Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail
King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.
A/N: I had a plot bunny bite me, and I couldn't get rid of it. This fanfiction is dedicated to Sam Moga (Maglenan Songbird) for introducing me to Monty Python. Without her...well, you wouldn't have this piece of insanity to read, so be grateful! It's also dedicated to Jade Rhade, who is probably going to kill me. Ah, well.
Disclaimer: I don't own Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Sora, Riku (sob!), or any ideas that belong to Monty Python, bless them. I also don't own Spam. I do own a sharp stick, though, so bring on the lawyers! (brandishing stick) Jade: "She's gonna die..."
Prologue: Boredom and a Penguin
If Riku had to pick two words to describe interstellar space, he'd have picked "dark" and "boring". Dark and boring as hell. There was absolutely nothing to do that he hadn't already done: play cards with Sora, spar with Sora until something vital to the workings of a ship was broken, draw a mustache on Sora's face with permanent marker while he slept, bake cookies, answer fan-mail, write depressing and brooding poetry about the darkness inside his soul, make origami swans, or even attempt suicide several times. And now, he was bored.
All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling, hair-raising, gut-wrenching shriek sounded through the ship. The first thing that shot through Riku's boredom-fogged mind was, "SWEET! VIOLENCE!" The second was, "Crud, Sora might beat me to it!" The third was, "Oh, yeah, that might be Sora. DAMN!"
Riku came barreling into the main cabin, yelling, "Don't panic, I'm—" Then he stopped. Sora was lounging around on the couch eating Spam out of an enormous can and listening to the radio. There was no violence in sight.
"...And that concludes our presentation of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots,'" the radio was broadcasting. "And now, Radio 4 will explode."
Sora shrieked in a rather unmanly way, and covered his head with the almost-empty Spam can as the radio ignited and blew into tiny hot fragments. After shielding himself from the explosion, Riku noted that Sora still had the marker mustache that Riku had drawn on his face.
Sora saw him and said, "Oh, hey Riku. How's it going?"
"If we spend one more day crammed into this tiny ship, people will start accusing us of being gay." Riku shuddered at the idea. "Remind me again what we're doing?"
"King Mickey sent us a letter with coordinates to a world that he is on. He's trying to find an important object called the 'Holy Grail' that could do great good—or great evil if it fell into the hands of the Heartless. We're supposed to meet him there. You make me tell you every twenty minutes, Riku. Chill out," Sora said, and then took a huge bite of Spam. "As for your other worry—eew—we'll be there in a few hours."
"Thank God," Riku said, and sat down on another couch. A few seconds went by. "Sora," he said slowly, "why is there a penguin on the television?"
Sora turned to look. On top of the communications screen (that also received DirectTV), there was indeed a penguin. Sora shrugged and took another big bite of Spam. "Maybe it came from next door."
Riku whirled around to stare incredulously at him. "Penguins don't come from next door! They come from the Antarctic! And anyway..." He gestured out the "windows" to the star-speckled blackness outside the ship, "We're in the middle of space!"
"Maybe it came from that world." Sora pointed out a window on the port side to a looming planetary mass.
"Yeah, sure, it just flew into the sky, and—WE'RE THERE!" Riku rushed to the viewport to see, nearly smacking his head. His cabin fever really hadn't been treating him well. He needed to get off that ship.
"We're on autopilot, dude," Sora said lazily, enjoying watching Riku hyperventilate and paw at the window. "Be a little while to land. Spam?" he asked, offering the last few bites left in the can. Riku shook his head.
"I don't like Spam."
Sora gasped. "You...don't...like...Spam?"
"For the forty-second time this trip: no, I do not like Spam!" Riku snapped.
"No?" Sora said, just to make the vein in Riku's forehead do that funny pulse thing. "Ah, well, at least I can catch the end of Full Metal Alchemist..." He clicked the TV on, ignoring the penguin.
"Well, it's 3:59 pm, Antarctic Standard Time," a man was saying. "And now, the penguin on top of your television will explode."
It did so. Riku ducked, but was too late to avoid being peppered with burning fragments. Sora laughed at him. "Ha, that was cool!" Riku reemerged, plucking smoldering embers from the ends of his long silver hair, and asked the smart question.
"How'd he know that was going to happen?"
The man on screen shrugged. "It was an educated guess."
Disney Pictures LTD in association with Square Enix presents...
Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail
(Kingdøm Hearts: Der Kwiest vor den Hølie Gräilen)
With: Jade Rhade and GreenEggsandSam
Also appearing: The cast of Kingdom Hearts II
Also also appearing: numerous sketches and the Holy Grail screenplay copyright Monty Python 1974
(Alsø also wik)
iAtRI wishes it known that she does not own anything in this fanfiction that may be copyrighted or otherwise claimed. She is making no money and does not wish to be sued.
(Wi not trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?)
With special thanks to Monty Python, Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsyo Nomura (sp?)
(See the løveli lakes, and mani interesting furri animals, especialli the majestïk møøse)
We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.
(A møøse once bit my sister...)
We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the just-sacked people have been sacked.
(No, realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge—her brother-in-law and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...)
The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style and at the last minute.
Executive Producer: Ralph the Wonder Llama
Producer: Kevin McSorbo
Assisted by: Forty Specially Trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas
Directed by: Majoram Kiliith and I AM the Random Idiot
A/N: Review! And if you know who Kevin McSorbo and Majoram Kiliith are, I'll give you a cookie!