do that to our sisters," Peter was trying very hard to ignore Susan Sue who was batting her eyelashes at him and exposing her leg.
Suddenly, the seat of Peter's throne popped open and an old woman came out.
"Hey!" Peter exclaimed. "You're that creepy old hag who told us how to get rid of the Mary Sues."
The woman cackled. "Yes, yes, the very same. But I think it is time to reveal my true form to you." And with this, the old crone began to change and soon, in her place, stood a girl of about fourteen. However, unlike the Sues, this girl wasn't particularly beautiful. She had stringy brown hair, large glasses, sickly, pimply skin, and an overly large nose.
"Did you do something to our sisters?" Edmund yelled.
"Do something? Do something? I merely put a new, fresh interpretation on Susan and Lucy and the relationship between you."
"But. . . but you helped us," Peter cried out. "You helped us get rid of the Sues."
"They were in the way," the girl sniffed. "I had to help you see, Peter, that the best love runs in families." With this she bounded forward, grabbed Edmund and kissed him full on the lips.
"You leave him alone!" Peter screamed.
The girl pushed Edmund away from her and laughed. "Oh, Peter," she chortled, "it's not him that I want."
Edmund turned towards Peter and held out his arms as though for a hug. When Peter looked into Edmund's eyes, he saw that the girl's spell had gotten to him also.
"Ew! Keep him away from me!" Peter leapt back.
"Oh come now. Don't you want to give your little brother a hug?"
"No. Why is all this happening to us?"
"Why? You are heroes to thousands of people. We've all read your stories and now we want to make stories of our own."
"Yes. You're not real, you know. You, Peter Pevensie are a character in a series of books called The Chronicles of Narnia. In my world, it's all the rage right now."
"I am so real!"
"I assure you that you are not. You are a well loved character."
"And those girls . . . the Sues. They were girls who loved my – my character."
The nameless girl laughed in disdain. "No, they were merely projections. They were what girls who were nothing special would be like if they could be any way that they wanted. Clearly ridiculously perfect self-insertions. I ascribe to a much higher form of literature. I love the land of Narnia and all its people. I'm not just looking for a pretty face for a wish fulfillment fantasy. I want to write serious, realistic stories about the incestuous relationship between you and your siblings."
"Um, I don't have an incestuous relationship. . ."
"SILENCE! Just because Lewis didn't write it that way, doesn't mean that he wouldn't have adored the idea of you and Susan getting it on in the stables."
"Er . . ."
"I think that we've talked enough, Peter. Time for some action." She snapped her fingers and Peter's siblings began to close in on him from all sides. He brandished his sword, but he knew that it was pointless. He couldn't kill his relatives. Well, maybe Edmund . . .
Not knowing what to do, Peter threw his head back and called out to the one person that he should have summoned long ago. "Aslan! Aslan! Aslan! Please come and help us!"
Aslan bounded into the room, rushed past Peter and opened his mouth into a great, gaping maw that seemed to stretch about six feet. He swallowed the young woman with one gulp and then burped loudly. Then he turned to Peter. "Sweet Jesus, son," he said, "can't you do anything for yourself?"
"She was going to make me do naughty things with my brother and sisters!"
Aslan yawned. "I know, I know. Omniscient, remember? But it's always 'Aslan this' and 'Aslan that.' All I ever asked of you was to lead armies and run countries at the age of thirteen. Is that so much?"
"You know, you're never going to lose your virginity if you don't grow out of this whiney phase."
Peter glared at Aslan, but didn't dare say anything.
"I suppose that I should take care of them, then," Aslan said, indicating the others who were still looking at Peter with rather glassy eyes.
Aslan went over and breathed on Susan Sue. Susan seemed to wake up, she looked straight at the golden lion. "Ew! Your breath smells like teenage fanfiction writer," she said.
Next, Aslan breathed on Edmund Sue. "Ew!" Edmund said, "I think that I was trying to kiss Peter just now."
Last, he breathed on Lucy Sue and when she awoke, she threw her arms around Aslan. "Oh, Aslan, Aslan, you saved us!"
"There, there, dear," Aslan said gently, patting her on the head and nudging her away, afraid that the young girl would be overcome by her love for furry creatures. "Well . . . it, uh, looks like my work here is done," Aslan edged away from Lucy. "Bye, then." And suddenly the lion was gone.
"What happened here?" asked Susan.
"That girl had all of you under her spell," Peter said. "All of you wanted to sleep with me."
Susan looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at Susan. Lucy looked at both of them. Suddenly, all three of them burst into laughter.
"Yeah," Peter said, trying to laugh too, "I guess it is pretty funny, you being my siblings and all."
"It's not so much that," Susan hooted, tears of mirth rolling down her face. "It's just the idea of you, Peter."
"I mean come on," Edmund added, "You're a virgin."
"Hey!" Peter cried.
"Oh, don't pout," Susan said, catching a look at his face. "I tell you what – as soon as I get a chance, I'll buy you a hooker."
Peter's face brightened. "Really? A human one?"
"Picky, picky," Susan sighed, putting her arms around her brother "But I think we can manage that."
"Yay!" Peter said. And the four brothers and sisters walked off, planning their next adventure.
On an unmapped island in the Eastern Sea, a gaggle of girls stood surveying the wreckage of their ship.
A girl, whose beautiful blonde hair was a mess, addressed the others.
"Sisters!" Violet said, loudly, clearly, and brandishing a spear. "We have been deceived!"
The girls murmured their assent.
"But we will have our revenge!" Violet yelled. "Someday we will use our special powers to take all the kings of Narnia as our own!"
The Sues cheered.