A/N: Hopefully funny. I just wrote it because the thought of telemarketers and how much I hate them came into my mind last night and this popped out. I'm so sorry if you're a telemarketer! Please don't take offense! Or if you share a name with any of my four telemarketers!
Jack growled low in his throat as the phone rang again. He threw his fork down onto the table, looking at Sam with an exasperated expression as he picked up his house phone that no one really used and he still wondered why he had it hooked up.
"O'Neill," he barked into the receiver.
"Jonathan O'Neill?" a female voice said on the other end. "My name is Cynthia White, I'm calling from SBCGlobal about your …"
"Hello?" Jack said in a French accent, ""Comment vous appelez-vous? Hello?"
"Hello, sir!" the woman on the other end nearly shouted, "My name is Cynthia White."
"Je m'appelle Jacque. Comment vous appelez-vous?"
The woman growled in frustration and hung up. Jack put the phone back on the receiver and grinned at Sam, who was looking at him in shock. "Works every time."
"Hello?" Daniel asked as he picked up his cell phone.
"Hello, is Daniel Jackson there, please?"
Daniel rolled his eyes, "What is this regarding?"
"This is regarding the loan Mr. Jackson applied for at the bank last week."
An evil idea popped into Daniel's mind as he replied, "Carl, is that you?"
"Um, no sir, my name is Robert."
"Carl, I told you Maryanne didn't come here after she left you! You're going to have to try Bill's house. Stop calling me!"
"Sir, I..uh, don't know what you're talking about."
"Of course you do, Carl. Now stop calling me – I didn't steal your girl!" and with that Daniel hung up his phone with a grin. Telemarketers could be hell.
Teal'c walked into his apartment only to hear the phone ring. "Greetings," he said as he picked it up – he'd only given this number to SGC personnel…and that time he bought the masks on line.
"Hello, is Mr. Murray available?"
"What is the nature of this phone call?"
"Sir, my name is Anna Banane and I'm calling from about a special deal we want to make just for you."
Teal'c raised his eyebrow…so this is what O'Neill meant when he said 'telemarketer'. People propositioning you to buy items you do not require over the telephone. Taking a lesson out of the O'Neill handbook, Teal'c handled it the only way he knew how: flirting – Jaffa style.
"I am a follower of the god Apophis," he said with mischief in his eyes but his voice monotone as always. "Who is your god?"
"Umm, sir?" the woman chocked on the other end. "What are you talking about?"
"I am able to bench press 500 pounds…I could probably bench press you in the bedroom," Teal'c said, quite liking the thrill he got from tormenting the poor woman in this manner.
The ring tone on the other end greeted his last statement. With a smile scarier than his frown, Teal'c hung up the phone and went to cook dinner.
"Carter," Sam said as she answered her cell phone.
"Hello, Ms. Carter? My name is Beth Butler and I'm calling from Verizon Wireless about a brand new deal we have in the works for unlimited nationwide calls."
Sam grinned mischievously as she glanced at Janet, letting her know with a look who was on the phone. "What are you wearing?"
"You heard me – what color's your underwear? Mine's pink."
"Ma'am, I…I'm not that kind of woman."
"Oh, come on now, don't play coy – I know you want me. This is the fifth time you've called in the past two days."
"Ma'am this is the first time I've called this number in my life."
"Now, now, Bethy, don't play with me now. I know it was you who called me and asked me to have phone sex! If you don't want to remember our love affair – FINE! I'll just go back to Jack! He loves me!" Sam harshly pressed the 'End Call' button on her cell before bursting out into laughter with Janet close behind.
A few minutes later, when both women had quieted from their laughing, Janet looked at Sam oddly, "When did Jack tell you that he loves you?"
Sam's face turned twenty-five different shades of pink and red as she tried to think up an answer that did not involve last night's "tumble through the clovers".
"Umm, I gotta go, Janet! See you later!" Sam rushed from the infirmary, intent on thinking up a plausible reason before the next time she saw Janet.
Janet watched her go with eyes squinted in a glare, "That's why I always just hang up on telemarketers the minute they start talking."
A/N: The French is real...but I think I spelled something wrong (and have the wrong sentence structure on that). But what Jack is first asking is "What is your name? My name is Jack. Your name is...?" Please review!