Note: I decided to try a new writing style. I hope it doesn't bother anyone.


Repeat


"Goodbye, because I love you"—Robert Lebrun, The Awakening


Joke. Laugh. Play. Joke. Laugh. Play.

It feels good to be home, although life will never truly be the same. You're different. Riku's different. Kairi's different. Life is different, but that's okay. There's no darkness, no fights, no monsters, no searching, no lurking, no fear; just laughter and joy, adventure and excitement. Because life is about living and although the saying "Live life today if tomorrow never comes" is true, your forehead frowns and you pout wondering "But what if I want to live in yesterday?"

Joke. Laugh. Play. Joke. Laugh. Play.

Everyone is so joyous, blissful, jovial, ecstatic, and all those other synonyms that out stage happiness. Kairi, because you made it home safe. Riku, because he was forgiven. And you? You're content at seeing them happy, because that's you're default setting until you figure out where that one piece of the puzzle that is you went missing.

Brood. Walk. Think. Brood. Walk. Think.

Now, where did you put that missing piece? You think and you walk, you brood and you think. The process is getting you no where and you find you should leave this "emo" business to professionals like Leon and Cloud, and stick to what you know. So you frown and think then pout when you almost had it, but came too short. Oh where, oh where did that missing piece go?

Frown. Think. Pout. Frown. Think. Pout.

You try to recall where you'd seen this "piece". You just remembered that it had to do with something red, no, fire, not just red, but bright red fire. You ask him because if anyone would know what bright red fire meant, it would have to be Roxas. But he refuses to help or for your sake acts dumb because unbeknownst to you, you've struck a nerve. So you settle to get it out and you pry and you ask, you ask and you pry, only to have him deny and shut up. You're back at square one and you're about to pout once again but as fast as a child learns that hot things aren't meant to be touched, it hits you like a match being lit up.

He's why.

Hack. Slash. Fight. Hack. Slash. Fight.

You look around and look for that red, that fire that you've just met yet are so used too. The sea in front of you threatens to drown you but you fight and try to concentrate on your hunt. Soon you're angry because multitasking is not one of your biggest strengths and you decide to fight until you see red, until you're drawn towards that fire.

Hack. Slash. Fight. Hack. Slash. Fight.

You see him and you're so relieved. He's always been so stubborn. Side by side you fight but the sea proves to be like one and tries to drown you both. You should have known that by his cocky smirk something was up. You want to stop and glare to say "Don't show off." But that would be like telling the ground to rain and we all know that would never happen.

Hack. Slash. Fight. Hack. Slash. Fight.

Bright light engulfs your senses and you're so hypnotized by the warmth that sizzles on your skin that you don't notice that the sea is gone until you open your eyes. You look around and your heart races because you're so happy that in a metaphorical sense, fire was able to defeat the sea. You want to celebrate but, when you see that he's down, your feet begin to move, and your heart struggles to catch up. You bend to see that cocky grin and for a split second you want to punch him into oblivion. But the second passes when you see that smile and all you want to do is nurse him back to health.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry.

Goodbyes are exchanged and you're so confused. It reminds you of a novel that you were forced to read by Kairi since it feels like he's saying "Goodbye, because I love you." But something else inside you wants him to be as stubborn as he was before and stay. Wisps of smoke float up and Oh God you just panic because you want to say something, anything to keep him from going out. That question pops up that you've never asked, but you did before, or was it yesterday? "Who would miss me?" and you wait for that "I would" but it never comes because the fire's out and there's nothing left for you to do.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry.

Boys don't cry because that's what girls do. You're a man now, so walk through that portal and make his death not be glorified in vain.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry.

Because you don't dare tell anyone that's what you do when you're alone at night in bed.

Joke. Laugh. Play. Joke. Laugh. Play.

It's funny how the little things that you see make your eyes water, knees buckle, and heart beat a mile a minute. The flicker of a candle, a wisp of smoke, Riku's aquamarine eyes, that red papou fruit that Wakka found which no one has ever seen before, but are afraid to eat since it looks like it holds all the secrets of the world, even the secret of where he might be.

Joke. Laugh. Play. Joke. Laugh. Play.

But that was yesterday! And the saying does imply to live life today because tomorrow may never come. So you joke until you laugh, you laugh until you cry, you cry to hide the tears that are for something else that isn't as funny. You play until you're numb, you smile until it hurts, because smiling is good, smiling is normal and normal is better than not feeling okay.