Disclaimer: I don't own Snakes on a Plane.
Snakes on a Plane: The Montage
Officer Nelville Flynn, first class cop and badass muthafucka extraordinaire, took a deep breath and assessed the situation at hand calmly. He was on a plane. And there were snakes. Lots and lots of muthafuckin' snakes.
This was no time to lose his cool. And hell, what did it matter if he lost his cool a little? This was one badass muthafucka with plenty of cool to spare. First things first, he had to get the passengers onboard to stop screaming their heads off.
"All right, everybody, calm the fuck down!"
Pandemonium. Mayhem. None of these dumbass honkies paid him any mind. Just because muthafuckin' snakes were all up in their biznatch.
"LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID TRISCUITS! IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Silence. That was more like it. When Officer Nelville Flynn told you to shut the fuck up, sucka betta shut the fuck up or risk the muthafuckin' consequences. A snake tore some poor fuck's eye out, but one look from Flynn told Honky-boy to roll with it if he wanted to keep the other eye.
All right. It was show time. Officer Nelville Flynn was gonna go kill some muthafuckin' snakes—Badass Style.
Forty minutes of the craziest muthafuckin' shit you'd ever seen, and Flynn had worked his way through 700 hundred snakes (and three fineass ladies in the bathroom. Let's just say the seat was "occupied" longer than any man in such extreme stress-inducing conditions should have been physically able to.)
He made his way to the pilot room now. Time to find out who was flying this muthafuckin' plane. He opened the door to discover…
The biggest muthafuckin' snake this side of Ana-fuckin-conda.
"Hello, Offissser Flynn," the huge-ass snake hissed.
"Say what…the fuck? We got muthafuckin' talkin' snakes now?"
"Foolisssh human. Sssnakes ssshall come to rule the entire sssivilization."
"Over my got-damned body!" Flynn whipped into this sucka full-on badass style. Two kicks to the head and a shitload of knife-stabbings later, the snake was down.
"Muthafuck. We got no got-damned pilot now." There was only one option left. Flynn opened the door and called out to the few surviving passengers.
"Hey! Which one of y'all honkies can fly this muthafuckin' plane!"
"And so, America has awarded you, Officer Nelville Flynn, its highest honor, the Badass Medal for Heroic Badassness. Congratulations!"
"Yeah, whatever, Triscuit. You can keep your medal. Now which one of you fine bitches is gonna come over here and get you some? I just worked me up one hell of an appetite killing these muthafuckin' snakes on a plane!"