A/N: HAHAHA. LIKE THIS IDEA HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE RIGHT? Oh well. Thought up a bunch of single-lines during a long car-trip and just strung them together into this thing. The Wishing Stick is real by the by, my spanish teacher used it to make us shut up. :3
Dr. Alan Burke had a pretty good grip on life. He was fast approaching 50 but he still had the sparkle in his eyes of a teenager and he was hard not to like. He'd graduated at the top of class from Princeton University and landed a cushy job in a private clinic soon after. His colleagues respected him and his rehabilitation methods (especially in family and group counseling) were unrivaled in the area. And while his professional and academic life were impressive, he still managed to find time to spend with his lovely wife of nearly twenty years and his two teenage sons.
All in all he was a pretty well-rounded individual. He'd been a therapist for more then a decade and had seen and treated just about everything under the sun.
However. Nothing, not anything, could have prepared poor Dr. Burke for the favor asked by the little blond girl with sad blue eyes that showed up in his office that fateful morning.
Nodding a good morning to his secretary, Dr. Burke stepped into his office and nearly had a heart attack when he saw there was someone already in the room.
"Excuse me, Miss?"
She turned to look at him, nearly dropping the paperweight she had been toying with, "Namine, sir."
"Miss Namine," he corrected himself, "Office hours start at 8am, but I'm sure if you'll just step outside here, you can make an appointment with my secretary and…"
Namine stepped forward, biting her lip, "I just had to see you! I've read about all the people you've helped, all the 'impossible' cases you've taken on and-and you've really done some good…and…I've tried everything else." She looked up at him with the biggest bluest puppy dog eyes he'd ever seen, "Please sir, just hear me out."
He was no match for Namine's puppy dog eyes. Oh well, his first appointment wasn't for another hour or so, it couldn't hurt to hear the girl out. He gestured for her to sit down and she did, folding her hands in her lap and looking back at him gratefully.
"Alright Namine, why don't you tell me why you're here." He took a sip of his coffee.
She nodded, "Well…you see, I live with…well I guess you could call them," She paused, deep in thought, "…housemates." She couldn't very well say they were 'the group of emotionally lacking psychopaths hell-bent on evil-doing that she lived with'.
"Go on." He urged.
"And well…sometimes they just…don't 'get along.' It causes a lot of problems." She frowned.
Well, that sounded basic enough. Probably a simple lack of communication and proper boundaries.
He took another sip of coffee, "How many 'housemates' do you have?"
"Thirteen. Twelve boys and one girl."
He nearly spat it out. "Fourteen people in one house? Dear god, no wonder you're having problems!"
"It's a…unique situation." She gave him a small smile.
He stared. He'd never done a group session with more then four, thirteen would be ridiculous. She must have noticed the look of horror on his face because she took a piece of paper out of her dress and slid it across his desk, "Please Sir, I don't know what else to try. Nobody else has been able to help me. I'm willing to pay whatever you ask," She gestured to the paper, "That's just an offer, if you want more-"
He looked at the number written on the paper. Wow that was a lot of zeros.
It had taken a lot of begging and a few more puppy looks and zeros, but eventually Dr Burke agreed to do a group session to assess the situation.
And so, a week after his impromptu meeting with Namine, the good doctor found himself seated just outside a circle of thirteen of the strangest looking people he'd ever seen. They were all wearing long black hooded coats and not a single one of them sported a normal hairstyle. Not a one. In fact he was almost positive the only female in the group; a petite blond named Larxene; had bug feelers coming out of her head.
He took one last glance over his chart to make sure he had all the names straight and cleared his throat to get their attention. Twelve and a half pairs of eyes swiveled in his direction.
"Hello everyone!" He said in a friendly, calm tone. Nobody said hello back. Undaunted, he continued, "My name is Dr. Burke, and hopefully Namine has told you all why we're here today." The twelve and a half pairs of eyes swiveled to look at the door (Namine was waiting in the lobby of the clinic) briefly, before returning to Dr. Burke.
"Does anyone have any questions for me before we begin?"
Larxene raised her hand.
"Larxene; yes!" He nodded at her.
"Do you have any gum?"
"Ah - no, I'm afraid I don't, I'm sorry."
She rolled her eyes.
"Anyone else have any questions?"
"Great. Okay." He pulled a stack of papers from a desk drawer and handed them out, "What I have here is a list of words and phrases that we're going to try to avoid using. This is meant to be a positive, constructive environment for dealing with any problems you may have with one another; and it's my belief that the use of these words won't help anybody and could even create some hostility."
Marluxia's eyes flickered to Axel.
Vexen raised his hand.
"What happens if we use these words?"
Dr Burke smiled at him, "Well, I'll simply ask you to rephrase it in a more positive, constructive way."
Vexen didn't return the smile, but nodded.
"And one more important thing." He retrieved a long plastic tube from his desk, painted brightly and decorated with feathers and glitter. Twelve and a half pairs of eyes turned to stare at it in horror and disgust.
"This right here, is 'The Wishing Stick.' You can only speak if you're holding the Wishing Stick, and I ask that the rest of you be respectful and listen to whomever is holding it."
Stunned silence followed. Dr Burke didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he ignored it.
"Now then, any questions about the list before we begin the first exercise?"
There were no questions, of course.
"Great. Super. Now this is a simple exercise to break the ice and start things off on a good note. I want you to turn and look at the person to your left," Everyone did so. "Everyone got it? Great. Now I want you to think of something nice to say about that person. We'll go around the circle now and hear what everyone's got to say." He handed the Wishing Stick to Demyx, "Demyx, why don't you start us off?"
Demyx looked up at Lexaeus.
Lexaeus looked down at Demyx.
Demyx looked at everyone else.
Everyone else looked at Demyx.
Demyx looked back up at Lexaeus.
Dr Burke nodded at him in encouragement.
Zexion leaned over and sniffed Lexaeus.
Dr Burke nodded, "Good! That was a good start. Great."
Demyx practically threw the Wishing Stick at Lexaeus, like it was a snake.
Lexaeus looked down at Zexion, and Zexion looked up at him out of the corner of his eye.
Silence reigned as Lexaeus thought.
Luxord started to doze off in his seat.
Lexaeus thought some more.
Luxord jolted awake when Xigbar pegged him with his crumpled up 'Forbidden Words' list.
Lexaeus sat up a little straighter, "Zexion…he can do this amazing thing with his tongue that-"
A collective wail of dismay rose from the group and Vexen put his hands over Roxas' ears.
Zexion's face remained stoic but a light blush had settled across his cheeks and he even turned a little to stare at Lexaeus, who mouthed a defensive, 'What?' at him.
Dr Burke, stunned at first, quickly recovered and purged the horrible mental images from his mind, clearing his throat, "Well. Oh, erm…That wasn't exactly what I was looking for there but good, that's good. It's nice that you can be open about that sort of thing." Zexion kicked Lexaeus in the shin and refused to look at anyone.
"Axel is not overweight." He muttered and thrust the Wishing Stick at the redhead, who took it gingerly and turned to leer at Marluxia.
Marluxia balled his hands into fists and waited.
"Marluxia grows very pretty flowers." Smirk.
"Axel you sonuvaBITCH." He ripped the Wishing Stick out of Axel's hand, tackled him to the floor and started beating him over the head with it faster then anyone could blink.
"Marluxia is very sensitive about his flowers." Demyx explained casually to Dr Burke, who was looking at the scuffle in horror.
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen please can we be civil about this?" He tried unsuccessfully to separate the two and was almost knocked silly when he tried to stop Marluxia from shoving the Wishing Stick down Axel's throat. He looked around desperately for help but was rewarded with disinterested stares and it seemed that Luxord had fallen asleep again.
"We usually just let them work it out." Lexaeus offered.
"This-" He gestured to where Axel was howling in pain as Marluxia twisted his arm at an awkward angle, "This happens…often?"
"At least four times a day." Roxas said, "Sometimes Axel wins but usually Marluxia gets bored and lets him go after awhile…See?"
Dr Burke looked back at the fight. Marluxia was back in his seat, fuming but looking slightly calmer then before. Axel was dragging himself back into his chair with some degree of difficulty.
"Saix is a very strong fighter." Marluxia ground out, handing over the Wishing Stick but not taking his hateful glare off of Axel, who was now preoccupied in making sure none of his injuries were fatal.
"Luxord is good at Card Games." He had to jab the Wishing Stick into Luxord's side to wake him up before handing it off.
"Xigbar has good aim…!"
"Larxene has a nice rack."
SLAP. She backhanded him across the face so hard his chair almost tipped over, then zapped him for good measure.
Luxord and Xaldin scooched their chairs away a little to create some distance between themselves and the fuming Larxene and fried Xigbar.
"Xaldin has hair." She growled. Nobody dared tell her that that didn't really count and Xaldin tentatively accepted the Wishing Stick from her. No sudden movements.
"Vexen is very smart."
"Roxas is a good kid."
"Xemnas is a natural leader."
"Demyx is completely and utterly incompetent at just about everything."
Saix snickered. Demyx looked crestfallen. Lexaeus patted him on the shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting and gentle way but ended up almost knocking him over.
Against his better judgment, Dr. Burke scooched his chair a little closer to Xemnas, "Now, Xemnas, that really wasn't very constructive and while your opinions are certainly valued here I would really appreciate it if maybe you could -"
"I'm amazed that Demyx has managed to keep from sticking his tongue in a light-socket and killing himself. I honestly did not believe he had the brain-power for that kind of restraint." Xemnas said haughtily and glared at Dr. Burke; as though challenging him.
Demyx sniffled and looked at the ground. Saix snickered again.
"Aww…wittle baby gonna cry? Gonna cry?" He taunted, leering.
"S-Shut up! I am not!" Demyx's lower lip trembled a little bit.
"Saix, please, this-" Dr. Burke tried futilely to stop the oncoming emotional slaughter.
"He is! Aww…Lookit the wittle baby crying 'cause he can't handle the truth!"
"Hey Saix, what's that brown stuff on your nose?" Xaldin sneered suddenly.
"Hey Xaldin, why don't you shut the fuck up and go WASH YOUR HAIR!" The remaining members of the Organization looked at each other warily, sensing danger.
"Hey Saix, why don't you stop licking Xemnas' shoes and MAKE ME!"
That was the final straw apparently, as Saix leaped clear across the circle with a roar. Dr Burke took a moment to look around. Saix and Xaldin were beating the shit out of each other on his desk, Luxord was snoring loudly as a still-smoldering Xigbar drew dirty pictures on his face with a sharpie. Demyx was crying into Lexaeus' shoulder and Zexion looked put off (as much as he ever looked anything, that is.) Marluxia looked thoughtful for a moment before shrugging and tackling an unsuspecting Axel to the ground for another round. The rest of them were either watching Xaldin and Saix or cheering on Marluxia. He silently left the room and made his way down to the lobby, where Namine all but jumped from her chair with a worried look on her face. She started to ask him what was going on but he held up a hand to stop her.
"Those people…are not right in the head. Not right at all."
"You're giving up too…" She looked down at the ground, sadness evident in her posture. Unfortunately for dear Dr. Burke, his heart melted at the sight. Poor guy.
"I guess…I guess maybe I could try individual sessions. The fee, however…" He could use a nice vacation with the wife and kids after this.
"Is not a problem!" She grasped his hand in hers and sighed in relief, "Thank you so much Dr Burke…"
"It's no problem." Yes it was. "Just…bring them back next week around the same time."
------------------------------------------ pie sucks
Another A/N: Not funny at all. :3 Oh well, it was funny in my head. I'll probably rewrite it at a later date and add funny. I blame the fact that I was doing a physics lab at the same time I was writing it. NEXT CHAPTER ZOMGWTFBBQ: Individual sessions! Demyx learns the meaning of Molestation, Marluxia reveals his big secret, and we find out why the fuck Oreo keeps starting shit when she still has other stuff to finish. Oh...yeah, plus! How Namine got them all to agree to see a shrink. That might be somewhat important. Kinda.