I Am My Beloved's, And My Beloved Is Mine
Summary: Kon talks to someone about Tim.
Notes: Kealoha is Hawaiian for Beloved
He thinks I don't trust him. But I do.
How can I not? He always has everyone's best interests at heart.
Except his own, of course; but then Tim's always been the self-sacrificing sort.
I'm sure it isn't in his own best interests to try and take the weight of the world on his shoulders. But despite my super-strength, he's better equipped for it than I'll ever be. He's stronger inside; stronger than me.
And I…I need him to be there. Need him to have those plans in place in case I ever…
Yeah, I know, in my head, that it wasn't my fault. My heart is a different matter, but it'll catch up. Someday… And I know that if you were here, you'd probably be doing your best to bash that into my thick head.
But you're not. And he…is. He has tried to knock some sense into me, and I think it's starting to work. I just…
I wish he had known how to take me down. We all got angry with him when it came out about Batman's protocols, thinking he had files on us, and…he didn't. But if he had, maybe…maybe I wouldn't have hurt him. Hurt any of them.
I could 'maybe' myself into oblivion, though.
I trust him with my life. And he trusted us, maybe too much. That's why he didn't have those plans. I know he blames himself for not having them. And…and he still trusts us, and he has those plans now. But he doesn't trust himself to have those plans.
He thinks it would have been a betrayal of our friendship – our trust – for him to have those files on us. I think it would have been more of a betrayal if he didn't. A betrayal of himself. It's who he is, not just what he does. He keeps people safe; he protects the people he cares about, sometimes at the expense of his relationships with them.
It's a lot to put on him, I know. Probably unfair to expect him to look out for everyone, but…I think he needs to. He doesn't want to have to, but he needs to…be there for everyone. And he needs for it to be okay with us.
And it is, it always was; I just… I was being stupid, I know, but I didn't want any of us to have to… Well, to grow up, I guess. To realize that the superhero game wasn't just a game, and that it was rarely ever fun. To stop being Young Justice and be the Teen Titans.
But I'm not Peter Pan – anymore, anyway – and we all have to grow up eventually. I'm actually getting older now. There was this thing, with this guy, and I'm not going to be sixteen forever. But I don't think I would have ever grown up if it wasn't for you.
I just wish my maturity hadn't come at the price of your life. It felt like…I lost you, and I lost everything. Everything good about my life, at any rate. I tried to go on and act like…I don't know, act like I used to. Like I still had it all, had you, and everything was fine.
I wasn't fine.
Tim was the only one who saw what was going on and called me on my shit. It took Tim pushing my buttons until I broke down, crying like a little kid before I could start mourning you. And it took him kicking my ass over the Luthor thing to get me to quit acting like it had all been my fault. Even if, both times, it felt like my whole world had ended.
He's always been there for me. That's why I trust him. But he thinks he doesn't deserve it.
I don't trust him in spite of him having those files – I trust him because he has them. Because he won't use them unless absolutely necessary. Because he won't keep copies of them anywhere but his own head, so no one else can use them against us.
People keep saying he's just like Batman. But he's better. He's only hard and gritty in the field, though he's tough all the time. Compassionate and friendly, too. He's lighter than Batman, despite the darkness he dwells in. Kinder, despite the bad things that have happened to him. That keep happening. When he's quiet, most of the time he's thinking instead of brooding, and he doesn't just pretend to listen when someone talks to him about their problems. He cares about…everyone…and does his best to show it, even if occasionally his best falls short.
He's…everything. And…I think I love him. I…I know I do.
I know I made you a promise. That I'd move on. That I wouldn't…mourn forever. I…I'm sorry it took me so long to follow up on it. Losing you…it hurt for so long.
After you died…it was easier to be…blasé…about everything. To act like that stupid punk kid you fell in love with, like nothing could faze me, nothing could touch me. Like I was never going to grow up, on top of not getting any older. I hid my hurt by pretending not to care about anything too much. Pretending not to care about anyone.
Until one day I realized that I cared too much to pretend anymore. Cared about him. About…Tim.
I miss you, kealoha. And I'll always love you. But now I love him, too.
Kon stood up and dusted bits of grass off the knees of his jeans. Looking down at the simple gray stone marker – Beloved Friend and Family – he smiled sadly. Placing a hand over the word Beloved, he said, "Thanks for listening, Tana." As the sun rose over the distant Hawaiian shore, a warm wind blew through the small cemetery, and wrapped around Kon's body. A single tear slipped down his cheek, smile changing from mostly sad to slightly happy, as Kon murmured, "I'm glad I can still talk to you."