A loud scream resounded through the stately halls of the castle. Toad covered his ears, waiting for it to be over. Then he slowly made his way under the great dining table. Waiting for the hurricane.
Peach stormed into the dining hall. Her face was red and she held a piece of paper in her hand.
"What…..is….this?" she seethed through clenched teeth. Toad winced.
"It's, um, your schedule, your highness."
"No, Toad. I mean this." She thrust the paper under his nose and pointed angrily.
"Oh, that." He meekly crawled from under the table and tried to explain.
"Well….yes…..you see, it's like this…"
Peach folded her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.
"I, just…thought you could benefit from…self defense…lessons."
"How could I possibly benefit from that??"
"Your highness, you could get attacked---"
"Well, Bowser for instance---"
"He's too big for anyone to karate chop, Toad!"
"Who's going to attack me? Oh, let me guess, Mario?"
Toad shrugged. "It could happen."
"Ah, I can beat up that pansy any day. My point is, I'm not taking these lessons."
"Yes, you are." Peach turned around to face the owner of the voice.
"Well, speak of the devil! Here's Mario."
"Peach, we only care for your safety," argued Luigi.
"Oh, so you're the ones who arranged this?"
"Darn straight. Listen Peach, you're going to take the lessons. You might like it--"
"I'm not going, and no one can make me!!" she shouted.
Half an hour later. Peach was shoved into a dressing room, and she popped out in the appropriate garb for karate. Only it was pink.
Mario and Luigi grabbed her before she could get away. She was thrown into a large room and the double doors shut loudly behind her.
"You Mario Brothers are going to pay for this!" she screeched. She leaned against the locked door angrily, huffing and puffing. The door next to her opened, and a tall man walked in. He smiled and introduced himself.
"Hello, your highness, I'm Mike. I'll be your instructor for the lessons."
Peach gawked, eyes bulging. 'Mike' had buff muscles, handsome features, and a winning smile. Kinda like Jow Rogan from Fear Factor, only cuter.
Peach starting to grin stupidly. Maybe these lessons won't be so bad after all, she thought.
Peach walked out of the recreation building, thanking Mike for the moves he had shown her. She was dressed in her normal apparel; her pink princess gown. She walked down the street towards the castle, smiling happily. She heard someone call her name, and she turned around curiously.
A man was running towards her. He held something pink in his hands. He had almost reached the Princess when he was propelled back. Peach reverse-punched him hard in the face.
"OW! What the-" he cried out a few curse words, holding his broken nose.
"That'll teach you," she stated, clenching her fists.
"I was just going to return this!" He handed Peach her purse then ran away, crying.
Peach lifted her eyebrows at the purse in her hands, then waved to the man, smiling.
"Sorry!" she called out in a sing-songy voice.
Some weeks later, Mario and Luigi met in secret.
"Man, this karate stuff has gone too far!" said Luigi.
"Tell me about it. I still can't get over that Wario deal."
"Huh, yeah, I remember. He tried to kidnap her, and she gave him a roundhouse kick and pulled a "miss congeniality-move' on him. S.I.N.G, wasn't it?"
"Ugh, don't remind me…" grunted Mario. "I think I gotta sit down."
"The point is, she kicked his butt. She's kicking everyone's butt, and if we don't do something fast, she won't have a need for us anymore. And we'll be out of a job."
"What do you mean, Luigi? We'll still have the plumbing business."
"Yeah, well….plumbing may put food on the table, but body-guarding the Princess gives us desert!"
*Don't take that the wrong way, some of you......PERVERTS!!! Do you even get the joke?*
"AMEN!" agreed Mario and gave his brother a high five.
"So……what'll we do?"
They sat a while in thought. Mario stood up suddenly.
"Didn't Peach say Bowser is 'too big to karate chop'?"
Luigi narrowed his eyes. "Yeeaahh….so what's your point?"
"Get me some coins….cause I got a plan."
Peach sat inside her bedroom, gazing at the mirror. It was covered with pictures or memories of her gorgeous karate teacher Mike. She remembered his first words to her…
"Hello, your highness, I'm Mike. I'll be your instructor for the lessons." "Hello, Mike," she answered dreamily to herself. "I'm in love, and I'll be your slave for the rest of my life---"
She was interrupted when the door to her room crashed open. In walked Bowser, flanked by six Koopa Troopas. Peach stood up angrily.
"What is the meaning of this? You're not to come into my room!"
"Time to go, Princess."
"No." She stood in her fighting stance, frowning.
"Ha. You think you can take me?" He threw up his hands in mock fear and spoke in a high voice.
"Oh no! She's going to hurt me!" he laughed rudely, then growled. "I think someone's been playing Street Fighter 2 a little too often." He snapped his fingers, and the Troopas advanced on the Princess….
Minutes later, after the dust settled, Peach stood triumphantly over six consecutive turtles, with little X's in place of their eyes. Bowser raised his eye brows slightly and cleared his throat, trying to keep his composure.
"Well, that was…......….shameful, on my part. But you haven't fought with the grandmaster yet, little 'Jacqueline' Chan!"
"Bring it on, Bowser boy!"
Mario and Luigi walked to Peach's room later that day, smiling to themselves.
"I hope it worked," worried Luigi.
"Relax, bro. When Mario's in control, the plan never fails..…" he opened the door to her room and stopped short. Peach was sitting in front of her mirror again, gazing adoringly into it.
"Wh-wh-where's B-bowser?" Mario stuttered.
"Oh, he's not here. I gave him a what for. He won't be bothering me for a while," she grinned, almost sinisterly.
Mario frowned, thinking again as Luigi's eyes rolled back and he passed out on the floor.
"Wait, Peach. I thought you didn't LIKE the idea of karate."
"No, I think you were right, Mario. Self defense is a good thing to know…especially when studying under sensei Mike." She sighed dreamily and gazed into the mirror.
Mario's face suddenly lit up with the prospect of another plan, and he excused himself, dragging Luigi with him.
"Where are you going?" asked Peach innocently.
"Uh, we uh, have to….fix some pipes." He dragged Luigi to his room and shut the door.
"I know what we have to do!" he said aloud, pacing the floor. Luigi came to eventually, shaking his head as if to shake away what he heard in Peach's room.
"What are we going to do now, oh wise Mario?" he asked sarcastically.
"Bowser ran off like a girl--"
"I hope we get our money back," grumbled Luigi.
"And it's not Peach who's the problem……it's Mike!"
"Oh ho, I get it." He lifted his eye brows grinning. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I hope so……but if they called them "Sad Meals", nobody would buy them."
Luigi rolled his eyes and grabbed his tool belt. "We have to find Mike!"
Someone knocked at Mike's front door, and he opened it to see a fat man in overalls on his doorstep.
*Well, not FAT, but you get the idea. Sorry, Mario old boy....*
"Hi! I think you called about the plumbing for your house."
"I don't have any plumbing problems---"
"Sure you do! Everyone does, you're just one of the lucky people we want to help before it's too late." Mario stepped in, looking around his house.
"Uh, the bathroom's this way," offered Mike.
Mario made a face. "I don't do bathrooms, buddy, I was looking for the kitchen."
"Well, you're a plumber, aren't you---"
"So! Where's that leaky sink?"
Mike was baffled. "Uh, it's over this way." They walked into the kitchen, and a man in black jumped from the ceiling, yelling. Mike caught the movement, and moved out of the way just as Luigi hit the floor.
"What's this about?" Mike looked at Mario. "Do you know this guy?"
"Um, no, what made you ask that?" Luigi stood up from the ground and resumed a fighting stance much like the one from "Karate Kid". Mike laughed.
"Oh, I see. You want to take me out?"
"Ewe, no, why would I want to date you? I just wanna beat you up, shove you in a bag, and send you to Kalamazoo."
Shrugging, Mike prepared his fighting stance as well. "Oh, ok." Mario turned his back and whistled carelessly as the two battled it out.
One week later.
Peach walked in the castle and sighed, flopping into a chair.
"What's wrong, your highness?" asked Toad carefully.
"Well, I went down to the recreation building for my lessons, but sensei Mike wasn't there! He hasn't shown up in a long time."
"Oh, that's a shame," said Mario sadly, shaking his head. Peach looked up and gasped.
"Luigi! What happened to your arm? And your face?"
The younger plumber was a wreck, one arm in a cast and bandages all over his head. "Oh, well…..we…........I was, just…......................…fixing a pipe."
"Musta been one heck of a leak."
Toad spoke. "Are you terribly sad about missing the lessons, Princess Peach?"
"No, not really sad. I mean, it was fun for a while, but I think I like my life back to normal."
"Whew, me too," sighed Mario.
"I wonder where Mike is now…" thought Peach out loud.
"Oh, I'm sure that wherever he is, he's juuuust fine…"
**Cut to Kalamazoo airport, where Mike taped up in a big black plastic bag, buried under piles of luggage.**
**Ok, so it was stupid. Wasn't that a bit waste 'a' space? Do your duty, review.**