Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. The author of this story does not claim any such ownership of Harry Potter. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

A little one shot written for the May challenge at the Yahoo! Group PotterPlace3. The challenge was:

2. Rita Skeeter spies on an intimate moment between Harry and a girl (or woman) of your choice.

Summary: Post Hogwarts, post Voldemort. A dirty trap is set for one sneaky reporter. Add in a touch of political hilarity/stupidity and smut and voila. Has Harry/Susan/Daphne, implied Harry/Fleur, Harry/Gabrielle.

Rating: R on NC-17 elsewhere. Consult my homepage for the full version.


'Dirty' Politics and Paparazzi (Cut Version)


Edited by Yogert


It was hot, way too hot to be sitting indoors. It was the one thousandth something or whatever annual gathering of the British magical government. The minister, his cabinet, the department heads and the entire Wizengamot was there. And Rita couldn't believe she was stuck listening to these ramblings senile men, half of which didn't look like they would make it out the door at the end of the four hours. Just as the self-proclaimed inquisitor extraordinaire was about to give up all hope, the speaker finished. The bespectacled reporter privately muttered a sigh of relief. Sporadic clap came from the speaker's faction but it died almost immediately.

"The chair recognizes the Speaker for the Universalist Coalition, Susan Amelia Bones."

It was as if someone set off a silent bomb in the atrium. The room was instantly attentive as the young woman walked to the podium. Her face was set and cold, her dark brown locks tied up in a tight professional bun.

"Finally." Rita swore she saw several people nearby nod in concordance.

"The purists' grand bill. I have one word for it: 'No', and not just any no, but a bloody fuck NO!"

The quill snapped in Rita's hand. She cursed the ministry's prohibition on using quick quill for formal government sessions. Outraged cries erupted from the right side.

"We forcibly and unequivocally reject ALL components of their bill and denounce their intentions to subject the wizarding world to their personal wills once more. The time has come to throw back the chains the elites have placed on our ability to move forward."

Enthusiastic claps erupted from the left side around where Susan sat.

"In 24 hours, if they still refuse to meet the very minimum demands of our constituency, the muggleborns and halfbloods of our society, my associates and I will demand a vote of 'no confidence' in current government and seek a general council to rewrite the Governance Will of 1675 in its ENTIRETY!"


And then the entire left side of the room exploded in cheers…

The center looked uncertain…

The right looked glum…

And the way far right glared at Susan with murderous eyes.

"Order! ORDER!" It took five minutes for everyone to quiet down.

"The chair recognizes Senior Representative, Lady Daphne Anna Greengrass." A tall statuesque blonde, roughly Susan's age rose. Her piercing sapphire orbs unflinchingly met Susan's hazel ones.

"Need I remind the esteemed speaker that her Universalist Coalition and her allies do not possess the majority needed to actualize a 'no confidence' vote?"

"We are currently short by only one vote." Susan dismissed casually. The right side looked furious at her casual disregard for formality, but could do nothing as the chair seemed to be quite willing to ignore the war hero's minor infraction.

"Not for long. Need I remind you, your coalition, your allies and the rest of this council that our world's hero, Lord Potter, soon to be Lord Greengrass-Potter would be due back soon."

Susan's coalition partners' glow instantly turned into gloom.

Rita couldn't help but smile at that. She was the one, following a lead in Sweden, made that very discovery not too long ago. It became instant news all over the wizarding world.

That news, of course, also shocked quite a few people who didn't know how to come to terms with the idea of Harry Potter being 'married'. Darling Harry, as he was affectionately known, had somewhat of a reputation that didn't exactly fit in the profile of a married man. He was also an avid supporter of various progressive and muggleborn integrationist movements across Europe. So his engagement to the poster girl of the pureblood elites confused the hell out of people.

"Congratulations, Lady Greengrass." The blonde pureblood gave an imperceptible nod.

"Though I could not help but wonder for what reason would your fiancé have for seeking companionship abroad…" Daphne's eyes narrowed.

"Do not be so certain of your fiancé's political stance, my lady. Lord Potter and I were very close friends during the war. With the proper incentives, I'm sure I can convince him of seeing things from my side."

Most of the officials had a gaping open mouth look. Several representatives backed away from the literally seething Lady Greengrass.

Rita had a demonic smile imprinted across her face. She looked upwards as if uttering a prayer of thanks.

Susan ducked out of the way just as a red ball of fire reduced the podium to splinters of wood.


With that all semblance of civilization crumbled.

"Order! ORDER! ORDDDDEEEERRRR!" Needless to say order was not restored. All prospects for a quick, peaceful resolution then ended when the gravel broke. Its head bounced off the tabletop and hit the chair's bald forehead with a resounding boink. The old wizard's face slammed on the table.

After the previous session, it was declared that wands were not allowed to be carried into debate. But being wandless did not stop the rivaling politicians from attacking one another. Two hundred something wizards were even found 'trying' to slug one another. The keyword here was 'trying' denoting the idea of attempting but failing to succeed.

Members of the various political factions had quickly engaged one another in what resembled a series of uncoordinated muggle melees. Alliances were formed and broken in a matter of minutes if not seconds and wars and truces were declared just as quickly… definitely a most fascinating sight for muggle or would be muggle political scientists.

Alas while chaos and lawlessness reigned at the seat of Order and Law for the Wizarding World, a smiling Rita was furiously writing everything done. The only thing she could think of was how she loved it when a day ended well.


Maybe Rita got slightly ahead of herself. Day wasn't quite over… yet.

She was currently tracking a disguised Susan through the back streets of London. A certain private interest had paid her very well to keep an eye out on the prominent speaker. Susan ducked inside one of the doorways. Rita transformed into her animagus form and slipped inside the dimly lit room.

'What do we have here? The great Susan Bones meeting someone?' But no, not someone, a man! Rita smacked her lips at the prospect of fresh news for mass consumption. Ms. Bones was currently unattached despite the efforts of many virile young men and even some women.

"Oh, yes…YES!" And by the looks of things, it wasn't their first rendezvous.

"No, NO foreplay. Just ... yeah!"

Rita watched with (what would have been) open-mouthed shock at the words coming out of one of the most powerful and influential politicians in Britain.

The reporter couldn't help but think that this man was an absolute hunk. Now if she could get close enough to find out who it was…

"That was soooo good! I missed you, Harry." Susan cooed lovingly in a voice that was very different from her debate voice earlier during the day.

'Wait a minute…Harry! As in Harry…' Rita dared not finish the thought. But she didn't need to as the reflection of the lighting outside briefly illuminated the muscular male's forehead. There, dead in the center, was the most famous symbol in the wizarding world, a dark green scar carved into the skin in the shape of a lighting bolt.

'OH… MY… BLOODY…MARY… MOTHER… OF…MERLIN…' Rita was almost sure she was going to hyperventilate.

"I missed you too, Sus. How was your day?" Harry grunted in pleasure as Susan ravenously kissed his neck and chest, lightly messaging and sucking every inch of his toned skin.

"Your bitch of a fiancé attacked me with a fireball. I swear the blonde bimbo's a veela." Susan shrieked as Harry twisted her around and used his body to push her against the wall.

Yep, it's for real then. Harry Potter was cheating on his fiancé. The only way that wasn't going to make headlines was if the day of the apocalypse was at hand.

"How many times have I told you to not call her names?"

"Never! You just said you would punish me." Susan retorted, a naughty glint flashing across her light brown eyes.

Rita had a dilemma. She didn't know if she should use this to write the story of the century or send the memory of this in a pensive to Playwitch. Maybe she could do both.

The reporter licked her lips as she watched the couple carried on with their affair.

On second thought, Rita Skeeter wasn't going to give up her memory of this to anyone. She has heard about Harry's reputation all right. Heck, she was responsible for creating half of them, but bloody hell… the real thing sure was different.

If the stuff the porn industry managed to create was even a fraction as good as this, well, the world would probably be a much less productive place.

Rita instinctively inched forward, trying to get closer to the action.

"Wait… I sense someone!" Susan instantly stopped as Harry dug a hand into her hair. He summoned his wand into his other hand and began sweeping the room.

Rita did not wait. At the first sign of detection, she scrammed out of there like a bat out of hell. She had no intention of being on the receiving end of the wand held by the Destroyer of Dark Lords. But at least, she had the news story of a lifetime.

"She's gone."


Susan's shoulders sagged at Harry's declamation, but Harry was by no means done...

"Hey! That wasn't nice." Susan uttered as they finished up.

Harry gave a throaty laugh as his lover shot him a dark look and retaliated.

"Ah! Hey, watch it!" Harry cried as he pulled away from the clutches of the foul Puff.

"Be good girl and you get this." Stated Harry in Neanderthal terms.

"What if I want to be a bad girl? What do I get then?" The glint was back in her eyes.

"Sticks and whips." Harry returned with an equally evil if not eviler glint in his eyes causing Susan to shudder in anticipation and desire.

"Come on, then. Someone's waiting for us." Without further ado, Harry charmed on some light clothing for the two of them and guided her lover away.


Warded Potter Manor, Coast of the English Channel…

Harry arrived by floo to see his fiancé, Daphne Greengrass, laid splayed out on the large leather sofa; a near naked Daphne Greengrass at that. All she had were white socks and a very short, very sheer nightie.

Giving him a wicked grin, Susan tiptoed up to the resting young woman. Covering her eyes, she whispered to the blonde girl's ear in a husky voice:

"Guess who, little girl?"

Susan's act fooled no one. Daphne most likely recognized who they were the second they entered the residence.

"Harry Hon, is that you?" Harry rolled his eyes.

"Yes, dear. I'm back."

"Oh good, did you screw the little bitch .…Heeyyy!"

"Bitch!" Exclaimed Susan, feigning anger. "That does it! We'll see who the bitch is!" Susan pulled the lying girl off the couch and kneeled over her.

As per her battlefield reputation, Susan was a skilled and vicious fighter and immediately went for Daphne's many tickle zones. The blonde's defenses crumbled almost instantly, but the Hufflepuff was merciless.

"No, wait! NO! Please, Stop! I beg you! NO! UNCLE!"

"That not it." Susan answered in a teasing tone all the while grinning sadistically as she ripped apart the other woman's thin lingerie.

Harry shook his head as he watched his beautiful 'mistress' molest his gorgeous 'fiancé'. 'What have I created?'

"OK! Fine! Mistress, MISTRESS! I'm your bitch! I'm your BITCH! JUST STOP! Please…"

Finally satisfied, a triumphant Susan relented at last as she stood over the cowed Slytherin princess. The Hufflepuff watched indulgently as her wheezing and shaking prey crawled behind Harry's legs for protection. Harry might have been concerned had he not been witness to such 'play scenes' before and had not seen the hidden smile Daphne wore.

"Aw… is Susan being mean again?" Adopting the hurt child persona Daphne nodded, causing tuffs of her platinum mane to bounce. Mesmerized, Harry stroked her smooth, silky all natural hair. Personally, he thought the whole high-class fashion things (if not fashion in general) to be a pain in the ass sometimes. But it did have its benefit. Susan's hand then joined his in stroking the sexualized Slytherin.

"You are going to spoil her, Harry."

"What's wrong with being spoiled?" Daphne asked archly after she turned around. Susan only smiled while thrusting her hips forward.

Daphne's blue eyes widened. Harry frowned.

"Where did you get that?"

"Under the couch." Susan responded.

"You leave your toys lying around in MY house?"

"Oh hush, love. It's not like you ever bring over anyone else over." Susan laughed while Harry found himself without an appropriate response to Daphne's rationale.

"It's the principle of the matter."

"Oh stop whining and perform your fiancé duties or what not." Harry gave Susan a curious look. He swore that the girl was PMSing given how quickly she switched from being the bottom just an hour ago to being the top, or at least one of the tops. Still, he wasn't going to question about her 'order'. Harry moved to take his place behind his fiancé.

"Oh wait! Harry, WAIT!"

"What!" Daphne lightly pushed him away, gingerly turning herself around so that she had her back facing Susan.

"I can't handle that" Daphne stated. "… back there today." She then looked over her shoulders.

"I'm not that bad."

"No but you are that big. I have to host the reception for the Pureblood Congress later tonight. You seen the kind of dress I need to wear. There's no way I would be able to walk without being conspicuous if we do it that way."

"Ah." Susan nodded in understanding.

"How come I wasn't told? And shouldn't I be there?" Harry asked in concern.

"Kind of late for that. If you recall what we did and how quickly Skeeter can spread information." Susan answered with a chuckle.

"Darling Harry, I love you." Daphne answered, her sapphire eyes twinkling with amusement. "But don't you remember the last private pureblood party you went to?"

"Not really, why?"

"You knocked out two of the senior members, challenged half a dozen more to duels to the death and scared the living shit out of everyone else."

"They insulted my mother!" Not exactly, someone made a disparaging remark about a muggleborn. Harry, taking it as an insult on his own ancestry, naturally felt compelled to defend his mother's honor.

Susan snorted in laughter and had to lean against Daphne to keep from falling. The blonde rested the urge to squeal.

"Someone's ready." Susan chuckled.

Given their precarious upright position, Harry tried very, very hard to resist his natural urges.

"Ladies, wait, we need to get to a bed." Alas, the girls were way gone already.

'Oh, bloody hell.'


Harry really didn't know how they managed to get themselves to a bed, much less how they did all that, showered and then changed all in less than two hours. Seriously, if they ever had an erotithalon, he and his girls would get the gold, silver and bronze, no question about it. Well, that is depending on if any of his other girls would be in it or not. Speaking of other girls…

The fireplace glowed green as Daphne Greengrass walked into the room as the very model of wizarding aristocracy. Neat tailored robes, silky long platinum hair pulled in a perfect French braid, a pair of the most beautiful ever diamond studs hung from her ear lobs, and a touch of mascara that accentuated her perfect creamy complexion. And she wasn't limping, which was very fortunate given the nature of her evening plans.

The image of a beautiful veela appeared in the fireplace.

"'ello 'arry. 'ello girls."

"Salute, Fleur."

"The accent?" Harry asked. The part veela in the fireplace blushed.

"Sorry, old habit. Olala, Daphne, you look très fantastique." Daphne smiled congenially.

"Everything has been cleared and ready, Darling Harry." Harry winced as his girls laughed. "You will floo to a private Delacour estate on the coast of Normandy. From there, your will first portkey to Strasbourg, then to Sofia, Bulgaria and finally to St. Petersburg. The entire trip will be untraceable. Your alibi in Russia is that you have been there the entire week, enjoying a celebration held in your honor."

"Excellent. Daphne, were the appropriate money deposits made?"

The Slytherin woman nodded. "The same day that I publicly denounced the 'atrocities' committed by Susan's Hufflepuff Fidelis Vanguard during the Second Dark Lord's War."

"30,000 galleons to a Daily Prophet bank account; and another 10,000 to the personal account of one Rita Skeeter. The ministry audit team, which includes three of Susan's coalition muggleborns should have no problem finding the paper trails linking them to a subsidiary of the Pureblood Foundation of the United Kingdom."

Harry smiled.

"I can't believe you girls are using Harry as the center of your groups' political conflict." Fleur said with amusement.

"Well, we realized we didn't have the outright support to do what we needed. Even though we have supporters on both sides, the British magical political arena is currently too polarized to work together. So, like Harry said, if you can't beat them, join them, or better yet, install yourself as their leader."

"…and control the conflict from both sides."

"Exactly, when the public realizes Harry's actually supposedly thousands of miles way. Both sides are going to accuse each other of deception and fraud. We can use this opportunity to sympathy support and solidify our respective positions as leaders of our own coalitions." Daphne explained.

Fleur laughed aloud.

"Bravo! That is absolutely devious! And just before all hell breaks loose…"

"Harry would return to his home country." Susan said.

"Surprised, shocked and deeply offended, I would firmly demand that both sides enter new negotiations. Both sides would naturally send Susan and Daphne with broad powers, each hoping to win me over. To most people, a civil war, though undesirable, would seem inevitable. But miraculously, after much sweat and toil, the two ladies would somehow manage to overcome their differences and hammer out an 11th hour compromise."

Susan snickered at the private joke

"And the country would hail the girls as heroines of peace, non?" The two females nodded at the veela.

"Even in the worst scenario, we believe our combined coalition would still get the support of at least 70 of the government and 85 of the public. That is excluding whatever effect Harry's support would have." Daphne interjected.

"With that kind of numbers, we can then easily jettison the more radical and hawkish members of our parties. They'll be helpless as if they tried to instigate conflict themselves, they would only be marginalized further." Susan added.

"After all this, I would, of course, sue the hell out of the Daily Prophet and the reporter responsible for accusing me of being unfaithful." The ladies had a good laugh over this. "… The government would also launch a formal investigation of the Daily Prophet, finding it and its reporter at fault for sedition, political slander and inciting hate violence."

"Peace and prosperity in the Magical Isles, elimination of the slanderous Daily Prophet and the imprisonment of that blasted Skeeter… All in one masterful stroke." Fleur gave a polite golf clap at Harry's little speech.

"Long history with that woman?"

"Very, very long. Ask me another time." Fleur nodded in understanding.

"You guys are truly amazing!"

"Hey, to be honest, Fleur, it's all the girls this time around. I didn't do anything." Harry answered dismissively, but a hail of protest cut him off.

"Like hell you didn't. Stop being so humble, Harry. None of us could even imagine of being where we are now, doing what we do if it wasn't for you." Fleur giggled as Daphne covered her fiancé with hot, wet kisses. At that moment, all three shared one thought: Here was the finest male specimen in all the lands. It was almost a shame that so few people would ever learn of the miracles, big and small, this extraordinary wizard managed to work.

"I suppose I better go then. Remember! You two's safety is my number one priority! You two were the best I had during the Voldemort war years, but there is always the danger of random violence. Deploy your old groups, the Hufflepuff Vanguard and the Slytherin Crimson Daggers if you need to."

"Also remember that I love you."

Harry embraced his two girls tightly. And they each gave him a passionate kiss.


"Ready when you are, Harry Darling."

Harry winced at the darling comment causing all three women to giggle once again.

"Have fun in St. Petersburg." Harry stopped mid-step and whirled around at Daphne, and then to a smiling Fleur.

"Gabrielle is there waiting for you."

Harry made a noise that sounded like a cross between a groan and a mumble.

"Don't worry, I told her to take it easy this time." The famous wizard mumbled again causing gales of laughter to erupt out from Susan and Daphne. Fleur continued to smile congenially.

"You ladies better take off soon too. I suspect our friend at the Prophet would have something out very shortly." Harry muttered before he disappeared through the fireplace.

"Hmm, wonder what he meant by that. The story wouldn't be made public until tomorrow morning. But I suppose we should go. Best of luck to your father's campaign, Fleur. But as he is one of Harry's closest allies, I don't think he needs much of that." Susan said.

"Never hurt, but you are most likely right. That one guy did receive 85 of the vote by campaigning on the single of being the Harry Potter approved candidate."

The girls shared one last round of laughter.

"Bon chance, Fleur. Love you, dear. Come visit sometime when things quiet down."

The part veela smiled coquettishly.

"Definitely especially when Harry's around. Love you two too! Take care!"

The two women were about to close up when an owl flew into the room, dropping a newspaper onto the ground. Daphne picked it up and placed it over the coffee table.




By Rita Skeeter

Page 2… All the juicy details

Page 3… Ms. Bones and Ms. Greengrass's history with savoir, billionaire, and philanthropist, Lord Harry James Potter.

Page 7… All about Susan Bones, war general and heroine, Leader of the Universalist Coalition

Page 9… All about Lord Potter's fiancé, Daphne Greengrass, so called Pureblood Princess, Heiress of the Greengrass Finance Conglomerate

Page 12… Rivalry between Bones and Greengrass, on and off the political arena


Susan and Daphne looked at each other, sharing two thoughts. One: that was bloody fast! And two, how the bloody hell did Harry know?

"Evening edition?"

"Bloody prophet and bloody woman. I can't wait until we can put both of them away. We better go do some damage control. We don't want this to blow up too quick." Daphne suggested. Susan nodded in agreement.

"Good luck."

"You too. See you soon, I hope." Susan returned.

The blonde woman reached over, pulling the former Hufflepuff into a sizzling kiss.

"You betcha, especially when we don't know how long it's going to be before that Delacour girl let go of him."

The two beauties happily bid each other good-bye before disappearing from Lord Potter's British residence¸ ready to assume their public roles as political enemies once again.


Hope you enjoyed that. It's a lot lighter than what I usually do. Some of the political stuff is downright stupid, I know, but hopefully funny as well.