Secret Shame

Chapter 5 Childhood Memories

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm and some strong language.


Psychokittyuk: It means a lot to me that you like the story. The wait is over so you can breathe! hehe. I am going to try and update as frequent as possible but it all depends on the spare time I have :)

Boann: Thanks for the correction, unfortuantly my Beta reader is away for a couple of days to Manchester so you are stuck with ill used grammer I'm afraid but feel free to correct me, I am sure there is a lot that has to be changed...enjoy the rough copy anyways!

Elisa: Thanks for giving people a push to review hehe! Much appreciated! I'm happy you like the story.

Bridgett: There is much more angst to come muwahaha! evil laugh

All reviews: Thank you so much for reviewing, it encourages me to write more, knowing that people actually want to read it! This chapter is a bit scattered, not much happens, just a lot of thinking but I promise the next will be really good so you will have to wait a while for that one I am afraid! So keep Reviewing people! And I will keep producing chapters!

Dean sat in a world of his own, his dad was away to get some food and Sam had yet to wake up He was thinking things over in his head, mainly remembering times when they were younger, putting bits of the puzzle together about Sam. He replayed scenes from back home when he would pick on Sammy for his floppy hair do or when they played pranks on each other, every time Dean won of course, he smiled. But there were also the bad times; times of confusion that unfortunately all made sense now. With a vacant stare Dean travelled back in time to a particular part of his memory.

The school phoned home informing him that Sam had gotten himself in detention, which was a big surprise as he was the geek in the family. Luckily for Sam his dad was away on a hunting trip so Dean had to go down to the school which he wasn't pleased about in the least to talk to his Head Teacher. When arriving Dean knocked on the classroom door and entered to find his brother sitting gloomily at a desk in the front, he sniggered.

'Mr. Winchester, I am glad you came!'

'Of course.'

'Are you Samuel's father?'

Dean looked affronted, he was only 21. Although he thought it would be best to lie in this situation so his dad didn't find out.

He cleared his throat to make it deeper 'Umm…yes that's me! What has the rascal done this time?' he said smiling.

'Well Mr. Winchester it is quite serious.'

A whining came from behind the two adults and they turned around to the sulking teenager.

'I didn't start it! He-'

'Be quiet this instant!' not another sound was heard out of Sam

'He punched his English teacher in the face, poor Mr. Filbert might have a broken nose! You're lucky he isn't pressing charges!'

Dean looked over at his little brother in surprise, something was a miss, Sam wasn't a violent person why would he attack his teacher? People he looked up to whereas Dean looked down on them.

'I am sure there is a logical explanation, Sam isn't an aggressive child he-'

'I asked Samuel why he did it and his response was and I quote...' she cleared her voice while staring at Sam '…he deserved what he got, he shouldn't have grabbed me! I would do it again if I could'

She looked towards who she thought was Samuel's father. Dean was shocked that his brother would behave in this way especially to authority figures, he had his eyebrows raised and looked at Sam intently who was too busy scribbling in his book. Their father was always out hunting so Dean was left to bring Sam up and he knew Sam had the capability of doing great, he was too clever to throw all his chances of doing well in school away, Dean had to sort him out.

'Sam, look at me'

'Get lost.'

'Sam! Apologise to your head teacher now.' He said sternly.

'Why should I?' he looked up '…he deserved it'

'If you don't apologise in 3 seconds…' he looked fixedly at Sam '…you will be sorry!'

Sam laughed as he looked at his big brother knowing he wasn't his dad so he couldn't do anything to him.

'Or what? You going to ground me?' he had a cheeky grin on his face while sitting back in his chair.

This isn't like Sam, what has gotten into him? Well whatever it is, I'm not going to allow him to talk to me like this in front of his teacher, I have to get him home.

'Sorry I didn't catch your name?'

'Mrs. Lawson, head teacher.'

He smiled sincerely 'Mrs. Lawson, thank you for making me aware of this situation but if you don't mind I would like to take him home now and talk to him about it there.'

She didn't look like she wanted to comply but another smile from Dean made her change her mind.

'Of course, he has detention for a week and I'm sure you will assign him the punishment he deserves?'

'You can count on it' he let his smile drop as he grabbed Sam by the arm and led him out the door.

'Thank you Mrs. Lawson'

'Let go of me!' Sam squealed.

Once outside the classroom Dean pinned his little brother up against the wall.

'Alright punk, what's going on!'

'Dean, don't touch me!'

He gripped on Sam's shoulders tighter with a menacing look forcing Sam to wince.

'We are going home now and if you don't do as I say I'm telling dad and he will tan your hide, are we clear?'

Sam gulped in fear but nodded and shuffled along outside and into the car. When in his seat he rubbed the place where Dean had gripped him so tightly. Dean noticed the movement and smirked.

When they arrived home Sam went to run upstairs to his room but Dean held him back by his bag that was on his shoulders.

'Not so fast. Living room. Now!' he ordered.

His little brother traipsed into the room and sat on the couch looking miserable.

'Tell me exactly what happened.'

'You wont believe me.' He mumbled

'Try me.'

'Fine, he started shouting at me for no reason, I was talking to- I mean I was doing my work and he came over and pulled me away and then there was a struggle and I fell then he grabbed me again and I punched him. Total self defence Dean!'

'Hmm…I'm sure there are two sides to the story.'

'See! I knew you wouldn't believe me! You never do!'

Sam hit the sofa's crème arm rest in a rage and sat there staring at the wall.

'You're a teenager, of course your going to lie, I was one too remember!'

'Well I'm nothing like you, thank god!'

Dean composed his expression and said in a monotone voice, 'Right fine. If you're going to be like that then I have one way to resolve this. You're grounded. No going out after school and no T.V, you got that?'

'Are you taking the piss?'

'Language!' he reprimanded

'You're not my Dad! I don't have to do what you say!' Sam said outraged

Dean leaned closer, 'YES! You do! Or Dad will find out about it and I'm sure he wouldn't waste his time grounding you…'

Sam didn't reply so Dean carried on, 'Are we cool?'

'How long?' he mumbled


'How long am I grounded for?' Sam said reluctantly. It was obvious he wasn't happy about this but it was better than his dad finding out then he probably wouldn't be able to sit down for a week.

Smiling slightly Dean said, 'Two weeks is enough I think'

Sam bit down on his tongue then stood, kicking the couch as he left and slamming his bedroom door upstairs.

Dean shook his head, it was hard trying to be the cool big brother and the father. He stared vacantly at Sam's empty seat when something caught his eye. The arm rest had blood on it, crouching closer he noticed it was wet, had Sam gotten himself hurt?

Running upstairs he went into Sam's room to find it empty, confused he called out his name.

'I'm in the shower'

He walked to the bathroom but didn't hear any water running.

'Sam why don't I hear water running?'

Next thing the water was heard pouring out the shower head.

'Sam are you ok? Have you hurt yourself?'

'Wha-what do you mean?'

'There is blood on the sofa.'

'Oh! Umm I'm fine, just cut my hand when I fell today but it's ok.'

'Ok, well if you're sure!' he frowned.


Dean was yanked out of his memories by the sound of his phone ringing, he quickly grabbed it and answered.


'Dean, it's dad. Listen…I have to go-'

'Woah, where are you?'

'I'm driving down the Interstate-'

'Dad! What are you talking about?'

'Listen son! I have a new lead on the demon! I got a phone call from an old friend, he gave me my next location I need to go-'

'Where? We'll come aswell-'

'No son! You stay and look after your brother, I will be gone a week at least. Take care of yourselves! Tell Sam…tell him I'm sorry but it's important.'

'What about your speech? Saying how we need to stick together as a family and-'

'Dean I don't have time for this! I'm gaining on it! I have given you an order, look after Sammy, no more hunting till I get back, I will see you soon.'

Then he was gone. Hanging up the phone Dean sat with his hands on his head, what am I going to do? I can't do this alone. He looked over at Sam who he thought was still sleeping but he found him sitting up in bed, staring right back.

'He's gone isn't he?'

Dean looked unsure what to say but said, 'Yeah he is, but he will be back in a week-'

'Yeah right. Then when a week is up it will be another phone call…' he began to mimic John's voice '…I'm sorry boys but I have a new lead, I'm so close.'

'It's the same all the time Dean.'

'Yeah.' He whispered

Both boys looked sad, they should be used to their Dad constantly leaving but it still hurt when he did. Dean stood up and stretched motioning for Sam to follow him.

'Do you want to take a walk?

'Uhh sure.'

Sitting in the Motel bar, cheesy music played as they drank their third round. It was quite busy and the two boys had found a small table over near the corner. Dean constantly glanced at Sam which irritated him, 'Dude quit it! I'm not going to fall to pieces!'

'I didn't do anything.' He feigned innocence, smiling

'Yeah whatever.'

'Oh somebody is cranky this evening!' He cooed jokingly

Sam took another swig of his drink and missed the worried look Dean sent him which was gone when he lowered his bottle.

'Want a game of pool? I will kick your ass!'

'Sure why not?'

They both went over to the pool table and broke. Just as Sam was about to take his turn a rough voice from behind said, 'Hey! That's my table!'

He spun around and faced a scruffy biker man, Dean came to his side to see what the problem was.

'What's the matter? We're playing here!' Dean said

'No your not, we are so get out my way freaks!'

He grabbed Sam to push him away when he gasped loudly and tried to pull away, getting himself into a panic. The biker thought that he wanted to fight so grabbed him again to take a swing when Sam squealed 'Dean!'


The biker dropped to the floor after Dean whacked the pool cue over his head. Smiling at his work he helped Sammy up off the floor. Everyone else in the bar carried on with what they were doing, leaving the biker man on the floor.

'Are you alright?' he said, quickly scanning his little brother for any injuries.

'I'm fine, just got a fright…' he sighed '…go on already, make fun of me.'

Sam waited for the tirade of jokes and insults of how he was a cry baby and couldn't fight to save his life.

Dean just stared at him weirdly, 'Lets head home Sam'

Surprised Sam said, 'Uhh sure!'

Stepping over the unconscious biker they walked back to their room.

'Oh wait!' Dean said.

'What is it?'

'I have to do something. I will be right back…' he said while running off to the Motel gift shop.

Puzzled Sam stood waiting on his brother to return when he seen him head his way 2 minutes later with…a packet of chips.

'Chips? You went to the shop to get chips?' now it was Sam's turn to look at his brother weirdly.

Munching a mouthful he said, 'Yeah? So? Oh sorry, do you want some?'

He offered to Sam who refused, 'No you eat them up Dean, looks like you're starving.' He said with raised eyebrows as he sniggered.


Shrugging Dean went and let them into the room throwing the keys on the table. As usual Sam went to change in the bathroom which left Dean with a perfect opportunity to do what he was about to do. Putting the decoy bag of chips down he pulled out a whoopee cushion that was tucked in the back of his pants under his jacket. He smiled as he placed it under Sam's bed sheets ready for him to go to bed. The bathroom door unlocked and he jumped into his own bed out of breathe.

Suspicious looking Sam asked, 'What were you doing?' he looked about the room.

'Nothing, are you going to bed?' he asked innocently, trying to keep a straight face.


Sam walked over and grabbed the chips off the table to bring over to the bed and turned the lights out while Dean switched on the bedside lamp.

Passing Dean his chips who saluted him mockingly he then proceeded to jump into bed when there was a loud farting noise and Dean couldn't hold it in any longer.

'Hahahahaha….oh man look at your face! Classic!' he held his stomach as he laughed hard.

Sam scowled at him but smiled a little at the stupidity of it, that's Dean for you.

'What age are you Dean? That's so lame, you used to do that when I was like 6!'

'Hehe and it is still funny!'

Sam genuinely smiled and it became bigger when he remembered a prank he done to Dean when his brother was about 15 and he was 11.

'I think the best prank of all was when I pretended to be your girlfriend on the phone and told you I was breaking up with you…' he laughed so hard he struggled to breathe.

'…you were like please Kirsty don't break up with me, we can work it out! Is it cause I call you my snuggle bunny because I will stop! ...'

Dean stared at him with a straight face remembering when he had done that. His brother was young and his squeaky voice could easily pass for a girls. Kirsty had been his first love and when he thought she was breaking up with him he was distraught that he nearly started crying on the phone.

'Shut up! I didn't say that! And it wasn't funny Sam!' he said angrily

Still laughing Sam said, 'Oh man! It so was, you were nearly in tears until I couldn't hold in the laughter any longer, you could hear me laughing from the next room!'

'Yeah then I kicked your ass! Remember that?' he said now smiling as Sam's smile dropped.

'Hmm…it was the best one though even though I paid for it afterwards!' he said remembering the good old days.

'I wish we were still kids.' Sam said '…It was fun back then…'

'It sure was!' he smiled while turning out the light 'Night Sammy!'

'Mmhm night'

For the first time in a while both boys fell into a dreamy sleep of good memories that made them smile as they surrendered to their unconscious.

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