Title: When Jack And Mac Collide.

Author: Jo'Siris

Category: Humour

Rating: K

Summary: Sam's watching TV. And Jack gets jealous

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended.
Any other TV character I might have used, well I don't own them either. Again no infringement intended.


Feedback gratefully received

Saturday afternoon and we have a whole weekend off. I can't remember the last time that happened. I think the General wanted us to have some time to get used to having Daniel back with us. So today we're headed over to Doc Fraiser's for a barbeque. I offered to have it at mine, but as Daniel is staying with the Doc they decided to have it there. Why is he staying there anyway? Methinks I'm missing something here.

So here I am at Carter's house to pick her up. I'm a little early, but she knows I will be. You see we do this; one of us will arrive earlier than the time we stated. It's a sort of ritual, you see, that way we get however long together, alone. Nothing improper, just a few minutes of quality time as Jack and Sam. We know we can't afford the luxury of anything more, I mean she'll still call me Sir, and I'll still call her Carter. But at least we have this.

"Carter?" I call, seeing the door is ajar. Maybe she's still getting ready.

"In here, Sir. Come on in."

She's sat on her sofa, with her feet up on the coffee table, watching TV. "Whatcha doin?"

"Just watching the end of this and I'll be right with you."

Oh god, not some awful science thing, I don't want to be confused on my day off. I look over to the TV to see what she's so engrossed in, must be good; she hasn't even turned around to acknowledge me. What the…?

"Carter, what the hell are you watching?"

"Macguyver, Sir. You know the guy Patti and Selma are so fond of in the Simpson's."

I've never seen it, I have to admit. Not my thing. "Oh." Wouldn't have thought it was her thing either, but I guess I don't know everything she likes.

"So, what's it about?" Hey, I can do interested even if I'm not.

"It's different every week." She says, animating her words with hand movements. Pointing at different things in the scene. "This week he has to save this sorta ranch from being blown up."

Ok. I can't see a ranch. "He's in the jungle!"

"Forest! And the ranch is just beyond it. Don't pick holes. Watch, he's gonna get the bad guy with a poison dart."

Now come on, where in God's name is he going to get a poison dart? Or does he carry one for all occasions; just slip it in his back pocket like a comb.

"I take it you've seen this before?"

"Yup. In fact, I've even used some of his ideas when we've been stuck. Sometimes the most basic of things. That's why I watch it; you never know when a stick of gum might come in handy."

Oh please! She cannot be serious. She's making fun of me. "So, where does he get the poison dart from?"

"A toothpick."

"Carter!"

"Honestly. Watch and see."

She once again points to the screen where MacDonald's or whatever his damn name is, takes a toothpick from his pocket. So the man is Mr Dental Hygiene. 'Ooh let me make sure my teeth are clean before I go save this ranch.'

"So, Where's he get the poison?"

"That plant there. He 'happens' to knows it's poisonous."

CLICHÉ CLICHÉ CLICHÉ! She's right, but then she usually is. Oh and now he's taken a biro out of his other pocket, stuck the toothpick and the plant extract inside and is about to blow. Could this get any cornier? " How convenient," I add, somewhat sarcastically.

"Woohoo!" Ouch, that was right in my ear, Carter.

"Is that it, can we go now?" I'm getting a little hungry here.

"Nope, it's not finished yet."

I sigh and close my eyes. Then I hear it, a sound, a…growl. Carter just growled! Opening my eyes I turn to face her and…Oh god she's licking her lips. Why oh why is she doing that? Then I turn to face the TV. Where the hell did the waterfall come from? And is there any need for Macwhatsit to be semi naked under said fall?

She's drooling! No, I take it back. Frothing at the mouth would be a better assessment. Watches it to get ideas, my ass.

"Jeez, Carter. Don't go drowning in your own puddle of drool now, will ya?"

"Can't help it, Sir. The man is seriously hot."

"Hot?"

"Hot…fine…sexy…"

Nooooo. Don't say the S word while you're sat next to me. I don't want to think about the S word or I will want some.

Ok, get a grip Jack. So I look back at the screen. Yeah this guy isn't in bad shape, but …"Carter, he has seriously dodgy hair!" I'm not jealous, I'm really not.

She flashes me a mere hint of a smile before turning back to the TV. "Look who's talking."

Oi! "And…very bad dress sense. I mean, hello, he is in the jungle…"

"Forest!"

Damn. "Forest. Trying to be inconspicuous. Wearing a blue floral shirt. See anything wrong with this picture, Carter?"

"It's a show, Sir. It's not real life."

Damn straight it's not. Can I see any goa'uld's chasing him? No. Uh oh, please no. Do not tell me now he gets the damsel in distress, cos that will be just too much.

Someone shoot me now. Well that's just fine isn't it? He saves one measly ranch and gets the girl. Me, I save the entire planet, how many times is it now? And do I get the girl? NO! I get to torture myself watching her drool over Mr Hero in a blue floral shirt. Peachy.

"Sir, I'm ready to go." Comes a voice from behind the sofa. Damn, how does she do that? When did she get up? Oh yeah when I was wallowing in my own self-pity

"Turn the TV off would you, Sir?"

I get up and walk to the set. The credits are rolling with the picture frozen on my 'rival'.

I get the urge to scream 'she's mine, pal' at the screen and then realise how childish that is…still…as I bend to press the off button I mutter out of Carter's earshot.

"Get a haircut!"

END.