Second Trinity Blood fic to date...

Characters: Able, Tres and Hugue.

This is not a YAOI fic - but I do poke fun at "brotherly love"... This is a totally random, cracked fic more based on my first impressions of the relationship between Abel and Tres in the first volume of Trinity Blood's manga.

Don't get me wrong. I like the anime. A lot. But there's something hilarious about the manga which you don't find in the anime. Tres and Abel in the manga are a really comic trio!

I hope this fic shows some of that.


Stake Out

"Rock! Paper! Scissors!"

There was a moment of silence.

"WAAAAHHHH! How do you do it?" wailed the loser as he stared down disconsolately at his 'paper' cut by his opponent's 'scissors'. "You're reading my mind!"

"Negative. Even I am unable to read a human's random brain wave patterns. But the chances of you using 'paper' were 21 to 1… better odds than 'rock' or 'scissors'."

"AHHH! This is no fun if you win all the time."

"Is that not the point?"

"Stop being so logical."

"Impossible."

"Never mind… how about Truth or Dare?"

"Guys."

"Truth or dare. I have not heard of this game before."

"It's easy. I ask you whether you want to do a truth or dare. If you choose truth, you have to answer a question of mine truthfully – lie and you lose. If you choose dare – you have to do something I dare you to do – if you fail to complete the – er – mission… you also fail… Or you can forfeit."

"This sounds highly illogical."

"Which is why we must play it. To even the playing field, so to speak."

"It makes no sense."

"Nonsense! It's an easy, fun game – or would you like to go back to counting the cobblestones on the street again?"

There was a pause.

"So you want to play or what?"
"Affirmative. Cobblestones tax my –"

"Nevermind. Remember! This is an all or nothing game!"

"Confirmed."
"So… me first… Truth or dare? You choose."

There was a pause.

Their partner in the back sighed.

"Guys…"

"Truth."

"Yes. Yes… let's see… have you ever wanted to date?"

There was another groan from the back.

"Negative."

"No?"

"I never received relations programming of any sexual kind."

"No kidding," muttered the blonde behind his two partners.

"You're no fun."

"That does not compute."

"Yeah," interjected the man in the back, "Like you should talk, Abel."

"Well… I should've guessed. Do you EVER feel - I don't know – lonely?"

"That is a second question, Father. The parameter was one question only."

"Oh! Yes! Yes! You go then!"

"Guys…" Their now irate partner growled impatiently.

"Truth or Dare?"
"Ummm… Truth…"

There was another pause.

"Do you consider Sister Esther as an attractive female?"
"No! – I mean – yes – erm…"
"Do you forfeit?"

"No! No! No! I mean – yes. I mean. She's attractive – but – er – um – I never – you know – I'M NOT PERVERTED, TRES! What kind of a question is that?"

"It is what Father Dandylion calls a 'trick question'."

"Have mercy!"

"Negative. This game is 'all or nothing'."

"Okay, okay. But I get the win."

"I concur."

"It's a tie. 1 to 1. Father Hugue. You can keep score."

"Absolutely not. There's no way I'm going to encourage this lunacy."
"PLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!"

Hugue sighed at the sight of Abel's pleading blue eyes.

"Fine. Whatever," the man known as Sword Dancer gritted out.

"Right!" Abel turned to his regular partner in crime – Tres.

The Gunslinger of AX was in charge of the vehicle – sitting in the driver's seat – looking every inch the innocent priest. Abel sat beside him, Hugue sprawled in the back, grumpily.

Not for the first time that afternoon, he vowed he would never be stuck in the same car as his two fellow priests EVER AGAIN.

The sheer stupidity of the two drove him nuts.

How can they laugh – when there is nothing to laugh about? Here we are – staking out the house of a malicious, murderous vampire and they are playing parlour games?

The blonde Sword Dancer sighed in disgust.

"So… truth or dare?" asked the grey-haired priest, shifting his round glasses more securely onto his nose with his third finger.

"Dare."

"Okay… hmmm… I dare you – I dare you to – ummmm…. Prank call Caterina-sama…"

"Abel – Guys… No… I wouldn't suggest –" interjected Hugue, wondering yet again how many sugar cubes Abel had dumped into his tea canteen.

Lord. Let Tres be sensible.

God was obviously in because Tres shook his head.

"Negative, Father Nightroad. My programming disallows any form of hacking."

"It's NOT hacking."

"Positive. But it is 1500 in Rome presently – Caterina-sama is in conference – and would experience negative side effects to such a ploy – and then, so would we…."

"Kill joy," sighed Abel. "Fine. How about turning on the fire alarms in the Inquisitor's quarters?"

There was a pause.

Hugue slumped back, one hand over his eyes.

Why? Why me?

"Mission complete," intoned Tres.

"Prove it."

Tres switched the frequency of their headsets to the audio surveillance of the Inquisitor's quarters.

They could hear the brothers and sisters swearing and screaming as the alarms sounded.

Just as suddenly, the headsets switched back to regular AX lines.

"THAT'S SO COOL, TRES!" Abel clapped his hands. "Now! It's my turn!"

"Truth or dare?" asked Tres rhetorically.

"Dare."

"I dare you to embrace Father Hugue."

"WHAT?" wailed Father Abel.

"WWWHHHHAATTT!" growled Hugue.

"Stop being a pervert, Tres!"

"I do not understand," blinked the robot.

"I didn't force you to prank Caterina-sama," Abel whined. "This is the same!"

"Negative. This request has no impact on our work or mission."

"LIKE HELL IT DOES!" bellowed Hugue. "Let him go, Tres!"

"Well… a dare is a dare…"

Abel turned around and dove into the back, firmly pinning a yelling Hugue down. The car rocked.

"Get off of me, lunatic!"

"It's just a hug and a kiss!"

"No – no – no – no –"

"Just a kiss between brothers in the Lord!"

"I don't need to be kissed to know we're brothers in the Lord."

"You don't like me?"

"That's NOT what this is about – you know that! I – GAH!"

Hugue's complaining was muffled as Abel capably wrapped his arms around the man's neck.

Tres turned away from the sight of a tomato-red Hugue being kissed soundly on the cheek by Abel.

"Positive, Caterina-sama. We found the vampire… Negative. He has not emerged from the house."

"What's that noise?" the blonde-haired cardinal asked curiously at the sounds of thuds and yells filtering into her headset. "Is it an attack?"

"Negative."

"What – is there a problem?"

"Negative. Abel-san is merely trying to embrace Father Hugue as per my orders."

Caterina chuckled at the vision.

He needs it – Abel's always a good cure…

"Tres…"

"Perhaps Father Nightroad can enlighten you – when he has the time – a mission called Truth and Dare…"

"Truth and Dare, huh?" Caterina mused. "Is there a connection with the Inquisition department's false fire alarm?"

There was a tactful silence.

"Forget I asked," sighed the Lady Caterina.

"Complying as ordered. Do you wish us to remove the vampire or report back?"

"Report back. And tell those two jokers to stop with the kiddie games…"

"Hey, it wasn't me!" Hugue's howl was cut off as Abel's foot planted firmly in his face.

"Affirmative, Caterina-sama. I will tell Father Hugue to calm down."

The Lady cut out before Hugue could even hail her.

"Father Abel," Tres said seriously as he started the ancient automobile and jerked it into reverse. "You should stay seated in a moving vehicle."

Father Abel finished sliding back into his front seat position.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

"We must rendezvous with the Cardinal at once."

"You guys," huffed Hugue, his long blonde hair frazzled and flying everywhere. "You guys will have a lot of explaining to do!"

"But we were boorrreed!" Abel whimpered, as he turned his blue-eyed puppy gaze on Hugue.

Tres turned as well – his dark eyes unreadable – but around his mouth, a small smile played.

The Sword Dancer deflated.

"Whatever. Forget it. Just remind me to never piss off the Lady again – I don't want to be trapped with you guys on a stake out again!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Abel, turning around in his seat fully to loom over his newest partner.

"What do YOU think?"

"Father Nightroad. I suggest you sit in your seat properly. You are violating three driving regulations."

"He's insulting us, Tres."

"Because, you're behaving like children! You aren't taking your job seriously."

Hugue started at the suddenly solemn face of Abel, who turned away and sitting down, looked out of the window somberly.

"Sometimes, Hugue-san. It's best to laugh – when you feel like crying."

"Abel-san…"

"So you want to save them all and make life better for the rest of the world – but –"

Abel sighed.

"Sometimes you have to be careful – if you find no balance, you become just as monstrous as the one you oppose."

"Affirmative."

"You agree, Tres?"

"Positive. Even though I am incapable of human emotion it is important to for me to understand my own programming."

"Yes… that's – sort of what I meant…"

Hugue, watching the two AX members grin at each other, couldn't help but smile a little.

Perhaps I should lighten up a little and enjoy what life I have got – after all, how can I bring hope when I have none for myself?

"AHHH! Look! Hugue-san looks quite nice with his smile! Don't you agree?"

"Positive."

"Shut up, idiots," Hugue growled. "Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean you can force me into your kid's games…"

"Young at heart! Young at heart!"

"Don't you mean soft in the head?"

"Ehhh? So mean, Hugue-san!"
"Negative. Hugue-san is right. All brain matter is soft."

"Tres!"

And so they drove off into the sun.