CHARMED TALK

A:N/- Ok, so, this is the result of a bad-drunken IM conversation…well kinda…some of it was actually written via MSN…It's just our way of saying- 'Fuck you Kern!'…or just another reason, rather.

Authors: Nicole and Alex (we're not dead yet!)

Disclaimer- Don't own none of this shit- and don't wanna

(Fade in: A the tacky talk show set remake of the Halliwell Manor's solarium. Weird crazy whacky talk show music plays as Paige "Oh why did I ever sign up for this crap" Mathews and Prue "God, I can't find a decent job after this crap" Halliwell both are sitting in tacky talk show furniture. The camera focuses on Paige.)

Paige: (-Ahems.-) Welcome ladies and well, gay dudes cause really, no hereto's watch this show. Am I right?-(Waits for laughs. Doesn't happen.-) Wow. Tough room. (-Twitches over to her seat.-) This is Charmed talk! I'm Raige...er… PAIGE Mathews and this is... um, who are you again?

Prue: What do you mean who am I? I'm Prue! Yah know: "You'll never be live up to Prue's rep" Prue! Or "I'm Oh-so- much better than you" Prue. (-Muttering.-) Bitch… like I'm forgettable.

(Phoebe and Piper are standing by the stage. Piper looks rather irritated. And understandably so, cause Phoebe's being impatient.)

Phoebe: (-Swinging her arms around.-) HEY What about Meeeee!

(A/N: Me is Phoebe's favorite word. Especially when it comes after 'Screw'.)

Piper: Ugh. Sit down. It's not your turn, Feebs. (-Puts the retard back in her seat.-)

Paige: Oh yeah... After the first two years I took some pills to repress you... Phoebe gave them to me... She called them… "To forget that Bitch" pills. She has tons of pills. Explains a lot actually.

Phoebe: (-Stupidly.-) It does?

(Prue gets up, all manly like (Prue was a man at one point, you know. She was also a bitch. No, really. A dog bitch. Um... story…) and bitch-smacks Phoebe's empty head. Something rattles. She walks back and takes her seat.)

Prue: That'll teach you. (-Waving her hands.-) Raige, why don't you tell our audience what tonight's show is about---now would be good.

Paige: It's PAIGE. Jeez, they warned me you were bossy...(-rolls eyes.-) Kay, so like many of you been like pretty mad and pissed off at us lately, so we're here to offer a chance to peacefully (-looks at Prue with this word.-)talk it out.

(Leo dolts his way into the screen.)

Leo: In other words, we know we suck, so you can ask us why here. Hi Odin! (-Waves.-)

(Piper walks over, looking even more irritated and drags him by the ear backstage.)

Piper: (-Sternly.-) Leo, you're on camera. Keep the fruitiness to a minimum before I have to beat you again.

Phoebe: (-Whiney.-) Can I talk now, please? I'll be good! Honest!

Prue: (-Rolls her eyes.-) I guess…

(Phoebe claps her hands like a giddy retard and walks on stage. Her fun bags jiggle as she goes take her seat next to Paige.)

Phoebe: Yay! Anyway--guess what? I think Coop is my baby's daddy and I'm gonna sleep with him tonight! (-Giggles.-)

Prue: (-Muttering to Paige.-) Is it always about her?

Paige: (-Shaking her head.-) Like you didn't know already... and is she at it again with the baby stuff?

(I get pissed and come on stage. Nicole slaps her head at my attitude.)

Alex: Um, people, get your asses back to the fucking point!

Leo: (-Scoffs.-) Someone's PMS-ing..

Alex: (In Angry Bitch-Piper mode.) Can it, Queen! I'm sick of this show! Get your asses back to your jobs before I turn this fanfic into a killing rampage.

(I stomp back off stage. Nicole sighs because she thought she could kill Billie when I said killing rampage. Maybe for another story.)

Paige: Alright, no need to bite my head off. Okay, so... um... why is Phoebe naked?

(Every turns their attention to the naked little whore. Jiggling her, thankfully, censored fun bags. Yea, censored for you maybe-shudder.-)

Phoebe: (-Looks down.-) Hmm, didn't notice that…

Prue: (-Covering her eyes.-) Well, I did! Put some fucking clothes on before I kill myself—again…

Paige: I thought Shax killed you…

(-Prue's eyes get shifty- but her crooked one is shifting faster than the other one.-)

(Piper comes into the screen to bring back the order. She puts Phoebe's pink top back on her fun bags and smacks Prue and Paige, taking her seat next to Prue.)

Piper: Paige, zip it. And yeah, get to the point.

Paige: Alright! (-She mugs.-) Our first guess is our creator... well, not really, but he's the boss man, Brad kern!

(Boos as he comes in, a weirdly creepy background tune followed him. He sat in the seat between both sets of P's.)

Paige: Hello, Brad.

Kern: Hi, my lovely ladies... and Prue.

(Prue tries to punch him but Piper holds her back… for… whatever reason…)

Piper: (-Whispering to her.-) Not here. Not where there are witnesses. (-Mock sweetness.-) Hi Brad! Glad you could join us on… (-Looks at the sign.-)(-sarcastically-) Charmed-Talk! Oh boy, how original!

Alex: (-Off-stage.-) Fuck you, Piper. You're husband gives head cheaper than all of your sisters!

(Awkward silence.)

Prue: (-muttering-) You would know…ANY-way… we'd just like to ask you a few questions- if you don't mind.

Kern: (-Unsure.-) Sure… I supposed there's no real problem with that... as long as you don't throw a fit for not getting enough screen time as my beloved… (-Winks at Feebs.-) does.

(He does the "I'll call you" thing to the skank. Paige mugs in disgust.)

Paige: Um... yeah... okay, let's move things along here. First question, why did the cleaners not come when magic was exposed the time Prue died?

Kern: (-Nervous chuckle.-) Eh…They were on their annual break... there was no hope for Prue. Yeah, that's it.

(Prue glares to no end. We see Leo came in at some point and stands in the background.)

Leo: Oh, he's so lying. (-Fingers snaps.-) Oh no he di-int!

(Piper shakes her head and quite possibly thinks divorce. Or murder.)

Prue: Bull, Kern!

Phoebe: (-Looking around, scared.-) Where?

Paige: Let's change questions now… um, Piper?

Piper: Ok. Sure. Um, oh here's a good one. How come Phoebe needs ANOTHER Cupid to restore her faith in Love? I mean, what the hell were Drake and the 1st Cupid here for then?

Phoebe: (-Honestly.-) Sex?

Kern: Well, the problem is... um…Leo would you mind?

(Leo nods and walks to cover Phoebe's ears. After assuring the Bimbo doesn't hear anything he nods for Kern to continue.)

Kern: Phoebe has a tendency to forget things because she's... "Special". So well, we need to remind her she has to make with the loving so her future daughter can be born. I mean, you saw how loosely we handled things with Piper's daughter and look what happened. (-Points to the Dead Eye psycho torching some random nuns by the corner of the stage.- What the nuns are doing here is anyone's guess.)

Piper: Hey now! (-Punches Kern.-) He may be crazy, but he's still my son. Right, Leo? ... Leo? (-Leo's flirting with the cameraman now and actually getting lucky.-) Ugh, dammit man, control yourself or its back into the freezer with you. (He pouts and goes sit down next to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Ok, lemme ask a question now! I gots a good one. (-She thinks for a minute. Yes, thinks. Really. Shut up.-) Uh-how come-how come, I haven't been to work at the Bay Mirror this whole damn season--and how on earth am I paying for that loft?

Prue: (-Surprised, jealous and pissed.-) She has a loft?

Leo: (-To Prue.-) Duh! Check your e-mails! Or do they not have AOL in hell?

Prue: NO we don't have AOL in Hell! We have Yahoo--and don't think I haven't seen your webcam Mr. (-Leo's eyes get shifty. Piper stands up.-)

Paige: (suspicious, stunned, or maybe just hight) Um, that's a pretty smart question for Phoebe...

(You see Piper pummel Leo in the background)

Kern: Baby, you do still work there. You work from home now cause we sold the building to the police station.

(Piper takes back her seat. Leo's bruised and crying.)

Paige: Oh, so that's why they look alike... huh. Funny.

Piper: I don't see the humor in bad set placement.

Leo: (-Rubbing his sore apple-looking face.-) You don't see the humor in a lot of things, shrew.

Paige: People! This is not Springer!

Prue: Yeah, that's in the studio next-door.

Phoebe: Brad, will you please stop calling me baby? You're scaring me. (-She cowards.-)

Paige: (-Laughs nervously at the camera.-) So... next question. (-Someone hands her a card which she reads.-) Why can't I hold a decent job... hey wait a minute… Who put this here!

Piper: I did. Now answer. It's not fun supporting a stoopid baby sister with no career. Been there. Done that.

Paige: Damn it, Piper, give Prue's bitchiness back to her.

Prue: Calm down Matthews, I got enough to go around. (-Paige sticks her tongue out. Phoebe plays with her fun bags.-)

Paige: Question time! Erm, where are all Prue's pics and random stuff?

Kern: What? Why are you asking me? Piper and Phoebe torched all that in 'the bitch is dead party' after the funeral. Man I got sooo wasted that night...

(Paige shoots an alarmed glare at Piper and Phoebe. Prue glares.)

Piper: Heh... You remember... It wasn't all her stuff... we sold some things.

Prue: Like what exactly?

(Piper and Phoebe exchange unsettling glances. Leo snickers.)

Piper: Oh, you know, STUFF. Things you probably don't even remember having. Heh heh.

Phoebe: OK New question! At the beginning of this season- who where those people at our funeral? I know I didn't sleep with a lot of them, so I obviously didn't know who they were.

Paige: And all those strangers at mine and Henry's wedding --they couldn't ALL have been from his side, could they?

Kern: (-Small cough.-) Well, they were obviously... people you guys know…like the Smiths... the Henderson's... and you know the Garrets and those crazy Franklin boys... Ah yes those days... hey, look! A pony! (-Points at nothing.-)

Phoebe: (-Looking around.-) Where?

Prue: Oh… hey, wait a minute! We don't know anyone with those last names! You lied!

Piper: Well der, I think the real question is how come mom and Grams didn't pop by to ruin your wedding like they did with mine?

Paige: Cause they actually like me enough to not butt in.

(Everyone laughs at this. Raige pouts sadly.)

Prue: Well, I think we dragged this shit out long enough.

Piper: That's an understatement.

Paige: She was talking about this show not of our show,

Prue: (-Confused.-) I was?

Phoebe: Next week, the guys! Oh yeah, I'm having me lots of sex, and I'll get pregnant if I have to kill someone!

CrackMonkey1: Run away! She wants to have sex! (-loud cries fill the room-)

Paige: Um… right. Bye folks.

(They all wave to the camera as we fade to black.)

Alex: This show is going to be the end of me.

Nicole: Just wait till we write in Billie.

Alex: Shit.

TBC?