Dude, You Suck and I Like the Other Dude (Laying Down the Ante)

WARNING: Just as a heads up, there will be a slight reference to the fanfic "Break Me" in this chapter. See if you can catch it.

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How hard could it be...to make her love me?

This was the one question that nagged at Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc's brain ever since high school. He never really cared if a girl was able to love him or not (with the exception of his mother), but it was just one of those questions that needed experience in order to figure out.

He tried on numerous occasions to hook up with a higher up, that is, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, but he figured that getting threatened at gunpoint probably wouldn't end up being the best of relationships. He didn't even find her all that attractive--she never wore makeup and she never once wore her hair differently--but something inside of him always made him ask her on a date.

And what of the colonel? He and Roy Mustang had always been somewhat of opposing competitors when it came to women. Havoc just couldn't understand it, but unlike him, women seemed to swarm at Mustang's feet, begging for a date. Havoc himself never had anyone so dramatic and demanding towards him, but then again, it didn't bother him as much as his colleagues seemed to believe; the only time it ever really meant something to him was when Mustang was around. Of course, it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he was trying to impress his superior officer... No, no, of course not.

Mustang on the other hand, didn't even need to try to get women to notice him; his looks were flawless, and if Havoc dared to say so, he was stunningly handsome. He could be leaving his office after an all-nighter, looking completely dead and out of it (just horrid, in Havoc's eyes), but the colonel would never cease to impress some female officer. Just the thought of Mustang looking so...distgusting made him shudder.

But still, no matter how much he hated that about Mustang, he would always remain loyal to him. He would collect his paperwork, answer the phone, and was constantly being reminded by his commanding officer just how he stacked up to him.

"Lieutenant Havoc, once you've finished staring at Lieutenant Hawkeye's ass, could you go down to mess hall to grab me something to drink?"

Havoc blinked, realizing that the direction his eyes were pointed at were none other than toward's Hawkeye's rear end. He questioned whether or not he should meet the woman's gaze, but rather reluctantly, he did so anyway. To his amazement, and what some would say his luck, his fellow lieutenant merely made a disgusted face and turned away quickly, although not before Havoc had a chance to see the blush on her cheeks. He smiled before remembering something about the colonel.

"Didn't you just drink like four cups of coffee about an hour ago?"

Mustang looked up from his paperwork, his left eyebrow in a high arch.

"Are you questioning my orders, Lieutenant?"

"No, sir," Havoc said, with a long drawn-out sigh.

Rather sluggishly, he proceeded with lifting himself out of his chair, beginning his trek to mess hall to once again serve his commanding officer.

Once he was out of eyeshot, Lieutenant Hawkeye turned her attention to the ground below her, looking through the glass window, watching as people bustled in and out of the building. Only one color stood out to her as different; unlike the blue and black uniforms of the military, this one was wearing a long, red coat.

"Mustang, sir, it looks like we'll soon have some company. "

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Ever since Edward Elric's last visit to see Colonel Mustang, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had found herself in a strange predicament; she remembered the elder Elric speaking with Lieutenant Havoc on his way up, and seeing his current state, quickly decided to speak to Hawkeye about it in private.

Mustang had been curious of course, and Hawkeye could tell he was using every ounce of willpower to stop himself from using his higher rank as a resolve.

But even now, she as looked at herself in the mirror, adding the final touches of mascara, she began to wonder how she was talked into allowing Havoc to ask her on a date, or how she was even persuaded to agreeing. With Havoc, he'd been trying to get her to agree with this since as long as they'd worked together, and to her it felt like she was allowing a spoiled, cavity-infested child into a candy store and letting him buy everything that was currently under the price of $2. Something had to be mentally wrong with her, there just had to be in order for to do something so reckless.

She brushed through her hair for what literally felt like the 20th time, feeling the corner of an eye twitch at the sight of her this way. She was clearly not happy, but the condition was set, and she had already said yes. The need to back out was beginning to overwhelm her, but the thought of such a cowardly act made her shudder.

It was when the doorbell rang that truly frightened her. Havoc was here, waiting outside her house, and ready and willing to accompany her to dinner. Still none too pleased with the situation, she stood from her vanity chair, slipped on her heels, and slowly and shakily made her way to the door.

If it wasn't already a given, Havoc was standing at her door, a half-confident half-nervous grin on his face, a bouquet of tangerine-colored roses in one hand, and a rectangle-shaped box of what was probably chocolates in the other. Hawkeye carefully took the roses from the second lieutenant, and haphazardly dumped them and the box of chocolates on the side table as she let him in.

Havoc was just beginning to remove his coat, when Hawkeye roughly grabbed his arm, leading them back outside and towards his parked car. The male quickened his pace as he tried to near the car before her to open the passenger door, but once again he was beaten, and she let herself in, almost slamming the door shut behind her. After a few moments of a stalled reaction, Havoc walked around the front-side of the car, climbed in, and turned on the ignition.

"It's a nice evening for an outside dinner," Havoc said, putting the car in drive and heading east.

Hawkeye had plenty more to add to that, none of it much too nice, but she figured she should humor him if just for a little while. So she smiled and said, "Where are we going?"

This clearly caught the lower-ranked lieutenant off guard, for his eyes went wide, resuming with what seemed like a 30 second silence of bemused thought. "Wherever you want. I'm just excited to have you here."

She smiled at him, but in reality, Havoc's sweetness made her want to throw up. She was just glad that this was a one-time thing, and that she'd never have to spend another evening with Jean Havoc ever again. And ever since she left her house, she'd been sniffling like crazy.

"Jean, can we make this quick?"

After she said this, she quickly regretted it; the look he gave her tore her up inside. She hadn't said it to be mean, it was just that her head was killing her, and truthfully, she didn't want to go through with this at all.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant," she added. "How about we go to that new place downtown?"

The grin he gave her as a response lifted the guity pressure of having disappointing him. So, as they drove, she kept telling herself that everything would go smoothly, and just to act natural in order to pass the time. Heck, she even had the thought of enjoying herself.

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Colonel Roy Mustang was constantly comparing his job to that of a teacher; he sat at a desk all day, reading and signing papers, and occasionally, even had to babysit the rest of the members in his company. He told himself that the only reason he'd joined the military as a state alchemist was because he believed it was his duty to go out on the frontline and protect his country, but as things would have it, the colonel hadn't seen much frontline action in many years.

"Does anyone here know where my two lieutenants are? ...Not you Breda, the other two."

The men shook their heads, earning a deeply emphasized sighed from the colonel. It wasn't unusual for Havoc to show up late, but Hawkeye had always been one for punctuality; and the fact that both of them were missing left Mustang highly suspicious.

"Havoc did mention yesterday that he and Lieutenant Hawkeye had a scheduled rendezvous for the evening," said Warrant Officer Vato Falman. "Maybe they spent the night together."

"That's doubtful," Mustang said. "Hawkeye would never, could never bring herself to have anything to do with Havoc; that's just the way she is."

"And you would know this how...?" Breda asked.

"My best friend's in the investigations department, isn't he?" Mustang said, picking up his pen while disappearing behind a stack of papers. "Besides, you can tell that she only goes for a certain type of man, and it doesn't look like Havoc fits the category."

"And what type of man do you think she likes?" Major Sergeant Kain Feury asked from his place by the coffee machine.

"It's pretty obvious--"

But at that precise moment, the female lieutenant in question idly walked in, totally oblivious to anything being said before she entered. The men in the room were actually quiet speechless upon seeing her; she looked a mess. Her complexion was pale and she had big, dark circles under her eyes. She didn't look like anything was the matter, in fact, it was almost as if there was nothing at all wrong. The strangest part of it was the large vase of tangerine-colored roses tucked away under her arm.

She said nothing as she made her way over to the clock-in station, dropping her things on the table as she went. After that, she walked over to Mustang and deposited the vase on the only paper-free corner of his desk.

Mustang watched amusedly as she then sat herself on the couch, closed her eyes, and then pinched the bridge of her nose, desperately trying to free herself from a throbbing headache. He turned his eyes back to the flowers that had been so carefully placed on his desk; he knew they weren't a gift for him, nor for any of the other guys, but he knew they had obviously been placed there for a reason.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye?" Falman tried. "Is something wrong?"

Without so much as a heartbeat's pause, she replied in a hushed voice, "I'm completely hungover."

Now this did not sit well with Roy Mustang. Something was definately wrong, and he made it his own personal mission to find out what. Never in his lifetime would his first lieutenant agree to a date with his second lieutenant, show up late to work, and be hungover. Oh no, this did not sit well with him at all, and he was beginning to think it had everything to do with a certain Jean Havoc.

He watched curiously as Feury shuffled over to Hawkeye, offering her his mug of fresh coffee; she took it gratefully, drinking the warm liquid to ease her nerves. The two officers spoke in whispers to each other, and Mustang was too far away to hear them properly, so instead he watched them.

And he nearly wet himself when the phone on his desk gave a loud ring. Allowing for his heart to stop pounding, he watched as Hawkeye scrunched up her face at the shrill sound; so she was hungover after all. After a second, he picked up the phone waiting for the caller to speak.

He listened, replying when necessary. "...Why'd he call you? ...That coward. Call him back... Why? Because I need his sorry ass here, that's why... I don't care if he's throwing up! I want him at work... He's the one who called you, you should be the one to call him back! ...I'm as confused as you are. Just tell him I need him here... Thanks."

"Who was that?" Breda asked, after he hung up the phone.

"Hughes," Mustang said with another elaborated sigh. "Looks like Havoc's also sick."

"It's sounds like he's worse off than she is," Falman said, referring to Havoc.

Mustang said nothing, but buried his face in his hands. This bothered him on so many levels, everything was just going wrong. He needed to be alone to think, but he knew there was no way that was going to happen; he was the commander to these men and woman, and it was supposed to be his job to settle things between them.

"Why did you bring these here?" he asked, behind his hands.

Hawkeye removed the mug from her hands and said, "I couldn't stand it anymore."

There was silence as everyone waited for her to continue. Mustang moved his hands, allowing him a better view of the situation.

"Jean brought them over to my house last night, before we went out. I didn't think much of it before, but it turns out I'm allergic to them. I couldn't leave them there anymore."

"So, you brought them to the office?" Breda asked sardonically.

He had a point, Mustang thought. Hawkeye spent a lot of her time there in the office, usually urging or waiting for him to finish is work. It would have just been better just to throw them away instead of suffering more by bringing them to work.

"You're allergic to roses?" he asked. Once he thought about, that was a strange allergy. In fact, he'd never heard of such a thing.

"Yes," Hawkeye snapped back at him. "We're not all fortunate enough to be allergic to dust, sir."

Mustang was quiet taken aback by her tone with him, but he also felt the need to forgive her. She was hungover after all. But then again, she was old enough and responsible enough to know better than to drink so much as to give her a hangover. As far as he was concerned, it was her own burden to get through.

"And since when have you and Havoc been on a first name bases?"

This was also something he was eager to know; he had heard her speak of Havoc as if they were old friends. And why had he brought her roses?

"Havoc and I are...dating."

Hawkeye's response sent a shiver down his back that made him feel really sick. He couldn't understand his reasons for feeling this way, but just thinking about it made his head spin.

Havoc and Hawkeye? Who would have guessed?

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So, did you catch the reference to my other fic? It's okay if you didn't, it's not like it's going to change how you read it or anything, I was just curious. :D

I planned on only making this a two-chapter fic, but I might lengthen it to three. It all depends on the next chapter. Oh, and the title. Yeah, something told me that if I didn't explain that to you, then I would get a lot of questions regarding it. The title for this was a suggestion made by Wah-Keetcha that literally had me cracking up. I figured that since I had no other ideas to go ahead and use it...to smite you all. All Hail the Smiteiness!