Author Note: The format may seem confusing at first... I tried to separate each letter/email/note quite obviously, by it still seems a little jumbled. In the note-taking sections, Hermione is in italics, Ron is bold and Harry is normal.


Mione, this class sucks balls.

Ron! Don't write things like that on my notebook! And it does not, anyway.

Does so. TRANSFIGURATION- SUCKS- BALLS.

Your mum sucks balls, Won-Won.

Shut up Harry.

Would you two please stop writing profanities on my notebook? I'm trying to work here!

Sorry Hermione.

I'm not. I'm bored.

Yeah, I'm not that sorry either.

GO AWAY!


From the desk of Draco Malfoy…

Wednesday

Third day of the term. Still look devastatingly handsome. Am surprised girls aren't falling over my feet. Transfiguration was even more boring as usual today. McGonagall is an uptight bitch. Her sex life must be very unsatisfactory.

People have not yet noticed my effort to be 'nicer'. I've stopped calling Granger a Mudblood, for instance. I can't help the pompous git thing though. That's just much too difficult. And I can't stop myself laughing at Neville either. So my efforts have not been completely successful. Ah well.

In other news, managed to ridicule Potter eleven (11) times today. Feel very accomplished.


Hello students,

Those with communication boxes (also known as Coms) can now access a new service of our sponsor, Wizarding Across- the Wizarding Across NetworK (WANK). This will enable students to easily send information and messages to other. Please use this technology for STUDYING PURPOSES ONLY. Socialising using your Com will mean your service connection will be TERMINATED.

Every student and member of staff has been assigned a Virtual Owl Mail (VOM) address, using your last name and first letter of your given name.

Your messengers and address book have been filled with every student in your year, for convenience. Feel free to add/delete names as you choose.

Thank you.


Welcome to WANK Messenger, grangerh!

Your personal name: Hermione

Online

- I'm not angry! (potterh)

- Draco Malfoy (malfoyd)

- SuGaR aNd SpIcE aNd EvErYtHiNg ThAtS nIcE (brownl)

- The man with the master plan (zabinib)

- Can people please stop greeting me as, 'pompous git'? (macmillane)

- HARRY'S ANGRY (weasleyr)


The man with the master plan: What a highly imaginative name you have there, Draco.

Draco Malfoy: Yes Blaise, I thought so.

Draco Malfoy: I've only got all these Gryffindors and the pompous git online. It feels very depressing.

The man with the master plan: Understandably. He should know why everyone calls him a pompous git.

Draco Malfoy: I know. It's obvious.

The man with the master plan: Maybe I should talk to that Lavender girl. She's pretty hot.

Draco Malfoy: She's shared saliva with the Weasel.

The man with the master plan: Right. Never mind then.

Draco Malfoy: She's not that attractive anyway.

The man with the master plan: Yes she is.

Draco Malfoy: No she isn't.

The man with the master plan: Yes she is.

Draco Malfoy: Not attractive. Skanky, maybe.

The man with the master plan: Can't disagree with you there.

Draco Malfoy: I win.

The man with the master plan: I'm going to talk to her anyway.

Draco Malfoy: Fine.

The man with the master plan: Fine.

Draco Malfoy: ...

Draco Malfoy: Blaise?

Draco Malfoy: This is stupid. Now I don't even have you to talk to.

The man with the master plan: Talk to someone else. This Lavender chick is very... engaging.


Draco Malfoy: Potter, you're a wanker.

[I'm not angry! has blocked Draco Malfoy]


Draco Malfoy: Hello there, Granger.

Hermione: Hi.

Draco Malfoy: ...

Hermione: Is there a reason you started this conversation with me? I'll have you know, Harry isn't very happy that you sent him an abusive message.

Draco Malfoy: That's his problem. He's angry, anyway.

Hermione: His name thing says, "I'm not angry!"

Draco Malfoy: Precisely. He's using reverse psychology, you see.

Hermione: Oh, how could I have missed that.

Draco Malfoy: I'm not quite sure.

Hermione: Sarcasm obviously doesn't work over the network.

Draco Malfoy: Obviously not.

Draco Malfoy: Am I the only one who finds the abbreviation of the network's name hilarious?

Hermione: What do you mean, it's just W, A, N... ohhh.

Draco Malfoy: Another thing you missed, do-gooder.

Hermione: So, again, why are you talking to me?

Draco Malfoy: The other options are homework, the pompous git or the Weasel.

Hermione: Why does everyone call him a pompous git anyway? And what about Blaise?

Draco Malfoy: Too busy faffing about with Lavender to talk to me. They're probably already eating each other's faces now. And the pompous git, well, that's just obvious.

Hermione: Too much information. And don't use the word 'faffing'.

Draco Malfoy: What's wrong with the word faffing, Muggle girl?

Hermione: Just everything. 'Muggle girl'? At least it's a step up from Mudblood.

Draco Malfoy: I am a reformed man. Mudblood is something someone who... is like my father would say. However, I still resent you greatly, so don't get your hopes up.

Hermione: I would use sarcasm here, but you might not get it. But I do believe that you've grown up, Malfoy. Well done.

Draco Malfoy: Don't patronise me, girl.

Hermione: I wouldn't make the effort.


"Only determination, and the most committed of people can succeed." - Anonymous

This book belongs to: Hermione Granger, 7th Year, Gryffindor

Wednesday

Homework: Transfiguration, Charms, Arithmancy

God, I wish Harry and Ron would stop scribbling all over my notes in class. It makes it very hard to do my homework.

Ginny approached me today, and started raving on about Blaise and her doing some unspeakable things on the Divination Tower. What am I supposed to say to something like that? "Alright, Ginny hon, make sure you use protection?" Ron would kill me.

Next thing you know, I hear from Malfoy of all people, that Blaise is off with Lavender.

Really, I cannot keep up with all these classroom affairs. I must concentrate on studying.

...But why do they call him a pompous git?


Draco darling, how are you?

Snookums, I'm ever so sorry that I haven't sent a letter for a while, but it has been so busy around here! I tell you, Malfoy Manor is going to be the place to be for all socialites! That will wipe that disgusting department store lipsticked smile off that horrible wife of, oh I don't know, whatshisface. The one with all that hair, and she wears such dreadful clothing.

How are your studies, dear? I think you're taking too many NEWTs. This will simply stress you out, and cause wrinkles. And we wouldn't want that on your beautiful face.

You're still in the Quidditch team, right? I wouldn't like you to get hurt. Maybe you should join something safer. Like, the Com club or something. Oh, I know your father would disapprove but we don't mention him anymore, do we?

Lots of love

Your mother


From the desk of Draco Malfoy...

Dear Mother,

Please don't call me snookums or darling anymore. It's very disturbing. And don't mention my father, either.

I don't know his name either. But the wife's name is Darlene, I think.

Mother, I'm going to stay in Quidditch. Com Club is for nerds.

NEWTs are overrated.

Draco


Draco honey,

You shouldn't be so impersonal towards your own mother! And I can call you anything I like.

One thing I forgot to ask you, is there any nice girls this year at Hogwarts? Oh, it would be nice for you to bring home a pretty girlfriend, or should I say, potential wife! Now you're in seventh year, don't you think it's time to start looking? Just a thought!

Love from your long-suffering mother


Yay, another Transfiguration theory class.

I can hardly contain myself with joy. Especially since you wrote it in your own book this time, well done. Harry: 1, Hermione: 2493.

How about my score?

Ron: -342.

Haha, very funny.

I thought so.

Again you two, I want to concentrate. And take notes. This latest example can be referenced from Golby B, "A Prisoner in an Animal's Body", Random Mouse Publishing, 1998. An insight to frozen transfiguration, the connotations that are due to the spores of a mushroom and skeletal instances mean...

*snores*

Does that even make sense?

Harry, you don't make sense. Yeah! Ron: -341.

Hermione, what's that piece of paper by your foot?

What piece of- oh, that one. Let me read it. Oh. Okay.

Who's it from?

Oh, nobody.

Come on Mione! Is it... a SECRET LOVER?

No.

That means it is.

Hermione, you never told me this. How come Ron knows and I don't?

Because it's not true!

So spill. What's in the note?

And who's your secret lover? Ron, do you know?

Nope. But I can guess... it's the pompous git, isn't it?

Who?

Don't you know who he is? It's obvious.

Oh, him. I can see why everyone calls him that.

It's only natural.

You two are insufferable.

Mione, I want to know who your secret lover is.

Me too. It's not fair if you tell Won-Won everything and not me.

I'M NOT WON-WON!

Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won Won-Won

Oh shut up, both of you. Here Harry, have the note then. It's for you.

I HATE MALFOY


The Note

Potter, you smell.


To: grangerh

From: potterh

Subject: Your secret lover

Hermione, are you seeing someone without telling Ron and me? Coz, you know, we're your best friends. We won't make fun of you if it's, you know, Neville or anything. I mean, I hope it's not Neville. But it'd be okay if it was. You know?

Harry


To: potterh

From: grangerh

Subject: There's no secret because there's no lover

Don't worry Harry. I'm not. And if I was, it wouldn't be Neville.


HARRY'S ANGRY: So Harry, what did she say?

I'm not angry!: She said, and I quote, "Don't worry Harry. I'm not. And if I was, it wouldn't be Neville."

HARRY'S ANGRY: Oh, she so does have a secret lover.

I'm not angry!: Tell me about it.


"Well hello there Granger. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Oh put a cork in it, Malfoy. Did you send that note to Harry?"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Well, if you insist, I guess I do."

"He gets quite upset, you know."

"It must be his intense crush on me. Poor boy. He can't help but be smitten with my gorgeousity, is that a word, ah well. Anger is his only outlet, it seems. After all, his name does say he's angry."

"You are so full of yourself."

"What else would I be full of?"