Disclaimer: I am Saint Valentine. The holiday is mine, damn it.But, Naruto and the others are not. However, soon...soon my loves...-rubs hands together evilly- Soon...MUWAHAHAHAHA -cough- -cough-
Warnings: You know, if you're reading one of my stories, then you should know what I write about by now, and if you've read the summery, same conclusion. (For the simpletons: Sasunaru, boy love and foul language)
Wow, this could be the latest Valentine's Day fic ever! Which is why I'm doin' it, damn it! I totally surprised you guys! I bet you didn't think I would put one up huh! But I did, and you never expected it did ya! Did ya! I'm the greatest! -runs away screaming-
My Funny Little Valentine
As almost everything with team seven does, it started with another fight between Sasuke and Naruto. This one had them rolling on the ground, forgetting all ninja training in favor of just trying to beat the other boy senseless. However, which boy would have won would forever be a mystery as a strong hand gripped the back of each boy's shirt, yanking them apart and turning them to face a gently smiling Kakashi.
"Boys...are you even aware what day is two days from now?"
The question caught both boys off guard because Sasuke had been expecting a scolding or at least a slightly angry tone, and Naruto had been expecting to be blamed for this fight like he was with everything involving the Uchiha bastard.
Sasuke, forgetting for the moment that they were in the middle of some twisted form of a reprimand from their teacher, reached out and smacked the back of Naruto's head.
"Idiot. It's Valentine's Day."
Naruto puffed out his cheeks and glared, hating Sasuke with everything he had, while he pouted at his inability to form a better comeback than a weak, "It's a Saturday, too, Teme."
Kakashi spoke, interrupting Sasuke's comeback. "Very good. Now, because Teamwork seems to be lacking lately, I think we should share the love in the team."
Behind him Sakura squealed as something that would probably have sickened Sasuke if he'd known what it was flashed through her mind. Naruto gave Kakashi an extremely confused look ,and Sasuke, trying not to think of what Sakura was imagining, glared.
"You three should give each other a Valentine, and not some dollar candy you grabbed on the way to training, but something special."
Catching on and pulling her mind from her Sasuke-centered thoughts, Sakura gave the back of Kakashi's head the same look Naruto had been giving the front a moment ago.
"Why the three of us? I get along with them both okay."
Kakashi glanced over his shoulder, "It's to get you involved. As it is I don't think these two even realize they have a third team member." The comment must have stung the girl more than he had meant for it to, as he quickly followed it up with a much more pleasant thought. "Besides, don't you want to give Sasuke something for the lover's holiday?"
Sakura blushed all the way to her neck as she lapsed back into her giggles. Naruto looked completely disgusted, a look shared by Sasuke. Kakashi grinned at the boys before releasing them, "Now remember, think 'nice.'"
The two boys shared a glare before stomping off in different directions.
Naruto sat on the bench, his finger tapping against his lips, as he thought. He'd already bought Sakura-chan a gift. She was easy; just some candy and flowers and most girls were happy. At least that's what Ino told him, but he had a sneaking suspicion she was just trying to sell her flowers. However...Sasuke was more difficult. He knew from past conversations that the Uchiha didn't like sweet things. In fact, he was sure the boy lived off sushi and hair spray fumes alone. As for flowers or stuffed animals, those were out of the question. During this holiday one would see the Uchiha throw away boxes of the wilting lilies, carnations and roses mixed with the plush head of a dog or cat holding a heart or singing a corny song.
Naruto had considered getting the boy a Valentine's card. Nothing great, just one with one of those dorky slogans on it like "You're the cats meow" with a cat on it or "I cho-cho-cho-chose you" with a grinning train. The only problem with that idea was he didn't know what to write in it. He didn't know a lot of impressive words like Sasuke and wasn't about to go show the Uchiha first-hand just how illiterate he was.
However, Naruto had been sitting on the bench for the better part of the day trying to decide what to get the asshole, nothing was coming to mind and the best idea he'd had was the card. Well...he could always go learn some new words to use...Naruto grinned as he headed toward the nearest group of more-or-less smart-looking adults he could find.
A pale form wove its way through the busy streets of Konoha, his eyes hurting from the vast array of pink and red that was spread throughout the town. Pale white eyes were glazed over, his mind wandering as his feet led him along a wandering path with no real destination. Hyuuga Neji was bored, incredibly bored; he had nothing to do. He'd already done more than enough training today--sparing with both Lee and TenTen, then practicing on his own and with his uncle. He'd debated if he wanted to go bother Uchiha, but Sasuke always got really touchy around Valentine's Day, which probably had something to with his fan club going insane every time he stepped outside.
He'd finally chosen to go for a walk, if for no other reason then to get out of the house where Hanabi-sama was always staring at him...she was a very creepy child. So to alleviate his boredom, he had decided to seek out Naruto. The boy interested him. He was so loud, obnoxious and a bit of an idiot, and yet one of the most innocent people he knew, including Hinata-sama. It also helped that Naruto was adorable. Not that Neji liked guys...probably...he just realized a cute look when he saw one.
Thankfully. he didn't have to search long as he soon found the blonde standing near a group of men who were looking a bit drunk, apparently eavesdropping. He smirked, walking up behind the preoccupied boy and waiting quietly an inch behind him. It took maybe a full minute for the blonde to feel his presence, and once he did the blonde spun on his heels, bumping into Neji's chest then cursing and ending up on the ground, glaring up at him. He smiled, offering the boy a hand up which he grudgingly accepted.
The shorter boy nodded, "Hey, Neji." Naruto dusted off his pants for a moment before he froze and slowly looked up at Neji, his eyes almost glowing with an evil excitement...'This can't be good.' "Neji...you're a genius...right?"
The boy lifted an eyebrow, "Some would say that, though the opinion is not unanimous. Why?"
Naruto grabbed his hand. "Want to grab some ramen with me!"
Without waiting for an answer, the smaller boy tugged his arm, nearly pulling it out of the socket in his rush to get Neji to the blonde's usual stand. He was all but dropped into a stool, and then Naruto was taking the one beside him before ordering two bowls of chicken ramen. He waited for an explanation, but Naruto remained silent, kicking his feet with the occasional thump against the counter in front of them as toe connected with wood. Their food arrived and Naruto almost sang "Itadakimasu!" as he began to dig into his bowl, Neji staring at his for a moment before deciding to enjoy his as well. Though far from his favorite food, ramen wasn't that bad.
They ate in silence as well, Neji getting more and more unnerved with the boy's strangely quiet behavior. Well, quiet if you don't count the insanely loud slurping noises and gulps then the slam of the empty bowl down on the counter followed by a happy "Bwah!" Finally it appeared that Naruto was ready to talk--the boy turned in his seat to face him and smiled.
"I need your help."
Neji paused, then said tentatively, "With what?"
"Well, I have been trying to learn some new words so I can write Sa-...write a Valentine, so I got the words I want to use, but now I need to know what they mean. You're a really smart guy, so I figured you would know."
Neji took a second to wonder who the Valentine was for that he wanted to impress so badly, and he couldn't help feeling a little jealous. After all, Naruto was cute. Fighting against the urge to refuse to help, Neji nodded and forced a smile.
"Okay. So what are the words you need help with?"
The boy grinned, getting a look of careful concentration, probably wanting to remember every definition as it was given. "Okay, the first word was 'boner'."
Had Neji not been an expert at facial expressions, he probably would be staring at Naruto with nothing short of shock partly from hearing such profanity coming from such an angelic mouth, and partly from the sheer fascination that someone their age didn't know what a boner was. He knew Naruto wasn't the brightest crayon in the box but...seriously?
The Hyuuga mentally shook himself and locked his gaze on the boy again. "Sorry, what was that?" He'd heard perfectly but...maybe he'd been wrong?
"'Boner'. I've heard the word before from like Kiba and Kankuro, but never really knew what it was. So, you do know, right?"
Neji paused only for a second before deciding if Naruto was going to be unpurified, he sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to do it. He would lie.
"Yes. It's a really bad headache."
A perfect lie, excellently executed, and no one save another Hyuuga could tell from looking at him that he'd just told a complete fib. Naruto paused for a moment, thinking on the definition before smiling. He'd accepted it.
"Good! Thanks! Next is 'Blow Job.' Now I kind of know what that one means 'cause the guy said he got such a good 'Blow Job' that his knees were shaking for days, so I bet that means he got his ass kicked, like a beating or something, huh!"
Neji started to shake his head before he stopped and smiled, "Yes, that's correct...are we done now?"
He started to stand, but Naruto grabbed his arm and stopped him. "No way! I still have, like, three more!"
Now that he'd asked two Neji had a good idea what the others would be like and wasn't looking forward to it...but three?...He sighed and sat back on his stool, crossing his arms and praying to whatever god for the strength to keep the blushing at bay and make a calm exit while damning whoever he'd heard the embarrassing lingo from. This was more entertainment than he could handle.
"Okay, next two are 'Rim Job' and...damn...ummm... 'Horizontal Hustle,' I think."
Neji wanted to bang his head against the counter and blame insanity for ever making him seek out the up-until-recently "innocent" blonde. These questions were making him completely uneasy. Worse yet, he had no lies for those two! He glanced around and looked for anything that could give him ideas. There was a vender selling fruits across the street, a man walking with his hands full, a woman and her kids. As the kid bumped into the man and made him spill his things, Neji got it.
"A Rim Rob is a heart-felt apology."
Naruto mumbled it under his breath and nodded, trying to remember. "Okay, and the other one?"
Easy. "A taijutsu move."
Naruto blinked. "Really? Is it a good one?"
Neji smirked, unable to stop himself. "Definitely."
The blonde nodded. "Okay, and the last one is 'Jerking Off."
Thank Kami-sama, the last one. Neji stood, prepared for his swift getaway to go wallow in his lost mental picture of a perfectly pure Naruto and try to hide from mental images of the new ero-Naruto. "Yeah...that means...hanging out with friends...anyway, I have to go. I'll pay for the ramen this time. Good-bye, Naruto"
"B-..." The Hyuuga was already gone, fighting a bloody nose, as he raced for the protection of his boring house and creepy cousin.
"Okay! Glad to see I don't have to hunt any of you down."
"Oi...Kakashi-sensei...Why is Iruka-sensei here?"
Their teacher grinned behind his mask, making it obvious to them, even with the mask on, that he was winking as he leaned in. "Don't think you three are the only ones I have plans with today."
Iruka glared at the back of the man's head, and Sasuke smirked, relieved to see their teacher would be getting his thanks to his bad habit of pissing off his fellow teacher and boyfriend. Kakashi stood again, Iruka giving him one last glare, before smiling at the students, his teacher-mode kicking in instantly.
"Okay, Sakura, you can go first."
The girl nodded and stood bouncing over to Naruto and smiling at him before tossing him a small box with a card then turning to Sasuke. Oh, the look in her eyes! The Uchiha could only compare it to a hungry lioness looking at a fat, helpless meal. He sighed, having already prepared himself for this that morning when he'd thrown out all his other Valentines from his admirers. This girl had some serious issues.
She handed him a large, stuffed cat holding a heart in its mouth with the cursive words "be mine" embroidered on it and a box of chocolates strapped to its back.
If someone actually tried, he wasn't that hard to please when it came to gifts-- kunai or maybe a new weapon's pouch and he would be happy. But no! No, these brainless morons had to give him...this...this crap! Where in the hell was he going to keep that! Right next to his Hello Kitty alarm clock and Little Orphan Annie lunch box! He was tempted to slap it from her hands and shout, but he knew the excuse that he always got grouchy around this day would still not make that reaction okay. Instead, he took it, nodding and put it on the stump he'd been sitting on while they had waited for their teacher that morning.
Sakura blushed and giggled but was saved by a verbal whiplash by Kakashi. "Okay...Sasuke, you go next!" The man leaned over to Iruka, grinning as he whispered, "This is fun, ne?"
He got a smack to the back of the head for the comment, and Sasuke rolled his eyes before taking out the two boxes of chocolates he had bought and tossing them at his teammates. He smirked as Kakashi frowned but didn't say shit. Sasuke didn't by cheap candy. It was the good stuff, wrapped in a fancy box and topped with a bow, etc. Simple and effective. To be honest, he'd been incredibly tempted to get Naruto a lacy nightie thing with the words "Hot Shit" written across the butt, however he knew Naruto wouldn't catch even that obvious of a hint. It had been years that they'd been on a team together, Sasuke giving Naruto help training, sparring only with Naruto and even giving the boy cute, little nicknames. But for all his efforts, the boy was oblivious to his affection.
"Okay, last is Naruto. Then you can go."
The blonde stood and smiled. Marching over to Sakura with his hands behind his back, he pulled out a heart-shaped box with a rose on top. She was nice about it and accepted it, making Sasuke wish he could lock her away and lose the key...in fact, the idea was tempting. Breaking his satisfying train of thought, Naruto marched up to Sasuke, a smile/smirk on his face as he handed Sasuke a card; nothing with it, just a plain red envelope. Sasuke gave him a suspicious look before opening it and taking out a card with a chubby naked baby toting a bow and arrow and a heart reading "Happy Valentines Day." He rolled his eyes but opened it and began to read.
I don't want any kind of misunderstandings because I was forced to give you this, so I'll tell you exactly how I feel.
You give me such a boner. Honestly, it's like the moment I see you it just pops up. You're always so mean and constantly picking fights with me, sometimes I just want to give you such a blow job. And I can too! I give really good blow jobs! Ask Kiba, Neji, or Gaara. At the Chuunin exam I gave them all the blow jobs of their life! I mean, it was great, fist to mouth, and all they got out was a grunt before it was all over. I don't think you saw because you were gone when I was with Neji and Kiba, and you were too far away when I was with Gaara.
Anyways Teme, I might go easy on you, but under one condition: I demand a rim job. Not just any rim job either, a really, really good one. I mean on your knees in front of all of Konoha! I want you to give me a rim job like you mean it, damn it! If you do, I may or may not give you a blow job. Then we could practice the Horizontal Hustle and maybe jerk off together, ya know?
Well anyways, Happy Valentine's Day, Teme.
Naruto grinned as he saw Sasuke's face go pale. 'Damn straight!' However, his smile faltered a little when he saw Sasuke put a hand to his nose to stem the crimson flow. It all happened really fast. Sasuke was staring wide-eyed at the card and didn't even look like he was breathing. Curiosity overwhelming them, Iruka and Kakashi read over Sasuke's shoulders, Iruka becoming beat red and Kakashi blinking in shock before he got hit over his head by the brunette who started shouting.
"You've corrupted him! I knew they shouldn't have let a pervert like you teach! What have you done!"
"Ouch! Why blame me! I wasn't even mentioned! Ouch!"
Sakura, who had just finished reading the card that was grasped in a shaking Uchiha's hand, let out a wail fit for any opera house and threw Sasuke's Valentine at the blonde who was incredibly confused...was he too hard on him or something?
"Narutooo! How could you! I thought we were friends!"
The girl ran off, angry tears in her eyes, as she shouted about hating him. However, he had no time to react as he was suddenly lifted over a shoulder. His face was met with blue fabric, and he cursed, shouting over his shoulder and over Iruka's angry cursing.
"Wh-what the hell! Put me down! What are you doing, Teme!"
Sasuke raced onward, leaving a grinning and laughing Kakashi to handle his boyfriend, who was fuming at the silver-haired man's reaction to his anger. "We're going to your house."
"It's closer than mine."
Naruto frowned, knotting the boy's shirt in his hands as he shouted at him. "That doesn't answer a damn thing, asshole!"
Sasuke ignored him and continued towards his apartment.
Okay, I know what you're going to say. It's late and I am sorry, really sorry. You see, I had the flu and I think my writing sucks when I am sick (for proof, read above story). I was going to wait until I was all better to write this and get it posted, but I didn't want to wait too long and I wasn't showing any signs of feeling better. So I figured I would get it written and post it anyways. -shrugz-