Harry Potter and the Lost Captain

Required disclaimer: Story contains characters that are owned by others, including J.K. Rowling and Paramount Pictures.

Harry Potter, famous in the wizarding world for his inexplicable defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named, could not imagine a better life than the one he enjoyed part-time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He spent his days learning magic spells and playing the game of Quidditch.

Wizarding life wasn't perfect, of course. His fame for an event he did not remember brought him much annoyance, and there was an evil wizard whose very name was feared, who wanted Harry dead. But Harry was willing to accept this if it meant he could get away from his relatives the Dursleys and the boring Muggle world for most of the year.

Harry could not imagine a better life. In spite of this, in four days' time, he would be tempted to abandon the magical community forever.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on their way to Hagrid's whilst trying to solve the latest mystery of Voldemort. Hermione's latest clue seemed like it would be sure to uncover what Dumbledore was either intentionally hiding from them, or what he was simply not smart enough to notice. Hermione was a very clever witch.

Harry, on the other hand, was not blessed with the gift of intellect. "Filch has it in for us," said Harry.

"Filch always has it in for us," replied Ron.

Harry was very good at a few things. For example, he was one of the best broomstick pilots in England, he could perform a Patronus Charm better than most adult wizards, and he was a Parsel-Mouth, possessing the very rare ability to speak to snakes. He wasn't very good at much else, however. He was prone to making pointless statements such as: "I don't think Snape likes us very much, either." Perhaps he was just trying to make conversation.

"Oh, gee Harry, when did you figure that out?" quipped Ron.

Just then, there was a sound like someone rubbing their fingers on the rims of several crystal wine glasses at once, and there were 5 pillars of golden, shimmering light before them. The pillars of light took the forms of people. Harry, Ron, and Hermione took out their wands. How could five wizards have Apparated onto the school grounds?

"Stupefy!" said Harry, aiming the spell at the youngest of the wizards, who had pasty-white skin. The spell seemed to have no effect. The man continued as if nothing had happened, waving a beige electric shaver in the air, and saying "This is the source of the fluctuating, gravimetric, subspace anomaly. I believe that if I reconfigure my tricorder, and crosslink my phaser beam with it, we can create a positronic, tachyon emission that will penetrate the anomaly." He had a pronounced American accent.

"Harry, I don't think they can see us," Ron said.

The woman with the long, black hair screwed up her face.

The bald man then said "Make it so." The one with the white skin took out what looked like a telly changer, put it next to the shaver, and then a white beam came out of the shaver, and a red beam came out of the changer. Where the two beams intersected, they formed a bright blue beam. There was a sound: wewewewewewewewewe. The blue beam stopped just short of where Harry, Ron, and Hermione were standing. There were the beginnings of a transparent disc forming at the end of the blue beam.

"Do you think they're Muggles, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Blimey, Hermione! Of course they're not Muggles! Just look at that!" To Harry, what he was seeing looked an awful lot like magic. Muggles weren't capable of anything as cool as what he was now witnessing.

The bald man noticed the woman's screwed-up face, and asked, "Troi, what's wrong?" To this, the woman responded "I'm sensing a strong feeling of apprehension, right in front of us."

The disc grew until it was wide enough for all five of the people to walk into it. The edges of the disc bent light, like a prism. The bald man and the white one made eye contact with Harry, who was still holding up his wand.

"Good work, Data," said the bald man.

"They appear to be young humanoids," said Data, referring to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and waving his electric shaver at them.

Harry demanded of the five, "Who are you!" But before anyone could answer, Harry waved his wand around and said, "Petrificus Totalus!" The bearded man standing to the bald man's left, who had not said anything up to this point, stiffened up and fell to the ground.

The woman screwed up her face even more.

"Battle stations! Hail the enemy ship!" said the bald man.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

"Captain, we do not appear to be on the Enterprise," said Data.

The Captain replied, "Oh, right then. Phasers on stun!"

Data interjected again, "Captain, I believe that if I set my phaser on 'vaporise', reconfigure my tricorder, and shoot Commander Riker with both of them for precisely 22.50034 seconds, I can penetrate the fluctuating, gravimetric, subspace distortion that is binding him," referring to the petrified man. "But if I shoot him for even a trillionth of a second longer than that, he'll be killed!"

The woman fell to the ground, her eyes squeezed shut, her face screwed up so hard it looked like it was about to break. She gave a soft moan.

"Make it so," said the Captain.

Harry was astounded at this wacky display. Every time the "Captain" would talk, the one they called "Data" would spout off a bunch of nonsensical technobabble. He demanded to know, once again: "Who are you?"

"Troi, what's wrong now?" asked the Captain.

"I think I'm having an orgasm!" Harry felt his underpants shrinking rapidly.

While Data was busy shooting Commander Riker, the Captain finally responded: "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship, Enterprise. What have you done to my first officer, and what did you do with Starfleet Headquarters?"

Just then, they all heard what sounded like 30 flags flapping in the wind. Harry turned around to see if it was an American, aware of how fond they are of anything made of cloth that hangs from a staff. Instead, it was Snape, the flapping sound was made by his robes.

"No Muggles are allowed on the school grounds! Potter, you and your friends, along with the rest of Gryffindor House, all have detention!" He was almost running towards them. He then took out his wand, flicked it at the Captain and his men (and the woman too), and said "Redacto!"

"They disappeared!" said the Captain, apparently unable to see Snape, Harry, Ron, or Hermione.

"Captain! It appears as if we are on the outside of the gravimetric, fluctuating, subspace anomaly again!" Data did his trick again with the shaver and the telly changer. Snape cast the "Redacto" charm again. This went on for about half an hour, while Harry, Ron, and Hermione escaped to Hagrid's house.

Inside Hagrid's house, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had some tea. Hagrid asked, "So what brings yeh out here on a nice day like this?"

"Voldemort, what else?" responded Harry. Everyone in the room flinched. The woman outside screwed up her face for a moment.

"Oh," said Hagrid. "I thought yeh just wanted ter have some tea with yer friend Hagrid, but yeh just came out ter blather about him again."

"Harry!" said Hermione scoldingly. She turned to Hagrid, saying "I apologise for his rude behavior."

Then Ron blurted out, "Snape just gave all the Gryffindors detention because some bald man who calls himself 'Captain' Apparated onto school grounds!"

"Dumbledore will get us out of that," said Harry. "After all, the fucking cocksucker owes me total, lifelong obedience for getting Sirius killed!"

Just then, the door opened. It was Malfoy, leading the Captain and his men (and the woman, too). "That's him! That's the one you're looking for!" Draco was pointing at Harry. Harry felt his pants shrinking again at the sight of the woman. He was thinking of the orgasm he watched her have outside.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

The Captain, with an angry look to his face, said "Q! I knew you were behind this! I demand to know what you did with Starfleet Headquarters!"

"I'm sorry, but my name is Harry, not Queue," Harry did not know that the Captain was saying "Q" and not "Queue", because both are pronounced the same way.

"I'm sorry," said Hagrid, "but I don't know what yeh mean when yeh say 'Starfleet Headquarters.' Yer at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the finest wizardin' school there is!"

The Captain did not seem to comprehend what Hagrid had just said. "What did this man just say? He seems to have a severe speech impediment."

With that, Hagrid jumped on top of the Captain, and began stomping him into the floor.

"It appears that a large man is stomping you into the floor, Captain!" Data commented.

The Captain gasped his words between Hagrid's footsteps: "A large (umph!) man (humph!) IS stomp-(ughff)ing me! Get him off me!"

"It appears that you are instructing me to remove the man who appears to be stomping you. What's wrong, Troi?"

"Pain! Terrible (oof!) pain!" said Troi, her face screwing up in sync with Hagrid's footsteps. Her "pain" face looked just like her "orgasm" face. Harry seemed to be hiding his pelvis behind a chair.

"What kind of pain?"

"Like a (umph!) large m(uff)-man stom(huff!)ping me into (ughf) the floor!"

"But there does not appear to be a large man stomping you! He appears to be stomping only the Captain to death!" Data waved his electric shaver at Hagrid and the Captain, with a puzzled look on his face. "My tricorder reading shows that there actually is a large man there, and that the Captain actually is under him. It also shows that the large man's foot is making a stomping motion, kind of like this," he imitated Hagrid's stomping of the Captain, in slow motion, "and that it really is impacting the Captain's body, with considerable force. I'm beginning to believe that our Captain might be in some kind of danger! Perhaps if I can generate a posimetric subspace tachyon beam, I can determine if any real danger exists. But I'm going to have to call Geordi to figure out how to do that."

Meanwhile, the Captain was still being stomped into the floor by a large man. "Number One! Help me!"

Data responded: "Do you require assistance urinating, Captain, or are you asking Commander Riker to assist you in fighting off the man that actually is stomping you to death?"

Finally, the bearded man got out his telly changer and shot a red beam at Hagrid, who continued to stomp the Captain. The bearded man was joined by a very tall Black man with a badly deformed forehead in shooting what looked like two Stupefy curses at Hagrid. This wasn't enough, either. Soon, all of them except Data were attempting to Stupefy Hagrid. They finally succeeded. The Captain rolled out from under Hagrid, picked up Hagrid's kettle from the fireplace, and threw it at Data, who fell to the floor with it. Data said: "Oh, dear! I don't believe that this floor is entirely stable!"

The Captain was visibly upset with Data. "Get up, you stupid bucket of bolts!" He turned his attention back to Harry. "Now, Q, what have you done with---"


"How DARE you use the Dark Lord's name!" blurted Draco. Draco jumped across the room, landed on Harry's chest, and started beating the living shit out of him. Then he remembered that nobody was supposed to know that he was a Death Eater, let alone Harry Potter himself. He got off of Harry, kneeled down into the fetal position, and cried out, "MY LORD, I'M SORRY! PLEEEASE DON'T PUNISH ME!" Draco sat there and sobbed.

"I'll punish you for setting that stupid Captain on me!" said Harry. He flicked his wand at Draco, and said, "Reducio!" Draco shrunk to the size of a rat. Then Harry prepared to stomp him.

"Engorgio!" said Hermione, undoing Harry's curse. Harry's foot landed on Draco's hip. "Nice try, Potty!" taunted Draco.

The Captain was now ready to take care of business, once and for all. "You're coming with me, Q, and you're going to restore Starfleet Headquarters!"

But Hermione, remembering the spell cast by Professor Snape just moments earlier, said "Redacto!" The Captain and his men suddenly began to glow very brightly, as though sunlit. You see, they were now outside.

Harry decided to get one more peep-show out of the woman. He cast the spell "Orgasmo" at her, and she collapsed again, clasping her thighs together.

"Come on, Harry!" urged Hermione. "We have to get back to the castle before they see us again!" On his way out, Harry flicked his wand at Draco, whispering "Reducio Penis." Harry, Ron, and Hermione returned to the castle, and Snape quickly found them.

"Petrifying a Muggle?" spat Snape. "Perhaps you would like to become one, Potter. Give me your wand."

Harry hesitated.

"Give me your wand, you insolent little brat, or you'll wish you were never born." Snape grabbed Harry by the forearm and wrenched the wand from his grip. Unfortunately, from Snape's point of view, Dumbledore's authority was required in order to have Potter expelled. At the Gargoyle guarding the Headmaster's office, Snape said "Stawberry Pumpernickels," and the Gargoyle moved. Snape ushered Harry onto the moving staircase.

In Dumbledore's office, Snape appeared to actually be smiling. "I just witnessed Potter petrifying a Muggle," he gloated. "He is well on his way to a life of crime, just like his godfather, who is thankfully dead."

Wandless Harry gritted his teeth. If only he could get the wand, he could cast the Killing Curse on Snape for saying that.

"I trust that you will do the right thing, which is to turn him in to the proper authorities. I have confiscated his wand." Snape handed the wand to Headmaster Dumbledore.

"Have you anything to say in your defence, Harry?" said Headmaster Dumbledore.

But Snape interrupted: "What defence can there possibly be for this crime? It is cut and dried. Potter should be expelled at once, and sent to Azkaban."

Harry couldn't take it anymore. "SHUT UP! YOU belong in Azkaban, you bloody Death Eater!"

"Excuse me, Severus, but I am the headmaster of Hogwarts. Now Harry?"

Harry answered: "Those were no Muggles! They were wizards! They Apparated onto the school grounds. They tried to kidnap me! They were accusing me of destroying their headquarters!"

Snape shook his head, still grinning. "Obviously, Potter, you have quite an imagination, but no talent for lying," he said.

"He only brought me here because he's in league with Voldemort!" said Harry.

"Severus, I am cancelling the detention you have given to Gryffindor House," said the headmaster.

"What!" protested Snape.

"In light of these wizards, who can ignore the Anti-Disapparation Charm, it is unsafe for students to be out of their dormitories at night."

"You don't actually believe Potter, do you?"

"Severus, that is my final word." And with that, Harry was allowed to leave. At the bottom of the stairs, Snape stopped him again.

"You got lucky, this time, Potter. But mark my words: Before this year is over, I shall have your wand." Snape glared dangerously at Harry.

"Before this year is over," responded Harry, "you'll be in Azkaban."

"We'll see about that, Potter. But don't be surprised when I turn out to be right, as you rarely are."