The chapter title came from a Papa Roach song that has a very Sirius sentiment: I'll never give in, (whoa) I'll never give up,(whoa) I'll never give in—and I just wanna be, wanna be loved. :D.
Special Note: FF has been wonky this week, not sending email alerts. If any reader hasn't received a review reply, it isn't because I didn't send one. Not only is it an honour to receive a review, answering them is part of what makes posting on this site so much fun...and I'm not the type to miss out on fun, LOL.
To Be Loved
The password was Cockroach Clusters. Sirius tried to appreciate the irony while wishing he could do a disappearing act on himself as easily as he had those muffins of Granny Pettigrew's. Despite James' optimism, he didn't have a good feeling about the summons.
"I'll wait for you," said Lily, when the gargoyle leapt aside and the wall it guarded opened to reveal the hidden stairway.
Rosmerta's words echoed in Sirius' mind. I'll always wait for you. He smiled. "Give him a kiss for good luck. We may need it."
Lily stepped forward and kissed Sirius' cheek before kissing James on the lips. "Good luck."
James beamed. "Now we're bound to get acceptance letters."
Sirius pretended to frown thoughtfully. "I'm not sure. I think a little tongue is needed—you take care of that, mate, and catch up."
His friends' laughter buoyed Sirius' mood. Maybe James was right and Dumbledore wasn't calling them out for roaming school grounds after curfew or being illegal Animagi. After all, why shouldn't the Auror Office send the letters to the Headmaster? They didn't take on new Aurors every year. This was a momentous occasion!
He chuckled to hear James mutter imprecations when he banged his shin climbing the moving staircase. "Took you long enough," Sirius said, when they reached the oak door of the Head's Office. "How much luck were you going for?"
James' eyes gleamed with merriment. "No such thing as too much luck."
Sirius fought to keep a straight face. "That sounded very tongue-in-cheek."
"Hold your tongue and knock to let Dumbledore know we're here."
The boys grinned at each other while Sirius lifted the griffin doorknocker and rapped three times.
Sirius opened the door to find the Headmaster sitting behind his desk, contemplating two parchments. Acceptance letters—his pulse spiked at the thought.
"James, Sirius, sit down, sit down." Dumbledore waved them to seats and said with a twinkle in his eyes, "I suppose you both wracked your brains wondering what prank earned this summons?"
The friends exchanged a lightning-quick glance before James responded, "We haven't pulled any pranks, Sir."
"Recently," Sirius amended.
"No, not recently," the Headmaster said with a chuckle. He held up the parchments. "I received two letters from Rufus Scrimgeour, newly appointed Head of Auror Training. Each concerns the status of a particular applicant."
James asked, "What exactly is our status?"
Any trace of amusement gone, Dumbledore said, "I have good news, and I have bad news."
"What's the good news?" asked James.
Sirius covered rising bitterness with a bark of laughter. "C'mon, mate, isn't it obvious? They leapt at the chance to take you and said thanks, but no thanks to a bloke by the name of Black."
James said quietly, "Is that true?"
Dumbledore wordlessly extended the parchments. James took his, but Sirius shook his head. "I don't want to read some 'we regret to inform you' shite from an arsehole holding my family against me."
James looked alarmed at his language, but the Headmaster merely smiled. "I was also disappointed that Mr. Scrimgeour's prejudice—which he terms prudent caution—overruled the recommendations of Hogwarts staff, although my language in a return letter was less…colourful."
Sirius half smiled. "Thank you, Sir."
Beside him, James lifted his letter. "Professor Dumbledore, in this list of recommendations beneath my acceptance, what exactly does it mean by curtail questionable associations?"
The old wizard smiled gently. "What do you think, dear boy?"
James' face grew red. "If it means get new mates, I think Scrimgeour's a gobshite!" He crumpled up the parchment. "And he can shove this acceptance up his arse, because I won't give up associating with my friends!"
Damn, that's touching.
What Sirius had mockingly told Peter in the Hog's Head now rang true and deep. He reached out and clapped James on the shoulder. "Thanks mate."
"You'd do the same for me," James said with a brief smile, before turning to the Headmaster. "My apologies for the language, professor."
Dumbledore airily waved his hand. "Oh, I have been subjected to far worse in this office, by the former Heads of Hogwarts themselves."
Sirius' eyes slid to the portrait of his ancestor, Phineas Nigellus.
'Sitting' in his chair in Slytherin green robes, the painting called out, "I may have been the least popular Headmaster in the history of the school, but Dumbledore is the daftest! Strong language conveys strong opinions, and I strongly believe he will see this school closed due to his damned…." The rest of the portrait's tirade was silent.
"I wish I'd known that spell when I lived at home."
Sirius' wistful tone brought a gleam to Dumbledore's eye. "Phineas has strong opinions everywhere, does he?"
"Yeah, and I was strongly tempted to cover his painting with curtains!"
The Headmaster's smile was mischievously conspiratorial. "I send my predecessors to other paintings when I need peace or privacy." He raised his voice. "I now ask that everyone go to another one of his or her portraits."
A chorus of grumbles and one raspberry filled the air before the frames held paintings without Headmasters and Headmistresses in them.
"Rather like second childhood, isn't it, the dislike of being sent to one's room?"
The Headmaster's droll tone made Sirius smile. "I still don't like it, Sir, and I expect I never will."
Stroking his white beard thoughtfully, Dumbledore said, "Then I do not recommend a desk job." His gaze flickered to the window and the view of the Quidditch Pitch before returning to his students. "Have you…either of you...given any thought to what you might do after leaving school?"
James said wryly, "We put all our eggs into one basket, I'm afraid."
"Counted our Hippogriffs before they hatched," Sirius added.
Dumbledore asked, "Your friends, have they made plans?"
"Peter wants a position with Gringotts, but Remus figures he'll be lucky if he gets hired anywhere," said James. "Werewolf Support Services told his mother education would be a waste since all werewolves end up on the Dole, sooner or later."
Sirius, intrigued by the turn of the conversation, asked, "Is there a reason you're asking, professor?"
"There is always a reason." Dumbledore chuckled. "Sometimes, more than one, and this time, I ask because there is a group working in secret against Voldemort and his followers that could use new members with intelligence, skills and time to volunteer."
James leaned forward eagerly. "They work against You-Know-Who?"
"Call him Voldemort, James. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."
Sirius smiled to hear the Headmaster say what he'd always believed. "What's the name of this group, professor?"
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.
"The Order of the Phoenix…sounds like a superhero league in Muggle comics, don't it?" Peter said when James finished speaking.
"Doesn't it," Lily corrected absently. She had taken one look at her boyfriend's face and insisted on hearing every word along with Remus and Peter. "I want to join," she said. "I can help whenever I'm not in training at St. Mungo's. I'd like to do more than heal people. I want to prevent people from being hurt, if I can."
Remus said, "I have to try and find work, whatever I can get, but I'll help too." His expression turned concerned. "I know you have a trust, James, but Sirius—can you really afford to devote all your time to this Order?"
"Uncle Alphard didn't leave me enough gold for champagne and caviar every night, but I can afford beer, and I'm sure Mrs. Potter will feed me from time to time."
"Feed you caviar?" said Peter.
Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "Yes, on toast points, with a dollop of sour cream."
James said jokingly, "Mother will personally direct Mrs. Stevens to cut the toast points exactly the way you like them."
"In triangles? Lovely woman. Pity she can't adopt me."
Lily said, "She can't adopt you because your parents are still alive."
Sirius looked at James. In unison, they said, "That's why it's a pity!"
Lily shook her head at them, but she was smiling as she did it. "Madam Rosmerta was right to call you two a double act."
Sirius raised an eyebrow at James. Does she suspect about Rosmerta and me?
James gave a brief headshake.
Sirius asked Lily, "Do you mind?" Do you mind putting up with our 'double act', with having me around for the rest of your life, if you marry James?
Eyes that rivalled the emeralds in rings James had begun eyeing in shops were bright with understanding. "Nothing would make me happier."
First James, now Lily—what was with people and ruddy touching moments? Sirius blinked and then said to James, "Nothing? Did you hear that? You need to talk less and snog more if that's the case, mate."
James took Lily by the hand and began to pull her toward the doorway.
"I didn't mean it that way!" she protested laughingly.
"Sorry, love. You know how I am when my pride is at stake. Come along."
She put a hand over her face and groaned. "What will people think to see me dragged out of the House for a snog?"
Peter raised his hand as if he was in class. "That you're lucky?"
"I am lucky, aren't I?" Lily lowered her hand and strode forward, now pulling James into the corridor. "Come along, love."
He winked at his friends on the way out. "Yes, dear."
"I wish I had what they have," sighed Peter.
Remus said, "You have Jane."
"Yeah, sure, I'll go see what she's up to."
Sirius watched Peter leave the room, wondering what new maggot had crawled into a worm-brain.
Remus said, "What's going on with Peter?"
"I'll go find out."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
Once, Sirius would have said yes before Remus had finished asking the question. Now, he didn't know how much trust he could place in the good Friar Moony. He said, "No, I think he'll talk more freely if it's just me."
The resignation in his mate's voice touched a nerve. If he wanted to go along, why didn't Remus say so? Sirius wouldn't even have asked! To hell with what anyone else thought—he would have been out the door.
Moony wasn't like him, though. He took 'no' for an answer.
Sirius paused in the doorway and said, "If he won't talk to me, I'm dragging Little John back for an Inquisition, so be prepared, Friar Moony."
"I'll dig out my thumbscrews, just in case, Will."
Sirius gave a snicker of appreciation and left. Down in the common room, he saw Jane sitting with friends. "Where's Peter?"
"He went to the library," she said with a smile.
Wormtail in the library—voluntarily—was ominous news. Sirius said a terse 'thanks' and hightailed it to the one place Peter might have a reason to go.
In the Restricted Section, he found the boy sitting cross-legged on the floor, copying the words of a book onto parchment. Sirius sat down and leaned back against a shelf, trying to find the right words to say. He shivered when a draft of air slid past his ear.
Sirius' eyes flew to Peter. His mate kept scratching away, as though he hadn't heard the breathy, feminine sound.
Another tendril of air blew…this time directly into Sirius' ear.
Sirius jerked away from the shelf, scooting to the middle of the aisle. Warily, he leaned close enough to read the title of the text he had inadvertently brushed.
"The Succubi book startled me too," said Peter, looking up from his parchment with the hint of a smile.
"I wasn't startled," Sirius said. "I merely prefer to have a woman of flesh and blood, not paper and ink, blow in my ear." His eyes cut to the shelf when a tetchy sounding 'humph' emanated from the tome. Sirius edged further away. "Are you going to revoke the spell on Jane?"
"You mean why, when Valentine's Day is coming up?"
Peter gazed down at the book on his lap. "I…I meant it when I said I wanted what James has, something real. I don't have that." The boy's eyes were more watery than Sirius had ever seen them when he looked up and said, "You have that. I want it too, and if Jane can't like me without a spell, then I would rather not have a Valentine."
"I'm gobsmacked." Sirius shook his head. "No, I'm impressed. Seriously."
"Yeah, that too."
"Shake on it?"
Sirius huffed with amusement and held out his hand.
Peter clasped it, and then jerked it toward him while lifting a knife he had concealed beneath the parchment.
"Shite!" yelped Sirius. He pulled his hand away, staring down at the small cut in disbelief. "You didn't need unwilling blood to rescind the spell!"
"I didn't? I must have misread that."
The innocent tone and expression made Sirius laugh. "That was payback and you know it, you cunning rat."
Peter sniggered. After a few moments he said, "You…you're the only one w—who says that like it isn't a bad thing, like you admire…."
"That you're sneaky and clever?" Sirius' shoulders rose and fell. "I do…and I intend on admiring those qualities even more after we clear out of here and you go tell Friar Moony I sent you to ask his advice on what to get Jane for Valentine's Day, since I was dog-tired of talking and went for a run to the village."
"To the village?" Peter repeated with a knowing grin.
Sirius winked. "If I'm lucky, maybe she'll blow in my ear."
She was fortunate to have such good help. Dorrie and Maisie ably took care of business while she recuperated from what everyone thought was a migraine. Fiona had even bought a potion at the apothecary, to complete the cover. It tasted awful, but Rosmerta drank it without complaint.
It was almost a penance for bad judgment. She had used Lucius to get back at Jonathan, and now she was paying for it.
Her body ached in ways hard to describe. It was as if she was old and stiff, and every movement brought pain. At first, Rosmerta had believed some chocolate and a rest would see her fully recovered. After two bars of sinfully expensive chocolate, a mug of cocoa, and a nap, however, she still felt tired and achy.
Rosmerta's eyes went to the door Fiona had left ajar 'just in case.' She threw off the covers and tried to gather the strength to go downstairs and ask the girls if they needed help. Her lips twisted. She didn't have the energy to change out of the old tee she'd worn to sleep in.
"Come back here you stupid mutt!"
A huge black dog burst into the room with Callum hard on his heels. When the dog leapt onto the bed, Rosmerta threw her arms around his neck. "Don't hurt him!"
Callum lowered his wand. "I was trying to stop him from hurting you!"
Dorrie ran into the bedroom, a packet in her hand. "Callum! Did you get him?" The girl's eyes widened to see the dog sitting on the bed, licking her boss' cheek. She told Rosmerta, "He—he darted into the pub and ran directly for the corridor leading to the stairs. I didn't know what to think, so I yelled for Callum to follow him."
Rosmerta smiled shakily. "You did the right thing." She turned to Callum. "I hope you weren't called in to work. I know you're trying to get ready for your show."
"No, no, my last painting is done. I stopped by for a pint."
"Ros! What the blazes is all this racket aboot!"
"Just a stray dog in the pub, Da! Dorrie and Callum took care of it!" Rosmerta lowered her voice. "Stop by his room and tell him everything is okay, please."
"What about the dog?" Callum asked.
The dog in question was draped across her lap. Even if Rosmerta had been dressed for company, she would still want him to remain exactly where he was. "This is Grimmy," she said. "He's my friend, and I want him to stay." She made a rueful face. "I just don't want my dad to know about it."
Dorrie smiled. "He does look like a Grim." She walked over to the bed and handed Rosmerta the packet. "Fiona dropped this off a little while ago. I was on my way up to see you when your friend dashed by."
Callum gave a huff of amusement. "I thought women liked dogs that were small and cute, not big and ugly."
"Grimmy's beautiful!" Rosmerta cried.
Dorrie giggled. "Love is blind, they say. Come on, Callum, let's go and let her rest."
Through the closed door, Rosmerta could faintly hear the couple speak to her father. She reached for her wand on the bedside table and engaged the privacy wards.
The dog shifted into a young man the instant she laid her wand back down. He rolled to face her. "Why do you need rest? Are you sick? What's wrong?"
"I'll be fine." She lovingly smoothed back his hair.
"That isn't an answer."
She caressed his cheek. His eyes were dark with concern. What could she say?
Rosmerta delayed by opening the packet. Inside, there was a vial, a bar of chocolate and a note.
Ros, I asked Mr. Harris, in strictest confidence, what he recommended for someone recuperating from the effects of Dark magic. I hope this helps, and if I ever cross Malfoy's path, he'll find out you don't need to use Dark magic to cause pain. Take care of yourself, Fiona
"What did that bastard do to you?"
Oh Merlin, Sirius had read the note upside down! Rosmerta said, "He didn't touch me."
"Did Malfoy force you to touch him?"
She opened her mouth, but could not speak. Sirius sat up. "I'm going to find him, and then I'm going to make the damage to his face permanent."
He scrambled off the bed. "Don't worry, it will be a shocking dog attack, in some dark alley where there's no one to see or interfere."
"No!" Rosmerta swung her legs over the side of the bed. "He…I didn't…he couldn't…." Using sheer willpower, she stood. "He won't be back. He'll leave us in peace. Don't go after him, please, I beg you!" She took a step forward and felt her knees buckle.
Sirius caught her in his arms. "All right, I won't. Don't cry. You need that medicine." He placed her on the bed and removed the stopper from the vial. "What's in here, anyway?"
Rosmerta sniffed, holding up the clear liquid to observe the glittering specks before drinking it down. "Faerie dust, I believe."
"Will you float around the room now?"
She giggled, sadness replaced by an overwhelming happiness. She took his face in her hands. "When I'm in your arms, I feel like I could fly." Her smile became dreamy. "And one day, we're going to float on a wave of bliss like nothing we've ever experienced before." Rosmerta kissed the lips that fell open so temptingly.
"Uh…I think you need chocolate more than kisses, love."
"I have an idea!" she said with a radiant smile. Rosmerta picked up the chocolate bar and handed it to Sirius. "Let's snog between bites."
She giggled when he made a noise that sounded like one of Grimmy's whimpers. "No, you need to eat every morsel yourself."
Her frown lifted when another brilliant idea struck. "I'll eat it in the bath." Rosmerta wrinkled her nose. "I feel sweaty and icky."
"You smell fine," Sirius assured her.
He was sweet to say so, but she knew better. Rosmerta took his hand. "There are sweat drops between my breasts—here, feel."
Sirius pulled his hand out from under her tee. "Okay, I'll run you a bath. What kind of bubbles do you want?"
"What kind do you like?"
"It's your bath."
She kissed him for being so considerate. "You'll be in it with me."
Sirius looked confused. "But…you said you didn't want me to see you naked until…."
Oh. She had said that. Rosmerta giggled. "So you'll wear a blindfold. I have a scarf I crocheted myself." She pulled it out from the drawer in the bedside table. "You don't mind wearing pink, do you?"
"Good!" She stood and swayed, laughing.
Sirius rose and steadied her with an arm around her shoulders. "Here, let me help you."
She sighed. He was the best boyfriend in the world, filling a bath with vanilla scented bubbles and assisting her out of her tee and panties when her arm became stuck in a sleeve and fabric bunching at her ankles caused her to stumble. When they finally settled into opposite ends of the tub, Rosmerta ate a bite of chocolate. "You could've stayed in human form, although I have to admit, you look adorable as a doggy."
She took another bite and admired the almost-piratical air of the pink scarf tied at the back of his head.
Her 'grinning' Animagus boyfriend gave a soft, "Woof!"
Valentine's Day was on a Monday. Sirius would rather it had fallen on a Saturday and a Hogsmeade Weekend, but he wasn't going to let circumstances ruin romance. He would sneak out that night, with the help of his best mate.
The thought made him smile on his way from the Owlery to the Great Hall. It was definitely good to have friends in high places.
At the breakfast table, he noticed James, Lily, Dorcas, and Remus were extra smiley while Peter was tearing a muffin to bits with his fingers. Sirius asked the nervous boy, "Did you send Jane the bracelet?"
With a jerky nod, he said, "Yes, I'm w…waiting to see what she sends me in return."
Beside Peter, Remus said, "What do you think she'll send you? A Dear John Valentine?" He smiled. "She's over the moon about you."
"I…I don't know about that anymore," said Peter.
Sirius felt his appetite vanish. Without the potion, would Jane still like Peter? If she dumped his mate on Valentine's Day, he would….
A squeaking noise and laughter brought his attention to the end of the table, where a rat was running toward them through a maze of dishes. It was white, and when it neared, Sirius could see red hearts painted on the fur. In its mouth was a card, which the rodent dropped on the table in front of Peter.
Podgy hands visibly shook while opening the envelope. Hearing a short bray of laughter made Sirius lean forward in curiosity. When Peter opened the card, Sirius grinned to see the drawing of two white rats cuddling with pink hearts surrounding them. Impatiently, he demanded, "So? What did she write?"
"Valentine's cards are private," said Remus, "unless someone wants to share."
"Peter wants to share," James chimed in. "Don't you Peter?"
Pink in the face, smiling widely, Peter said, "It reads 'Will you cheese be my Valentine? Love, Jane.'"
Sirius laughed in relief. "Don't just sit there, worm-brain, go tell her you will!"
"Yes! Right," said Peter, lurching to his feet. He grabbed the rat, a basket of muffins, and scurried out the door.
James said, "At least he put the rat on his shoulder instead of in the basket."
Sirius' laugh stopped abruptly when the morning post was delivered. He stood to catch the red envelope dropped by an owl in mid air and carefully opened it.
"So? What did she write?" said James.
Lily teased, "Is that from your pen friend who is such a good friend that she owls every day?"
Sirius decided to tell the truth, but not the whole truth. "It's from my girlfriend, who is also my pen friend, and writes me every day…and twice on Sundays."
Remus huffed with amusement. "About time you admitted it."
Dorcas scooted a little closer to her boyfriend. "Will you share your card with us too?"
Sirius sighed theatrically. "If everyone insists."
"We insist," said James. Lily, Dorcas, Remus, and several other housemates sitting within earshot nodded their agreement.
Sirius held up the card, which depicted a Dalmatian dog with its paws resting on a huge red heart. He read, "Valentine, you make me happy all over. XOXOX"
"Awww," said the girls.
"AW!" James and Remus said jokingly.
Sirius stood and bowed. "Thank you, thank you."
"When will we meet this mysterious girlfriend of yours?" asked Lily.
"When the time is right." Sirius shook his head regretfully. "According to all the methods of Divination I've tried—shell scrying, tarot, palmistry, Magic Eight Ball—I must wait for a more fortuitous alignment of the stars."
"A Magic Eight Ball isn't magic, its Muggle!" Lily exclaimed.
Sirius feigned shock. "No! It told me Yes, James loved you and Absolutely, you would marry him someday! Was it wrong?"
Lily winked. "Ask again later."
He leaned over and snagged a slice of melon off her plate. "Believe me, I will."
At lunch, the noise level in the Hall rose dramatically when dwarves marched inside to deliver singing Valentines. Sirius gaped when a scowling little man holding a bow and arrow leapt onto the Gryffindor table and snapped, "Sirius Black?"
Clearing his throat, the dwarf began to sing.
That old black magic has me in its spell
That old black magic that you weave so well
His mates snickered to hear the dwarf sing about hearing his name and becoming aflame with a burning desire only a kiss could put out, but Sirius appreciated the sentiment of the woman who sent it. He grinned, and gave the dwarf a standing ovation.
That night, after running to the Broomsticks, Sirius took a moment to shift into human form, raising the hood of his cloak to conceal his features. He strode to the kitchen door and knocked. When Rosmerta opened it, looking like a devilishly sexy angel in red, he raised his wand and said, "Orchideous!"
She reached out to take the bouquet of red roses that threatened to spill out of her arms. "They're beautiful! Thank you!"
He followed her inside, where the table was set for two. "I'll try to do your dinner justice, but I have to confess, I'm not that hungry."
"Why not? I thought the plan was for you to pretend illness?"
Sirius hung up his cloak and watched Rosmerta place the roses in a vase on the table. While she arranged them, he said, "I did. A group of firsties heard about it, though, and brought me soup and crackers."
"Did the girls climb on your bed and insist on feeding you?" Rosmerta walked over and slid her arms around his neck, smiling.
He used his 'puppy dog' look. "They brushed my hair too."
She laughed softly. "As long as none of the little witches ran their fingers through it, I won't ban them from the pub in jealousy."
Sirius bent and kissed her tenderly. "After I gave the dwarf a standing ovation for singing That Old Black Magic, everyone at Hogwarts knows I'm taken."
"That isn't why I sent the Valentine."
He took her lips again, in a lingering kiss. "I know."
She stepped back and picked up a card off the table. "I sent it before I got your card, but I felt the exact same way."
He had chosen a card with a black dog sitting on a chair, a playing card in its mouth. It was the Ace of Hearts. Inside the blank card, he had written his own Valentine message.
My heart is yours!
Sirius smiled into Rosmerta's eyes and whispered the words that gave him hope, and a future.
"I love you."
A/N: "Call him Voldemort, James" line came directly from PS17. I thought it would be nice to have Dumbledore say to James what he would one day say to Harry. I couldn't resist having a Succubi book hit on Sirius, faery dust giving a high, a dwarf singing Sinatra and can't blame Sirius for not speaking up when his girlfriend offered a crochet blindfold—I'm sure he didn't peek through the holes, lol. Since the story ended before the school year did, I picked Valentine's Day for the happy ending and had fun wading through a mountain of cards to find the ones I used. :D.
The holiday one shot posting next Friday is titled A Charmed Life, after the song by Diana Krall. I hope readers will find it appropriate too, and review this one!
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