Final Chapter!
Ironically Enough
A/N- This is last chapter for the story; I had the idea while watching Orphen. Kabuto, who I think is one coconut short of a tree, muses on his master.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. - Abraham Lincoln

A round pair of spectacles glimmered in the dim of light of the infamous base. Kabuto walked down the fire lit hallways –ever present smirk in place – as he thought about the snake sennin's latest acquisition. Sasuke Uchiha... certifiably the single most angst ridden teenager in the world, and a major pain in the ass. He was almost impossible to train! The brat would get all huffy when he failed in a technique and mutter about how he had to get stronger. Privately, Kabuto thought the Uchiha was just stupid.

The boy didn't seem to understand that sheer power wasn't everything. It took finesse, skill, and a certain amount of animal instinct to achieve true greatness. Take the three Sannin for example. Tsunade-hime's astounding talents stem from her amazing chakra control and medical techniques. The toad hermit was almost nothing but animal instinct backed up by experince and hard won skill. And of course, Orochimaru had the perfect blend of everything... his repertoire of jutsu was second to none in sheer size, and he had practically become the snakes he was so famous for summoning.

Kabuto stuck his hands in his pockets; thoughts drifting to his master. Orochimaru was a puzzle, and all doctors enjoyed a puzzle. The white-haired medic knew for a fact Orochimaru wasn't gay, having had his own advances brutally refused. Contrary to popular belief, the man was not a pedophile. His main concern with Sasuke's body was that it wasn't disfigured by the time he took it over. Orochimaru did have his pride, after all.

Then there were the fan-girls. The Sannin could have his pick of any sound female in the village – even the lesbians – but it was as if the man had no libido! If an overzealous girl threw her self at him, she would soon be missing her head. Despite the rumors of virgin sacrifices and Orochimaru's tongue, Kabuto knew his master wasn't into that. At first the medic thought maybe the man wasn't fully intact, but that theory was tossed out the window recently.

Kabuto was about to walk past a stone door, but the absence of any presence gave him pause. It was Orochimaru's office, and he was usually in there around this time planning invasions and what not. Today he was suspiciously absent. Curiosity peaked, the ninja whipped his head around and scanned for others. All clear. He carefully entered the room and closed the door. Kabuto may have been Orochimaru's most trusted servant, but that didn't mean Kabuto was his confidant.

He didn't know why the man was obsessed with immortality, or why he had such a vendetta against Konoha. He had no clue as to the whereabouts of the snakes sex drive... much to his chagrin. It was certainly a mystery as to what they were going to do for the next three years.

Kabuto eyed the file cabinets against the wall. He left the desk and tried to pick the lock with a kunai. It didn't work; Orochimaru obviously used ninja proof locks. The tiny keyhole seemed to mock him, and Kabuto growled. He was smarter than this. With a bit of ingenuity, Kabuto took off his glasses and pried off the short plastic end cover. He straightened the curve and jammed the now sharp end into the slot.

Smirking, the medic popped the latch and gained access to the paperwork. Detailed maps of Konoha, lists of families, and even the addresses of favorite food vendors were stored in the cabinet. Kabuto wearily flipped through the papers, searching for something – anything – that would give him some insight to the deranged sannin.

His gaze flickered over to a glowing clock and he cursed. Kabuto had spent over fifteen minutes reading a file about mysterious drug trafficking, which was interesting since he had no idea Konoha had drug dealers. The medic slammed the drawer shut with a bit more force then necessary. The metal cabinet rocked, causing a jar of pickles to fall off and shatter on the floor. Brine flooded the floor to Kabuto's dismay. The medic couldn't think of any jutsu that could clean up this mess. Orochimaru was going to maim him.

Mentally the medic nin started going down a list of people to blame the spill, and therefore the intrusion, on. Sasuke would be ideal if it weren't for the fact the boy hated everything to do with the snake summoner. The raven haired genin would be the last one to enter Orochimaru's quarters alone. There were a few others that roamed the underground lair, but Kabuto doubted they would be stupid enough to allow themselves to be framed.

While Kabuto was trying to figure out who could be tricked into a set up, the pickle juice was making it's way across the stone floor. Salty liquid inched along, winding beneath a tiny crack in the wall.

Shaking himself, Kabuto replaced his glasses and leaned down, watching as the juice leaked under the wall. Obviously it wasn't a wall, but a hidden door. What was Orochimaru doing with a door that didn't seem to lead anywhere? The ninja glanced back at the clock. He had spent far too much time in the office already, but what could one more minute hurt? Kabuto couldn't find a doorknob or secret switch; he had picked up and fiddled with every idiotic trinket on the table and cabinets. Nothing.

With a groan, Kabuto realized he would have to do the single most undignified thing he could do in the situation. He hit the wall. When in doubt, smack it. Two solid thumps later, the stone shifted and slid away, revealing a shrine of hate and anger.

Mounted on the far wall was a dart board with a picture of a woman on it. She was a grass ninja judging by the forehead protector slung around her neck, and much hated. Orochimaru had written several expletives in red marker around the photograph, and had thrown darts in her eyes and neck. Kabuto balked at the sheer amount of killing intent lingering in the room, even after the source had gone. He nervously walked around the closet sized room, examining voodoo dolls and containers of snake venom. Who knew Orochimaru was one for witchcraft?

There was a small, leather bound notebook shoved under a stack of old papers that drew the medic's attention. Kabuto snatched it out and flipped it open, surprised to see that it was a journal from when his master was still with the Leaf. Flipping it open, Kabuto scanned the first few pages that were mostly complaints about a mission to the Hidden Village of the Grass. Then things got interesting.

Gods! There is a Kunoichi here that's going to drive me insane! Her name is Xian Si and everytime I come out of a building she's there! EVERY FREAKING TIME! I think she's stalking me. I just wish the stupid woman in charge of this place finds that scroll the Old Man asked for fast.

Kabuto skipped forward several pages, annoyed that he was pressed for time. He would have liked to take the book with him, but if Orochimaru saw it was missing he would not be pleased.

The old bat of Grass finally gave me the stupid scroll. I don't see what's so special about it, other than it's ridiculously huge for a technique scroll. I would compare it to my Snake Summons, but that would disrespect Manda. Apparently this scroll is top secret and was put in the Hidden Grass for safe keeping, but I... The medic's eyes widened at the information, but he once again skipped ahead. Xian. I hate that woman with all my heart. Her stupid blue hair and purple eyes will haunt me every night. Literally. The bitch volunteered to escort me back as a show of good will. Imagine. Escort. Me. The day I need an escort is the day some old geezer chops off my arms.

Kabuto snickered and continued, noticing that the ink was different. Orochimaru must have started the next entry some time later. I SWEAR IF THAT WENCH CALLS ME OROCHI-KUN ONE MORE TIME I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO HER! I am certain she was watching me sleep. I summoned a snake and had it watch her all night. The woman is insane. War or no, I really want to kill her. If we don't get back tomorrow I will. She's looking at me right now... oh gods. I think she's trying to flirt with me.

I did it. I finally did it. Now I wish I hadn't. It was wonderful seeing the red ribbons trickle out her mouth, until she said those fearful words. "Orochi-kun, why didn't you want to be my snake in the grass? We could have had a... wonderful time. I'll be waiting for you, always." Then she died, and I know I am condemned. When I die, that thing will be waiting for me in all her mini-skirt glory. There is really only one choice, for which I know the Old Man won't approve of, but I refuse to meet that trollop again. So I commit myself to the search-

At the sound of approaching footsteps, Kabuto replaced the book and rushed out of the hidden room. He was surprised to find it was not Orochimaru who entered the office but a lowly chunin, who looked like he had just run ten miles. The man panted and looked up at Kabuto, "Urgent news from Konoha. Where is Orochimaru-sama?"

"I don't know... try the training field." Kabuto replied as the man rushed off. He shook his head. Whatever it was could wait, he had new information to fit into the jigsaw that was Orochimaru. Plus, he could now blame the pickle spill on that chunin that just came in.

As Kabuto left with his hands in his pockets, everything was coming clear. Orochimaru hated Konoha because it sent him on the mission to Grass. He sought immortality because he never wanted to see that Xian girl again, and he had no sex life because it made him think of her...

Kabuto decided Konoha must breed them insane. After all, he was the only normal ninja he knew to come out of the place, and he was adopted.


What did you think? It was a bit short, but I wanted to get it out before school starts. Why does snake-freak have a jar of pickles in his office? Why not? I like pickles juice more than pickles.

I want to thank everybody who's read the story to the end, PARTY!


Ashmido-mask, AKA Ashmo who took on the job of editing these!





Coming Sometime This Year...

The Sequal:

Dreams of Demons