A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Sorry for the wait. This time I actually did get lazy, lol. So anyway…glad you guys like it.
Authors: Nicole and Alex…
Disclaimer: Neither I, nor Alex, own this story, the show, or any of it's characters. So STOP BLAMING US! Lol
(The P's are sitting back on the set from last time. Only now they're all sitting in fold-up lawn chairs.)
Phoebe: '…It's like when your eyes meet from across the room for the first time, or when you both reach for the last glass of Champaign and then you 'accidentally' spill it all over his pants then offer to clean it up in the bathroom…That's love--or even when you have a premonition of yourself boinking Cupid himself in your sisters' honeymoon Suite an hour before she gets there.
(She sighs contently. She's ranting about love in case none of you jumped onto that thought train drunk enough.)
Paige: (-Mugs.-) You did what!
Piper: (-Not giving a tiny rats' ass anymore.-) Why are you so surprised?
Prue: Why do I fear we're turning the boyfriend special into something all about Phoebe even though we're only 15 seconds in?
Paige: 'Cuz Nicole and Alex are vindictive.
Piper: Hey, don't diss the bosses.
Prue: (-Mutters.-) Suck up…
Phoebe: That's what she said! Ooh!
Prue: (-A little freaked out.-) Um, Phoebe, shut up and introduce the show already.
Phoebe: (-Whiney.-) Show? I thought we were doing some sisterly bonding…damn, anyway, this here is Charmed Talk. I'm Free- uh, Phoebe, and these are my l-lovely sisters--and Paige.'
Paige: (-Mutters.-) Whore…
Prue: Dude, did she just call me lovely? Did she get into my happy pills again?
(The Dolt… um, I mean Leo, dolts his way from the backstage.)
Leo: (-Stepping in between the girls.-) Hey, so the guys are getting restless backstage, can we start?
Paige: 'Suuurre. Our first guest is Piper's fav ex. Please welcome DAN!
(He arrives in a trail of grease. Everyone quite possibly has an ew face reaction. Piper rolls her eyes tactfully. Prue does a WTF face. Paige… mugs. Phoebe flirts with the camera man. Dan takes his seat between the sets of P's.)
Phoebe: (-To the camera.-) I'll see you in my room later. (-Pheo-wink.-)
Dan: (-Greasily.-) Hey, Piper. Still with Leo?'
Piper: Well, not exclusively. I mean, there was that one guy the other nig- uh-uh, yea. We're sooo happy, aren't we honey? (–Fake toothy smile and throws an arm around him.-)
Leo: (-Sarcastically and slightly deadpanned.-) It's like our honeymoon everyday…
Prue: (-To Leo.-) Didn't you spend your honeymoon with that one charge, Uh, Jeff?
Leo: No, that was John...shit. I mean Nah-ah.' (–Shifty eyes.-)
Dan: Score. I still have a shot.
(He winks at… Leo? Paige mugs and whispers to Prue.)
Paige: (-Loud whisper that the audience can still hear clearly.-) Is it just me or is San Francisco the wrong place to meet guys?
Prue: It's just you.
Piper: Um, do we have some questions for Dan or must we keep marbling at my husband's sexuality?
Dan: I opt for option number 2, myself.
Paige: Well nobody asked you.
Prue: And nobody asked you either, Twitchy.' (-Paige kinda looks hurt.-) Ok, first question… and I think I speak for all of us when I say; what the fuck man? What-the-fuck?
Dan: (-Some grease slips down his raised eyebrow.-) Excuse me?
Prue: What's with all the greasiness? I mean, for the love of Holly! I feel like I need a 3 hour shower just looking at you!
Piper: (-Mutters.-) Yeah… that's why.
Paige: (-Coughs.-) Prue smells. (-Coughs.-)
Prue: Can it you two! (-Turns back to greasy.) Well?
Dan: (-Clearly getting uncomfortable.-) What do you mean by that? I'm not greasy... I mean, aren't I the hot boy next door? Cuz that's what Leo said!
(Piper looks generally pissed off, and I'd be too if the Keeper of the Grease was hitting on my man.)
Paige: I think she's talking about your mullet.
(Dan begins to cry. Leo... "Comforts" him.)
Paige: (-Getting fed up.-) Can we get a less fruity ex in here! (-Someone tosses Jason in.-) I said less, dammit!'
Jason: (-Confused.-) Huh? Less what?' (-Sees Phoebe.-) Oh crap.
Phoebe: (-Stupid as ever.-) Hiya Jason.
Prue: Oh burn bi-atch! (-Finger snap.-)He like totally didn't want to see you, you slutty-slut-slut!
(She bitch slaps Phoebe. Anger issues.)
Paige: Yea, and on a totally unrelated matter, some dude name Andy said he didn't want to come cuz he was afraid of the, and I quote: "Squinting-weirdo-I-killed-myself-to-get-away-from."
(Prue's lip trembles and we have to assume she's getting misty eyed but it's hard to tell with her. Like seriously. Her eyes, what color are they even?)
Piper: (-Eye rolling like a pro.-) People, ask Jason a fucking question before I lose it.
Phoebe: What'd ya lose? (-Starts looking around the floor.-)
Alex: (-Off-screen.-) I swear I'm going to kill her…
Nicole: (-Off-screen.-) She'll just come back like always. Save it for Billie.
(Piper pulls out a flask and takes a long drink.)
Piper: (-Muttering.-) Only 2 more episodes. Only 2 More Episodes...only 2 mor…'
Prue: ANY-way, uh, Jason, since you found out the big bad secr—
Paige: (-Interrupting cuz she's an idiot thanks to crappy writing and a lack of consideration for continuity. For fuck sakes, Paige wasn't Phoebe2 before, you fucking bastards.-) I don't think he knows Phoebe's got Crabs Prue.'
Prue: Can it, bitch. I meant Phoebe being a witch. (-Turns back to Jason.-) Since you found out about that, how has that affected your life? And don't say it hasn't. That's a fucking lie.
Jason: Well, my business empire has increased quite considerably. And I'm currently dating some very special to me. (-Pause for dramatic effect.-)…Chris!
(Piper spits her drink all over Leo, who had been eyeing the same cameraman Phoebe was.)
Piper: Please for the love of Me tell me you mean Christina!
(Big Gay Chris stumbles in. And he's not even drunk. But Piper drank a lot when she was pregnant so that sorta explains it.)
Chris: Mom... I can't hide it anymore. I'm gay.
Piper: Well, big-fucking-duh! But you can do way better than Ask Freebie's leftovers!
Phoebe: My left shoulder? (–Looks.-) The tatt?
Prue: No, you slutty idiot. Piper, for whatever reason thinks her 2nd born, highly neglected son is better than you.
Paige: …And she has a point.
(Chris is crying. Jason is holding him.)
Chris: 'Why can't they just accept me!
Leo: (-All bitchy-) Jason, how could you! With my own Big Gay son! You said you loved me! (–Apple face-cries.-)
Paige: (-Muttering to Prue sarcastically.-) And you thought the family line wouldn't end with Chris.
Prue: Did I say you could talk to me?
Piper: (-Lost it. Blows an audience member up to get everyone's attention.-) Okay, I had just about enough out of everyone here. Prue, just let go of being mad at Paige already. I mean, so she slept with that guy at the bar you thought was checking you out—Two things. No guy in their right mind would check you out. And Phoebe has done most of your boyfriends too.
Phoebe: (-Nods proudly,-) I have.
Piper: …And all of you "men" can shove it! No, cuz you'd like that… Just go die! Now, why don't we move onto what the fans actually want? Bring in The Cole!
(Sexy music plays and Cole shimmers in. The room gets all tense.)
Cole: (-Looks around.-) Oh, C'mon! I spent the better part of 3 seasons trying to get away from you lunatics!
Phoebe: Loony Tunes? I love them!
(Cole hangs his head. Paige TK-Orbs his clothes off. Everyone ogles. He covers his "fireballs" and cowards behind a lawn chair.)
Prue: Wow, Raige did something right for once.
Piper: Don't you hate Cole?
Prue: (-Trying to catch an eyeful of Cole ass, along with everyone else in the studio.-) Did you say something…?
Piper: Never mind. I'm gonna go lay down.
(She leaves with a sigh. Leo takes Jason and Dan to the backdoor for some more "comfort". Chris cries. Again. Some more.) Prue's still looking at Cole's ass.)
Prue: (-She says again to no one-) Did you say something?'
Paige: 'Umm, What do we do now? Piper left!… Without her there is no balance!… No order!… No grea—'
Phoebe: Wow Paige, I didn't know you looked up to Piper so much.
Paige: Nah, I'm just reading the cue-cards.
(Prue gets tired of Cole hiding behind the chair then she TK's it on top of Dan, strangely killing him.)
Prue: That's better.
(Chris runs up to Cole.)
Chris: I'll "save" you.
(-They orb out.-)
Prue: (-Puts a hand on her hip.-) Dammit. Now what?'
Paige: Well, we could be go ahead and bring out more ex's.
Prue: You have a ton from what I hear...
Paige: Jealous? Sorry, no man wants a chick with fleas.
Prue: Hey! It's a serious problem! (–She scratches her ear just a lil bit, trying to be discreet about it.-)
Alex: (-Off-screen.-) I still say my joke was better.
Nicole: (-Off-screen.-) Can it already. It's still the same basic joke, but with a different (better) delivery.
Phoebe: (-Ignoring everyone as per usual.-) Please welcome Jack Sheridan and Belthazar Getttt…uh, I forgot his last name…'
(Both Prue and Paige grimace…well, Paige actually mugs. Richard and Jack make their way to the stage.)
Richard: My name's Richard! Christ! I was pretty much Paige's first love on this god-forsaken show.
Alex: (-Off-screen.-) Like hell you were. That place is Kyle's. You were just "convenient."
Nicole: (-Off-screen.-) Stop bugging the characters.
Alex: (-Off-screen.-) What the fuck ever.
Nicole: (-Off-screen-) Hey, don't bitch at me. (Alex throw up his hand.)
Alex: (-Off-screen-) Talk to the hand cuz the face don't give a damn. (Nicole rolls her eyes)
Jack: Prue I've missed you! Where've you been?
Prue: Dead…which is exactly where I wanna be right now.
Phoebe: Umm, that can be arranged, but we'll save that for later. Now we have questions. This is for both of you...what did you guys see in my sisters exactly? And don't say looks, we all know that's a sack of poopy-shit.
Richard: Well after Olivia died I didn't get any for a while and Paige was cool with the witch thing. Plus, she didn't mind me getting possessive of her.
Paige: Actually--I did.
Richard: Aw, come back to me baby! I'm using magic again so let's just get married!
Paige: Umm I got married. Besides, the reason I left you was because you used magic. I swear, you're like a fucking magic-addict.
Richard: Oh…well I'm still gonna go kill the guy you married. (–Goes to hunt Henry.-)
Phoebe: Uh, shouldn't you go stop him before he kills your husband?
Paige: Hey, I've barely seen him since the wedding so the chances of Richard finding him are very slim.
Prue: That's cuz he don't love you! Ha!
Paige: (-Irritated.-) Hey Jack, you never answered the question.
Prue: (-Mumbling.-) Shut up, shut up.
Paige: What's so darn appealing about Prue?
Jack: Well you see, Prue does this thing when we're fuc-
Prue: (-In a high voice.-) Who wants to see Glenn now? I know I do! (-She TK's Glenn onto the set-) Wow, he's tall and weird looking.
Paige: Hey Glenn.
Glenn: Paige? Am I here for another booty call? That's 5 times in one month.
Jack: … Like I was saying she takes these jumper cables and...
Jack: Yea! That was our safe word, though I wanted it to be "tunafish".
Glenn: Hey Paige, do you think you can cast that spell that made me all stretchy again?
Glenn: Cuz I got this date with this dude named Chris later and—
Prue: Holy crap! Is every guy on this show gay and into Chris?
Daryl: (-Walks in from his "vacation"-) I'm not. (-Everyone laughs loudly. Cause I'm surrounded by morons.-)
Paige: Whoa, wait, aren't you married Glenn?
Glenn: It's an open marriage.
Paige: Oh… (–Catches on.-) 'Ohh.'
Prue: Okay, are we done with the guys here? Cuz I for one am getting sick... (-Andy bounds in.-) …of Andy...
Andy: Prue... (-Stupid sappy music plays.-) I'm here for...
Prue: Please don't say Chris!
Andy: Who's Chris? No, I'm here for a date-- with Phoebe.
(Quite possibly the whole charmed fanbase suffers a major heart attack. Offstage Nicole starts choking on her sandwich. Alex has to do the Heimlich maneuver, but realizes he can't…so Piper runs up and does it. The sandwich piece hits Phoebe in the back of the head but she doesn't realize it.)
Prue: (-Stunned.-) Phoebe? The fuck!
Phoebe: (-Her nose scrunches up.-) Eww, sorry Andy, but you got Prue stank on you.
Andy: (-Obviously hurt-) No! We only slept together once the whole season! I swear!
Paige: That's sad, dude. You basically got more action from the Rabbit Teeth guy that's humping the couch right now. (-Points to Jack.-) Come to think of it, his teeth are almost as big as mom's wer...
(Long pause as everyone stares at the guy that Prue's boinking and the harsh reality sinks in.)
Paige: I-I'm gonna to throw up now. (–Orbs out.-)
Prue: (-Finally catching up to the rest of the class.-) Uh, Jack. Is your mom still alive?
Jack: (-Stops.-) I don't really know. She put me up for adoption when I was born. Why?'
(He randomly TK-ties his shoelace. Prue runs out to barf her guts out. Phoebe and Jack just stare at each other for awhile-)
Phoebe: (-Randomly.-) Wanna play Jenga?
Alex: Well, that sucked monkey balls.
Nicole: Who, Phoebe? Cuz I've seen that tape too.
Alex: No, not what I meant… and ew.
Nicole: Well, either way, next time we can finally kill Billie.-drools with murderous glee.-
Alex: Heh… -sing-son.-scary…