Disclaimer: Do I look like Dick Wolf to you! I own nothing...even the shirt on my back is borrowed! I do not own the charecters or premises of Law and Order: SVU or Conviction. There was no financial gain made from this writing endeavor, so please don't sue!

Rated T for Teen

Author's Note: While I've never really been a huge Cabot fan, I find that my support of her has hit rock-bottom since her return to Conviction. So I've thought about it, there must be something going on here. Either they've completely forgotten exactly who Alex was...or her stint in the Protection Program has had a bigger effect on her then anyone thought. They haven't quite explained the turn, have they. How did Alex become Alexandra and how does she feel about all of it?

On Being Alexandra

A Law and Order: SVU



By RebelByrdie

She narrowed her eyes as she saw them, standing there, oblivious to her presence. Jessica Rossi, one of her ADAs and Casey Novak, her replacement. Rossi had run to Novak after she'd taken the rape case from her. Why? For comfort or advice or what? Now the two often ate lunch together. Casey had taken the younger woman under her wing. It dug into Alexandra Cabot more then she'd like to admit. She was a better lawyer, everyone knew it, but Casey still had something she didn't Suddenly green eyes shifted around and spotted her. Novak saw her and sent her a glare. Alex did not turn away or flinch. She knew what Casey had that she didn't, she still had heart.

No one understood what she had gone through. She'd lost everything. Somewhere between insurance to secretary and so many other soulless jobs... she'd lost herself. She'd lost Alex Cabot, New York ADA. Now that she was back...she still hadn't rediscovered the woman she had been. She felt her shoulder give an involuntary twinge, she probably never would. She was Bureau chief, she was moving forward, she'd set herself on a clear path to Branch's office. It was what she had always wanted. The power, the prestige, she'd more then earned her chance.

In the dark of night, though, when she couldn't sleep...things looked different. Something she'd learned with the SVU, all the polish and glitz dissolved at night...night showed the world in it's true hues of darkness. In the chilly night, with a tumbler of vodka in her hand, she could look at herself and see what she'd truly become. She was a power-hungry, cold and calculating bitch. No wonder Olivia hadn't really put much effort into renewing their ties. She tossed the shot back with a shaky jerk of her wrist. She had to envy Casey Novak, she knew it was petty, petulant, pointless, but she did anyway. Casey was deep in the trenches, fighting real crime, bringing justice down to the downtrodden...helping the hopeless women and children of New York. What did she do? Alex Cabot, Bureau chief pushed papers and made stirring speeches...she'd become a bureaucrat, a politician.

As she poured another shot she knew that she'd trade the power and title for one hectic day in her old office. She'd trade the passionless speeches and cold desk sex for one argument with a judge over an questionable warrant...for the look in a victim's eyes when she brought their rapist to justice... She knew now that if she went to the office, she would most likely find Novak burning midnight oil, preparing to take some perp to trial; she'd done it enough in her day. Now... She had left the office at five, went to a party and rubbed elbows with New York's sheltered upper class and now she was here, watching the city move from behind the double-paned security glass of her window, from inside of her home...the one that had more security then most government buildings.

She was forever apart, she was supposed to be a leader, a symbol to the young ADAs that worked under her. She was what they were supposed to strive to become. God, she hoped not. What was she? The propaganda of the office had turned her into some kind of phoenix, she'd risen from the ashes stronger then before. She knew better, she wasn't the Alex Cabot everyone thought she was. That Alex Cabot, the dedicated ADA, the woman who'd put her life in jeopardy for a case...she had died that night. That bloody night with Olivia Benson begging her to hold on. The shadowy reflection of the woman in her window was Alexandra Cabot. Alexandra Cabot, a driven political beast who used and abused those around her to get further into the career she didn't even want anymore. Now wonder Rossi had run to Novak.