Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters. They unfortunately belong to JK Rowling whom I have severe issues with for killing off my Padders: GLARE!

Summary: Gift to krazi little aus and her fic What if? James survived that tragic night and is very overprotective of his only son. And did I mention obsessive, compulsive and extremely paranoid as well?

Dedicated to: krazi little aus. I have her permission to this fic. She is awesome!

A Very Harry Grocery Scenario

There was a very good reason eleven-year-old, soon to be twelve, Harry Potter had locked the door and barricaded himself in his room. The reason had nothing to do with Death Eaters or "pre-teenage moody sulking" as his Godfather, Sirius often blandly put it. No, it was a very practical, logical reason that many children his own age would agree with him on.

He was hiding from his father to avoid another disastrous mishap.

However, by mishap, he meant one that his father created, not him. And by hiding, he really meant ignoring his father until the man became so frustrated he would give up and leave him alone.

So far, Harry's plan wasn't working. His father was frustrated all right, but it was only making him more determined not to concede defeat.

"Harry!" yelled the livid, exasperated voice of James Potter as he pounded on the hard wood, "Open this door! Right now!"

"Really, Prongs, screaming at a child never makes them run to you happily," stated an amused Sirius Black behind him.

"Yes, perhaps a more subtle approach would be the wisest," Remus Lupin, wryly agreed, sympathizing with Harry immensely.

"But-but," sputtered James incoherently, realizing the situation was sliding out of his hands, "BUT HE'S REBELLING!"

Sirius got a good kick out of that and fell into a barking fit of laughter, only to call to Harry after he managed to get his emotion in check, "That's my one and only favorite Godson! Give your old man hell, Harry! That's what being young is all about! LIVE!"

"Quit giving my son the wrong advice!" James cried in a strangled yelp of horror, "Next thing you'll know he'll want to be moving out when he's seventeen, get in with the wrong sort of crowd, and wind up dead on the streets because he naively took some bag to some location all because someone asked him nicely to!"

There was a muffled moan from the room and Remus could almost imagine Harry burying his face in his pillow and slamming his head against the wall in frustration.

James, however, interpreted the moan entirely differently.

"AH! HARRY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT IN THERE?" the man bellowed, knocking on the door more furiously, "HARRY? ARE CHOKING ON SOMETHING? IS SOMEONE CHOKING YOU? OMIGAWD, PADFOOT! HURRY AND HELP ME OPEN THIS DARN CONTRAPTION! MY BABY'S DYING OF STRANGULATION!"

Sirius and Remus, though quite used to James having extreme histrionics, saw the border-line of sanity drawing closer. Moving into action, Remus motioned to Sirius, who gently but firmly took their friend by the shoulders and leading him towards the staircase, began to slowly descend it.

"Here we go, Jamsie-boy! How about we go to the kitchen for a nice spot of tea to relax?"

Remus had to smile at that. Sirius's favorite drink to relax was a good bottle of Fire Whiskey.

"BUT MY HARRY'S BEING MURDERED!" James protested, struggling wildly, "HOW CAN YOU DRINK TEA AT A TIME LIKE THIS?"

The last comment seemed to finally push a fried button, as Harry shouted from behind his locked door in a very irritated-sounding voice, "I'M FINE, DAD!"

Seeing that James did not quite believe the last assessment as he continued to fight against Sirius leading him down the stairs, Remus stepped up.

"Perhaps I should talk to him?" he inquired of his friend, "I might be able to convince him to come out."

"But I'm his father! He's not even talking to me! I don't understand why he's being so difficult!" James howled, his grip on the stairway's banister ripped away as he was dragged out of sight by Sirius, who had finally succeeded in reaching their goal by sheer force.

Remus half-smiled, shook his head, and knocked gently on the boy's door, "Harry? It's Remus. Could you please let me in? Your father's downstairs enjoying his breakfast."

That was the understatement of the day, the tawny-haired man mused, beads of sweat breaking out across his forehead as loud banging noises came from the kitchen.

"I am not hungry, Padfoot! I need someone to answer my question of why children revolt against their parents at a certain age! I've never given any reason for him to be unhappy with me! I've raised him, fed him, cared for him, and love him! I CREATED HIM FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!"

"No offense, Prongs, but I think you had a little help there," replied Sirius's voice over a boisterous din of clanging.

"Lily would know how to deal with him! She would even know what the problem is! AH! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! HE RESENTS ME FOR LIVING AND NOT HER! MY BABY HATES ME!"

"Don't be so melodramatic, Prongs. Harry doesn't hate y-" Sirius was abruptly cut off by a gigantic explosion which shook the whole house, vibrating the walls and rattling the windows.

Downstairs panicked screaming could be heard.

"OMIGAWD! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

"WAH! I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

"I'M ON FIRE! I'M GOING TO DIE AND NEVER SEE HARRY GRADUATE AND BE THERE TO PICK OUT HIS WIFE AND GIVE HIM THE DATE WHEN I WANT GRANDCHILDREN AND HOW MANY! LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU STUPID MUTT!"

Upstairs, the beads of sweat had spread out across Remus's whole head, and the man knocked more frantically on the boy's door, "Harry? I really quite insist you open the door. Harry, open the do-"

The tawny-haired man yelped in surprise when the door flew back-wards on its own and he barely managed to keep his balance not to topple face forward onto the floor.

Straightening his robes, Remus stared at the hunched-over figure sitting on the bed, who was staring sullenly at the floor.

"Harry?" Remus asked inquisitively.

"He's not going to leave until I go with him, isn't he?" the boy stated almost accusingly as he scuffed the bottom of his shoe across the floorboards.

"Well, Harry, really," Remus tried to reason, "It's only a trip to the grocery store! You'll be in and out, guaranteed."

"You weren't there last time," Harry responded, his voice taking on a desperate tone, "He attacked the cashier because he thought the guy was going for the wand in a hidden compartment in the cash register. The guy had to be sent to St. Mungo's for complete removal of croaking pink warts on his face that belched purple bubbles."

Remus had to wince at that one.

"The man didn't sue and neither did the store just because they were afraid and too awe-struck of the great Harry Potter and his insane father gracing them with their presence," Harry said with a disgusted tone.

"Now Harry, you're father isn't insane," scolded Remus, "He's just…just-"

"Overprotective, obsessive, compulsive, and more paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody?" Harry helped out.

"Well, if you have to put it that way, yes," Remus said reluctantly, breaking out into a slight sweat again, "But you know the main reason why he always goes overboard is because he wants to make sure nothing happens to you. You're his most precious possession and he loves you very much."

"I know," Harry sighed deeply, still looking at the floor, "But when he acts…the way he does…he embarrasses me!"

"Yes, well, Harry, I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to that, because I do not feel that James is going to alter his ways any time soon," Remus stated apologetically, "Now, as for the reason I came in here for. Harry, will you please come downstairs so James will relax, and we all can get this unwanted trip to the grocery store over as quickly as possible?"

"Wait a minute," Harry said, finally tearing his stubborn gaze off the floor and staring at his dad's friend with hope-filled eyes, "You're coming with us? I won't be alone with him?"

"It seems James has become as you said 'more paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody', and he has requested-no, ordered-Sirius and me to join the two of you on this little outing so 'buff up security'," Remus replied smiling.

Normally, at statement like would have made Harry cringe and want to hide under the covers, but the boy was too happy at the moment to stress over his father's abnormal fears.

"OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Harry cried tearfully, as he launched himself at Remus and embraced the grown-up in a grateful hug.

Remus chuckled, patting the boy's head, "You're welcome, but surely, it won't be that bad, now will it?"

oOoOoOo

It was that bad, Remus realized as he watched James check the fireplace and cast another disarming hex for the sixteenth time.

"Um, Prongs?" Sirius spoke up from the table where he was siting playing Exploding Snap with Harry to pass the time, "I think if any person was lying in wait ready to ambush us, they're probably dead or horribly maimed at this point."

"You can never be too sure!" James declared, whirling around to face everyone breathing heavily in exertion, his face and robes blackened with soot, "I won't take any chances where my baby is involved!"

Harry suppressed another groan and began laying down cards more viciously to vent out his annoyance.

At the fifth card, the whole pile exploded in his face, setting out a fit of doggish laughter from Sirius and a panic attack from James.

"AH! MY POOR BABY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOUR GLASSES STILL INTACT? DID THEY GET IN YOUR EYES? CAN YOU SEE? TALK TO ME, HARRY! SAY SOMETHING!"

"I'M FINE!" Harry screamed, getting up and stalking over to the fireplace, and grabbing a handful of Floo powder from a bucket hanging nearby, "CAN WE GO NOW?"

"WAIT!" James screeched at the sight, "SIRIUS HAS TO GO FIRST TO CHECK THE PERIMETERS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE'S WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

Harry stepped aside, aware he had several veins popped out on his head from keeping his anger in check. Sirius walked past him, giving the boy an apologetic smile, before snatching some Floo powder of the bucket, stepping into the fireplace and shouting the name of the unfortunate grocery store.

"THE PYGMY PUFF!"

Remus watched as his friend disappeared in a roar of green flames, wondering who on earth named their store after a miniature puffskein.

"Right, Harry, you go next," James ordered, convinced that Sirius had taken care of any potential enemies by now, "AND REMEMBER TO ENUNCIATE PROPERLY!"

Harry felt the angry veins on his head fading away at that and beads of sweat taking their place as he recalled the first Floo experience he had had. He had been six, the same year when he had discovered that magic was real. His father had been keeping it a secret on Dumbledore's orders, and trying to live as a muggle. Harry had been quite relieved to learn that it was perfectly normal if someone's walls kept changing colors from red to blue and that he wasn't a "freak" as the kids at his muggle school called him. Being magical also explained the reason his dad couldn't work the t.v. remote for five years.

Anyway, he had been six and his father had wanted to take him on his first trip to Diagon Alley, with their fireplace being newly connected to the Floo network. For some reason, James hadn't been quite so paranoid then, and let Harry go before him. It being Harry's first time, he had choked on the ashes and mispronounced the name. Instead of winding up in Diagon Alley he had tumbled head over of heels out of the fireplace straight into the laps of several young ladies, giving them quite the fright. Once they had realized who and what had entered their house uninvited, they went absolutely gah-gah over the "adorable, cute, messy-haired little angel with gorgeous emerald eyes". Harry had been served cookies and milk, along with all kinds of other sweets with names too fancy to remember. He had been completely oblivious to the time that had passed, not knowing that his father was frantically searching for him, along with Sirius, Remus, and half the Auror squad of Britain.

When he had finally been found, due to the girls giving the Ministry of Magic his location, he had been snatched quickly up at his father after being hugged tightly, shaken and yelled at, and his clothes getting soaked by James tears of relief. He had not understood then why his father had turned red upon thanking the ladies for keeping him safe, nor why James had tried his best not to stare too hard at them, before dashing out of the place as quickly as possible. He also had not understood why so many of the Auror squad had remained behind to "give the girls their personal thanks of rescuing their savior". And when he had asked Remus why Sirius had stayed behind also, Remus's face flushed bright red and the man had a sudden coughing fit and couldn't run home fast enough. It wasn't until later did he realize the meaning behind the crimson red room with its luxurious tapestries and rugs, silk pillows, expensive food, and the girls' odd-looking outfits.

Needless to say, Harry had no desire for that to happen again and made sure he said the name of the store very clearly.

"THE PYGMY PUFF!" he yelled and in the next instant was hurtling through a tight narrow passageway catching glimpses of other's fireplaces before falling face-first into the specified location.

"Whoa there, kiddo! Slow down!" he heard Sirius's voice say, as he felt his godfather's strong arms catch him before he smacked into the floor.

"So, five sickles says your pop's gonna find something criminally worth investing in three minutes," Sirius gambled.

"One," Harry declared, agreeing on the bet.

Sirius raised his eyebrows at that just as James stumbled out of the store's fireplace, wand at the read with Remus following close behind.

"All right, everyone," James said, casting furtive eyes around, "Be on the look out for anything suspicious!"

Remus rolled his eyes, while Sirius jokingly pointed to a can of tomatoes some old lady had dropped, and which was now rolling their way.

"Prongs! Approaching adversary at twelve o'clock!"

Upon spotting the container innocently rolling towards them, James gave out an unearthly shriek, "AH! EXPLODING WIZARD CRACKERS! DUCK AND COVER, MEN!"

And with that assessment, Harry found himself picked up, grasped tightly, and clenched fast to his father's chest as James did an almighty leap to one side in a very James Bond-ish type of way. Harry could practically hear "Hawaiian 5-O" playing loudly against the inside of his skull.

When James finally finished his series of leaps, rolling, ducking, and sprinting, he set Harry down and did a quick scan for any more enemy tomato cans, before giving his son a thorough check-over for any injuries.

Harry, aware they had a large audience of gaping customers, did no complaining, not wanting to make the scene any more worse than it already was. Otherwise, he would have let his father had it.

Harry glared at Sirius who was chuckling gleefully, standing over where they had first come in. Farther away he could see Remus apologetically handing the can of tomatoes back to its original owner who took it from him fearfully, before hastily retreating.

"Well that settled it!" James stated firmly, once he was sure his son had suffered no fatal wounds, "Harry, you're staying where it's safe! Sit here!"

James pointed to an empty cart next to them, more specifically at the seat for babies and toddlers on top.

"I'M NOT SITTING IN THAT!" Harry shrieked, forgetting about his prior decision not to make a scene.

"Harry I'm your father! You have to obey me! Now don't be rebellious and sit in the seat!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry howled, feeling his face turn red in rage. If he was younger, he would have no problem throwing a temper tantrum right there on the floor.

James face took on a rather helpless look as he did the only thing he knew how to handle his son when he was this way.

"Is that it then? You don't appreciate your father for wanting to protect his baby boy? You don't love me enough to respect me?" James sniffled, moisture welling up in his hazel eyes.

Harry sighed, feeling his righteous anger slipping away from him, though he knew what his father was doing.

"Come on, Harry. Please listen to Daddy," James coaxed, sensing his son was at the breaking point.

"Fine," Harry hissed, disgusted at himself for allowing his father's guilt trip to get to him.

Sighing in defeat, the boy clambered into the seat, which the cart magically expanded so he could fit. Burying his face in his hands, Harry couldn't possibly see how things could get any worse.

"Having a fun stroll in your baby carriage, Scar-Head?" drawled a rather familiar arrogant voice.

Harry groaned, knowing who it was, before even looking up. Great! All he needed to make the day even more humiliating was childish taunts from Draco Malfoy, who had become his number one rival since he had started Hogwarts last year.

"Where's your pacifier and baby rattle, Potter? Did you forget them at home?" Draco sneered, taking great pleasure in his schoolmate's discomfort.

Before he could come up with a stunning brilliant reply, he was interrupted by his father.

"YOU!" James snarled, his gaze landing on Draco, "YOU THINK THAT DISGUISE IS CUNNING ENOUGH TO CATCH ME OFF GUARD, LUCIUS? NICE TRY!"

Harry realized then that his dad had never seen or met Draco, and due to the boy's remarkable family resemblance, had concluded that he was his father in one form or another.

I really should let him know before he does something drastic, Harry thought before seeing the petrified expression on Draco's face, Nah. I won't.

"THINK YOU CAN TAKE A DE-AGING POTION SO YOU CAN LURE ME INTO A FASLE SENSE OF SECURITY SO YOU CAN GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO YOUR TARGET TO ATTACK? NOT GOOD ENOUGH, LUCY! DIE!" James exclaimed before letting loose several volleys of numerous curses, jinxes, and hexes at the boy.

Draco turned tail and ran, letting out a very girlish squeal of, "MUUUUUUUUUMMY!"

"NOT SO FAST, LUCY!" James cried, chasing after the fleeing child, "YOU DON'T GET AWAY THAT EASY!"

Harry couldn't help the wide grin that spread its way across his face and decided that the day wasn't a total loss after all. The boy heard quiet laughter behind him and turned to see Remus smiling at him.

"Want help down?" the tawny-haired man inquired and Harry nodded a grateful yes.

"Where's Sirius?" Harry asked, after he had gotten out of the horrible contraption, not spotting his godfather anywhere.

"Ah, last I saw of him, he was baiting his cousin, young Draco's mother about gray hairs, wrinkle lines and zits with something along the lines of 'Cissa's a sissy!'", Remus answered, his smile growing more broad.

Harry snorted.

"Harry! Why are you out of the cart?" came James frantic voice suddenly as the man rushed over, "It's not safe!"

Harry sighed, the little happiness he had had, disappearing.

"Actually, James," Remus said, cutting in with a very serious tone, "I have my suspicions that the cart was a voracious snarfwonger in disguise with a taste for young fresh meat."

James gasped in horror, and in the next instant, the cart lay in scattered pieces on the floor due to a violent Incendio curse. James shook his friend's hand, thanking him in a very solemn voice for saving his son's life.

Then, of course, James had to check Harry over for any "voracious snarfwonger" bites.

"Can we go home now?" Harry asked miserably.

oOoOoOo

It had been a terrible, tiring, trying day, but Harry's spirits were high in the air. They had finished off their shopping with little more mishaps other than the grocery store's mascot-a man all donned up in a bright pink pygmy puff attire-who had almost given James a heart attack by jumping out from behind a stand of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum and Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. James had been certain the mascot was yet another Death Eater in disguise ready to kidnap his baby and hand him on a silver platter to Voldemort. Needless to say, after being transformed from a pair of fuzzy mittens to a duckbill platypus, Harry deeply suspected the man would hand in his resignation to the store at the end of the day.

In any event, other than that, there had been no more foul-ups and even their journey through the check-out line had gone smoothly. It seemed that the last grocery shop they had gone to had warned all the others about future potential visits from Harry Potter and his hair-triggered father, for all the customers had scattered like ants upon seeing the group approaching the front with their items at ready. And the cashier had stepped back some distance from the cash register as he went for the money slowly so James could be definitely sure he wasn't about to spring some hidden trap.

However, Harry really should have known better to think they were going home scott free. For as the group approached the fireplace, a multitude of reporters and photographers Flooed in, one after the other. Apparently, someone had tipped the Daily Prophet off about the Pygmy Puff's famous visitors.

The crowd of newsmen spotted their prey with little difficulty as they had arrived right in front of them and the group was immediately surrounded and swarmed with questions.

"MR. POTTER! NO, NOT YOU, THE YOUNGER ONE! CAN YOU RECALL ANY MEMORIES WHATSOEVER OF THAT TRAGIC NIGHT THAT SCARRED YOUR FAMILY? AND I MEAN THAT BOTH METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY BECAUSE OF YOUR SCAR."

"POTTER SENIOR, SIR! HOW SAFE DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HAVING YOUR SON IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO A WEREWOLF WHO IS ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS?"

"MR. LUPIN, IS IT TRUE THAT ARE YOU ONLY FRIENDS WITH THE POTTERS BECAUSE OF THEIR WEALTH AND IS YOUR BEING THEIR SO-CALLED FRIEND MERELY A CHARADE TO ADVANCE YOUR LOWLY STATUS IN SOCIETY?"

"HARRY POTTER, WHAT IS IT LIKE HAVING A NON-FUNCTIAL, INSANE MAN AS YOUR FATHER?"

"MR. BLACK, TELL US, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH LILY POTTER AND IS YOUNG HARRY THE ILLEGITIMATE RESULT OF YOUR COVERED-UP AFFAIR?"

Although the questions were enough of an irritation and rude invasion of privacy as it was, it seemed the last two in particular were the ones that crossed the line.

"HOW DARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" James bellowed, a red mist enveloping his senses.

As a white-hot rage engulfed him, the man seized the nearest reporter by the front of his robes, lifted him high into the air and flung him backwards mightily into his comrades in arms, knocking them over like bowling pins.

"INSANE?" James screamed as he yanked out his wand, practically frothing at the mouth, "I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S INSANE! AND HOW DARE YOU INSULT LILY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK HER NAME!"

Sirius grabbed his friend's wand-hand, and hissed in his ear, "Prongs, calm down! It's their job to ask shameless questions! Besides, this is just the type of response they want! You to act like some deranged cave man and your picture of you mauling them on the cover of the newspaper tomorrow, so they can then question the reliability of leaving Harry in your care!"

James appeared to calm down at the possibility of Harry being taken away from him, and stood panting heavily, glaring daggers at the fallen reporters in front of him, wanting nothing more than to turn them all into mince meat.

"Fine," he spat, gripping his wand so hard that it was in danger of cracking, "What should I do?"

"Look, take Harry and try to find a back exit. Me and Remus will hold off these blokes and teach them some manners!" Sirius grinned roguishly.

"Right," James nodded, turning to his son and grasping by the hand, "Harry, come with me!"

Sirius and Remus watched the two disappear down the tea and spices aisle, before returning their focus to the reporters who had finally managed to extricate themselves from the tangled heap and stand to their feet, eyeing the two wizards in front of them warily.

"All right," Sirius began, lazily flicking his wand between his fingers, "Which of you old geezers made that little retort about Lily and myself?"

His wand shot out red and gold sparks violently.

The reporters gulped as one.

There was a flash of green fire suddenly, as one last reporter made her late arrival.

"Oh my, oh my," Rita Skeeter tsked, brushing Floo powder off her bright purple suit and adjusted her horn-rimmed glasses, "Hope I haven't missed anything."

The platinum blonde was delighted upon seeing who was detaining the others from tailing their prey, "Ah! Wonderful! Just who I wanted to see!"

Her Quick-Quotes Quill at ready, the woman strolled over to Sirius and Remus with ill-concealed eagerness, smiling her fuchsia lipstick-smeared lips widely. Sirius rather thought she resembled a plum.

His lips curled up in distaste. He always had hated plums.

"I have been wanting to ask you two this question for the longest time," Rita Skeeter stated, stopping just in front of the two wizards, her fuchsia smile seeming like one of a crocodile's.

Sirius had a horrible foreboding feeling just then.

"Mr. Black," Rita Skeeter asked in breathy anticipation, "Are you or are you not involved in a sexual relationship with Remus Lupin?"

Sirius gaped at the woman, well aware of Remus choking in shock next to him.

There were several moments of silence before he could finally manage to find his voice.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Sirius screamed, spit flying out of his mouth and his face changing as purple as Rita's plum outfit.

"Oh, is that a no?" Rita Skeeter purred, appearing excited at the prospect, "Well then, tell me, Mr. Black…what kind of women are you interested in seeing?"

And the woman placed her hand on his chest and ran it smoothly over it.

In the next few chaotic moments of flying curses and hexes, with Sirius attempting to slice Rita Skeeter into as many pieces as possible; with Remus shouting and trying to get him to halt; and with Rita's Quick-Quotes Quill scribbling madly, with the woman positively thrilled at the outcome of her question; the rest of the reporters and photographers managed to escape and swiftly catch scent of their prey.

oOoOoOo

"DAD, THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US!" Harry cried as he chanced a glance over his shoulder at the reporters who were gaining.

"OH NO THEY'RE NOT!" James roared, picking Harry up and throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of grain, "I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE OF THEIR RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS!"

With that assessment, the man flicked his wand at the vegetable stand they were passing and in the next instant, the vegetables had sprung to life and had launched themselves through the air, landing on the reporters and viciously biting them.

The last Harry saw of them, they were howling and shrieking like banshees and twirling madly about like ballerinas.

James continued to run until he was absolutely certain that no one was following them. Then he set Harry down, placed his hands on his hips and began laughing maniacally to the grocery store's ceiling.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THOUGHT YOU HAD US OFFED, DID YOU? YOU'LL HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT NEXT TIME! WE HAVE SURVIVED! HAHA! POO TO YOU, I SAY! POO TO YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Who is he talking to and do I really want to know? Harry though, breaking into a nervous sweat.

"You poor dear," he heard someone say, and turned to see a wizened old lady standing behind a sample table, "Having a crazy father. Here, have one."

She offered him a sample of what she was advertising.

Even Harry had been alone, he knew his father would have popped out of nowhere and gone ballistic. So, why on earth should things be any different when the man was standing not two feet away?

"AH! DEATH EATER! GET AWAY FROM MY SON!" James screamed, snatching Harry up and placing him safely behind him, "RUN, HARRY! SHE'S TRYING TO LURE US INTO A FLASE SENSE OF SECURITY!"

Harry's break-out of sweat increased as he was aware of the customers shopping nearby, halting to watch the mad fiasco.

"She's just a harmless old lady, Dad," he tried to get his father to listen to reason.

"NOT SO!" James vehemently denied, "REMEMBER SNOW WHITE'S EVIL STEPMOTHER AND THE POISIONED APPLE! YOU OLD HAG, YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THAT, DIDN'T YOU?"

James drew out his wand for the umpteenth time and began firing angry hexes, "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I THINK OF PEOPLE WHO TRY AND HURT MY SON!"

For one so wizened and old, the lady could sure run fast.

"CRAZY, INSANE MADMAN!" she exclaimed, rushing through the store, "HELP! AURORS, HELP!"

"OI! I WAS AN AUROR FOR A GOOD LONG WHILE!" James cried, chasing after her, "COME BACK, COWARD AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

And that was how Remus found everyone: Sirius and James held in the custody of Aurors for "being a harm to the safety of innocent civilians" while they told their tales of woe and vows of revenge; the wizened old lady hiding shakily behind Kingsley Shacklebolt; Rita Skeeter positively drooling with joy for discovering-or rather, creating-such a good story; and poor Harry hiding off in a corner, banging his head against the wall and repeating to himself, "I do not know him…I do not know him…I do not know him…".

oOoOoOo

"So," James said to his son, when they had finally returned back to his place, after being detained for several long hours at the Ministry, "I suppose you don't want to go with me to Gringotts to take out some money to pay the damage I caused the store?"

There was a mad pounding of feet as Harry dashed up the stairs, bolted into his room and shut the door with an almighty SLAM!

There was silence for a few seconds, before James turned to Sirius and Remus tearfully and wailed, "MY BABY HATES ME!"

THE END

A/N: This is my first time doing an HP fic. And one for a fanfic of one. I hope you guys read What if? by krazi little aus. It is GREAT! Remember, these may be JK Rowling's characters's but they are krazi little aus's personalities! LOL, please review and tell me your fav parts! Thank you!