A/N: So. I have this thing here. It's like…a pie. But it's made out of cookie. Cookie!Pie. And I sez to myself I sez "Keika-Chan, if you aren't careful then you will eat too much Cookie!Pie and make yourself sick!" Then I sez to myself, I sez, "Keika-Chan stop talkin to yourself and eat some damn Cookie!Pie!" So I did. And what do you know, I ate too much and made myself sick.

Understandably, this chapter is not funny as a result. I know I said that the first chapter wasn't funny, but I was partly fishing for compliments and partly half-asleep. But I'm serious! This one is really not funny. In fact, I don't know why you all expected anything funny in the first place. Did you even read the title? It says 'Serious Issues Are Not Funny'. They ARE NOT FUNNY. THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I rest my case.

But before we begin, to my lovely reviewers. Many thanks for reviewing, and also here are some personal nods. Because lord knows that it looks like my story is longer and actually has substance if I shove all this extra text in here. :3

Rio: Perhaps a nice cold Lemonade would have been better suited, but I am very happy my story refreshed you anyway. :3 Please don't kill me, I have so much yet to live for.
shadows and sonic's girl: They do! Except for Zexion. He always struck me as a rather mellow fellow.
Kao: Omg 3
Flakes-of-Snow: Well, surely a suggestion that I do less work then I have to from a lovable reviewer such as yourself is quite agreeable. Physco Child: Darling, Darling, Darling. Please secure your head so that it doesn't pop off. That sounds like it might hurt and I would hate for that to happen. ;;
Tsukai-Kaze: I'm afraid you made a mistake, while I am indeed of the legal age to 'own' property, I do not actually 'own' anything. ..
WindOfDancingFlames: You sure have a perdy mouth.
KuroNekoNya: I'm gonna serenade you now if that's alright. Clears Throat Sings Why do you build me up (build me up) buttercup baby…just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around…and then worst of all (worst of all) you never call baby when you say you will (say you will) but I love you still!
Ryu Fanel: WOW…favorites AND alert…I feel so…so special. And…well, super special! Poor Dr Burke indeed, I can't wait to have my mom show the real Dr Burke what I'm putting him through via fanfiction.
A: OMG YES! LMFAO YES! THANKS 3 Hey, did you notice that Orgie-humor sounds like Orgy-humor?
LemonSmoothie: Your name makes me thirsty. That was my favorite line too, but only because I like to abuse Demyx. He's like a little stress-ball with crazy hair and a sitar.
MaraudersForPresident: I'm sure he licks a lot of other Xemna's-parts too. :3
Soelle: Hi. You are a very special person.
Shizuma the Black Renkin Wizard: You have a really long name, ma'am.


Dr. Burke regarded the young man in front of him with the practiced 'neutral' face of someone who has seen many a strange thing in their life. And he had. Before he'd come to work in this particular clinic for only 'mildly maladjusted' people, he'd done a residency in an asylum for the criminally insane. From what he'd seen last week, he was pretty sure that most of these people belonged there instead of here but then again, he reflected; who was crazier, the actual psycho or the man who puts himself in an office alone with them?

Roxas though, didn't seem to be quite as violent or prone to flying off the handle as some of the others. He reminded him a little of his younger son, Matthew. They looked about the same age in fact - although he highly doubted Matthew could ever come up with some of the things Roxas was explaining to him at the moment.

"You all control…elements?" He was careful not to let any derision seep into his tone as he made a note on his clipboard that Roxas was delusional and quite obviously very out of touch with reality.

"Yeah. Like, I'm light, and Axel is fire and Saix is moon-"


"Sort of like Sailor Moon…except don't ever say that around him," He grimaced, "That's how Xigbar lost his eye."

"Oh my god, and after an incident like that they still live in the same house together…?"

"Well, Saix said he was really sorry afterwards."


"It must be tough being one of only two girls with that many men around, Larxene."

"Not really. Marluxia is such a fairy he practically counts as a girl anyway."

"Does it ever get lonely, not having anyone to talk to?"

"Are you saying I can't talk to anyone? And what about Namine, she's a girl!"

"Well, I just-"

"You think I'm a bitch, don't you?"

"No! No, I was just-"

"Just because I'm not a passive little pussy like Namine you automatically assume that I'm a bitch, is that it? Well I got news for you asshole, I am one of the nicest, easiest people to talk to that you will EVER fucking meet!" She was so angry that her lips were pulled back in a snarl and her bug feelers were standing straight up, giving her the look of a deranged blond angry thing with sticky-uppy hair. Yeah. Really.


"I thought we'd try an interesting little exercise now." Dr Burke brought out some ink-blot cards and smiled at Marluxia, "I'm just going to hold these up and you're going to tell me what they look like to you. Keep in mind that there are no wrong answers and everyone interprets them a little differently!"

Marluxia nodded and he held up the first one.

"A flower."

He held up another one.

"A bunch of flowers."



Another one.

"Me pounding Axel's face into a wall."

Another one.

"Axel holding a flower while I pound his face into a wall."


"So, Luxord. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?"

"Well, I like to play cards."

"Oh well that's great! Is there any game in particular that you like?"

Luxord started ticking them off on his fingers, "3 Card Brag, Poker, Go Fish, All Fives, Blackjack, 52 Pick-up, Cucumber, Asshole, Beggar My Neighbor, Yablon, Black Maria, Brag, Bridge, Bullshit, Caribbean Poker, Texas Hold 'Em…."


Dr Burke figured that Demyx probably had some deep rooted self-esteem issues that he would need to work on, but much to his surprise he seemed cheery and confident; if a little ditzy. He didn't even have to ask him any questions, the boy just sat down and started talking about everything and everyone. He rambled on for a good half-hour while Dr Burke listened, taking an occasional note down.

"…and yesterday after breakfast I wrote a new song about how Saix smells like cabbage and about Vexen's daily trips to Elementary Schools where he watches all the little girls on the playground! Maybe it could be our theme song! 'Cause every Organization should have a good theme song, right? I played it for Xigbar and he thought it was really funny-"

"Oh, you and Xigbar are good friends then?"

Demyx looked at the ground and fidgeted, suddenly becoming uncharacteristically quiet.


"I dunno."

"You don't know?"

"I dunno."



Card number 32.

"A waterfall of flowers cascading around me as I beat Axel to death with a baseball bat while he holds a bouquet of flowers."


"Hello, Axel."

"Hello, Dr Burke."

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to be sensing some hostility between you and Marluxia. Do you want to tell me about that?"

"It's more like sexual tension."

"I-I beg your pardon?"

"That's not hostility, that's sexual tension. Got it memorized?"

"Got it-What?"

"Got it memorized!"

"Yes, I heard what you said but-"

"It's my catchphrase. Got it memorized?"

"Your catchphrase."

"Right. Catchphrase. Noun. A phrase in wide or popular use, especially one serving as a slogan for an individual, group or movement."

"I know what a catchphrase is, thank you."

"Well you looked like you didn't."


"…Deuces, Dom Pedro, Egyptian Ratscrew, Rummy, Farmer's Rummy, Progressive Rummy, Republican Rummy, Democrat Rummy, Ross Perot Rummy, Michigan Rummy, King Rummy, Liverpool Rummy, Gin Rummy, Non-Alcoholic Rummy, Find the Lady, Hearts, Nine-Card Don, Old Maid, Spit, Phat, Pennies from Heaven, Pinochle, Railroad Canasta…"


Card Number 57.

"Axel rolling around naked in a field of flowers while Sakura Petals rain down around him."


"Is there any subject in particular you'd like to talk about Zexion?"


"Great. Super. Is there anything you'd like me to talk about then?"


"You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?"



Card 124.

"A happy dog."


"Wait - No. No. Axel doing naughty things with a flower."

"Oh dear god…"


"If you don't want to talk about Xigbar, that's okay Demyx."

"I dunno."

"Do you want to?"

"I dunno."

"Well if this is a sensitive subject then we can-"


Dead silence.

"Oh-Oh my."

"Does that mean he likes me?"

"W-Well I don't know, you'd have to ask him."

"I try, but he always…" Demyx blushed and leaned over to whisper it in Dr Burke's ear.

Well, poor Dr. Burke had never heard something so explicit and wrong in his entire life and as such he near about had a an aneurysm right then and there, "Guh…Gah…"

"Is that called a 'relationship'?"






"I feel like we're making a real connection here, Zexion."


"Xaldin! Hello. I'm a little eager to discuss your altercation with Saix last-"

Xaldin held up a hand to shut him up and looked mildly bored. "Xemnas is resentful that he has to work so hard and nobody understands him anyway, which obscures his guilt about actually wanting to work so hard. Despite being 2nd, Xigbar feels guilty about being less driven than Xemnas, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness and a dumb accent. Vexen is maladjusted sexually and feels inadequate so he throws himself into his experiments and writes gay porn fetish stories. Lexaeus is extremely insecure and fears failing those close to him more then anything else so he pretends to be a dumb oaf so people won't be disappointed in him should he actually fail. Zexion is not nearly as stoic as he pretends to be, he's just Emo and craves attention which he tries to get by being aloof. Also he can smell individuals like a dog, which creeps people out and so most of us stay the hell away from him. Except for Lexaeus, who thinks it's sexy. Gross. Saix has anger management issues. Plus he's madly in love with Xemnas but is in major denial. If you so much as question his heterosexuality or ears, he will fly off the handle into a berserk rage and probably kill you and everyone around you within a 10-mile radius. That's what happened to Xigbar's eye; doncha know. Axel is some kind of pyromaniacal sociopath with commitment issues. He also secretly pines for Roxas and Marluxia at the same time…and let me tell you, as his roommate, that boy has some of the most fucked up wet dreams I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. Demyx wears incompetence and superficiality like a suit of armor, because he's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. Luxord has a gambling problem because he fears stability and lack of change…oh, and - just between you and me - the accent is totally fake. Marluxia is just a fairy in every single respect. The thing with Axel? Nobody is really sure whether he hates him or is madly in love with him but I'm willing to bet it's a little of both, plus some repressed childhood issues. Hence, the obsession. Larxene is a girl. And as we both know, all females are just batshit and there are simply no explanations for it. Roxas is missing a huge chunk of his memory and he knows that we all know what his story is and he is royally pissed off that we won't tell him but he refuses to act royally pissed off because he thinks it will make him look childish and he's very sensitive about his age. As for me, well…I'm so defendant that I actively work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?"

Dr Burke gaped, "Holy cow, would you look at that wall of text? Keika-chan must be insane to think she can get away with that!"

Xaldin looked at him funny, "Um…what?"

Somewhere in the distance, the third wall crumbled and fell.

"Er…nothing. I think we're done here."


Card number 615.

"That one looks like…like…a blob of ink. Shaped like flowers."

Dr Burke kind of felt like crying.


"Hey dude."

Dr Burke could feel a headache coming on. Briefly he wondered what was for dinner before turning back to his totally tubular patient and his totally tubular iPatch. Of course that prompted a terrifying mental image of Saix in a Sailor Moon outfit going into one of his fits. Like, whoa.

"Hello Xigbar. Can I ask you something?"

"Dude, you can I guess…"

Dr. Burke smiled, "May I ask you something?"


"What's your situation with Demyx?"

"Hah, why? What did he tell you?"

"I'm afraid that due to patient confidentiality, I can't reveal-"

"Yeah I kinda expected that. But I'm sure he's probably told you what our situation is."

"So…are you maybe, interested in pursuing a relationship of some kind with him?"

Xigbar looked thoughtful, "Well dude, I dunno. I just really like some of the noises he makes."

"Ah. And, usually what's his response to the kind of …attention…you give him?"

"Well, 90 of the time he kicks me in the jimmies and runs away. The other 10 he goes a little crossed-eyed and faints." Xigbar grinned, "Totally cute."

Dr Burke frowned, "Doesn't that make you think he might not appreciate being touched like that? And furthermore, doesn't that hurt?"

Xigbar laughed, "He's totally askin' for it. Don't let him fool ya with the innocent act, he's a fuckin' tease. " He looked from side to side before leaning forward conspiratorially, "And of course it hurts, like a bitch. But after what happened to my eye," He tapped his iPatch, "It just doesn't like, bother me. Y'know what I mean?"

Dr Burke didn't, but he nodded anyway. Xigbar suddenly looked thoughtful and leaned back in his chair, "Dude, do you want to hear what really happened with Saix?"

"I would like that."

"Okay, well this is how it happened…"


"…Lame Brain Pete, Manipulation, Mah Jong, Matador, May I, Snoozer, Spades, Solitaire, Staeske Rape, Stealing Bundles, Strip Poker-"

"Okay!" Dr. Burke cut him off suddenly, "I think that's all the time we have today but I'm very pleased with how much ground we covered."

Luxord beamed.


Of the entire Organization, Xemnas was the one that Dr. Burke was most excited to see. From what he could tell, Xemnas seemed to be the leader of their little group and that interested him. He looked at the distinguished man sitting in front of him and was suddenly reminded of the long black coats they all wore.

"If you don't mind my asking, is that some kind of uniform?"

Xemnas looked surprised for a second, then gleeful. Which was very scary. Terrifying even.

"Why yes, yes it is. I designed it myself!"

"Oh, do you like designing clothes then?"

Xemnas nodded excitedly and launched into a tirade about how it was so hard to find uniforms for an Organization like his and the various things he'd tried before finding the right look.

"…I thought our uniform needed to represent something; something that says, "I'm here to destroy you," but with a sense of fun." Dr. Burke nodded and smiled, suddenly sorry that he'd brought this topic up and figuring he was never going to get the mental image of the whole Organization in assless-chaps out of his mind no matter how hard he purged.


"…and that's how I lost my eye, Saix got his scar, and Roxas came to have Sinistrophobia."


"Dude! Maybe next time I can tell you about the time that Axel had Tuberculosis!"

Dr. Burke ignored his second statement and merely stared at him in stunned silence for a moment before politely excusing himself to go lock himself in the Men's Room and cry; for of all the horrifying and appalling things he'd heard and witnessed in his many years, Xigbar's story had surely been the worst of all.


Much, much later and many painful mental images and rants later; he was finally standing in the lobby and seeing them all out. Dr. Burke couldn't help but feel a sense of anticipation mixed in with his profound relief. What he was dealing with here was quite possibly 10 of the most difficult cases in Psychiatric history. Things were only going to go downhill from here, and yet as worried for his sanity as he was, he couldn't help but feel achieved. He was eventually going to fix these people and help to make them productive members of society. These Thirteen misfits, lacking in sexual, mental and moral health would surely go on to become great contributors to the betterment of the human race! Speaking of Thirteen…

"It's a real shame Saix, Lexaeus and Vexen couldn't be here today. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Keika-Chan decided she would rather play World of Warcraft then commit to writing a decent story that IS CERTAINLY NOT FUNNY and has a good, well-thought out and original storyline for all of you people."

A keening wail of suffering sounded in the distance as the third wall started to give up on whatever shreds of life it was still holding onto. Demyx yelped and jumped but nobody could be sure whether it had to do with that, or Xigbar's suddenly very self-satisfied smirk.

The rest of the Organization stared blankly at Dr. Burke, obviously wondering if the good doctor was on some sort of prescription medication. Xemnas cocked an eyebrow, "Riiight. Well, Vexen is conducting a very important experiment and needed Saix and Lexaeus to stay behind to help with it. Rest assured they will be here next week for our appointment." He turned to nod at Roxas, who suddenly pointed over Dr. Burke's shoulder and yelled, "HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!"

Dr. Burke, of course, looked and saw nothing. However when he turned back to his patients, they were gone.

--------- MEANWHILE IN VEXEN'S LAB DODODO ----------

Lexaeus sighed. His stomach was really starting to hurt. Vexen obviously didn't care and plucked another item from the pile, froze it, and set it in front of him. Saix moaned in quiet agony from the corner; he'd already taken a lot more then Lexaeus and Vexen had begrudgingly allowed him a short break.

Sensing Lexaeus' hesitation, Vexen gave him a look that plainly said, "Do what you're here to do or I'll insert large spiked objects into your various orifices until you bleed to death."

Lexaeus ate the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

"Well?" said Vexen.

"No…No that still feels right."

Vexen tugged his hair in frustration and marked something down in his notes.

"I just don't understand it," He grumbled, "There simply must be a wrong way to eat a Reeses!"


A/N: Hey. Hi. Oh boy this is awkward…

Next chapter! The Organization helps out with parenting, Zexion completes his metamorphosis into an emo poster child, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE we'll find out how Namine got them all to agree to see a shrink. Possibly.