Summary: When you have earthworms wriggling down your back and a sexually frustrated suit of armor feeling you up, what can you do but agree to go on a date with the boy you hate above all others?

Disclaimer: You all know wat belongs to the fantastic JKRowling and what doesnt...


Earthworms and a Slightly Horny Suit of Armour

"Hey, Evans!"

"No."

"I didn't even –"

"No."

"Well at least give me the chance to -"

"No."

James rumpled his hair and crossed his arms. "You're not being kind, Evans."

"I'm sure you'll get over it." Lily picked up her books and stuffed them into her bag.

"Go out with me!" James said, grabbing her quill and holding it out of reach.

"Give it back, Potter," Lily said wearily, reaching for the quill.

"Only if you go out with me."

"You are so utterly predictable. I would rather go out with the giant squid than you! No, I would rather go out with the slime on the bottom of the lake that the squid ate for lunch then regurgitated and fed to the Grindylows, which they in turn threw up, mixed with merpeople excrement, and served on a plate with half decomposed underarm-hair follicles."

James blinked. "So…was that a yes?"

Lily just glared at him, swung her bag over her shoulder and left the library, James following closely behind.

"I still have your quill."

"Leave me alone."

"That's not very polite, Lily."

Lily stopped walking and turned to glare at him. "What do you want, Potter?"

He grinned. "Now I'm glad you asked. See-"

"I'm not going out with you," she said before he could even finish his sentence.

"And did I ask you?"

"You've asked me on average three times a day since the second year. It's not exactly hard to guess what you were about to say."

He beamed at her. "And look at this, you can already finish my sentences. That's true love…"

Lily snorted. "Love? That's good… If you ever learn to love anyone besides yourself, let me know…Moaning Myrtle's been asking for your number."

James froze in his tracks and then laughed. "Ouch. Ok, so don't go out with me. I don't mind. I'll just find another girl."

"Neither reverse psychology nor jealousy will work."

"Well what will?" James asked, his voice more serious. Lily stopped walking and turned to look at him.

"James, you've got to understand this: I don't like you. In fact, I strongly dislike you. You could almost call it hate."

James looked at her shrewdly for a moment then nodded his head and held out her quill.

"Thank you," she said, taking the quill and tucking it into her robes pocket. She was just walking off when he called her name.

"Lily?" She stopped walking again and he continued. "I'm sorry you hate me. If it helps at all, I don't hate you. In fact I'm completely, desperately, hopelessly in love with you."

Lily rolled her eyes and kept walking as, predictably, James ruined the serious moment by breaking out into a loud, high-pitched love song.

---

Lily was not happy. In fact that was the understatement of a century. Lily was livid. If one more thing went wrong today, she would be forced to hex someone. Anyone, she was past the point of caring by this point. Professor McGonagall had just given her detention. Yes, Lily Evans, perfect school record, had just received detention, and it was completely James and his stupid friends' fault.

The lesson was to transfigure shoelaces into earthworms, which sounded easy but turned out to be a lot harder than expected. Lily had managed to transfigure ten laces when she realised that as she had been transfiguring them, Sirius was picking them up and dropping them down the back of her school robes, which explained her running around the classroom shrieking, "Get them off of me! Get them off!"

Lily was pissed off. Pissed off at Sirius and his stupid friends who had all been killing themselves laughing as she ripped her robes off, hopping from foot to foot, screeching swear words and death threats loudly. And Lily had got detention. It was the most unfair thing that had ever happened to her.

So when her bag ripped and books, parchment and quills flew everywhere she yelled and kicked the nearest thing: a suit of armour, which toppled over on top of her, trapping her underneath. Bursting into tears, Lily tried to move the blasted thing with no avail, so she did what anyone did in that situation: cried.

"Hey, Evans. How are you?" James strolled past, raising his hand, and kept walking.

"Potter!" Lily shrieked, realising she was unable to lower her voice volume even the tiniest bit. Her vocal chords seemed to be stuck on hysterical, high-pitched screech mode.

"Yes Lily, dear?" He asked, turning and watching her flail her arms around. "Are you ok? You sound…agitated."

"Agitated? I'll give you fucking agitated! Get this bloody thing off of me!"

James raised his eyebrows and smirked. "I'm sorry, did I just hear you swear?"

Lily let out a string of bad words that caused James to take a quick step back and trip over a Potions book.

"What kind of people leave their books lying all around the corridor?"

"Just…get it…of me!" Lily choked out between sobs, as she let her exhausted arms flop down on the cold stone floor; the stupid thing just wouldn't budge. James scooted across the floor until he was sitting right by her head.

"Actually, now that I have you in this position, I think we should discuss a few things."

Lily batted away his hand, which was attempting to wipe frustrated tears off of her face.

"First of all, you have to go on a date with me."

"…"

"Glaring at me won't do any good, my love. Just agree, and I'll have this thing off of you in a jiffy."

The helmet was digging uncomfortably into her sternum and his proposition wasn't sounding half bad by this point. "That's all? I just have to agree to a date?"

"Well, that's not quite all…"

Lily groaned, then squealed as the suit of armour giggled and brushed her thigh with his metal fingers.

"Oh my god! Get it off, get it off!"

"So you agree?"

Lily's attention was diverted slightly from the horny suit of armour lying on top of her. "To what?"

"My conditions."

The helmet nuzzled into her chest and she banged it hard with her fist. James just smirked and watched her struggle. "What are your conditions?"

"Firstly -"

"I go on a date with you! Yes I know, ok, what else?"

"You spend that whole day with an open mind. No 'I-hate-Potter' thoughts."

"I'm not sure if that's possible," Lily remarked, as she wrestled with the dirty armour.

"And, you come to the South of France for a week, with me and my family next year."

Lily shrieked and whacked the armour around the head as he began to stroke her waist.

James grinned. "So that's a yes?"

"YES, GET IT OFF ME JAMES!"

James stood up and pulled the suit of armour off her, and let it crash noisily onto the stone floor. He then offered her his hand and pulled her to her feet.

"I would offer to punch him in the face for feeling you up, Evans," said James smirking. "But it'd hurt and I need this hand to play Quidditch."

"I'm sorry, is this where I'm supposed to swoon? James Potter, the legendary Quidditch player, just saved me from a sexually frustrated suit of armour. Am I supposed to fall into your arms and kiss you passionately?" asked Lily, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

James smiled, held out his arms and puckered his lips. Lily rolled her eyes, picked up her bag, books, and wand, and stalked off.

"Next weekend then Lily! And I'll write to my parents: tell them you're coming with us over the summer."


Please Review! im hoping for ten reviews on this story...unlikely but still. anyway im considering continuing...not sure though. anyway thanks for reading and please, make me happy: review!