Title: No One
Warnings: Angst, suicide, and general unhappiness, Series spoilers.
Pairings: YxY ((though implied to be thought of as only one-sided)), mentioned one-sided Yuugi/Anzu
Disclaimer: Still dun own it.
Description: Mou hitori no boku, what good is an empty vessel? Mou hitori no boku, what good am I? I feel so cold.
Yuugi first P.O.V.
jii-chan – grandpa
kaa-san – mom
mou hitori no boku – My other self
Five months, two weeks, three days, ten hours, and forty-three minutes.
That's how long it's been since you left. But who's counting? No one.
I sigh as I pull my legs into my chest, resting my head on top of my knees. It's dark out. I don't know what time it is, but jii-chan and kaa-san are sleeping.
I miss the comforting weight of my--your--puzzle. It was never mine. It was never meant to be mine. Just as you were never meant to be mine.
I can't help the sardonic smile that creeps onto my face. Why would one such as you, ever belong to one such as me?
I sigh again, shaking my head slightly in hopes of derailing that train of thought. I have already had it many times before; I don't feel like having it again.
But how am I supposed to keep you off of my thoughts, my other?
Nothing about my room had changed since you left. At least not my physical room; I'm sure my soul room has. I wouldn't know for sure though--I haven't been able to enter my soul room since I lost the puzzle... since I lost you.
I feel the, by now familiar, sting of tears behind my eyes. I shut my eyes tightly hoping to prevent myself from crying anymore. I know it's futile, I know I will eventually break down again, but still... I try.
You'd be proud of me, mou hitori no boku, I finally asked Anzu out. I was surprised when she said yes. I knew she liked you. When I asked her about it, she said that you were the 'mysterious, dark savior' and that I was the 'optimistic, light savior.'
I chuckled at the memory. She said that for a long time she did like you, a lot, but after you left she reevaluated her feelings. She said that she realized she had liked me more the whole time.
I didn't know why I wasn't happier. Anzu Mazaki, the girl of my dreams, had agreed to go out with me.
It made me feel worse.
I tried to hide it. I used to be really good at hiding my feelings, but I guess I must've gotten out of practice.
We went out for a grand total of nine days before she couldn't take it anymore.
It had been roughly two months since you left and everyone else thought I had gotten over you leaving, so I assumed Anzu thought the same.
Suffice to say, she proved me wrong.
She did, however, clear up a few things that only Anzu could clear up. Well, maybe I would've eventually cleared them up on my own. Key word: eventually.
Anyway, according to Anzu, she hadn't thought I would ask her out. This confused me, for as you knew, I had had a crush on her for a very long time. When I asked her to clarify for me, she told me four little words that caused my whole world to do a tailspin.
"You love the pharaoh."
I... I did deny it. It didn't make much sense to me, how could I have loved you and not have known it? Anzu just told me to think about it and that after I did it would make sense.
So I did.
I thought about all the things that had happened between us. When I first became aware of you, the duel with Kaiba-kun, with Pegasus-san, Otogi-kun, Battle City and the Gurus... Dartz... the KC Grand Prix, all of those.
You changed for me. You were willing to sacrifice Kaiba-kun's life to save my jii-chan, but when you saw how much your willingness to kill disturbed me... you changed. You were almost... scared. Scared that I would reject you. It was as if my trust was your most treasured possession.
Some tears slip down my cheeks and I wipe at them furiously.
I know what I just thought wasn't true. Why would you value my trust? Because you were worried I wouldn't let you use my body? That should never have been a concern--what other use does a vessel have, other than to be used?
I breathe in deeply and am able to slightly calm myself.
I'm still sorry about the fire. I was so stupid and I almost lost you. If it hadn't been for Jounouchi-kun and Honda-kun...
You were worried about me afterwards. Or is that merely what my mind is telling me, hoping to comfort myself?
I will always remember that night before Battle City. I know that my mind is not simply playing a trick on me with that night.
I open my eyes and stare around my room, my head still resting on my knees. Only a few tears fall this time. I don't bother to wipe them away.
I was in this same spot, your puzzle in front of me. I was scared, scared of all that had happened and what could happen.
Scared that you would leave me.
You sensed my distress and came out. I asked you who you were and for the first time, I found out you didn't know. That it was okay that you didn't know, because...
I didn't want to hear anymore. I was so scared. Looking back, I didn't even understand then why I was that scared.
You told me it was okay that you had no memories, because you wanted to be with me forever.
The tears are falling freely now. They almost did then too.
You told me, that I meant more to you than your memories did. You just wanted to be with me. I wanted to be with you too. I offered to share my memories with you... and you agreed.
I wasn't thinking then, just doing what I felt. Maybe if I had been thinking, I would've realized how I felt sooner... but really, it wouldn't have made a difference.
When you entered Battle City, I knew you weren't doing it for the cards or fame. My guess was that it had something to do with your memories.
I was a bit hurt that you wouldn't come out and tell me, but I understood. You must have felt so pathetic to have no memories.
You should never feel that way.
I realized then, that if you got your memories back, you would leave me. I couldn't imagine life without you, so I ignored it until I no longer could.
I miss you so much mou hitori no boku.
Dartz and Doom... were you really that crushed when you lost me, my other?
Somehow, it seems so hard to believe that you would cry so freely for me. Especially because afterwards... you seemed so much more... distant.
I hate myself for winning that duel. Were you truly trying? I know that you would be insulted if I questioned you on that, but I still can't help but wonder.
How could you have been defeated by a vessel if you truly tried?
Were you simply tired of your vessel?
My eyes are dull and I can feel the wet patches on my shirt and jeans. I wonder how much I can cry before I run out of tears.
The first few days after you left were surprisingly easy. I think that's what made everyone believe I had moved on.
But after the first few days, I realized you really weren't coming back.
I tried so hard to not let it bother me, to continue with my life. All the while I didn't fully understand why I was so crushed.
Then came my short-lived relationship with Anzu.
And I realized she was right. I was, and still am, in love with you.
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I generally put others before myself. This is true.
But it is not true, that I would do it to the extent that I did with you. I would literally do anything for you.
I wonder, those times I (willingly) nearly lost my soul... was it even possible? Did or do I even have a soul to lose?
It doesn't feel like it.
What does it matter though? That's only what I think. What does it matter what a vessel thinks or wants?
The tears have finally subsided. My eyes sting and I don't need a mirror to know they're swollen and raw.
Mou hitori no boku, what happens when a person loses their heart? Their soul?
Is that when they become empty?
Mou hitori no boku, what good is an empty vessel?
I know that's what I am. How could I not be?
All I am is a vessel, nothing else makes sense. If I really was your reincarnation, how could you have existed? If I really was half your soul, how could you leave me?
I was just your vessel. But you're not here anymore... so...
Mou hitori no boku, what good am I?
What does anything matter anymore? I never realized how important you were to me. How am I supposed to live without you? How does an empty vessel live?
I close my eyes, hoping that some answer will come to me. None does.
I hug my knees tightly as I start shaking. I feel so cold.
I don't care that I am simply your vessel, that I am no one. I just want to be with you again.
What would it take for that to happen?
I open my eyes again. No answer is coming to me. No answer ever does.
I change into some pajamas; I don't even notice what they look like. I walk to my bathroom, dragging my feet. I'll put a wet washcloth over my eyes to soothe them. Then, hopefully, I'll get at least a few hours of peaceful nothingness.
I turn the lights on in my bathroom and it momentarily blinds me. Blinking the spots from my eyes, I freeze.
I see your face staring back at me.
I'm terrified that it's just another cruel trick of my mind, but a small bit of hope remains.
Have you finally come back for your vessel, my other self?
Shakily, I reach a hand out to touch you. You do the same. I see nothing else but you as I raise my hand.
My hand touches cold glass. The last of my hope shatters.
You features merge back into my own. I bow my head and my hands clutch the side of the sink. My knuckles turn white from my desperate attempt to stay standing.
Suddenly, I feel overwhelming anger.
Not only have I lost you, my other self, but my mirror now mocks me as well?
With a cry I punch my fist into my mirror so hard it shatters.
I stare at my hand in fascination. My knuckles are bleeding and there is some glass embedded in them.
What fascinates me is what I feel. My knuckles sting a bit, but it's more then that. Where there's a cut, I feel... warm.
I smile and had my mirror still been there would have seen how disturbing it must look. I haven't truly smiled in a long time.
I pick up a hand sized piece of glass and examine it. It has a very smooth edge. Out of fascination I run my finger along the edge and get a deep cut. I feel an odd sense of excitement. My finger is warm too.
Holding the glass in my right hand, I position the glass on my lower left arm. I gasp as I make the first cut.
I watch, fascinated, as the cut soon fills with crimson red and seeps out. I can't help the sob that escapes.
My blood is the same color as your eyes.
I don't know how many cuts I made after that, or when I switched arms, but now I feel dizzy.
I don't want the fleeting peacefulness of sleep. I want to be with mou hitori no boku again.
I don't want to be an empty vessel anymore.
I sink to the floor, a slight tremor running through my body.
I want to be with mou hitori no boku again.
I slash at my left wrist and can't help the gasp that escapes my lips. I cut deeper that time and it was more painful.
But even now, all the pain is fading away. I only see grey blurs, and the darkness is quickly tearing them away. I smile, the first true smile I have had since you left.
Mou hitori no boku... I feel warm again.