A little something that came to mind when I was reading DN fics.


mistdevil, for the bigger apple, the love, the "imaginative" suggestions for titles.

aRAUCANA, (the JOINT, For the Love of Cake, that I kind of ditched because your ideas are so crackheart) for the motivation, the ideas (hell you practically gave me the bickering part when I was stuck) and the CRACK HUMOR :3

Notes: Some of the dialogues at the beginning are taken from the translation, changed around a bit.

Pretend that Ryuk writes in katakana. Or was it hiragana? Ah, just pretend he doesn't write kanji ;( It will make much more sense.

WARNING: Chapter 107 Spoilers, crude language (as usual)

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, I wish.


For the Love of Apples


The pain was still rippling through his hands like claws tearing at his flesh. The blood dripped onto the dusty, cold floor. But the funny thing was, Raito hardly felt it.

Only his dreams mattered.


No, no, his life, his life, nothing was going the way he had wanted. It was all going to shit.

The panic was gripping him. He hasn't felt such fear such the first chapter of volume one.

Matsuda looked shaken. The bastard should have been, taking that shot at him. He was always the only one so trustworthy, so easy, so gullible.

If even he was turning against Raito, then…

You can't win, Near told him. No matter what. Give up and turn yourself in.

The thought was so absurd, Raito almost laughed in his face.

No, no, no

Ryuk, he breathed.

The death god only watched him with amused, hollow eyes. His lips were curved in that permanent smile, always mocking. Raito never paid much attention to Ryuk's features. It seemed, now, to grip him with an icy shudder.

Breathe, breathe, breathe

"Ryuk," he said louder, clearer. He was rasping, and his voice was coming in short, painful gasps. He was aware of Near's movements, the way his eyes glanced to the shinigami on the side. "Write down their names."

Aizawa and the others tensed.

Ryuk grinned wider.

"Write it, now!" Raito repeated.

"I just wanted to see how far you could make it without me. Looks like you can't last much longer. Sorry" although Ryuk certainly didn't look sorry, "you die now."

So to Ryuk, it was all just entertainment.

Nothing more.

His body was shaking uncontrollably, stone cold.

So, so cold.

It couldn't end here, it couldn't. His stomach lurched, his hands tried to clutch at Ryuk, to beat him up, to throttle him, anything.

Near spoke up, eyes flickering. Was it pity in those dark orbs?

"If the shinigami was going to write down our names, he would have done it already. That means he's no help to you at all."

No, no, no this can't be this can't be this is

He rolled over, heart beating, beating, screaming when—ouch, he felt it. He felt the object in his pocket pressing firmly against his ass. He grasped at it.


It was a deal, and Raito knew it was a stupid one. It was his last option, so degraded that it would come down to something like this. Raito wasn't surprised when Ryuk's face remained unchanged, not a flash of excitement for his addiction, nothing. Time's viscosity thickened, his heart clawing, thumping in his ears. His face was pressed against the floor, a stray glass shard cutting into his face.

He didn't feel it.

He closed his eyes, maybe, maybe, there wasn't anything left to-


Did he hear the shinigami correctly?

Oh, but he must have, because Ryuk was scribbling deliriously on the black notebook, singing, "Apples, apples, lovely LOLZ apples, not a drug for you but for meeeeeeeehehehe LOLZ."

Not a dream, no, it wasn't.

He was saved, saved!

Thank god Ryuk's such a-

"I have a bigger apple," Near interrupted calmly.

Ryuk's eyes shifted and his hand stopped.

Oh fuck no. NO.

"TAKE THIS ONE, YOU LOLZFUCKER!" Raito quickly produced the smushed apple from his back pocket.

Ryuk squealed happily and everyone winced.

"Only," Raito snarled, "after you kill them all!"

"But Ryuk-sama, I know a good producer for the largest apples in the world."

By now, Raito was on his feet, his seizure and terror (and the bullet wound) forgotten. How dare Near challenge him to win over Ryuk! Whao, that sounded wrong.

"Shut the fuck up, Ryuk knows he wants mine more!"

"But it's looking pretty battered, and all the sweetness has been dried, being in your pocket so long."

"Who cares! I don't see you with an apple in your possession so you're one to talk!"

"Quite the contrary," Near answered, "I can provide Ryuk-sama with 98377453.52 tons of apples annually if I wanted to. Any type of his choice. Dyed to any color."

At this, Ryuk's eyes widened and instantly floated over to grace at Near's side. "Please treat me well LOLZ."

"TRAITOR!" Raito screamed. "After all I've done for you, using up all my allowance for your apples, and this is how you repay me!" His knees hit the ground. He had sacrificed buying those efficient Super Grip pt. 0.7 lead pencils just because Ryuk was badgering him over some Fuji apples.

"The problem is, Yagami-san," Near began, amusement in his eyes, "You're much too poor."

"What!" But in his heart, Raito knew it to be true. "I-I can get a job! I'm smart!"

"But I'm smarter than you. You lost. And I'm already richer. L's fortune is rightfully mine."

Aw damn.

Raito sniffed, pointing a finger at Near's reclining figure. "Don't trust him, Ryuk! He'll just spent it all on toys and Legos!"

"Can you guys just get on with this already," Ryuk whined, drawing circles on the floor. "I'm LOLZ hungry."

"I have an apple. Right. Here!" God, Raito wanted to smack him upside the head many, many times. "If you had written their names, I would have already given it to you!"

"Oh, Ryuk-sama. I have a simple solution. Just kill Yagami-san and then eat the apple."

Why was he telling Ryuk to kill him? Was it just Raito or did Near seem very OOC?

Ryuk considered this. It wasn't such a bad idea, was it?

"You may have an apple castle, if you'd like."










"W-wait! You can't have your apple castle even if you wanted to!"

Ryuk stopped writing for the third time that day, looking up curiously.

Raito smiled, it was brilliant. "Near won't be taking ownership of the Death Note. Who else will there be? Kill me, and you'll have to go back to the shinigami world, back to eating dust. It's an empty promise."

Near opened his mouth-

CLOSE IT NOW, Raito mentally screamed at him.

"That's not a problem, I already know who we can hand the ownership to, after you die," Near reached into his pockets, and Raito squinted, he couldn't see, couldn't see what Near was holding in his hands-

"See? He'll keep Ryuk bound to this world, so he can fully enjoy his apples and wrap up his end of the deal."

You've got to be kidding me.

"Isn't he cute? I named him Ham-Ham-Hamtaro-chan."

You've got to be-


But Raito couldn't say anymore because he was already…