A/N: Inspired a little by sharingank's AMAZING stories. I highly reccomend them to you, not this crap below. I beg you, review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
For the beginning, everything is so troublesome but woman are the most. I mean, take Ino for example. She had her birthday few days ago (just after mine, might I add) and she (of course), got lots of presents. Heh, if you looked at her then she was pure honey, sweetness epitomized. But wait till I get to the good part. The next day on our team's training session, she gave me 'a late birthday present'. You wanna know what was it? Well, I'm going to tell you. It's this freakishly blue, fluffy thing you're holding right now. In which I'm writing. Do you know WHY she gave it to me? Well, you're lucky 'cause I'm going to tell you. She gave it to me because she had two of them. Yup, someone either gave her this dairy and she had it already or she got two the same diaries. (She didn't even care to explain) So, what did she do? She gave it to me as a 'birthday present'.
All in all, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd thank her, throw the damn stuff away and here, end of the story. But did Ino let it pass like that? Nooooo.
Today, with a smile so sweet that it could make you sick, she asked me if I wrote in the diary she gave me. Not suspecting anything dangerous I said the truth, which means no. And the hell broke lose.
She went into hysteria (talk about women's mood swings) and started yelling, crying, screaming, beating me etc. You know why? Because she gave such a BEAUTIFUL and OUTSTANDING present which I (Oh, God, I'm such an awful and degrading person) didn't use.
What a sin it is! Oh Ino forgive me, I'm sorry I didn't want to write in a fluffy, blue diary with blue flowers on EVERY PAGE!
Anyways, in the end she threatened me that she will check whether I wrote something from time to time. So that's what I'm doing. Writing.
But what right does she have to read and go through my personal stuff? What right, I ask? Being my dad's best friend daughter doesn't give her such right, ne? Is there a rule saying:
If you are a girl, you can stick your nose in your father's best friend's son business.
Before you answer, I'll do it for you: No, there's no such rule. And you know what? I'm sick of it! Well, Ino, just to make you even more irritated, I'll keep this book under my bed so that you won't find it. You wouldn't want to make your clothes dirty by lying on my filthy floor which hasn't been swept since I was six.
So yea, you won't read what I wrote in a blue, fluffy diary. God, I understand blue (though it could have been a little, nah, a lot darker) but why fluffy?
If my father saw it, I'd be deaf, due to his loud laughter.
Although, I have to be honest. It could've been worse. He could be best friends with...Haruno family. Then, I'd probably had to write in a PINK, fluffy diary. With PINK flowers on every page.
It's shameful enough for a MAN to write in a fluffy diary, but the worst scenario is a pink, fluffy diary.
Oh, the horror.
For a first entry it was too long. I could've just write, I dunno, something like: 'I'm Nara Shikamaru.'. It would be enough.
Maybe, if I write enough to publish a book, I'd be a millionaire and could quit the troublesome life of a ninja?
Of course, my name would've been censored, due to my privacy (and security)
"Gee, that Yamanaka brat has him around her little finger."
"Watch it, Shikato. It's my daughter you're talking about."
A moment of silence, disturbed only by a faint munching.
"How did you –munch munch- get a hold of his diary anyways?"
The middle tall man, with a scar on his face and a scruffy beard, slammed his thigh and laughed loudly.
"Dhuuuu. It's obvious where a boy keeps his diary. Under the bed. I did the same and I still do."
Once again silence. Even the munching stopped.
"You keep you diary under your bed?" The blond man sputtered, staring wide-eyed at the Nara.
"Yea. Though, it's secured by various genjutsu and ninjutsu techniques. I'm not stupid like that boy." With a smirk, he poked his forehead.
"Hey! You still keep that fluffy, orange diary you got from Nadeshiko? I thought you'd finish it by now!"
"I did. So, I bought a second one, just the same." The Akimichi man blinked. And then snickered.
A faint, almost invisible blush spread on Shikato's cheeks.
"Shut up, Chomaru."
Inochi and Chomaru howled with laughter.
I know you're reading this, old man. I'm not stupid like you. And I hope you'll stop right here and start behaving like a proper father.
Who am I kidding? You wouldn't miss the chance of seeing your son make a total fool of himself.
And for your information, it's not a diary. Boys don't keep diaries. It's a journal. I named it yesterday. Now, it's registered in as a Konoha citizen under the name 'JOURNAL'. Soon, it'll join other kids at the academy. Then, he (yes, my journal has sex unlike YOURS) will become a spectacular ninja, marry a good-looking and nice diary (knowing my luck, Ino's) and we'll have lots of little notebooks. You'll be a great-grandfather of little notebooks. The Nara bloodline will be carried on by notebooks. How does that sound? Does it prove that it's a journal? I hope so.
Well, since it's a child of my genius mind I'll keep creating it. (Besides, I want to be a millionaire one day).
It'll be a splendid book, full of intellectual discussions, philosophical questions and exciting life of a ninja.
I'll start with philosophy.
Why do people keep diaries? (Except those who are forced to do it or want to make money out of it. Hey, I'm in both categories. Is it bad? It probably means that I have to keep the dia-errr, journal and there's no escape.) I mean, what does someone (like Ino) think when she's starting to write in her diary? 'Oh, I'll write in my diary for future generations so that they'll know how a saint and great person I was.'
Probably I'm very close.
Or this shit with finding your 'inner self'. Bullshit, I have enough troubles with one genius brain. If you find your inner voice, you'll be like Sakura. Ino told me about WHAT kind of person is...'Second Sakura'. Freaky. I'd rather die than have something like that yelling at me.
Mom is enough, frankly.
Well, our history teacher said that nowadays diaries from the past help to understand the previous culture.
What culture could you make out of my ramblings? (Yes, I am aware that I'm rambling). What kind of person I am? Yea, some freaks from the future will dig out this fluffy, blue, horrid thing (it'll be dirty by then. Hey, maybe I could wet it with mud? It's not a bad idea but too troublesome.) and analyze my personality?
What for? Heelllooo, people, I'd be dead by then.
Actually, they could dig out one of my future published books. I'd be easier. I don't want to watch from heaven (I'll obviously be in heaven. I'm a good ninja. I haven't hurt anyone I didn't have to, eh old man?) that some freaks gossiping about what kind of person I was. I don't want the future generations of Nara clan to be ashamed of their family. No, thank you very much. I'm not Orochimaru to be that cruel.
What's more, diaries (and journals) are great material for blackmailing. How many genius plans got corrupted because some idiotic kid with Naruto-like haircut manages to get too much information from them? (Yes, I watched cartoons.)
Thank god, my book is gonna be anonymous. Who knows what could happen.
Wait. If my book is anonymous, then I have to stop writing my name. I'll be writing S. It's even less troublesome.
Although, S. can mean a lot of things. Like Stupid. Or Smart, Stinky, Sexy.
I'll think of a nickname later.
"Gee, Shikato. You have to be proud, I mean your son is expecting children!"
The said man thoughtfully bummed his fingers on the wooden table. "I guess it could've been worse. At least, I'm sure that my clan won't die soon." He paused and looked with sudden pride at the remaining man. "But look what rich life my son has! I wouldn't be able to come up with an idea to continue my bloodline with notebooks! Damn, if I knew sooner that it's possible I wouldn't marry Nadeshiko...Although I would miss all the fun." He sighed, scratching his cheek.
His two friends said nothing.
"I don't think it's possible." Finally, the fat one spoke.
Shikato felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. In a world of ninja, who knows what could happen.
He stretched until a crack was heard from his back. Suddenly, something clicked inside his head.
"Wait, how does he know that my diary doesn't have sex?"
I just learned that some people start their entries in dia-errr, JOURNALS by saying Dear A-creative-name-like-Diary. I don't do it. I refuse to name my journal. I gave him life, male sex (that sounds a little wrong, but who cares? I don't) and...er...aim to live for.
My entries are too long. I'm supposed to be the laziest person on earth. Writing long entries in blue, fluffy journal DOESN'T help.
Well, at least I'm not yapping someone's ear off like Naruto or Lee. Gee, those guys are just obsessed. I mean, come on, one has a blond hair which has spikes in every direction. It's a surprise that some kind of bird didn't start to stab little mice on it.
Rock Lee, on the other hand, has a haircut so bowl-like and shiny that every winter I expect to see ants sliding down.
Right on his green, shiny suit.
I'm no expert when it comes to fashion, but even I know that green, tight clothes DON'T look nice. They look idiotic, yes, gross, of course, maybe even perverted but not nice.
Oh, but I forgot. Lee wears it for training. Man, another freak. To sacrifice his own dignity, free time only to train-now that's obsession.
I am lazy, but everything has it's limits. For example, I don't go on streets naked because clothing is too troublesome. Nope, I'm no that stuck up my ass and I actually care about my appearance.
For example, I don't wear random clothes-like a pink tutu or green suit- but I have my own style.
Heh, I'm one and only kind.
Shikamaru(Still haven't thought of a nickname)
...Is it my imagination, or did my clothes got smaller from the time I was twelve? I'm fifteen now; maybe it's time to change that? Whaddya think, old man?
"Oh yes son. I totally agree that you should buy new clothes."
"Shikato, he's not even here. How do you expect him to hear that?" The Nara shrugged.
"I could send him telepathic messages. That'd be so convenient. I could show him what kind of clothes he should wear to emphasize his currently poor masculinity."
The blond snorted.
"Oh, yea, like you would give him a good advice." He stared pointedly at the dark haired man.
"You're saying, I don't dress well?"
"Oh Noooooo. Really, Shikato was it that obvious?"
"And what's so bad in my clothes, prey tell?" Still looking innocently, the Nara asked.
"Well, you wear a fishnet shirt, which isn't that bad really, and your trousers look alright but man, that cloak! It's all dirty, smelly and torn; Did you even ever washed or repaired it? And that deer fur on the top of it looks just gross. It would've been more stylish if you only..."
"Are you talking about the famous Nara Cloak, the most precious thing in my whole clan, passed down by generations, Inochi?"
A howl of laughter coming from the blond man.
"Ahahahhahaha! Don't tell me it's the most valuable thing in your whole clan! –more laughter- what makes the Nara clan famous in Konoha isn't the one and only deer herd. Nooo! It's not the deadly shadow techniques, either! So what is it? An old, smelly cloak! ahahaha-GHHRRRFGGGHHLLRRR!
"Shikato, retrieve the Kage Kubi Shibari, you'll suffocate him!"
"Let me go, Chomaru! The bastard deserves to die!"
"He's turning blue! Shikato, you're overdoing it!"
"HAHAHAA!- insert maniacally evil laugh- Well, I guess it looks good with YOUR purple cloak, eh Inochi, old pal?"
"Shikato, really, let go..." Chomaru paused and looked more closely at the Yamanaka. "You know, Inochi you DO look good..."
I came to a conclusion. I like alcohol. Asuma bought me some sake in hopes to get me drunk and win the Shougi match.
And you know what? It worked.
But who cares, Ladidaliladi. Yes, I'm aware that it sounds strange and not musically at all. But that's the melody that plays in my heart. Heh, I sound like Gai or Lee. Speaking of them, I met both on my way home. They helped me get here (Asuma refused to carry me! Damned teacher, first he makes a fifteen year old drunk and then he leaves me on a street, swerving.) Back to 'Green Beasts of Konoha'. They helped me to get to my room safely and even sang with me! Gai said my spirit of youth is so full of fire. (I'm so touched! That's the nicest thing someone ever said to me) Singing is fun; I like to sing. I wanted to sing and I was gonna to sing! Actually, I'll sing something now.
I like alcohol too.
It makes all happy and cheerful, doesn't it?
Hahahahahaha...everything seems so funny.
Like that granny. You know what she did? She gave me money to buy new clothes. She said that I have to be so poor to wear clothes after my younger siblings.
And the funniest thing is...I don't have siblings!
You know what, old man? I know why you've been keeping no reading this. You want to know my secrets. Well, I'm so happy that I'll tell you.
At the age of five, I stole Ino's first kiss.
It wasn't my fault, really. Chouji convinced me to play truth or dare and I couldn't decline because...well, I'm not telling you that. Not yet.
Maybe when I'll die. Or in my next life.
Anyways, that was my dare and, as a man, I couldn't ran away. So, I did it.
It wasn't the best. Ino didn't play with us, so I had to take her by surprise. It was all sticky and too sweet since she was eating a lollipop and her lips were all covered with the yucky thing.
Hahahaha...that's funny too. I bet you're laughing your ass off now, eh old man? I sure am.
Wait a second here. My brain's a little slow right now. You...didn't show this thing to your so called 'friends'? Because one of them is Inochi and it just happens that Ino's his daughter...and we all know what kind of father he is.
Something like: Touch-or-look-at-my-little-princess-and-I'll-use-your-head-as-a-vase.
Oh, what am I writing? Of COURSE you showed it to him. And to Chomaru too.
You just wouldn't miss a chance to make a fool of your son even more, eh?
Hi, Mr. Akimichi! I hope you're well.
But...oh shit, if Inochi is reading this, than...
Thank you daddy, you just killed me.
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to dig myself a grave. I don't want to see my rotten corpse and livers (if there's be anything left) fertilizing the ground for the deer. Just because my father was too lazy to give me a proper burial.
Or maybe I'll try to survive till tomorrow. I want to see this hangover business.
Or not. I'm going to drink more alcohol, the one from your cupboard, old man. If I'm going to die, then by God, I'm going to die happy.
"That's my boy! Like father, like son! I'm so proud!"
"Why are we even reading this? Shikamaru is Chouji's best friend...this is just...disturbing." Chomaru weakly protested.
Shikato wiped the oh-so-proud look from his face, replacing it with a thoughtful one.
"Because it's fun and besides, I need to know my son better. We don't really have a father-to-son moments very often, you see..." The man pretended to wipe an invisible tear from his eye.
"And the real reason?"
"Well, it'll be fun blackmailing him. I'm hoping for something when he becomes a millionaire."
"And why am I doing it?" The once gruff voice was getting weaker...
"Well, you're my best friend. Besides, don't be so stiff. Shikamaru knows about it and agrees. No harm done."
Even more silence.
"What was it? Shikato, I thought you have deer not snakes?"
"So, what was it? Inochi, did you..."
The last man, silent till now, was sitting in a dark corner. The aura was slowly beginning to rise within him...
"GROOOOAWRARRRR!" The flames seemed to lit the whole room, as a defying roar made it's way through the blonde's throat. Unimpressed, Shikato and Chomaru hadn't even blinked.
"Your son!" Inochi pointed a finger to Shikato, with his eyes ablaze. "Corrupted my daughter. Stained her childish innocence and purity. He will pay." Genjutsu made horns sprout on both sides of his head and the fangs grew. Shikato gave him a bored look. "I swear, I will chop him into pieces...use his head as a vase...fertilize my roses with his gut..."-insert shrieking evil laugh here.
Chomaru slowly approached the man.
"Now, now. Inochi, killing him won't...err...help." A teary-eyed man turned to him, suddenly appearing very vulnerable.
Both, Nara and Akimichi man didn't even look surprised as their blond friend crumbled into tears at their knees.
Shikato rolled his eyes. "It was only a kiss. Nothing special, besides it was like...10 years ago. Ino doesn't seem so spoiled, now does she?"
Inochi seemed to consider this. In split second, he was back to normal.
"No, she's not." He admitted with glee. "Oh, my precious baby!" Now Inochi started wailing. Cute.
No, not at all.
Chomaru and Shikato rolled their eyes simultaneously.
"Glad to see that you recovered from the nearly suffocating experience" One of them muttered.
I am concerned.
I REPEAT, I AM CONCERENED.
I awoke with a head blowing headache and a disturbing urge to vomit. Thank god, it got better later.
By the way, thanks for those pills, dad. And Mr. Akimichi.
But that's not what I'm concerned about. Alas, I'll start from the beginning.
I was on my way to meet Asuma, Chouji and Ino. Nothing special. Until I met Gai and Lee, two 'green beasts of Konoha'.
Lord...they were...I don't know where to begin...
I'll try to make it simple. Three words:
Those words speak for themselves.
But, I'm tolerant. They can live, sure no problem with me, but...why do I have to be their victim?
I feel I should express myself more clearly.
They invited me on their training session.
I repeat, only for you old man. You know Gai well enough to understand what I'm talking about.
They. Invited. Me. On. THEIR. Training. Session.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Shikamaru Nara is OVERJOYED. Oh yes, his flaming spirit of youth is just waiting to train with them.
No, it isn't, just so you'll know.
I have better things on my mind. Like making a tight, green costume. And cutting my hair by placing a big, round bowl on my head.
And sticking the remaining pieces of my ponytail to my eyebrows.
Oh, I forgot to mention about running 500 circles around Konoha on my eyelashes.
Before you start to think I'm insane and lock me in a mental ill hospital, I assure you, I'm just joking. Hey, I have a sense of humor you know.
Can you imagine me looking like that? I'll pause now, so that you can once again laugh your arses off, Mr. Yamanaka, Mr. Akimichi and Mr. Old Man.
I hope you had fun. I had lots of fun.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Back to the point. Why me? They never seemed interested in my modest (hehehe) person. Why now? And what's with that Lee's babbling about my passion of youth?
Since when I had youth?
Hehehe...that's a good one.
You don't get it, do you?
I'm fifteen. I'm young. Instead of asking 'since when I had passion?' I asked the question above.
Lord, that was sooo lame. I'm crazy, that's official.
Hey, geniuses are known for being crazy. There's nothing weird about that. Next thing you'll know it'll be me screaming on a top of the mountain:
I'LL TAKE ON THE WORLD!
Somehow, I always wanted to say that. Dunno why. I'm weird. My favorite food is a sandwich with ham and a chocolate cookie.
I kid you not. Ask Chouji.
Back to Gai and Lee, in other words welcome to The Land of Tight, Green Suits where GIANT eyebrows, bowl-like haircuts, tight, green suits and green beasts live together in harmony. Perfect place for your holiday! Sounds so appealing...
I'm afraid to ask them WHY me. But...the suspense is killing me. I HAVE to know what I have to do to make them stop bugging me.
I just read my previous entry. There's no way I can publish it now. Never, ever.
Gyah, and to think I could be dead by now. I passed the Yamanaka flower shop on my way...
I have to be more cautious.
Everybody hates me.
Nobody understands. You're blind, stupid idiots.
And yes, father, I will be a good son and continue writing. So don't bother visiting me today, my time is precious.
Maybe if I ask nicely, Gaara will kill everybody for me.
Shikamaru (I don't need a nickname anymore. It's not going to be published. This. Sucks.)
On the next episode of 'The life of Shikamaru Nara', we'll know why it sucks.
OOOOOH! This is soo exciting! I can't wait! Whooo-hooo!"
I bet that's what you're thinking, dad. Don't deny it. I've known you since I was born.
Now shut up. I want to sleep.
A/N: Aww, let's Shikamaru sleep for a while. Review, if you want a new portion of madness. I'm not sure how it turned out, since it's my first time for humor. I'll tell you one thing, though.
I sure had good time writing it. Meow!