Chapter 3

"TOAST!" screamed Hermione randomly standing up and making referee hand signals. Snape burst through the door wearing a flattering shiny purple sequined ball gown, white gloves, a rhinestone tiara and a sash that said 'Jr. Miss Durham.'

"Was that my queue?" asked a frantic Snape.

"You're not from Durham!" exclaimed Harry. "But I like your dress."

No one else questioned why he was in a beauty pageant, but they were a little confused as to why it was a junior contest. But no one really cared enough to ask. After a few minutes of silence, a very high pitched scream was heard coming from the staff table. Everyone turned to find Dumbledore on his feet with his hands over his mouth.

"Holy cooking pans Batman!" Dumbledore shouted. "Snape is NAKED!"

Everyone looked at Snape, finding him still fully clothed (Draco was disappointed. As was Harry.)

"I'm in the nude, don't look!" shouted Ron, covering his own eyes. Everyone there was confused because Ron was also fully clothed. Hermione just shook her head. Didn't anyone realize that she really was naked? Oh well. Harry was the only one who closed his eyes. Even fully clothed, Ron was one scary sight.

"WE'RE GOING TO BE ON TIME!" shouted Hermione. "WE… SHOULD… SLOW… DOWN!"

"Slide to the left…. Slide to the right. Take it back now y'all. Two hops this time, two hops this time." Whispered Ron.

"Ron," Harry said "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"The Cha-Cha Slide!" Ron exclaimed.

"YAY!" Screamed Harry positively delighted, as he joined Ron.

"HOW IS THIS GOING TO HELP US SLOW DOWN!" screamed Hermione in question.

"Because, you have to 'take it back now y'all' so many times," retorted Ron as he took it back.

"OH, OK!" she yelled in reply as she joined them.

As they danced through the halls, people started to join them. The Cha-Cha slide ended, and the scene turned into West Side Story: A Hogwarts remake. The Gryffindor guys started singing "When You're a Jet," and then Hermione broke off and started singing "I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!" at the top of her lungs. At this point, Draco got mad.

"That is MY line woman!" Only problem is, no one was paying all that much attention to him.

Ron spontaneously started to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

"Mama, just killed a man!"

"RON, YOU JUST KILLED SOMEONE! AND NOW YOUR SINGING ABOUT IT! DON'T TELL YOUR MUM, SHE'S GONNA BE PISSED!" Exclaimed Harry, shocked at his friend. In his anger at Ron, Harry threw toothpaste to the ground. Hermione started to scream and run around in circles. "TOOTHPASTE ABUSE! TOOTHPASE ABUSE!" She screamed. Dumbledore came running in with a worried look on his face. "WHERE! WHERE IS THIS INJUSTICE BEING DONE!"

Everyone pointed at Harry who blushed and waved his fingers at Dumbledore.

"THIS IS HORRABLE!" Dumbledore continued to rant. "WE MUST RAISE TOOTHPASTY AWARENESS! EVERYONE, MAKE BADGES SINCE THAT SEEMS TO BE WHAT WE DO HERE AT HOGWARTS! AND LET US MAKE BANNERS! WE WILL STRIP OURSELVES OF OUR CLOTHES AND TIE THEM TOGETHER! THE LONGEST CLOTHES CHAIN EVER MADE!" After finishing this speech, Dumbledore ripped off his robe (don't worry people, he had a flowery dress on underneath) and ran down the hall waving it over his head.

After Dumbledore's departure, everyone just shrugged and started to spit on the walls.

Later that night, Hermione, Harry, and Ron were sitting in front of the fire in the common room, roasting their socks on skewers in the fire. Ron and Hermione were debating the importance of neo-Gregorian artwork in a bipartisan Charismacracy or Femtotheocracy. Harry was deep in thought as well. A few minutes later, Harry spoke up. "Guys, I wish I was an eel." Silence met this confession.

"Ok." Hermione said.

"Don't you want to know why?" Harry asked.

"Not really, no." Said Hermione.

"Ok." Harry started. "I want to be an eel because they can fly, they burst into flame and are reborn from the ashes when they get old, they can disappear in a flame, their tears have feeling powers, and then my name could be Oawkes.

"HARRY! YOU DUMBASS! WHY ARE YOU AS STUPID AS SERIOUS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WERE YOU DROPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A BABY?" Hermione started to rant again. "WHERE THEY SHORT ON BRAINS WHEN THEY MADE YOU? MAYBE VOLDEMORT DIDN'T REALLY HIT YOU WITH THE KILLING CURSE, BUT THE 'HOLY-SHIT-I'M-AS-STUPID-AS-DIRT' CURSE!"

"That would be a phoenix Harry." Ron corrected as Hermione took a breath in the middle of her ranting.

"Oh. Ok!" Harry smiled.

"WHENEVER YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, PEOPLE'S I.Q. PLUMMET IF THEY ARE STANDING WITHIN A QUARTER OF A MILE OF YOUR BIG, FAT, STUPID MOUTH! WHY DON'T YOU JUST DROP TO THE FLOOR AND DIE? HUH? OR ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO DO THAT?" Hermione was so busy freaking out that she didn't notice Ron and Harry leave to go try to catch their fart and paint it purple. The only person left in the common room was a scared looking first year who thought that the entire rant was directed towards him. He didn't understand because he was the smart kid in his class. Hermione decided that she should take a stand against stupid people. Inspired by Dumbledore, who could still be heard running around screaming about the injustice inflicted upon toothpaste, she was going to start the Society To Avenge British Hierarchy Against Radically Retarded Yugoslavians or the STAB HARRY club for short. It seems that nobody has yet informed the smartest witch in Hogwarts that Yugoslavia doesn't exactly exist anymore. But that wouldn't have made a difference to her anyway, because she was going to get to make badges, the Hogwarts past time.