Onna no Ko Dakara

Wrote this back in April for a contest [which is over now] and it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't posted it anywhere but fenya.net. o_o


I tried being a boy for a while, but I didn't like it much.

Boys are strange. They think everything's all black and white, that they think in black and white, but really they no sooner think that way than Suppi eats cream puffs. The average boy, that is. Touya-kun really does think in black and white. Tsukishiro-kun needs power, Touya-kun has it, therefore the latter will go to the former. Of course, this means that he won't be able to watch over his precious baby sister, but if he tells Tsukishiro-kun to watch her for him, it will be done. And everyone will be happy, and eventually Sakura-chan will understand, and even if she doesn't, that's all right, because she'll still be protected.

Really, you have to wonder about the way he feels about her. It's weird to think about -- that sort of absolute devotion, that will completely focused on making sure she is happy and protected. Suppi says it's because I've never raised a child. I asked him why he thought that, and he pointed out that Touya-kun raised Sakura-chan from the time she was three, and he was willing to bet that he'd had a hand in caring for her since the moment she was born.

On the other hand, if I thought Eriol was in trouble or really, truly needed me, I'd do anything for him. But he's my master, not my child. I'd like to raise a child, to see what it would be like, but I think I'd wander off eventually. So it's probably just as well I'm not a human girl, no matter how good I've gotten at pretending. Suppi says it's ridiculous to act like a girl. I say that female is the default gender -- I learned that in biology class, embryos start off female and then if they have a Y chromosone, something clicks on and they turn into males -- and besides, girls are a lot more fun. I like being a girl. You can wear pretty clothes and think in shades of gray.

Now, Yue's never learned to think in shades of gray. Eriol once said that that was probably Clow's fault [I would have liked to meet the original Clow, not just Eriol-Clow. He sounds interesting], that the reason why Yue thinks that way was because Clow wanted him to be absolutely loyal to his master, and succeeded a little too well. He wasn't supposed to imprint so firmly on Clow, apparently, but he's like a baby duckling. You take a duckling, and the first thing they see after they break out of their shell, that's what they think they are. I saw one once in England that believed that its mother was a red rubber ball. You could even put it with the other ducks, and it ran away. You had to feel kind of sorry for it, really, but there was no way to explain that it was a duck, not a red rubber ball.

I'm wearing a pretty dress today, white lace. Eriol made it, of course. Eriol likes making things for me -- or rather, he likes being ordered to make things for me. Eriol's a problem. I've never managed to figure out if he actually enjoys who he is, or if he's always secretly wishing he was someone more normal. Both, maybe. He really does want to be a normal boy, maybe a little boring, a bit of a bookworm, with normal troubles and normal pleasures, but he's also the most powerful mage in the world with the responsiblity of seeing his heir on the correct path. Suppi and I have been with him for so long now it's hard to imagine what it must have been like before he made us. Eriol's _happy_ when he's making things for me, or cooking for us, or listening to us quarrel. Suppi and I ended up dividing him up between us. I boss him around and make him laugh, and Suppi listens to him and waits for us quietly at home. Suppi probably understands him better, but I love him hard to make up for it.

I'm wearing a pretty white lace dress today, and the sun is shining. I'm going to pick flowers for my hair -- peach blossoms, maybe -- and I'm going to go out and play.