My original Mary Sue spoof was removed from because it contained a list. (I know, I know…) This, of course, put poor Mary back on the brain and I realized that no one was better suited than she to help resolve the many dilemmas left at the end of book six.
So, more resilient than a cockroach, she has returned and I give you...
"MARY SUE SAVES THE DAY: AN EIGHT AND A HALF PAGE ODDESSY"
Fleur looked magnificent, of course. How could she help it? The Tiara from the Weasley's aunt twinkled in her silvery hair as she floated down the aisle in what seemed to be a diaphanous cloud. Even Bill looked handsome. True, his ravaged face would forever bear the marks of his fight with Greyback, but something about his bearing made him handsome despite it all.
Of course, Harry only had eyes for Ginny as she and Fleur's sister, Gabrielle, followed in the bride's wake. Fleur had chosen a rich emerald green for the bridesmaid gowns. The color flattered both girl's pale complexions as well as Ginny's flaming red and Gabi's pale blonde hair. Oh yes, the wedding party was stunning.
Despite his infatuation with Ginny's appearance the ever-vigilant Harry could not help but notice the click of the church doors as they opened and closed mere moments into the ceremony. His hand gripped the wand in his robes as his head whipped around to be sure the new arrival was not an enemy but simply a late-comer. Of course, once he caught sight of the new arrival he found himself not caring if she was an enemy, after all.
As Harry viewed the willowy young woman standing just inside the doors he suddenly understood the meaning of the term "breathtaking," for he suddenly could not breathe. Her rich auburn tresses made Ginny's hair shade look cartoonish; her lavender dress made the wedding party gowns look tasteless; and her face… Well, Harry felt it fortunate Fleur's back was to the congregation. If she were to catch sight of this vision she would surely turn an envious shade to match her bridesmaid's gowns.
The newcomer caught Harry's eye and gave him a small knowing smile before slipping into a pew and out of sight behind an elderly witch in a hat so large it probably required its own transportation to the wedding. Deprived of this vision, Harry turned to whisper to Hermione but, to his astonishment, the spot on the pew where she had been a split-second earlier was empty.
"Ron!" Harry hissed, "Where's Hermione?"
Harry's friend turned from gaping at the back of the church where the new guest had just disappeared.
"Who?" Ron croaked.
"Hermione!" Harry hissed back, "She was sitting between us a second ago. Where is she?"
"Dunno," said Ron, unconcerned, "Hermione just… went away, I suppose. Probably about the time SHE walked in," Ron said, again turning to gaze longingly at the back of the church.
Harry, too, found his attention being drawn to the beautiful girl who had just arrived. "So," he whispered, forgetting about Hermione, "You saw her too?"
That was the last time any male of the species mentioned Hermione's name, let alone thought about her. Indeed, if the story had not been set at the wedding, you can be sure Fleur and Ginny would also have simply faded away. As it was, their presence would be necessary – at least through the reception. Speaking of which…
The rest of the wedding passed in a haze and Harry walked to the reception as if in a dream, his mind on only one thing: the mysterious new guest. Given the likelihood of his dying young, Harry had resolved to avoid wasting time whenever possible. He therefore headed immediately for the lavender-clad beauty, pushing through the crowd of admiring males that had formed around her.
She smiled warmly at him, her insert favorite eye colour here eyes twinkling warmly as she beheld him.
"Hello, You must be Harry Potter," she said in musical tones, "I'm Mary Sue." She then extended a graceful hand to take Harry's. His adolescent hormones dropped into overdrive at this physical contact so that Harry could not think what to say.
"Perhaps," Mary Sue purred, "You and I could go for a stroll and get to know one another better?"
Harry nodded dumbly and let himself be led away.
"You know, Harry," she said in a chastising tone once they were alone, "it really is foolish for you, of all people, to simply go walking off with a stranger."
"I know," He rasped, "but… somehow… somehow I knew I'd be safe with you, Mary-Sue."
"Well," she allowed, "fortunately, that is true. Luckily for you, I've come all the way from America to save the day. Frankly, I would have arrived at Hogwarts in the fall and been sorted and all that but that Rowling woman went and killed off Dumbledore so there didn't seem to be much point."
"Tell me about it," Harry added ruefully, "I mean, you had to figure she would snuff him what with all that 'we'll be alright so long as we have Dumbledore' jawing she did. But, still, she could have at least left me with a manageable workload without him. I don't know how she thinks I can find and destroy all the remaining Horcrux AND kill Voldemort all in one book."
"Yes," she sighed, "It was shortsighted of her, especially considering you don't even know what one of them is. That's why I decided to come over early to help you." Mary Sue opened her perfectly coordinated lavender bag and pulled out a parchment scroll tied with a satin ribbon also coordinated to match her dress.
"Here," she said, handing it to Harry, "This should expedite things."
Harry slipped the ribbon off, unrolled the parchment, and gasped. Written across it in beautiful script with little hearts instead of dots over the lowercase letters 'I' was a list.
Location of the Seven Parts of Voldemort's Soul:
Voldemort's body - presently at Pemberly Manor, Derbyshire
Nagini, The Snake - Pemberly Manor, Derbyshire
Hufflepuff's Bowl – "Ancient Silverware" exhibit, Victoria & Albert, London
Ravenclaw's Charm Bracelet – Tiffany & Co., New York, NY, USA
Riddle's Diary (destroyed)
Slytherin's Ring (destroyed)
Slytherin's locket – Around Mary-Sue's exquisite neck
"What? You?" Harry stammered, "How did you get this? How do you know it's right?"
"Well," Mary Sue drawled, "I've enchanted the parchment to show Voldemort and Nagni's current location at all times. Oh, look, you can see for yourself!"
Sure enough, the script on the first two items of the list had begun to move and re-form. Next to Nagini's name the writing now read "Rat infested field due east of Pemberly Manor, Derbyshire" and next to Voldemort's the legend was "Rural delivery post box, Darcy Lane, Southern border of Pemberly Manor estate, Derbyshire."
Harry looked up in amazement at Mary Sue who smiled and said "His post is delievered around three."
Harry gaped let's face it, what else could he do? Then, with unaccustomed boldness, he moved trembling fingers to brush Mary Sue's luxuriant locks of hair back over her shoulder. Sure enough, a heavy golden locket glinted on the thick chain around her neck, framed perfectly by the princess neckline of her dress.
"I, uh," Harry stammered, "I thought the chain was longer."
"Oh, that," Mary Sue said, dismissively, "I had it shortened to go better with this outfit. Speaking of which, you don't mind waiting until after the reception to destroy this Horcrux do you? I coordinated all my jewelry to match and it would simply ruin the effect."
"Uhm, yes, of course…" Harry murmured, "But, say, how did you come to have-"
"The locket?" Mary Sue supplied. "Well, I suppose you'll understand when I show you this." She then lifted the locket and pressed a small clasp. The locket fell open in her hand and she showed him what was inside.
On one side an old photograph of Tom Riddle had been fitted. On the other, a photo Mary Sue smiled out at him. Mary Sue twisted the locket to view the images herself. "I really don't like this photo of me, but Voldie said it was his favorite. Since he got to pick my photo, he let me pick his. I know it's an old one but, let's face it, any one more recent would have cracked the locket. Have you SEEN him lately?"
Harry realized that, logically, he should be alarmed that his companion apparently had a close personal relationship with his mortal enemy. But, hang it all, all he could feel was jealously.
"You mean to tell me that you and … and HE are-?"
"Oh no," Mary Sue laughed, "We broke up. He was very upset of course. That's why he gave me the locket, I suppose."
"You left him and he gave you a piece of his soul as a going away gift?" Harry asked, incredulous.
"Well, he said I might as well have it since I'd stolen his heart. I thought that was a bit trite but I appreciated the sentiment. After all, I'm very sensitive. Oh, Harry, don't be jealous. Voldie and I are through and now I've come to help you save the Wizarding world as we know it!"
Harry opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by a red-headed blur erupting from the bushes coming straight at him. He felt himself being slammed in the chest and knocked to the ground. Ron was on top of him, roaring something incomprehensible about Harry and Mary Sue.
"Ron!" Harry shouted, "Get off!"
"Ron, please!" Mary Sue added, "You'll muss his dress robes!"
Ron would not listen, so Mary Sue got out her wand and gave it a little flick. In an instant Ron and Harry were sitting on a nearby stone bench, both spotless.
"There, that's better," she said.
"But Mary Sue…," Ron whinged, "I'm hopelessly in love with you. I'm even willing to kill Harry and let the Wizarding world go to hell in order to have you!"
"Thanks" Harry deadpanned.
"Well, I do appreciate that," Mary Sue said, reasonably, "But what about Hermione?"
"Oh, that's right, female characters do tend to evaporate around me. Hmmmmm…. Perhaps you'd like one of my Raven or Flaxen-haired friends from America or, just for the heck of it, Canada?"
Ron, who long ago accepted his "second best to Harry" status looked hopeful.
"Very well," Mary Sue said warming to the task, "Let's say Raven-Haired, violet-eyed, three inches shorter than you, 'Barbie' doll figure, and from…. Vancouver, BC." She gave her wand a lazy flick and a young woman second in beauty only to Mary Sue appeared.
"This is Peggy Sue," Mary Sue said, "She's my best friend, unicorns love her, and Dumbledore tried to lure her to Hogwarts last year when I turned down his scholarship offer. Oh, speaking of Dumbledore, did I mention that I'm probably his niece or Snape's daughter? No? Well, never mind."
With that she took Harry's hand and pulled him from the bench so Peggy Sue could join Ron while she walked Harry back to the reception.
"I hope you don't mind," Mary Sue said to Harry, "but I thought I'd just catch the bouquet before we left to go get rid of those pesky Horcrux."
As it happened, Mary Sue did not need to catch the bouquet. The minute she and Harry re-entered the reception Bill handed it to her explaining that every woman at the reception under thirty had run off weeping when they saw her coming down the path. Harry made some pointed comments about this meaning she was next to be wed but Mary Sue remained coy
"Well," Harry said later much later, "I suppose it's off to London to the V&A to take care of that bowl? I suppose we'll need floo powder or a port key?"
"Oh no!" Mary Sue, laughed, "If we go that way I can't show off my superior broom-riding skills. Once you see how well I fly you'll be more enchanted with me than ever. You'll also start to realize that I, alone among women, am a match for you. Really, Harry, do try and stick to the formula!"
"Sorry!" he said, sheepish.
Suffice it to say Mary Sue rode a broom with such superior skill that, comparatively, Harry looked like Neville Longbottom on his first ride. Please also note that the wind caused her hair to flow back like chestnut waves from her porcelin face, her eyes sparkled reflecting the starlight, and her cheeks glowed in the cool air. Now…
They touched down lightly on the roof of the Victoria and Albert Museum, the lights of London glittering romantically below them. As they gazed longingly at each other, Harry leaned in to kiss Mary Sue but she pulled back.
"Harry, no! We have to focus on the Horcrux. How are we to get it with all the museum security and the dastardly spells Voldie is sure to have cast?"
"Oh, well," Harry said, "I was so emasculated by your being better at doing the one thing I'm best at – broom riding that is – that the author decided to let me solve this little problem."
"Oh, how sweet, that will just give me enough time to gaze at myself in my compact mirror and realize that makeup would only mar my perfection."
"Alright then," Harry said, taking out his wand, "Accio Hufflebowl!"
At first there was nothing but silence, then the sound of breaking glass, the claxon of an alarm, and the sound of more breaking glass. Suddenly a shining object came arcing over the edge of the roof. Still gazing in the mirror, Mary Sue reached out a hand and caught it expertly.
Mary Sue smiled at Harry, stowed the bowl in her clutch, and mounted her broom. Harry did likewise and they set off for Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. They rushed through the front door, setting off the portrait of Sirius Black's mother. The portrait's screeching filled the house with almost unbearable noise. Harry tried to apologize to Mary Sue, but could not make himself heard over the din. Mary Sue simply smiled, took out her wand and waved it at the portrait. Silence fell immediately. Harry gazed in wonder at the portrait and noted, to his surprise, that the woman within it was still gesturing angrily but she no longer had a mouth. This seemed to only increase her anger, but without the mouth, there wasn't much she could do about it.
"Thanks, Mary Sue – we've been trying to shut her up for ages," Harry said, "But, tell me, how are we going to destroy Hufflepuff's bowl?"
"Hmmmm," mused Mary Sue, "Cheap silver polish?"
"Better yet," Harry said, "How about Brass Polish? Mrs. Weasley left some in the cabinet in the parlor."
The Brass polish destroyed the bowl, just as they planned. Harry and Mary Sue then made their way across the Atlantic to retrieve the charm bracelet.
As they strolled, arm in arm, into Tiffany & Co. Jewelers, Harry couldn't help asking, "Why do you suppose Voldemort hid it in America?"
"Well," Mary Sue said, "Perhaps it's because this is my favorite jewelry store. You know, they have stunning engagement rings…"
Harry and Mary Sue left a short time later with the charm bracelet gift wrapped and a 3 carat diamond solitare on Mary Sue's left ring finger.
"So, how do we destroy the jewelry?" Harry asked.
"Pair it with a bad outfit?" mused Mary Sue.
"I don't know, would that really destroy it?"
"Well it's worth a try,' Mary Sue reasoned, "And this city is probably full of drag queens…"
Unfortunately, though the jewelry clashed terribly with the outfit of a rather creative cross dresser, it failed to destroy either peice. As luck would have it, however, a snide remark by a homeless person gave them the idea of dropping the jewelry into the East River. Both pieces dissolved on contact with the water. Harry and Mary Sue then made their way to Derbyshire to confront Voldie and Nagini. Getting into the house was not a problem since it is open to the public. Harry and Mary Sue simply waited for the opportune moment and wandered away from their tour group.
"How do we find him in this place?" Harry whispered, "It's massive."
"Take out the list," Mary Sue hissed back, "maybe it says where he is."
Harry took out the parchment and gazed at the first two items on the list:
Voldemort's body – Hey, I already told you he's here. Do the rest of the work, yourself
Nagini The Snake – See above notation
Harry looked at Mary Sue with reproach. She shrugged and said, "Being perfect is hard work, cut me some slack, would you?"
"Fine," he replied testily, "we'll just have to search the place."
"Or," came a silky, threatening voice, "You could just leave, couldn't you Mr. Potter?"
"Snape!" Harry cried as he whipped out his wand only to see Severus Snape's wand leveled directly at him.
"Well, well, I see you come to deal with Voldemort with about as much preparation as you put into your schoolwork," Snape sneered.
"I'm better prepared than you know," Harry shot back.
"He is!" Mary Sue said, stepping forward in an attempt to shield Harry with her own body.
"Oh Lord, she's not AMERICAN is she?" Snape asked Harry in horrified tones.
"I'm afraid so," Harry said, "But I don't care if she is! I love her and we shall be married just as soon as I kill you and polish off Voldemort. So, where is he, anyway?"
"Tut, tut, Mr. Potter," Snape hissed, "I wouldn't be so eager to kill me because, quite frankly, I have some information you'll need if you are to have any hope of destroying the Dark Lord. You cannot hope to simply wave your wand at him and kill him, you know."
"I beg to differ,"
Harry said, "Once I've killed that stupid snake I CAN just wave
my wand at him and kill him."
"The snake? What do you mean, Potter?"
"I know about the Horcruxes. Thanks to Mary Sue, I've located and destroyed all of them except Nagini."
Snape turned furious eyes on Mary Sue, "You… You…"
Mary Sue smiled sweetly, "I gave him a list of the Horcrux and their locations."
"You BH!" Snape screeched, "I was supposed to locate them for Potter! Now how am I supposed to prove that I was on the right side all along?"
"Whoops!" Mary Sue giggled, "My Bad"
"Well, this is just spiffing!" Snape growled, "That Rowling harpie has really left me in a fix. How am I supposed to redeem myself now?"
"Well," said Harry, philosophically, "You could just resign yourself to being evil."
"No, no, that won't work," Snape said waving a hand dismissively, "I've already bought a small farm with an apiary from this ancient old consulting detective – I swear he must be a hundred and sixty. I'm going to enjoy a retirement, dt!"
"Well," Mary Sue interjected sweetly, "You could redeem yourself by leading us to Voldie and killing Nagini before he knows what's going on."
"That would do it for me," Harry agreed.
Snape did indeed lead Mary Sue and Harry to Voldemort. He told old Voldie he had a surprise and opened the door to let Harry in. A split-second later he zapped the snake with Avada Kedavra which, of course, alerted Voldemort to the fact that Snape was NOT, in fact, on his side. A fierce three-to-one duel broke out and went on for some time. You know how it goes: curses being flung to and fro, breaking objects when they miss a person, etc., etc. As we rejoin the story Snape has been knocked unconscious and Harry and Voldie are locked in a fierce battle. The Dark Lord has gained the upper hand and is pressing his advantage.
Harry felt his responses slowing as time seemed to expand and stretch out before him each second passing in interminable slowness. He saw Voldemort pull his wand back but, even before he could open his own mouth to utter an incantation, a jet of purple light was streaking from Voldemort's wand toward his chest.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Mary Sue as the light began to erupt. Then, before Harry could even think or feel anything she was diving in front of him in the path of the curse. Harry's wits returned suddenly and he screamed "Avada Kedavra" as he pointed his wand at Voldemort above Mary Sue.
Voldemort's howl of rage was cut off as he was enveloped in green light and fell, lifeless, to the floor. But his was not the only body to come crashing into the floor for Mary Sue fell, gasping for breath, at nearly the same moment. A moment ago, time was passing in slow motion but now it seemed to be on fast forward as the colour drained from Mary Sue's face.
"No," Harry whispered as he fell to his knees and gathered her to him, "Mary Sue, you'll be alright! You have to be alright!" But even as he spoke Harry could feel the life draining away from his beloved.
"Oh, Harry, I did it for you, you know," she whispered.
"But why, why did you? Why for me?" Harry sobbed.
"Well," Mary Sue said, philosophically, "Mostly I did it because it's my literary destiny, my purpose in life, really. Of course, I could have been gravely wounded, then nearly die only to come to life in time to comfort your distraught self in my hospital room."
"Oh yes," Harry sobbed, "Let's do that. Is there a wizard 911 we can call?"
"No, no, my love," Mary Sue said, smiling weakly and reaching up to stroke Harry's cheek, "the author is tired of this little story. She enjoys mocking me but she's had enough so I need to die."
Harry looked up from the computer screen at the woman typing at the keyboard, "You BH! How could you!"
"Wow, two BH's in one story," the author said, "I usually try to avoid that term entirely…"
"Well that makes three," Harry snarled, "it will be four if you don't give Mary Sue a miraculous recovery."
The Author paused, considering. Finally she sighed and began to type again
"Harry, Harry!" Mary Sue called, "Harry, I can't see you!"
"I'm right here," He said, drawing her into an even closer embrace.
"Oh, Harry, it's so cold," she said, working to meet the five cliché minimum for a Mary Sue Death Scene.
"I'll keep you warm, my love," Harry whispered desperately.
"I… love… you," she said as Harry lowered his lips to meet hers. Even as he did so, he felt the life leave her.
Having met the five cliché minimum by this point, there was really no need for Harry to say anything, so he simply indulged in heart-rending sobs until his nose got really runny and he had to stop and blow it.
Snape lived happily ever after as a beekeeper on the Sussex Downs
Voldemort's lifeless head was severed from his body. After stuffing his mouth with garlic and putting a silver stake through what passed for a heart, the body and head were buried in different locations.
Although everyone else found Peggy Sue vapid and annoying, Ron's infatuation never waned and they were married in a lavishly tacky ceremony
Harry sued the author for Mary Sue's wrongful death. The judge immediately dismissed the case citing the fact that Mary Sue never truly dies and, therefore, no one can be held responsible for killing her.
Hermione was never heard from again.