Title: The Cupcake

Rating: T

Warnings: Japanese swearing, sexually related jokes (dear God no) and deranged-ness

Pairings: Shanks x Cupcake

Dislcaimer: One Piece is not mine, therefore, Shanks is not mine, but I pretended he was because I wanted to make him fall in love with a pastry. However, the clerk and the cupcake are, in fact, mine. You can't have them, because I keep them in my closet and only take them out when I need them. shifty eyes

The Cupcake

Shanks falls in love with a beautiful cupcake. But will their love last?

It is as if there is a heavenly glow behind her. She stands out, in her lovely shades of pink, blue and yellow. She wears a thin white dress with pale blue butterflies on it. She has been baked to perfection, frosted lightly with snow suger icing of pinks and yellows. She is, without doubt, the most beautiful, perfect cupcake the world will ever see.

Shanks stares through the bakery window, eyeing this beautiful cupcake. Never before in his life has he seen a cupcake as lovely as this!

Though it is not a well known fact, Shanks loves cupcakes. Oh, he loves them so very much! He loves them more than he loves wine, fighting; he loves them more than life itself! The only thing he loves more than a cupcake is sailing on the ocean. Well, that, and maybe breathing, because breathing is something that he has to do. But breathing honestly is not high on his list of favorite things to do. It is maybe number seventeen.

His mouth begins to water as he stares at the cupcake. His heart begins to beat faster in his chest, and he knows - he knows that he has to have her.

He bursts into the bakery, and the bell above the door maks a pleasant tingling as he graces the store with his presence.

The young baker at the counter looks up as he enters, and she smiles at Shanks. "Good afternoon, Sir. Can I help you?"

Shanks gestures vaguely at the shelf with the lovely cupcake. "Her, I must have her!"

The baker blinks. "'Her . . . ?' I'm sorry, Sir, could you . . ."

"Fiend! Do you not see her! Do you not see the unrivaled beauty in front of your very eyes!"

The baker looks around frantically for said 'unrivaled beauty.' All she can see are shelves of pastries, herself, and Shanks.

"HER!" Shanks points to the beautiful cupcake. "She's the most beautiful cupcake I've ever seen, and I absolutely must have her!"

"Um, okay then . . . that'll be 150 Berry . . ."

Shanks throws the money down on the counter, grabs the cupcake, and makes for the door.

"Ah . . . Sir, wait! Your change . . ."

But he is already gone.

"I guess I'll just keep it then. . . ." The clerk counts up the money. "Holy--! What kind of maniac leaves 5000 Berry in change!"

We pan over to the Going Merry, thousands of miles away, where we zoom in on Nami's twitching face.

Shanks is very happy to finally have the cupcake, and he talks to her as he carries her down the road.

"It's so nice to finally meet you. I always knew I would meet the cupcake of my dreams, and I finally have. What's your name?" He pauses the listen. "Freya! What a lovely name. My name is Shanks!" A huge, goofy smile spreads across his face. "We're going to be so happy together! Where should we go first, my love?" He holds Freya up to his ear. "The park? Okay, then! The park it is!" And he prances girlishly off to the park.

Cue ridiculously sweet, sappy music as we see beautiful and touching scenes of Shanks and Freya picking flowers, playing on the swings, and being attacked by wild, bread-lusting ducks.

Shanks laughs as he and Freya lay in the grass at the top of a hill, watching the sunset. "We've had quite an adventure today, Freya! What with the swings, the ducks, and the super intense and dramatic sword fight that happened on the way to this hill."

Freya says nothing, but sitting there in the fading sunlight, she radiates feelings of the strongest, most passionate love towards Shanks. So Shanks decides to see what will happen if he takes her dress off.

Her dress happens to be what most people would call a cupcake holder, or the stupid paper they put on cupcakes. But for the sake of making this story semi-romantic and more perverted than it was before, we must call it a dress. And besides, that's what Shanks seems to believe it is.

But anyway, Shanks tries to take it off. This turns out to be a difficult task, seeing as Freya is small but fat, her dress is tight, and Shanks only has one hand. He picks up a corner of the dress and begins shaking gently to see if that will get it off. When it doesn't come off, he shakes harder and more frantically. This goes on, until finally he shakes so hard that Freya goes flying out of the dress (cupcake paper), falls three miles (three feet), and lands on her head (frosting-side down).

There are multiple dramatic shots of Shanks' pained, anguished face while he screams "NOOOOOOOO!" in a deep, near-booming voice that is, in fact, not characteristic of Shanks.

Shanks leans down over Freya, as "Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee begins playing in the background for dramatic impact (the music happens to be coming from a punk carrying a boombox). It's terrible! There's frosting everywhere, Freya's frosting, spread across the grass! Shanks stares at her, pain, anguish, and despair written across his face. No! They'd been so in love . . . they'd had so little time together . . . and now Freya is dead, lying in a pool of blood (frosting) before Shanks could tell her how much he loved her . . . !

A single tear slides down Shanks' face, and he buries his face in Freya's dead body. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize how fragile her body is, and he kind of just smooshes her up.

Lucky Roux and Ben Beckman appear at the top of the hill and see their captain heaving giant sobs into what appears to have once been a cupcake. Lucky Roux begins to step forward to comfort Shanks, but Ben Beckman grabs his arm and shakes his head.

Lucky Roux glances at Shanks. "Ben, shouldn't we help him?"

Ben shakes his head. "No, Roux. Our captain is experiencing his first love and first love lost. He is in mourning, and right now, there's nothing we can do. Just let him cry, my friend; just let him cry."

Sad music plays as we see the hill, with Shanks sobbing and Lucky Roux and Ben Beckman looking sadly at their captain. The scene fades out and the credits rool, with the sad music continuing until the screen goes black.

Yosha! I apologize for this fic! I wrote the first few paragraphs on Valentine's Day after eating a really pretty cupcake, and I wrote the rest the other night at about 4:30 AM and I swear to God I was high on mozzarella cheese! Randomly, you should search YouTube(dot)Com for an AMV called "Usopp Runs Away a Lot." It made me say "ROFLMAOMGBBQ!" If you can't tell, I'm STILL high on cheese! Oh yeah, please rate this story! All reviewers get a free sexy cupcake!