Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or its characters. I do not make any profit from this text.
Warnings: Sex, mentions of rape, and some disturbing imagery
Summary: Shuichi needs Eiri's help to reclaim himself. My version of what happened after the fade to black at the beginning of Track 15 where Eiri and Shuichi are talking about Shuichi's rape and Eiri leaving.
Chapter 1 – Redemption
Eiri wasn't sure he could handle this. He was still reeling from Hiro's disclosure that Shuichi had let some bastards hurt him. Now, Shuichi had dressed up like a girl, chased after him, puked on his shoes, and then passed out. To top it off, the first thing the brat had done upon waking up was to brush off the incident. Eiri knew he had to get away from his lover; it was obvious that being with Eiri was only hurting him. So he told Shuichi he was going to leave; that he'd disappear from his life. Shuichi railed at the novelist; it had been good to actually see him have some spirit compared to the lifeless heap he had been on the bed before. 1
The boy had a fever but he was yelling and gesturing like crazy trying to get out of bed. He needed to calm down, so Eiri sat down and pulled him into a tight embrace. It worked; he quieted while clinging to the novelist, trembling in his arms. 2 Shuichi pulled back first, trying to force a smile. He had to be strong for Eiri. He just had to hold it together a little while longer.
Eiri couldn't stand that hollow look in Shuichi's eyes or that pathetic attempt at a smile, so he did the first thing he could think of; he crushed their mouths together again. He drank in his abused hurting boy. He realized that he wished he could draw the pain out of him. How could he have chosen to let those bastards hurt him just to save a lover who had left him; when would Shuichi learn to put his welfare first!
There was tinge of desperation to their kisses as both seemed starved for each other. It was the first time they had been together since Eiri had broken it off with the singer. He couldn't help but think that Shuichi seemed closed and guarded. Shuichi clutched at the novelist's shoulders, crushing them together, not wanting to let Eiri leave him.
Eiri was enjoying feeling his boy in his arms. However, it bothered Eiri that Shuichi was avoiding pressing his belly and groin against him. Shuichi's attack flashed in his mind again. Eiri was suddenly worried; what if Shuichi were seriously injured? He pulled back, "Are you ok?"
Shuichi frowned. "I'm fine, a little sore and bruised. They got my stomach pretty good; it hurts the most right now." Shuichi was glad he was looking down so Eiri wouldn't see that he wasn't telling the whole truth, his physical injuries were of little consequence compared to other things.
"Can I see?" Eiri asked.
Shuichi shrugged, "If you want to."
The novelist couldn't stifle his gasp as Shuichi pulled off the school uniform top revealing the bruising that marred the singer's torso. His lover's flat stomach had two massive bruises, and his sides were a patchwork of dark blotches as well. Eiri reached out his hand to touch him, but stopped mid air. He wasn't sure where he could even touch his boy and not hurt him.
Eiri picked up Shuichi's hand, holding it so that his palm was pointing up with his arm extended. Keeping his eyes focused on Shuichi's, he bent down to plant a soft kiss on the singer's palm. He gave each finger tip a brush before moving to his wrist. Eiri held Shuichi's gaze as he kissed up his forearm, stopping to give his sensitive inner elbow a playful lick. He was rewarded with a ghost of a smile on the singer's solemn face. He slid his hands up Shuichi's arm, trying to gently massage some of the tension out of the muscles in the wake of his kisses. Shuichi sighed, enjoying the attention.
Eiri knew he didn't do this type of thing often, but it was just so nice to have Shuichi here with him again. He planted a slightly longer kiss on his shoulder after slowly working his way up from the elbow. He then followed with gently massaging his triceps. Eiri pulled back a minute after carefully returning his lover's hand back to his lap. "Give me your other hand."
"Ok" Shuichi murmured, finally beginning to look more like himself, as he turned and held out his hand.
Eiri took the hand, and began by kissing his palm again – trying to keep his focus solely on his lover. He repeated the process, trying to maintain eye contact the entire time. Shuichi couldn't help but smile; it felt so good just to be with Eiri again.
Ending with a kiss on his lover's collar bone, Eiri asked "You're so tense, do you want me to rub your shoulders and back as well?"
"I'd like that," the singer said rolling his shoulders. "They are pretty sore." He gingerly scooted forward, "It hurts to lie on my stomach. Can you sit behind me?"
Eiri nodded and slipped in behind his lover.
Eiri draped his arms over Shuichi's shoulders and pulled him into a loose embrace. Eiri couldn't help but think that his boy seemed so small in his arms right now; he was so different in this moment compared to his normal larger than life self. Shuichi let his head fall back against the novelist, enjoying the close but comforting contact. He was so relived that Yuki would still touch him, that he didn't shy away from him despite his appearance or what had happened.
Eiri finally pulled away and began to massage his lover's shoulders. He was careful to avoid the bruises and fingernail marks that marred his skin as he pressed hard to try to loosen up the tight muscles. "Is that too hard?" Eiri asked after a few minutes had passed without the singer making any noise.
Shuichi mumbled "More" in response as he slumped forward.
Eiri continued his ministrations, rubbing down either side of Shuichi's spine until he got down to his lower back. Eiri couldn't believe how tight his lower back muscles were. He thought that they must have taken Shuichi on his hands and knees from the bruising and marks. He repressed a shudder at the mental image of his lover being hurt and dug his thumbs in extra hard trying to release the tension. Shuichi leaned back into Eiri's hands. His back had been killing him and Yuki so rarely touched him like this, just to pleasure the singer in a non sexual way. He found himself finally relaxing, something he hadn't done since Eiri had dumped him.
"Mmm that feels so good Yuki... "
Eiri teasingly replied, "That's the idea baka."
Eiri would have enjoyed giving the massage if he could stop picturing calloused palms running over the fragile back, or dirty fingernails digging into the shoulders. He suddenly had to erase that image. Leaning forward, he kissed the top of the largest nail mark before tracing it down with the briefest of kisses. The first kiss caused the singer to flinch from the change in contact, but he relaxed further as it continued. Eiri kissed each of the bruises and nail marks before kissing down the singer's spine. He even paused to rub his cheek against the soft skin of his lower back, letting his own defenses drop for a few moments as he got caught up in loving his boy.
Shuichi couldn't believe how affectionate Yuki was being; it was so out of character. However, he eagerly soaked up the attention, needing every reassuring touch. Eiri sat back up and wrapped his arms around Shuichi's shoulders before placing a final long kiss on his neck.
Shuichi turned and enveloped Eiri in a hug. "Thank you, it feels much better now. I wasn't sure… that you'd want to… "
"That I'd want to what?"
Shuichi buried his face in Eiri's shoulder; tightening his grip on the novelist in response. Eiri frowned as he ran his fingers through the singer's hair, wondering what the hell his lover was talking about. After a few minutes had passed Eiri tried again. "What weren't you sure I'd want to do?"
Shuichi sighed, and murmured "Touch me" into Eiri's shirt.
Eiri frowned as he pulled back so he could look at Shuichi. "Why wouldn't I want to touch you? I told you I wasn't going to say anything mean anymore, so I won't say that I don't like to touch you, we both know that isn't true anyways."
Shuichi was surprised by Eiri's admission, "I thought you wouldn't want to be with me anymore… I'm just a stupid kid. I can't even take care of myself or stop people from hurting me. I make your life harder. I told Hiro, that I loved you, even if you hated me, even if everything I did made you hate me more…" 3 Shuichi couldn't stop the fat tear that rolled down his cheek. "I just want to be with you Yuki, but I know I'm… not the same anymore…"
Eiri grabbed Shuichi's shoulders, cursing himself for his stupidity when his boy winced, and tried to jerk away. "Now listen here. You are not to blame for what happened. Just because some bastard is jealous of your abilities and forced you to do something you didn't want doesn't change who you are." Eiri groped for the words, he wished this were as easy as it was when writing his novels. "I don't think you are any less cute or a brat than you were the last time I saw you." It probably wasn't enough, but it was all he could think of.
Shuichi's stance was still guarded, he wanted to believe Eiri but he had so many thoughts swirling in his head. He couldn't help but feel like he was a disgusting, cheap whore who would come for anyone, someone who enjoyed being hurt. Shuichi started to shake as his mind filled with self loathing.
Eiri watched Shuichi's eyes darken. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Shuichi's shoulders again, trying to give him some comfort against the images he suspected were playing in his mind.
Shuichi's voice was soft and shaky when he started to talk again. "I saved my kisses for you, Yuki." He paused a moment. "I bit the bastard when he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth. I wanted to keep one part of me clean just for you." Shuichi had received one of those bruises on his stomach from that defiance, but it had been worth it.
Eiri was jarred by the comment; he hugged Shuichi tighter in response.
Taking a deep breath, his voice sounding even more unsteady, he requested what had been on his mind for quite some time. "Yuki, I need you to make love to me tonight… You're what I want to remember."
Eiri didn't know how to respond. Shuichi had asked Eiri for a lot of things, but he had never asked the novelist to have sex with him in such a serious manner. In fact, Shuichi was more serious tonight than the novelist had ever seen him. Eiri normally would have fought over the term 'make love' as he was obviously incapable of that emotion. However, seeing the pain and self loathing in Shuichi's eyes, he let it slide.
Eiri helped Shuichi to lie back on the bed. He wasn't sure he would have sex with his lover, but he was determined to show that he wasn't repulsed or disgusted by what had happened to him. Eiri needed to reassure Shuichi that he was just as beautiful, desirable, and as valuable now as he had been before this happened.
Shuichi lifted his hips without prompting for Eiri to pull his skirt off. He tried to ignore the hand print bruises that marred the singer's thin hips, pushing away the images it brought to his mind. Shuichi tried to calm his racing heart as he was undressed. He kept his eyes trained on Eiri, reassuring himself that that was who he was with.
Next, Eiri pulled off the admittedly cute knee socks, giving the singer's calves a quick rub. He was shocked at how smooth Shuichi's legs felt, then he remembered the singer saying he had shaved them – just another one of the crazy things his lover did for him. Indeed, Shuichi was always willing to make concessions for Eiri, even at great cost to himself. Eiri felt another stab of guilt and anger, how could his lover have thought that he was worth any part of this!
He tried to push those thoughts from his mind for right now. He couldn't afford to appear upset; it would only confuse Shuichi more. Eiri gently hooked a finger in the singer's panties, "I'm going to take these off now, ok?"
Shuichi nodded. However, he was unable to repress a shudder as Eiri pulled them off. Eiri hadn't really looked at the garment, he was concentrating on avoiding the bruises on his knees and shins. When he did, he froze seeing the blood on them. He looked up at Shuichi, ready to stop. Shuichi sat up quickly. He snatched the underwear from Eiri's slack hand and tossed it over the side of the bed. "That means nothing. Forget it… I want to be yours, even if it's only for tonight."
Something dark clawed at Eiri's mind, a hazy memory trying to break loose, but he hastily stamped it down knowing that now wasn't the time. He needed to be strong for Shuichi. Eiri shook his head a moment to clear it, before crawling back up the bed and lying down beside his lover. Shuichi molded himself to the novelist being careful of his injuries, as Eiri draped his arm around him in a loose embrace.
"I don't want to do this if it's going to hurt you." Eiri whispered.
Shuichi lifted his head and fixed Eiri with one of his rare serious looks. "If you reject me, if you are repulsed by what has been done to me." Shuichi paused, breathing deeply in an attempt to regain his composure. He started again, "Yuki, I took this for you. My body is how it is because of my love for you. If you reject me tonight, you are negating my sacrifice, my very being, and that would hurt me more than any pain I might feel from you taking me tonight.
Eiri was stunned, temporarily overwhelmed by both his guilt and Shuichi's declaration. When he had gathered his thoughts he began, "Look, I …"
Whatever Eiri had been going to say was halted by Shuichi's finger tips on his lips. Shuichi pulled away enough to maneuver Eiri's hand to lay lightly over his heart. "I am hurting here so badly I don't know what to do. Won't you help me? Can't you try to make it better?"
Eiri splayed his fingers against the soft skin beneath them, feeling Shuichi's shallow breaths and rapid heart beat. "How..." was all the novelist could say in his hoarse reply.
Shuichi tightened his grip on Eiri's wrist and slowly slid his hand down his chest, past his tender stomach and bypassing his flaccid penis until he had pushed Eiri's hand between his legs. "Make love to me. Make love to me as if I were still untouched except by you. Make me yours again."
Eiri let his hand stay where it had been dropped and pulled Shuichi down to kiss him. He tried to pour all of his feelings into that kiss, his heartache and despair over what had happened, but most of all he wanted Shuichi to know that he cared for him. Eiri was too damaged himself to actually love someone, but he knew he cared deeply for his boy. That had been why he had pushed him away, his actions leading to this catastrophe.
He had been afraid of hurting Shuichi's career, both of their futures, but all he knew how to do was run away. Instead of talking about it, Eiri had done what he did best - He had shoved him out of his life as viscously as he had any lover that had overstayed their welcome. However, on the inside he had wanted to cry, it hurt him to say those terrible things to this man who had begun to awaken feelings in him that he didn't think he still possessed. Deepening the kiss, Eiri decided that he needed to honor Shuichi's request.
Shuichi was a bit apprehensive about what was going to happen, but he was certain that he needed this. They continued to kiss for awhile, not impassioned, but tenderly. Eiri's hand between Shuichi's legs shifted, grazing his penis. Shuichi jerked back with a hiss, quickly reaching down to cradle himself. "Don't touch it! That really hurt."
Eiri pulled back giving Shuichi a quizzical look.
He gritted his teeth, so far Yuki hadn't asked any questions but he could understand how he would be confused by this. He had been shocked himself at how painful this part had been. "Lazy-eyes took pictures, to make it look more real, he had those monsters... Well they made me..." Shuichi scrunched up his face and inhaled a couple more deep breathes. "Anyways when you rub one spot so much... I mean, it wasn't like I was in the mood or anything, and it took a long time…"
Eiri winced in sympathy imagining both how degrading that was and how painful it must be now. He carefully leaned down to kiss Shuichi again, running a comforting hand through his hair. Shuichi relaxed again and wrapped his arms around Eiri.
"You're beautiful…" Eiri flushed, frustrated that he couldn't express what he was feeling. "Someone who's as precious as you… well they shouldn't…" Eiri lapsed into silence, embarrassed and now more upset at his inability to communicate something he knew that his boy so desperately needed to hear. Shuichi brought his own hand up, laying it against Eiri's cheek. The novelist was angry at himself now; Shuichi had felt the need to comfort him when his lover was the one who was hurt. Eiri sighed as he let his anger dissipate. He stared into Shuichi's eyes, "Are you sure about this?"
Shuichi returned Eiri's serious look, "Yes."
Eiri turned his head to kiss Shuichi's palm before giving him one last tender kiss on his lips before standing up. "Ok, then I'll do it." He said, stripping out of his clothes. Eiri grabbed a pillow from the floor as he got back into bed. He slipped it under the singer's hips, being careful to avoid the bruises on his hips as he helped him lift up. Shuichi let out a soft groan as his stomach muscles flexed and shot Eiri a look. However, when Eiri murmured that it would make it easier Shuichi just shrugged, his face regaining its impassive mask.
Eiri leaned over to grab the bottle of lube from the nightstand, still a little shocked that he was going to go through with this. He knelt between Shuichi's legs, planting a tender kiss on each knee before gently spreading them further apart. He lightly stroked Shuichi's thighs, trying to avoid his bruises and get him used to the touch. Shuichi was breathing deeply, he willed himself to relax, reassuring himself it was just Yuki.
Eiri leaned forward letting his lips ghost across Shuichi's hip. He wasn't surprised at the flinch, but he continued kissing his way down. He was doubly careful to avoid Shuichi's penis. Shuichi tried to keep calm, keeping his eyes trained on Eiri's golden hair the whole time. Eiri let his right hand follow his lips, caressing Shuichi's soft skin and stopping to gently fondle him. He looked up, finding Shuichi watching him closely. "Do you want me to tell you what I am going to do before I do it?"
Shuichi nodded, as he stretched out his right hand towards Eiri. Eiri took the hand with his left, and gave it a squeeze before letting them settle along Shuichi's hip.
"I'm going to touch your bottom now." Eiri began to lightly rub his butt muscles, trying to get them to relax. He also ghosted touches along Shuichi's crevice, to accustom him to the feeling. Shuichi concentrated on not freaking out, telling himself that this was no different than their normal love making. If anything, Yuki was being more tender than normal. He really did want this, but god he hadn't thought about how difficult it would be!
Eiri traced his way down to Shuichi's opening and looked up at him. "I'm going to touch you here but very lightly. Ok?"
Shuichi squeezed Eiri's hand in a death grip as he replied, "Ok."
Shuichi's opening was already a little sticky, it was obvious that it was injured and Eiri worried about what potential damage would be done tonight. Eiri could feel it twitching involuntarily as his lover started to tremble. Eiri pulled his hand back. "Do you want me to stop?"
Shuichi shook his head, "No, I want you."
"I'm going to let go of your hand so I can grab the lube now." Eiri realized his hands were shaking as he opened the bottle and poured some out onto his fingers. He used more than he normally would, hoping it would help with what he was about to do. He flipped the cap back closed and tossed it back onto the bed for now. Eiri grabbed Shuichi's hand again and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Ok, I'm going to touch you there again," Eiri pressed his finger tip against his lover's entrance. Shuichi hissed as the lube made the abrasions burn. Eiri felt his boy's muscles tighten in response. "Shuichi, I need you to relax, I know it's hard..." Eiri's use of Shuichi's name startled him and he actually seemed to break out of whatever thoughts he was having. Eiri felt his lover relax and he started to gently work his finger in. Shuichi's grip on his lover's hand tightened and he gritted his teeth but he didn't ask Eiri to stop. In fact it was just the opposite; Eiri could see the determined look in Shuichi's eyes.
As Eiri slipped his finger in, he was amazed at how hot Shuichi felt inside. He felt that weird stickiness again and looked down. He nearly gagged at the sight of blood; he realized that Shuichi had been more injured than he had originally thought. Eiri stopped what he was doing and looked up at him again. "You're bleeding a little, do you still want me to continue?" Shuichi grimaced at Eiri's words, making Eiri regretted not putting it more delicately.
"It's ok Yuki, go on" was his shaky reply.
Eiri continued to narrate what he was doing as he tried to carefully stretch his lover. He tried to ignore the blood, and push away his fear of hurting his boy. Shuichi was surprised at how gentle and loving Eiri was being with him. He had been so afraid that the novelist would stop after seeing evidence of how tainted he had become.
Eiri watched Shuichi as his body trembled, his chest heaving. He groped for his lover's prostate wondering if he could give him any pleasure to hold onto in the pain he had to be feeling. Shuichi gripped Eiri's hand harder and gave it a quick tug. Eiri looked back up quickly meeting Shuichi's cold stare. "I'll stop that, sorry..." the novelist murmured as he returned to the task at hand.
"Ok, I think you're ready now, how are you feeling?" Eiri asked as he pulled his fingers from his lover, quickly wiping them on the sheet beside him.
"I'm ok, it's not hurting that badly" Shuichi replied, although Eiri wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not.
"Are you sure you still want to do this?"
"I need you, Yuki."
Eiri paused, hit by the impact of the statement. After swallowing he continued. "Do you want to do it like this, on your back?"
"Yes, I want to see your face." Shuichi replied.
"Ok, I'm going to get me ready now; you shift around and get comfortable." Eiri turned around, not wanting Shuichi to see that he had to quickly stroke himself to get enough of an erection so that he'd be able to penetrate him. Eiri was not turned on by what they were doing. Although he understood on some level why Shuichi wanted it, he still wasn't aroused by the thought of having sex with his just raped lover.
He grabbed the lube and squeezed out about twice the normal amount as he quickly spread it over himself. Eiri was worried about maintaining his erection. The last thing Shuichi needed was to think that Eiri didn't want him, that he wasn't attracted to him. That couldn't have been further from the truth, he did care about him, which was why it was so hard for him to comply with Shuichi's wishes. He wiped his hands off on the sheets as he looked up into Shuichi's eyes, silently questioning him one last time.
Shuichi replied in a hoarse whisper, "Please..."
Eiri moved to kneel between Shuichi's spread legs, he thought that ironically this was the first time he had ever tried to find the shallowest position possible. After maneuvering himself to press up against his lover's entrance, Eiri leaned forward. He gave Shuichi's face a loving caress before bending down to kiss him softly. He laced their fingers together and lowered their joined hands down on either side of the singer's head.
"You can leave your feet on the bed, or wrap them around my waist, whatever you want," Eiri whispered as he locked his eyes on Shuichi's.
Two warm legs wrap around his waist in response.
"Ready?" Eiri asked, giving Shuichi one last chance to back out.
"I trust you Yuki." Shuichi said before pulling on Eiri's hands, urging him forward. Eiri steeled himself and then pushed forward, letting just his head pop in. Even though Shuichi had gritting his teeth, he still couldn't stifle the groan that escaped. Eiri moaned as well, it was so sudden and then the heat! He hadn't expected this.
Eiri held himself still, trying to let Shuichi adjust to the invasion. He only started moving again when Shuichi tightened his legs around him. Eiri considered that he would have to force his way out of their embrace if he wanted to pull out and end this. Eiri entered him at an excruciatingly slow pace. He tried to be as careful as possible; dotting each inch of progress with long pauses. He feared this was agony for his lover. Eiri had been concentrating so hard on his movements that he had failed to carefully study Shuichi's face, so when he heard the singers choked breathing he looked down in alarm.
Shuichi was crying hard, tears coursing down his cheeks. Eiri started to panic, "Fuck, we are stopping this right now."
"No," Shuichi said as he pulled against Eiri's hands and tightened his grip with his legs, trying to hold his lover in place. "Please don't stop."
Eiri frowned in confusion, "You mean you're not crying because you're in pain?"
"I'm crying because I feel so cared for right now, so accepted." He gave Eiri a watery smile, "You really aren't disgusted with me. You really do want to be with me despite that. Oh Yuki…" Shuichi trailed off as his sobs increased.
Eiri leaned down and kissed his lover passionately. He continued kissing him despite his tears. Each hitching breath caused Shuichi's opening to clutch at him; at least that was stimulating him and helping with his other problem. The more Eiri thought about hurting the singer, the harder it became to maintain the quality of his erection. That caused him to worry more, wondering if Shuichi would feel the difference, which only served make his erection all that more difficult to hold onto.
Eiri had closed his eyes between the kisses and worrying about his lover. Shuichi tugged his hand from Eiri's startling him. "Don't close your eyes," Shuichi's clammy hand directed Eiri's face back towards him again. Shuichi's eyes burned bright, a mixture of emotions behind them that Eiri couldn't read or fathom. Eiri was relieved that Shuichi's tears had slowed as he continued their love making.
Eiri stopped pushing himself in and began to back out again, he had only sunk about half of it inside but he was terrified of injuring Shuichi further. Shuichi relaxed, glad that the novelist hadn't gone any deeper. He squeezed Eiri's hands hard as he leaned up to kiss him. They kept their eyes open while sharing the passionate kiss. Eiri felt as if his soul was being laid bare as he stared into Shuichi's eyes, continuing at the agonizingly slow pace.
He noted that this was the quietest sex they had ever had, neither he nor Shuichi were making any noises beyond their breathing and the sounds of their bodies sliding against each other. It felt sacred; Eiri didn't want to say anything that might break the mood. He had never felt so close to someone as he did to Shuichi in this moment. He leaned even farther forward, letting his forehead rest against Shuichi's, willing his whole body to convey how exquisite and precious he thought his lover was.
----To be continued-----
1 - Volume 4, Track 13, 14
2 - Volume 4, Track 15
3 – Volume 4, Track 13
A/N: I tried to keep this as close to the manga itself as possible. I wrote this as an answer to the questions that had been bothering me about this part of the story. Maki Murakami is so vague, which on the bright side allows lots of holes for us to write fan fiction about, but it is a downer if you want to try to really get into the characters heads.
So many people to thank this time around – ffpanda and despina are two of the bestest friends a girl could have – and they have both helped me so much with this, despite both of them being ill while I was working on it! Without your encouragement and ideas I don't think the final product would have been as good. To Kinomi for challenging me to really think about what I was writing. And finally Tenth, David, and Tim, for their invaluable insights and ideas about the male anatomy as I endeavored to keep both Shu and Eiri real.
I promise to update with the second chapter soon, it is actually already mostly written just still working out the kinks.
Thank you for reading – reviews appreciated!