Remembering – Chapter Four
Disclaimer: Nothing 'Supernatural' belongs to me. I've just borrowed and not for profit.
Rating: Tame (use of the word 'hell' as an expletive a few times)
Summary: What is worth remembering about the life you have led so far?
Author's Note: Thank you to those who have reviewed so far. This is the final chapter and belongs to Dean. It could be set partially during 'Scarecrow' but could be another time unspecified with similar separation from Sam issues. I hope the contents of the envelope don't disappoint.
I continue to be grateful for reviews and constructive comments – it's good to know if I'm on the right track. Thank you for taking the time to read my scribblings.
Slamming the lid on the trunk, Dean walked back round to sit in the front of the Impala. He ran his fingers round the edge of the box, paused, and then opened the lid. Resigned to a future alone again, he leafed through the cards and pictures. A sad smile crossed his face as memories of each flickered past.
At the bottom of the box, he found what he was looking for. He took the envelope out and opened it. From that envelope fell two more; smaller ones; the first addressed to his father and the other to Sam at Stanford, along with them was a letter.
He scanned the letter: 'To whom it may concern. If you are reading this letter, the owner of the car and this box has died. It would be much appreciated if you could forward the two letters to the addresses on the envelopes. If you could also send this box or its contents to Sam Winchester, he will arrange to send you the cost of postage. Thanking you in advance. Dean Winchester.'
There was nothing else that could be said. Dean had to be prepared, if he died alone, he wanted Sam and Dad to know he had gone and he wanted Sam to have some good memories. God knows they all had more than enough bad ones. They'd all spent long enough hunting the demon, he didn't want them to be needlessly searching for him too. If he wasn't well enough to sort it out himself, then he figured it would be as well that he were dead or that they thought he was.
He picked up the envelope to his Dad and thought back to when he had written both letters and what he had wanted to say to his Dad. He didn't need to open it to know what he had written and he didn't need to open it because he didn't have anything else to say now. It boiled down to 'I've gone, I'm sorry. I know I was a failure but I tried to do all you wanted. I hope you can forgive me.' What more could he say to his father, nothing else had changed. Maybe one day, things would be better and he would re-write that one but for now, he needed to change the letter to Sam. There were things he needed for Sam to know when the time came…
He ran his fingers over the envelope flap. If nothing else, the address needed changing, after all, thanks to him, Sam wasn't at Stanford anymore. He supposed he would have to change it to the same box office address as his dad. There would be no other way of getting in touch. Maybe, once Sam had found Dad, it would be different. He'd probably go back to Stanford but in case anything happened in the meantime, he had to make arrangements.
He tore Sam's envelope open, releasing the letter onto his lap. Scanning the letter, he realised it didn't say anywhere near enough. He thought back again to that first hunt alone, no Dad, no Sam, just Dean; that was when these letters had been written. He'd been scared; he hadn't said anything to his father before leaving but he just wasn't sure he could do it on his own. He was angry, Sam had left, he'd had to do all the research alone, knowing that it would have taken half the time with Sam to help and even with it done, he lacked faith in his own skills to be sure he hadn't missed anything. His anger, he realised now, was more to do with his own belief he couldn't manage than with Sam for having left. He'd sat the afternoon before the hunt and written both letters fully expecting not to come out alive.
Getting back to the car that night, more or less intact, had been an unexpected surprise. He'd taken the box and hidden it in the trunk. Whilst that hunt had given him some faith in his ability to survive without his Dad and brother, he'd never felt confident that he would last long alone.
Now here he was alone again, he had stuff he needed to say to Sam. He should write a new letter.
Decision made, he rummaged through the glove compartment for a pen and opened his journal to start writing.
To get the mundane out of the way, please could you arrange to cover the cost of postage for the person who sent this and the boxto you? I don't know who it will be but I kind of asked them and said you would see them right. Sorry, bro!
On now to what I suppose is the important stuff. You know me, I've never been any good at this stuff but I need you to know this. I know if I didn't need to get this written before I forget something I would spend some more time thinking up the words to try and make myself sound more intelligent like you, but hey dude, you're the one with the college education.
First off, that college education, I know I never really said it but you did well, I was proud of you. You always were one smart kid. I don't know if you are still with Dad but you should go back to that. You should do 'normal'; this is no life for you: you can get out. You have got the smarts and to be honest 'normal' suited you. I know I've been saying the opposite for months now, but hell, even I can admit I'm wrong occasionally – given the given, if you're reading this, I'm not going to be making a habit of it. I was being selfish; I liked having you with me. Sometimes, I missed you when you were at Stanford. You weren't so bad for a little brother.
I need you to know that I'm sorry about what happened to Jess. Hell I wish I'd never come to get you, maybe it would never have found Jess if I hadn't been to yours. I'm sorry, Sam. I wish it could have been different.
I'm sorry you didn't get more time with Mum, she loved you. I don't remember much about when we were small, but what I do remember is how much Mum would smile when she looked at you. She loved you so much.
I'm sorry for all the times you've got hurt, all the times I failed to protect you. I never meant to let you down. When Mum brought you home for the first time, she said to me, it was my job to look after you and to keep you happy. I tried Sam, but sometimes, after Mum died, I just didn't know what to do, how to make you happy. When you grew andyou and Dad argued, I just couldn't find any way to keep the peace. I couldn't show either of you what the other was feeling. I let you all down.
I want you to know that for me, this life wasn't so bad. I liked saving people, destroying evil – a secret superhero complex (or maybe you would say it was not so secret). It was something I understood, something I could do. Like I said, not so bad.
One last thing, there's not much more I can say really, I'm sorry for all the times I should have told you I was proud of you and that I loved you, little brother. Know that I did even though I didn't say it. If you settle down and have kids, don't be afraid to tell them you're proud and you love them. Really there is a time and place for the 'chick flick moments'; I'm sorry Dad and I never got a grip on that.
Have a good life, Sam. Take care, little brother.
Tearing the pages out of his journal, he folded them and put them in a new envelope and addressed it before putting it back into the larger envelope and resealing it. With finality, he put the envelope in the box, closed the lid and put it back in the trunk.
Closing the trunk, he climbed back into the car and headed off on this latest job.He hoped that the letters would remain unread and that he would get to see Sam and his Dad again firstbut he needed to be certain that he was prepared when the time came...
Author's Note – As this is the first longer piece, I have written and finished, I really would appreciate some feedback so I know whether to continue or whether just to return to the little fics. Here's me typing with my fingers crossed, hoping that you will have read to the end and enjoyed it.