Author's Note: It's been a while since I did a parody. I've wanted to do this one for a long time, but I didn't own Hercules. Until now! Now I can memorize it and parody it. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first person to notice that Meg is a lot like Mai. So, obviously, Mai is going to be Meg, and therefore, Joey will be Hercules. Also, very important, it's been rumored that Joey's past life was a friend of the pharaoh, named Jono or something. That ought to explain what you're about to read.

Disclaimer: I don't own YGO or Hercules.

G

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Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Egypt, there was a golden age of powerful sorcerers and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes were the pharaoh Atem and his friend, Jono. But what is the measure of a true hero? Well, that is what our story is-

"Will you listen to her? She's making this story sound like some fan-fiction tragedy!" (A/N: Yes, I know in the movie the narrator is a man. But I'm telling this story and I'm a girl.)

"Lighten up, girl!"

"We'll take it from here, darling!"

You go, girls.

"We are the harpies; torturers of men, and proclaim-ers of heroes!"

"Heroes like Joey Wheeler!"

"Honey, you mean WOW-ler! Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with-"

"OUR STORY, actually begins long before Joey, many eons ago…

"OH YEAH!

Back when the world was new

The planet Earth was down on its luck

And everywhere gigantic Shadow monsters ran amuck!

It was a nasty place! There was a mess wherever you stepped.

Where chaos reigned and dragons and said monsters never slept!

"WOO! SAY IT GIRLFRIEND!"

"And then came Atem!"

He used his shadow powers

"He zapped!"

Sealed those monsters in stone

"They're trapped!"

And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks!

And that's the gospel truth!

The guy was too type 'A' to just

RELAAAAAAAX!

And as the world first did!

"Yeah, baby."

He saved the globe while still in his youth.

Though honey, it may seem imposs'ble,

That's the gospel truth!

The land of Egypt: life was neat

And smooth and sweet

And cool!

Ahh…!

Though honey, it may seem imposs'ble

That's the gospel

Truth!

Ah!

Oh…

Ahh!

Oh…

AAHH!

AAAHHH!"

-----------------------------------------------Yu-Gi-Oh! Does Hercules----------------------------------------------------

(SKIP AHEAD TO PRESENT DAY (present as in when Joey would have been a baby) IN THE PHARAOH'S MEMORY WORLD DIMESION)

In a dimension parallel to ours, there lives the spirit of the pharaoh, Atem, and his loyal subjects. Atem and his queen, Isis, were celebrating the birth of baby Jono. He was fiddling with her headband. "Jono," she chuckled. "behave yourself!"

"Look," said Atem, coming to observe Jono in his crib. "Look how cute he is…" he made a silly face to amuse the child. Jono was staring in fascination at the dozens of stone tablets around him that depicted Duel Monsters. "He likes Duel Monsters, like me," said Atem.

Shimon, the pharaoh's messenger, delivered a bouquet of flowers to Isis. "Coming through! One side, Karim," he said.

"Why Shimon," she said. "they're lovely!"

"Yeah, you know, I had Mana do the arrangement, isn't that too nutty?" Addressing the pharaoh now, he said, "Fabulous party, you know I haven't seen this much love in a room since Seto discovered himself!" (A/N: Get it? 'cause Seto's really self-absorbed?)

Isis noticed Jono chewing on Atem's Millennium Puzzle. "Dear," she said. "keep that away from the baby."

"Oh, he won't hurt himself," said Atem. "let the kid have a little fun." Jono however, bit a little too hard, and got a surge of Shadow Magic. Upset, he tossed the puzzle aside with an angry cry.

"On behalf of this child," said Atem. "I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts!"

"What about our gift, dear?" asked Isis. Suddenly, Atem remembered he'd summoned a special monster just for Jono. A winged horse.

"Hmm, yes…a little Shadow Magic…and…a touch of light…and a dash of the sense of friendship…" Jono touched a stone tablet, and out popped a baby winged-horse. "His name is Copernicus. And he's all yours."

Copernicus licked the baby, and Jono whimpered in fear. Soon, he butted heads with the horse, and hugged him in acceptance. Everyone else just went, "Awwww!"

"Mind his head," said Isis as she handed the baby to Atem.

"He's so tiny," said Atem. "My protégé. My little…Jono."

"How sentimental," came a dark and chilling voice. Everyone turned to see Dartz, the dismal ruler of the lost souls of the Orichalchos, standing in the shadows. "You know I haven't been this…CHOKED UP since I got a hunk of SASHIMI caught in my throat! HAH!" No one laughed. "So is this an audience or a wall of hieroglyphics?" he added sarcastically. "Hey, how you doing?" he said to someone. "Looking good. Nice dress."

"So Dartz, you finally made it," said Atem, putting his arm around the green-haired man. "How are things in Atlantis?"

Dartz carefully dropped Atem's hand from his shoulder. "Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people! What are you going to do? Oh! There's the little sun-spot!" he said, bending down to look at Jono. "Little snoochie! And here…is a sucker for the little sucker! Ah, there ya go, kid…" he was about to place a pointy object in the baby's mouth when Jono grabbed Dartz's finger and squeezed. "AGH!"

Jono giggled like the stupid baby he was.

"Eh…powerful…little tyke…" mumbled Dartz.

"Come on, Dartz, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration!" said Atem.

"Hey, love to, babe," said Dartz. "But unlike you sorcerers lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Atem, so…can't. Love to, but can't." (A/N: I know Dartz has been around longer than the pharaoh, but just work with me, OK?)

"You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death!" said Atem. Then, realizing he'd made a good joke, he repeated it. "Ha! Work yourself to death! Ah ha ha!" Everyone laughed as the pharaoh fell down into his throne, pounding the armrest with his fist. "I kill myself!"

"Oh, if only…" Dartz muttered under his breath. "If only…"

"If there's one sorcerer you don't want to get steamed up, it's Dartz."

" 'cause he had an evil plan…

"He ran the underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth.

He was as mean as he was ruthless

And that's the gospel truth.

He had a plan to shake things up

And that's the gospel truth!"

Back at his lair, in Atlantis, Dartz beckoned his minions, whom had been transported to his dimension from theirs. He could summon them and send them back as he pleased. "REX!"

A badly-dressed teenage boy in a red sock-hat came bumbling down the stairs. "Coming, your most bi-colored eye-ness!" (A/N: Bi-colored: Dartz has one yellow eye and one green eye.)

"WEEVIL!"

A smaller teenage boy with light-blue hair and big yellow glasses followed. "Oh! I'm sorry!" he stuttered. "I can handle it!" In his ramblings and craziness, he tripped and knocked down Rex, and together, they fell down the stairs. Dartz rolled his eyes at their incompetence.

"Rex…" said Rex.

"…and Weevil:" added Weevil.

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" they said in unison.

"Fine, fine, fine," said Dartz. "Just let me know the instant the Ishtars arrive."

"Oh! They're here!" said Weevil.

"WHAT! THE ISHTARS ARE HERE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?" screamed Dartz.

Weevil and Rex did their best to grovel. "We are worms!" they moaned. "Worthless worms!"

"Memo to me. MEMO TO ME: Maim you after my meeting!" said Dartz, rubbing his temple.

The Ishtars were three mystical siblings from the same dimension as Weevil and Rex. Odion, the oldest, Ishizu, the future incarnation of Isis herself, and Marik, the youngest brother. They were having fun sending their Orichalchos soldiers out to steal people's souls.

"Dear," said Ishizu to her brothers. "Hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight!" With a snip of her scissors, there was a scream and in came a new soul. "Incoming!" The poor woman's soul floated in and onto her permanent place on the wall.

Dartz watched dejectedly, and then turned to his clients. "Ishtars, so sorry that I'm-"

"Late!" they all said.

"We knew you would be!" said Odion.

"We know everything!" added Marik.

"Past," said Odion.

"Present," said Marik.

"And future!" finished Ishizu. Elbowing Weevil in the side, she whispered, "Indoor plumbing. It's going to be big!"

"Great. Great. anyway," continued Dartz. "See, Ishtars, I was at this party and I lost track of time…"

"We know!" they bragged.

"Yeah-- I know…you know. So, here's the deal: Atem. 'Mr. High and Mighty,' 'Mr. "Hey-you-get-off-of-my-sand."' Now he has a--"

"Bouncing baby brat! WE KNOW!"

"I KNOW YOU KNOW! I know! I got it! I got the concept! So, let me just ask, is this kid going to mess up my hostile takeover bid or what, what do you think?"

"Well…" started Marik.

"Oh no you don't, we're not supposed to reveal the future!" said Odion.

Dartz hadn't brought these three through a dimensional portal for nothing! He knew how to persuade them. Particularly by charming Ishizu, who was not only the boss, but the only female.

"Wait, I'm sorry, time out, can I ask you a question by the way- did you, did you cut your hair, or something? I mean, you look fabulous! I mean, you look like a desert rose!"

Ishizu giggled so much she dropped the Millennium Eye, which rolled away and bounced into the hands of Weevil. Of course, he thought it was a real eye.

"Huh? OH GROSS!" he cried. He tossed it out of his hands, and Rex kicked it. Dartz caught it swiftly.

"Madam, please. My fate is in your lovely hands," he said, giving Ishizu the eye back.

"Oh…" she whined.

"Oh, alright!" said Odion. Ishizu squealed, and tapped into the power of her Millennium Necklace.

"In eighteen years, precisely…" she began. "the planets will a-line, every so nicely!"

"Aye, verse, oy," complained Dartz.

"The time to act will be at hand. Unleash the monsters, your monstrous plan!"

"Mm-hmm, good, good…" commented Dartz.

"Then the once-proud Atem will finally fall. And you, Dartz, will RULE ALL!"

"YES! AW, DARTZ RULES!" said Dartz.

"A word of caution to this tale," added Odion.

" 'scuse me?"

"Should Jonouchi fight, you will fail." And with that, the Ishtars disappeared, back to their dimension and time-zone.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT!" screamed Dartz. "OK, OK, I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine."

Dartz brought Rex and Weevil to a chamber of Atlantis; where he kept all of his tools for his schemes.

"Rex, Weevil. Got a little riddle for you. How…do you kill…a yami?"

"I do not…know…" said Rex.

"You can't! They're immortal?" tried Weevil.

"Bingo! They're immortal!" said Dartz. He pulled a small vial of liquid from a vault. "So, first you've got to turn the little sun-spot…mortal."

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That night, Jono was asleep with Copernicus, as was Atem with Isis. Suddenly, they heard a crash that woke them up.

"Uh, wha?" they mumbled. "THE BABY!" they cried. Atem and Isis ran to Jono's room, but he was gone. All that was left was Copernicus with his head stuck in a cornucopia.

"JONO!" cried Isis, breaking down into sobs.

Atem narrowed his eyebrows. "…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Rex and Weevil had passed through the dimensional portal, into modern Japan, so they could turn him mortal, and then kill him.

"I can't see where we're going!" complained Weevil.

"Just hang onto the kid, Weevil!" yelled Rex. The duo tripped and dropped the baby. Jono cried loudly.

"OK! Hurry! Let's kill the kid and get it over with!" said Weevil, impatiently.

"Here you go, kid," said Rex, putting a baby-bottle carp on the vial. "A little Egyptian formula!" Jono drank the potion, and slowly, his glowing body began to change into a regular one.

"Look! Look at that. He's…changing! Can we do it now?" asked Weevil.

"No, no! He has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop!"

"Who's out there?" came a voice. It frightened Rex and Weevil, and they ran off to hide, and left Jono there, crying. The vial also broke in the struggle. One drop dripped off the glass…and into the ground.

A man and woman ran out to find Jono. (A/N: Picture this alleged 'man-and-woman' as Joey's parents from the series, only not divorced. If you've ever seen that, like, ONE episode with his mom in it, she just has short, brown, curly hair. We never see his dad, though.) "Oh, you poor thing!" cried the woman. "Oh, don't cry."

"Is anybody there?" called the man.

"Can we do it now?" asked Weevil.

"Yeah!" Rex and Weevil both summoned their most powerful monsters to attack Jono.

"Oh. It must have been abandoned," concluded the man.

The woman said to her husband, "For so many years we've prayed to the heavens to bless us with a child. Perhaps it has answered out prayers."

"What's this…?" asked the man, examining a cartouche around the baby's neck. There was the eye of Ra on one side, and his apparent name on the other. He could barely make out the name, but he could see that there was a 'J' and an 'O' in it. So they decided to call him Joey.

Suddenly, Rex's Serpent-Night-Dragon and Weevil's Larva Moth crept up, ready to attack Joey and his new adoptive parents!

But Joey just playfully grabbed each monster by the neck, bashed them around, tied them together and hurled them off into the night. Rex and Weevil were so freaked out that they ran away too.

"Dartz is going to kill us when he finds out what happens!" cried Weevil.

"You mean IF he finds out!" said Rex.

"How could we--? He's going to-- IF! If is good!"

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"Atem led all the sorcerers on a frantic search."

"But by the time they learned of Jono's whereabouts, it was too late."

"Young Joe was mortal now

But since he did not drink the last drop

He still retained his magic strength

So thank his lucky stars!"

"Tell it, girl."

"But Atem and Isis wept

Because their friend could never come home.

They'd have to watch their precious baby grow up from afar!"

"Though Dartz's horrid plan was hatched before Joe cut his first tooth

The boy grew stronger every day…

And that's the gospel truth.

"The gospel truth!"

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End of chapter 01

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