What not to do in Teen Titans fan-fiction.


"Hi, I'm Crow, I'm Raven's long lost brother. Now I'm going to set her up with Beast Boy because I know from reading their minds and diaries that they are madly in love with each other. No matter that Raven's emotions might blow things up, true love will nullify that!"

Raven twitches. "I have hundreds of half siblings, all of whom died before birth. I'm Trigon's only living child. You are one giant lie. Be gone!" and the Gary Stu vanished in a puff of logic.


"Like, hey, I'm Missand'r, from Tameran. I'm not related to Starfire or Backfire, but I still have the star bolt powers they do."

"The and'r name is a royal line, you cannot have that name. Also, the star bolts are not a natural Tameranean trait, but one torture brought out. You are not real." Another puff of logic.


"I'm Robin and I'm very sad about my past and my parents and mean old Bruce and you should all pity me and love me! LOVE ME! So I can ignore you and obsess over Slade!"

"Actually, Dick is a very together individual who dislikes any form of pity, preferring to feel stronger." Bruce interjects, with a bit of the Bat-glare. "His dedication sometimes overpowers him, but he knows when to stop. His lack of experience with relationships is why he is so awkward in those types of situations. And what's this about mean old Bruce?"

Robin immediately recalls he's not an emo prat and tries to get out of the room before Bruce can get on his case about the speeding fines he still hasn't paid from back when he got his first motorcycle.


"Yo yo yo, I'm Cy-borg the pimpmaster. That's the only way I can get any attention, so I play all the gals I can in the hopes when they do something cool I can get remembered."

Bumblebee sighs into her hands. "Cy isn't a player, he's just not in a serious relationship and a bit of a flirt. He can get attention just by being himself, but he doesn't crave it, because he would rather stay in the background."

Cyborg blinks and is promptly hit by a glob of tofu, and goes off to beat on Beast Boy.


Terra, ignoring anything like 'Things Change', shows up on a flying rock. "I'm Terra and I want nothing more than to rip out Beast Boy's heart and stomp on it, tearing him away from his one true love Raven, who will then commit suicide because I who-red myself out to Slade then told Beast Boy it was his kid so he'd marry me."

"I thought you had amnesia, and were really just a confused girl with powers that resisted understanding." Jinx says, then chucks a brick at Cyborg as Terra reverts to Tara Markov.

"THAT'S FOR BREAKING MY HEART YOU BASTARD!"

Speedy and Aqualad then deny any homosexual experiences, while Raven tries to contain a screaming ranting Babs who showed up out of nowhere to kill Starfire.


What not to do in Teen Titans fan-fiction is experiencing technical difficulties. I advise all of you to go get some aspirin while Gizmo re-hacks into the tower security system so we can watch some more.
"And then, and then, he SODOMIZED me."

"There, there Robin, it's all right. We feel your pain."

"Hi, my name is Terra, and I'm a former Slade's apprentice."

"Hi Terra."


"Kill my sister, Kill my sister kill my sister…."

"Blackfire? Komand'r? It's Jinx. Now, put the gun down sweetie, let's talk this out."

"LITTLE SISTER Crowned princess, heir to throne. Should have been me. Me. Me. Kill my sister…"

"Koma, let Starfire go honey, this is violation of your parole."

"Please Sister, I am sorry I was given what should have been yours."

"Oh- sob- Kori! I-I just. –sniffle- love you sister! Thank you! –sob- So kind –hug-"


"So, Joey, your dad is my dad's bitch, you know that?"

"…"

"I said you KNOW THAT?"

"…"

"Good, that means you're my bitch now, I'm gonna use my powers and tie you up and have my way with you."

"…kinky…"


"Ok now, Robin, Speedy, we're only going to ask one more time, take off the masks."

"NEVER!"

"Wally, it's time for the intervention,"

"Righto boss lady. You and Garth hold em!"

"Let me go!"

"Not the mask! It's my security blanket! I use it to hide all my feelings!"

"Got em!" Richard clutches at his face, hiding his eyes and sobbing. Roy breaks free and begins beating on Karen.

"Die Die die motherbitch! You suck as a leader bug girl. You suck. You suck. –whimpers- my mask, please?"


"One two three four I declare a thumb war. HEY! What are you doing in here! This is for honorary titans only! Wildebeest, get them."

"Now Pantha, where were we?"

"You had your hand right here and…"


"I'm telling you, the boy VIBRATES his MOLUCULES."

"What a lucky girl you are, Jinx."

"That I am. Oh, I like your socks Argent."

"Yeah, well, YOURS SUCK!"

"BITCH!"

"Who-re!"


"Gah! I blew up the toaster kissing you! It sent shrapnel all over the place!"

"…kinky…"


"Wha-what happened, last I remember Jinx was here and she said something about…."

"HA! She chucked a brick at you!"

"Whatever happened to just throwing a drink in a guys face?"

"Ha-ha-ha-hahahaha!"

"Shut up salad head!"

"Nuh-uh! You got BURNED!"

"Quiet GARFIELD."

"Aww man…"


A gun is pressed to the authors head. "Slade is dead sexy? Why in the world would I say that? GAH! Ok ok ok, just don't shoot!"
"Hey Giz, we're out of, HEY! Is that the Titans? Daaaamn. What is up with that? Oh, pie."

"Shut up you numb nut slug cruncher booger eater fudge puppy!"


"That's it, SPEEDY AND AQUALAD NO MORE SEX IN THE KITCHEN!"

"Not FAIR Robin, how come you and Starfire get to?"

"Because we're CANNON and you're only fanon to yaoi fan-girls."

"Screw you!"

"Sorry, don't swing that way."


"Where's Raven?"

"Raven-Raven-Raven, want RAVEN NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!"

"Shut up already, she's having wild sex with Joey in her room, now let me get back to my plotting to take over Tameran."

"Mean lady."


"Of course I didn't only change sides because it would save my own skin, there's also the fringe benefits like my eternal sex-slave"
"I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"We've been canceled."

"What's the good news?"

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko!"

Fin.