Nobody Expected… This Fan Fiction!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, The Spanish Inquisition or most of the dialog. I'm not making money from this either.

This is something I though of while watching the Monty Python sketch "The Spanish Inquisition" for the millionth time. Forgive me for the lack of creativity.


(In Deanna Trio's quarters)

Data:-Runs in-

Data: Trouble on the bridge!

Deanna: Oh no! What kind of trouble?

Data: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on trendle.

Deanna: What?

Data: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on trendle.

Deanna: I don't understand what you're saying!

Data (Rather annoyed): One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the trendle!

Deanna: Well what does that mean? This is a star ship! There are no cross beams or trendles! What ever the hell a trendle is.

Data: Commander Riker just told me to tell you that! I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

-Jarring cord-

-The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez walks in followed by two junior cardinals, Biggles and Fang-

Ximinez: NOBODY expects… the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise … and fear… fear and surprise… Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our four … no … Amongst our weaponry … Amongst our weaponry …are such elements as fear, surprise … I'll come in again.

-The three exit-

Data (Slightly exasperated): I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-Jarring cord-

-The three reenter-

Ximinez: NOBODY expects… the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and nice red uniforms -Oh damn!

Ximinez (aside to Biggles): I can't say it; you'll have to say it!

Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about "Our chief weapons are…"

Biggles (Terrified): I couldn't do that!

Ximinez: -Shoves the cardinals into the hall again-

Data (Really annoyed): I did not expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

-Jarring cord-

-The three reenter yet again-

Biggles: Er… nobody… um…

Ximinez: Expects.

Biggles: Expects … Nobody expects the … um… the Spanish… um…

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect it…

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are…

Biggles: Our chief weapons are… um… er…

Ximinez: Surprise!

Biggles: Surprise and…

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there, stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah… Our chief weapons are surprise… blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges!

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. "My old man said follow the…"

Biggles: That's enough! (To Deanna) How do you plead?

Deanna: We're innocent!

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yellow letters appearing out of nowhere: Diabolical laughter

Biggles: We will soon change your mind about that!

Yellow letters appearing out of nowhere: Diabolical acting

Ximinez: Fear, surprise and a most ruthless… -Controls himself with supreme effort- Oooooh! Now, Cardinal… The Rack!

Biggles:- Produces a plastic coated dish drying rack-

Ximinez: -Clenches his teeth in an effort not to loose control. Hums heavily to cover his anger-

Ximinez: You… Right! Tie her down!

Fang and Biggles: -Tie Deanna to the dish drying rack-

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

Deanna: Innocent!

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack… oh dear… give the rack a turn!

Biggles: -Shrugs- I…

Ximinez (gritting his teeth): I know, I know you can't . I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles: I…

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid!

Biggles: Shall I…?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for Gods sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Biggles: -Turns an imaginary handle on the dish drying rack-

-Jarring cord-

-The door flies open and Capt. Picard enters-

Capt. Picard: Who are you?

Deanna: I'm Deann…

Capt. Picard: No, not you! You! -Points to Ximinez-

Ximinez: I am Cardinal Ximinez and we are … The Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are…

Capt. Picard: Shut up! Get off my ship!

Ximinez: FINE!

-The three leave-

Data: What was that?

Capt. Picard: That… is what happens when you let 21st century teenagers with overactive imaginations write stories about us and put them on the internet!


See! I was right wasn't I? You didn't expect that at all, did you?