Title: The Fundamentals of
Fandom: Final Fantasy X
Rating: C, for CRACK.
Word Count: 3,329
Feedback: All reviews, squees, and concrit are hugged close to Renay's heart.
Author's Notes: For the bad!fic summary challenge on my livejournal: I was assigned firefly99's bad!fic summary: I've always loved the Seymour/Kimahri thing, so I'm writing it - DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE SLASH although I genderswapped Kimahri so technically it isn't slash. Kimahri becomes a hot human girl thanks to a magical sphere and Seymour falls in love. To FFX fans everywhere: I am so very, very sorry, especially because I left a huge opening to do a sequel if I don't keel over from amusement after this one. Ahahaha.
The Fundamentals of Purring
The group standing around outside the Farplane was small, talking quietly among themselves. It could have been any group of travelers, come to visit their memories in the Farplane, but the group was anything but calm and serene. Even the girl, the way she dressed and held herself that remarked on her status as a summoner, looked distressed.
"What do you mean, it was a trap?" Yuna asked, looking in turns at all of her guardians.
"I believe Seymour left the sphere for you to find to make you fall in love with him," Lulu commented, the most unconcerned of the entire group.
"It didn't go as planned, I guess?" Tidus asked.
"Oh, you think?" Wakka asked. "Did you see him—um—her? What do we call it now?"
"Not it," Yuna said, glaring as well as she could. She was torn between amused and horrified. "It's still Kimahri! We have to be supportive."
"Being supportive means going to their wedding," Rikku said sarcastically. She was fiddling with the sphere that Yuna had almost grabbed upon their exit from the Farplane. "This thing is nuts! I don't even understand it. I thought Yevon banned these things, anyway."
"They did," Lulu said, "we just saw why."
Everyone turned to look down the stairs to where Seymour and a flurry of his attendants had surrounded Kimahri after he had tumbled down the stairs after grabbing the sphere away from Yuna's outstretched hand. He had gone for a fast roll down the stairs and when he landed, he was gone, transformed, and very, very naked.
"It seems it got Maester Seymour, too," Wakka said. "He was just fawning all over Yuna and now he's making eyes at Kimahri! What do we do?"
"Is there anything to do?" Auron questioned Lulu, who knew the most about the magical spheres.
"Kimahri's transformation may or may not be permanent," Lulu said. "It depends completely upon the strength of the spell and now that the sphere has been activated, we won't know."
"So in other words, we have to wait?" Tidus asked. He sounded cheerful at the prospect.
"Yes! Waiting is a great idea!" Rikku piped up.
"We should stay," Lulu said. "It could wear off soon, but I'm afraid if it takes more than two days, we might have a problem."
"So we just hang out here?" Wakka asked. "I mean, he—she won't even talk to us!"
"It appears the sphere changed Kimahri's appearance as well as altered his memories," Lulu mused. "An odd reaction, but these spheres were never meant for use on anyone but humans."
"Will he be safe?" Tidus asked, sounding a little uncertain.
As they watched Seymour bundle Kimahri into blankets, the group of Guado started leading their group away from the summoner and her guardians.
"Of course," Yuna replied, as if it was a silly question. "I'll go speak to Seymour and make sure he treats Kimahri with respect."
"Good luck, "Wakka muttered. At Auron's look, he shrugged. As Yuna walked off, he muttered, "Everyone acts like they didn't see the size of her—"
"Wakka!" Rikku and Tidus said in unison and with that and the guardians followed Yuna down the stairs, away from the Farplane.
Everything here was so strange, familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. It was a little damp, the air thick, and even that was somehow recognizable, except it couldn't be, because she had forgotten—hadn't she? It tickled in her head, dancing around like a demented butterfly, and she thought if she could just catch it, she would know, and remember.
"Would you like anything to eat?"
She looked up at the man who had helped her to her feet when she first awoke. His eyes were kind, even if he himself was sort of strange. She didn't want to be rude, though, and stare.
That was another strange thought, and she kept having them the longer she was awake, motions and words that made sense, but she didn't remember how. The blanket she wore around her shoulders was scratchy, and it had been an idle thought that had skittered across her mind when it was placed around it that she didn't like blankets like this.
"I'm not hungry," she said, "thank you." She hoped that was polite enough. She didn't want to be bad at it, because she had apparently offended another man so much that his eyes had been full of water—yet another odd knowledge—because that man had also been strange, had touched her and acted like he knew her.
She was freezing and there were rocks stabbing her feet.
The man still with her was leading her down a corridor, alone. The others had all gone, and that was for the best because she hadn't liked the smell of them, anyway. She blinked a little, and knew that was wrong. Smell?
"May I ask a question?" she asked. The man—he had said his name was Seymour—smiled slightly and nodded, and simply continued leading her down the hall. She paused a moment and then asked, "What is my name?"
They slowed a little, and he looked uncertain. "You do not recall?"
"No," she said, and she was sad.
He stopped and placed his hands on her shoulders. She was short, so short, and the world was so different down here, and he towered over her. She didn't want to say anything, but his hair scared her a little. She looked up at him as he spoke.
"Your name is Kimahri," he said. "You are—" he smiled then, and brushed a hand over her hair, the wispy blue strands tickling her neck as he did. "You are Kimahri and you are very beautiful."
"Thank you," she said, and it seemed the polite thing to say. It gave her a funny feeling, the way he looked at her, but of course, it would make sense with his relationship to her, that he had just explained a few moments ago. "Do we know each other very well?" She couldn't read his face at all, and that felt unfair, but she couldn't say why. She felt she should know why he suddenly looked so strange, and maybe not as nice as he had in the previous time she had spent with him.
"We do know each other," he said, and paused a moment, looking around. "We know each other very well, Kimahri."
And the way his voice changed made her a little nervous, but it was a warm feeling—he wasn't scary—not like his hair—like the other strange men had been. She took a deep breath as they continued down the hallway and into a room that was unlike anything she had ever seen before, rich colors and shiny things everywhere. She took it all in, eyes wide; because she didn't think she had ever seen a room this amazing.
"You like it?" he asked. "If you do, you may stay here."
"It is very pretty," she said, and walked farther in the room, the rugs under her feet soft. "Is this my room?" He smiled and it was sly. She stepped away from him a little.
"If you wish, it can be our room, Kimahri," and his voice was soft, softer than it had been before, and that feeling was back, strange and swirling in her stomach. She felt twitchy and odd, like there was something she was missing, but they had told her, hadn't they? She had had an accident, had fallen and hit her head, and they were so glad she was all right. But it had felt wrong, off, because what did it mean, consort of the Lord Seymour? It didn't connect with her at all. But she couldn't say it, she obviously belonged here, they wouldn't tell her so otherwise.
She could only hope her memories returned soon.
"If it...pleases you," she said slowly, because she couldn't be rude, she may have forgotten her name and her entire life, but this was her betrothed and she had to try her best to not upset him until she could remember him.
"It does please me," Seymour murmured, and then he was coming toward her, long fingers stroking through her hair, around her neck as his other hand slid around her hip. That feeling was back again, the one saying run warring with another that said stay, because he was pretty and he had been nothing but kind, and he, of course, must love her in some way if they were betrothed. His lips were inches from hers, their eyes on one another, when there was a soft tapping at the door he had closed after they entered. He frowned and then sighed.
"I apologize," he whispered. "Let me advise that we shouldn't be disturbed?" He looked so sincere, she couldn't help but nod. She knew he probably had been worried when she had hurt herself and wanted them to spend some quiet time together. He let her go and turned back toward the door. She took the time he was away, cracking the door open just so to murmur in quiet voices with the person on the other side, to look around the room. As she browsed, drawing to the table beside the large bed draped in rich blues and greens, she could see that there were touches of different cultures everywhere, in the art. She couldn't see anything that might belong to her. She wondered what sort of interests she had.
"...be respectful to him, please, Maester Seymour."
"You have my word, Lady Yuna."
She turned as the door closed, still holding the blanket tightly around her, still feeling entirely too cold. "Who was that?"
"The summoner that is passing through Guadosalam," Seymour replied smoothly. "She wished to express concern over you and wish you well."
"She wanted you to be respectful of someone?" she asked. "Were you disrespectful?" She realized too late it might not be the best question to ask. Seymour was silent for a moment and then he smiled.
"She was talking about one of her guardians, of course," he explained. "I am afraid I might have been a bit abrupt with him, when he grabbed you so violently and scared you when you first awoke."
The man with the watery eyes—concerned eyes, she realized now—really had scared her. He had been strange, pawing and gawking at her and she didn't like to be touched like that. She shook her head as Seymour made his way back to her. "He did not mean harm, I think. I...overreacted?"
"You were confused," Seymour said gently, returning his hands to her, stroking gently. "Now, where were we?"
She shook a little as he pressed her against him again, and it was a rush of heat to her face as he kissed her, and it was warm and wet and somehow off, like she didn't remember what to do, but it didn't make any sense, because they would have done this before. She pressed her hands against his chest and pushed a little, relieved when he backed away easily. He smiled and she returned it carefully, wanting to wipe her lips but unsure if that was polite or not.
"Where are my clothes?" she asked, and it sounded not right to say that, but everyone else had them but her, and she didn't understand why she would have been running down stairs naked, anyway, except that it didn't seem that odd to her, upon thinking about it closely.
Seymour blinked at her and looked down, his eyes cloudy. "I'm not sure. My love, does it matter? You're safe, and I am grateful."
She faltered a bit. His voice was so comforting, and, well, they were betrothed—he wouldn't lie to her. She took a deep breath, and smiled. "You're right. I'm glad I wasn't hurt."
It was sort of easy to allow him to press her back against him, and to tentatively put her arms around him, as long as she ignored the tickle that had been dancing in her brain since she had woken up on the hard ground, confused and disoriented. She was with someone who cared about her, clearly, and that could be enough until her memories returned. They did a slow shuffle toward the bed, and she felt awkward and like she didn't fit in her body as Seymour pressed her arms above her head.
"You are so beautiful," he murmured, and he kissed her again, and it was better this time, smoother, and it was less of a struggle with herself to wrap her arms around Seymour and toss her concerns away.
Wakka couldn't handle it at all—the look Kimahri had given him, smooth skin under his hand, so different than the fur he felt when training with the Ronso. It wasn't—he couldn't handle it, the noise that had come out of his—her mouth, or the look in her eyes. Eyes that had been the same, so similar to the eyes he looked into everyday. He was so angry at Seymour but he was still a maester and he had gotten what he deserved in the end, anyway. His plan had totally backfired. He didn't plan on letting Yuna anywhere near him alone for a long time.
He had only been planning to find out where they were letting Kimahri stay, to check on his fellow guardian. He hadn't meant to get angry when the Guado attendant stuttered and directed he, Rikku and Tidus toward the corridor Wakka knew housed Seymour's quarters. He had stormed out of the room, Tidus and Rikku both making the same frantic noises trying to slow him down.
"Wakka, wait man! Isn't he still a maester? You can't go barging into his room!"
"He gave Yuna his word, yeah?" Wakka demanded as they caught up to him. He didn't slow his determined walk down the hallway. "His word! And Kimahri's with him?"
"Maybe Kimahri was just lonely!" Rikku offered. "Wait, no, what am I saying? He was going to trick Yunie! He's a total slimeball!"
Wakka grinned down at her, happy to have an accomplice. "I don't trust him, either."
Tidus shrugged as they reached the ornate door at the end of the hall. "I can already hear Lulu lecturing us."
"I can handle Lu," Wakka assured him. He raised his hand and knocked and tried to not bang like he wanted to, and waited. He knocked again, patiently, even though he was itchy for the door to open now.
"Oh, give me a break!" Rikku said, and put her hand on the handle to the door.
"Maybe you shouldn't—!" Tidus tried to stop her, but it was too late and the door was swinging open silently, and they all had to admire the fact that it didn't squeak at all, granted that if it had, it would've woken the couple in the bed.
Wakka stared, Rikku snorted and then made various choking noises and Tidus gave a low whistle and said, "Well, at least it wore off?"
Rikku snorted again and then hid behind Wakka, burying her face between his arm and side to muffle her laughter. It tickled and Wakka kept twitching with it as he gawked at the scene in front of him. He couldn't even blink, he was so shocked.
"Is Seymour naked?" Rikku managed to spit out. "Oh, god, my eyes!"
"I'd be more concerned with the fact that Kimahri is purring," Tidus pointed out, even if his face was bright red, matching Wakka's and Rikku's.
"Purring?" Rikku asked, actually peeking around between them. "I didn't know he could purr!"
"I think it's because Seymour is sort of petting him," Wakka said, and his voice cracked a little, and he needed to leave soon, because he wanted to laugh and cry and then laugh again after he finished crying. He had seen a maester naked. Naked.
"We should probably, um, go," Tidus muttered. "Yuna will know what to do."
"What's she going to say?" Rikku hissed. "How dare you have sex with my guardian while he's got huge boobs and no memory?"
Wakka suddenly felt sick. "Sex?"
Rikku gave him a withering glare. "Hello? Naked maester right over there! Did you see the way he scooped Kimahri up yesterday? They so did it."
"I'm not hearing this," Tidus said. He covered his ears with his hands and stared at the bed in front of him, blinking.
They all jumped as the couple moved, frozen to their spot in the doorway. Rikku's grip on his bicep didn't need to be quite that hard, Wakka thought, but then it didn't matter because Kimahri was sitting straight up, fast, making Seymour roll to the side and almost off the bed, and he was the same huge, bulky Ronso Wakka had seen every day for years, looking around him, confused but on guard, and it made Wakka breath a little easier.
"Uh. Hey man," Tidus said awkwardly. "How are you?"
"Kimahri in strange place," Kimahri said, sounding a little hoarse.
Rikku was making strange sounds beside him so Wakka nudged her. "Stop that."
"I—oh my—you're a boy, just look at his fur!" Rikku cried, and then she was off, back down the hall and away from the scene.
Tidus stared after her. "What did she mean?"
Wakka just flushed as he looked at the clumped patches in Kimahri's fur and he wasn't saying anything. Ever. He was going to his grave with this piece of knowledge. He shook his head quickly as Seymour sat up, looked around at them and then at Kimahri and asked, maester-trained polite, "May I ask why three of Lady Yuna's guardians are in my quarters?"
"Kimahri seems fine!" Yuna announced a few hours later, coming into the quarters the group had shared. "He doesn't remember anything other than grabbing the sphere away. Maybe that's for the best."
Kimahri had been cleaned up, and he stood at Yuna's side the same as always, looking fierce and extremely well-groomed.
"Lucky him," Rikku muttered. Tidus kicked her in the foot, glaring. He still looked a little woozy now that Kimahri was back in the room, and Wakka thought Kimahri was lucky. Tidus had figured out what Rikku had meant halfway down the hall, with Kimahri leaning on him for support. Poor Kimahri had been dizzy and had had trouble walking, and his first demand had been to see Yuna. Tidus had almost sent the three of them smashing into the ground with his coughing fit.
"What do you mean?" Yuna asked.
"Seymour's room is gaudy," Wakka said quickly. "Maesters shouldn't live like that." Yuna seemed to buy it, but Lulu was giving him the eye. Well, even if she knew he was lying, she was never getting the truth out of him. Never.
"You shouldn't have gone in there, anyway!" Yuna chastened. Wakka didn't know why Kimahri wasn't telling Yuna where they had found him, but he wasn't going to question it. No way. He was going to let this one go. He did not want to think about Seymour having any sort of relationship with Kimahri, fur or no fur—and the thought made him shiver, so he shoved it away to listen to Auron talk about leaving as soon as possible.
"Yes!" Rikku said. "Time to go, great idea, are we leaving now?" She was up and bouncing and didn't seem to care everyone was looking at her oddly, especially Yuna.
"Never thought I would see you excited to see the Thunder Plains," Yuna commented.
"I don't think a shock from the lightening bolt is going to scare her after this morning," Tidus muttered to Wakka, and they both gave each other wide-eyed looks of horror behind the backs of the others. Then the guardians and their summoner left the room, off to continue on their pilgrimage.