Secret Shame

Chapter 1 Suspicion

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

Dean had been driving for 2 hours straight and his eyes were beginning to hurt. 'Dude, you wanna drive for a bit?' Dean looked over at Sam who was currently staring out the window, oblivious that his brother was talking.

'Hey!' he smacked him on the shoulder which made Sam jump in fright. He looked over to his brother who had raised his eyebrows.

'Stop daydreaming, do you want to drive for a bit?'

'I'm too tired…' he said as he watched a sign go by saying "Dave's Motel 1 mile ahead", '…why don't we stop for the night?'

Dean had seen the sign too and it was getting pretty dark so he decided to stop at the Motel. He could do with some rest after all.

Once they got the keys for their room, which was paid for using Dean's credit card under the name Ted Hammer, they started towards the door.

'Lucky number 6…' said Dean as he pushed the door open with his foot. Sam followed behind him who closed it, the room was dark until Dean turned the light on. It was fairly basic; there were 2 single beds ahead and a table and chairs to the left.

Sam threw his bags on the bed and started rummaging through them to get his night wear. He headed for the bathroom on the far away wall, 'I'm gonna go get changed…' he said.

'What can't change in front of me?' Dean sniggered as he lay down on his bed closest to the door. There was no word from Sam except the closing of the door.

It had been like this for a few months now Dean had noticed. His brother always changed for bed in the bathroom and would come out with a long sleeved top on and boxers whereas before he just stripped down to his boxers and jumped into bed. Dean didn't think it was anything to worry about but it still made him curious.

The bathroom door opened with Sam dressed exactly as Dean had predicted, he went into bed and fell asleep quite fast. Dean lay on his side staring over at his little brother.

Something had changed with Sammy in the last couple of months, he didn't know what but there were so many small things that set off his big brother alarm bells that something was up.

Dean hated chick flick moments so preferred to stay quiet until he felt Sam was in real danger. He would make sure to keep a careful watch over his brother. Sighing, Dean rolled over and tried to sleep, faintly aware of Sammy's groaning while having another nightmare.

Morning came too fast for Sam's liking; he didn't have the energy to get up for another day of hunting. He barely got enough sleep last night after having his ritual nightmare of Jessica dying.

Dean kept shouting his name, giving him light punches to force him to get up. He just groaned and rolled over hoping Dean would magically disappear.

'Sam! Get your ass out of bed, now! We have a lot to do today…' Sam groaned again and held the covers tighter into him.

'That's it', Dean mumbled. He took a handful of covers and pulled them out of his brother's grasp, still unmoving Dean then grabbed Sam's arm to pull him out of bed forcefully when there was a loud gasp.

'Argh, Dean! Watch it man…' Sam exclaimed, rubbing his arm warily. He sat up, grabbed his clothes and started heading to the bathroom to get changed when a hand stopped him on the shoulder. 'Dude what's wrong with your arm?' Dean said, narrowing his eyes while glancing at Sam's arm.

'Nothing, it's fine, you just gave me a fright, and I'm going to get changed…so…' he looked at Dean's hand on his shoulder, preventing him from going anywhere. To Sam's relief he let go and allowed him to go get changed.

Leaving a confused Dean in the bedroom he locked the door behind him. Breathing heavily he closed his eyes while unconsciously cradling his arm into his chest.

That was close, he thought. Sam opened his eyes and looked at his arm, he pulled up his sleeve to reveal a series of fresh cuts slashed across his arm, and there were also many old scars.

He had started cutting himself a few months ago. In a fit of rage he smashed a mirror and not understanding why he took one of the broken pieces of glass and dragged it across his wrist, hissing as he felt the pain but smiling when the blood started to flow.

It made him feel…free. All of his pain disappeared, it was as if a burden had been lifted, a tightening of his chest gone.

He didn't want to die at all; life was so precious to be wasted like that. The cutting just made it easier for him to live each day feeling alive.

He felt ashamed that he had to keep it a secret from Dean but he knew that Dean would never understand, he would think that he was a freak.

Even though he felt like a freak, he didn't want his big brother thinking that of him. No, Dean must never know, he thought. Although it is getting harder to hide it from him, he is too observant and notices the small changes.

Sam felt around inside his pocket, 'Ow…' he pulled out a blade, he had pricked his finger when trying to pull it out. He needed to cut. To get through the day, right now he felt panicked and he didn't like that feeling.

He walked over and sat on the closed toilet seat. Looking at his cuts he smiled and brought down the blade, pushing deep into his skin. Closing his eyes tightly he tried to make as little noise as possible.

Slowly slicing through his skin he could hear it tear and leave a gaping wound behind, blood flowing freely. Looking down he was satisfied, he grabbed a towel and damped his arm, trying to stop the bleeding. The wound needed stitches but he didn't care. He just had to clot the blood and then he would fix it later.

He had already spent about 5 minutes in the bathroom and knew Dean would start getting suspicious.

As soon as he had stopped the bleeding and quickly cleaned up as much as he could he stood up and headed for the door.

Sighing, he put a smile on his face and walked out. Dean was ready with the bags in his hands, standing at the door.

Dean looked up when Sam came out the bathroom. Took him long enough, what the hell was he doing in there, he thought. He noticed the forced smile on his little brother's face and couldn't help but ask, 'Are you ok?' he raised his eyebrows.

Looking surprised, Sam replied. 'Of course…so we going or what.' Dean seen right through his lie, Sam could never lie well, even as a child.

'Yeah let's go' said Dean. He let Sam go out in front of him watching his every move.

They squinted in the early morning sun as they approached the gleaming car. Still glancing at his little brother he decided that something was wrong and he was going to find out what. After all that is what big brothers are for.