Words of Advice


Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Naruto.

Author's Note:

I was looking through funny quotes I could put in memes that have been running around amuck in the SasuSaku writers' section of Livejournal (you can find me under the same username, if you ever have a hankering for my writing process or tidbits of my real life) when I spotted one I just knew would make the tastiest short one-shot. Combined with a bad experience with a cruise I recently went on (you could say I would be a neighbor in this fic), this little thing quickly sprang to life.

Enjoy the Naughty!Sakura and NastyMinded!Sasuke love!

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities."

–Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons and Futurama)

It looked like it was going to be a bad day even before he knocked on her door.

Yep, it looked like a bad day the moment Naruto—or, should he say, the Rokudaime—walked into his office and asked him to settle a little domestic issue. He should have known from the look in his old teammate's eyes that it wasn't just any little problem, and should have realized from that snicker as he left the room that it definitely wasn't something that would be easy for him to handle.

Maybe it was a sense of obligation, or perhaps sheer boredom, but for some damn reason he accepted and walked out of his office with the file left on his desk, containing only three documented complaints, a sheet on the offender, and a picture. Still, it was enough to make him groan out loud.

How was he to know that it would be a domestic problem featuring another old teammate? How was he to know that it was for the 'insistent disturbance of the peace' coming from her apartment at night? And really, how was he to know that under no circumstances he should ever talk to her about this certain topic—ever?

A police chief should would never taken this job to be done personally. No, this was for some greenhorn cop who just graduated from the academy to take care of, or maybe an officer on break, but definitely not the man who had resurrected the Uchiha name as a legendary law force come back from the dead.

Sasuke looked at the apartment building hatefully. It was sunny out, a beautiful Sunday afternoon, but this particular 'mission', of sorts, had darkened his entire day.

He sighed, looking back down at the complaints. The neighbors could have taken care of this themselves, if not for their part reverence for the nearly-legendary medic and part embarrassment of this particularly sensitive subject. Instead, the cowards took the easy way out and filed a complaint to the Hokage's office, whom, in turn, handed the problem to him.

With slow, steady steps, he walked up the stairs of the apartment building and towards a particular pink-haired girl's room.

Since his return to Kohona five years ago, he and Sakura hadn't had a decent conversation. They were acquaintances, if not distant friends, but still... He supposed it was because it was Naruto who dragged him back from Orochimaru, not Sakura, and the fact that he had always been somehow closer to Naruto anyway. And, sometimes, when he least expected it, he would miss the old Team 7, complete with a girl with cherry-blossom hair.

The inside of the apartment seemed quiet when he paused before it, unlike the night before, according to the neighbors. Then again, you could never be sure... With another heartfelt sigh, he knocked on the door.


He grimaced, hoping desperately that she wasn't taking a mid-afternoon nap to make up for the sleep she lost the night before. If so, he didn't know what he'd have to do.

Sasuke knocked again, harder this time.

To his great relief, he heard the slamming open of a door inside and a feminine voice calling out, "Just a minute!"

He waited, his hands locked inside the pockets of his dark pants—a familiar pose—and worked his face into a usual stoic mask.

The dark green door flew open, and her face popped out. From the smell of fruity shampoo and the look of damp hair wrapped hurriedly into a towel, he deducted that she had just run out of the shower.

Large green eyes, fringed with spiky lashes, widened in surprise. Her rosy lips opened slightly, forming an oval as surprise filled her face. She was clad in a tank top and flannel pajama pants, looking for the world like someone who had decided to take the day off to relax.

"S-Sasuke! Err... What are you doing here?" Her gaze passed up and down on him, taking in his uniform and the important looking folder tucked under his arm. "Is there something wrong?"

Sasuke shook his head. "No, I'm here on business."

The now twenty-one girl cocked her head to the side. "Business? Well, um... Do you want to come in?" She opened the door wider and stepped back in invitation. From his position he could see into the bright living room, organized neatly with yellow flowers on the coffee table and the balcony door open.

He stepped out of his shoes, leaving them outside, and into the room, where she ushered him to sit.

"Tea? Coffee? Anything?" When he shook his head politely to both refreshments and the couch, she started twisting her hands together. "Um, so, what is the business, anyway?" She laughed, abet nervously. "Anything I can help you with?" He caught the faint sarcasm hidden under the serious voice.

"There have been a few complaints concerning your lifestyle," he started bluntly.

Her eyebrows furrowed together, nervousness forgotten as a hint of anger entered. "What?"

Sasuke opened up the mouth of the file and pulled out the complaints, handing them into her outreached hand. As her eyes scanned over the crisp sheets of paper, he could see her cheeks flushing redder and redder in embarrassment.

"I-I... It's not like I'm doing anything wrong, and—"

He interrupted her before she could even start her protests. He had planned to just warn her about the complaints and request that she spent her night hours more quietly, but the moment she said 'nothing wrong', he knew she needed to learn that there was indeed something wrong with having loud, thumping sex with some—ahem... Was it just him or did it suddenly get a little too warm in the room?

Clearing his throat, he began his hopefully clean lecture on the dangers of having mad bunny-sex late at night on a squeaky bed. "I realize that you a grown woman capable of making your own decisions, Sakura, but those decisions should be made with rationality. In this case, not only are you inconveniencing your neighbors, you are also endangering yourself."

She looked confused again, an unexpected expression that nonetheless brought attention to just how cute she looked at the moment. "I don't understand. How is trying to make my life easier endangering to it?"

If he wasn't Uchiha Sasuke, his jaw would have dropped. "What? Who is he, Sakura?" He hadn't meant to say the words, but they slipped out anyway.

"Huh?" She stepped back, as if assessing his mental state. "Who?"

Sasuke fumbled for words. "The man... With whom—The person with whom you are making so many noises at night."

That got her to understand. "Man! Sasuke! Are you... Are you seriously asking me who I'm having sex with! Not that I am, that is, having sex with anyone, but—This is an invasion of privacy! Slander! That's what I call this!"

Now he was the one looking confused. "You're not?"

"No! How dare you make such accusations about me! You don't know me at all!" The towel began to slip from her wet hair, falling to the ground as she stomped her foot. "And if I was fucking anyone," she snarled, "it would be none of your goddamn business!"

It was ironic, he suddenly realized, how inappropriately his body was responding to her fiery eyes and clinging tank top, slowly becoming wet with the droplets from her hair. Unable to say anything to stop her rage, he could only allow her to continue yelling at him.

Sakura grabbed his tie tightly and started pulling him towards her bedroom. "You wanna tell those assholes what I've been doing every night that's making so much noise? Well, I'll tell you!" She slammed the room open and led him in front of the wall, where an old bedframe was leaning against. "I've been replacing this stupid thing! Maybe the mattress is a little squeaky, and maybe I did let the legs fall a little too hard, but that doesn't excuse anyone from... from saying that I'm a sex-crazed fiend humping my way to the other side of the earth!" She stepped on her toes—he was now more than a head taller than her—and leaned so they were nearly eye to eye, glaring fiercely as she finished

He gulped uncomfortably. Their sudden closeness had only made the situation more tense for him, and the tightness of his pants around a certain area didn't help at all. "Sakura—"

"No! I'm not done with this yet!"

He started again. "Sakura, shut up." When she started to protest again, he put a finger on her lips, unaware of how sexual the motion really was. He moved closer to her, unable to think—being around her seemed to have made his mind turn to mush—and was just about ready to kiss her when—

"W-what are you doing?" her voice was suddenly breathy, whispery-soft.

His eyes closed briefly before fluttering open again. "Apologizing," he answered after a moment of thought.

And with that, his lips touched hers, feather soft at first, but then more intense as the second melted by. Her surprising enthusiasm made the situation more heated as her ivory arms wound tightly around his neck. In retaliation his hands pulled her waist closer to his, each slight bump just allowing their hips to graze lightly. His tongue slid out and caressed against her mouth. An erotic moan escaped her lips and allowed him a chance to plunder the silky cavern.

It was when his hands wandered a bit too closer to her chest that she broke the kiss with a breathless moan. "N-no... Really, Sasuke—What are you doing?"

Sasuke pulled her over to wear her newly set-up bed stood waiting. Moving close to kiss her again, he whispered possibly the most devilish thing he had ever said in his life: "Giving the neighbors something they can really complain about."

And that was that, because in the end, Sakura really had no choice but to obey the authorities.