The System Lord who got Screwed by Tech Support
Or: More Proof That Chibi Horsewoman isn't sane
Or: Ba'al Gets Owned
Summary: Ba'al is having some troubles with his ship-well okay his ship's TV- so he decides to call Tech support. Well apparently even system lords can't get a break from those guys. Read and hopefully laugh.
Disclaimer: Her preference to the company of flying monkeys over human beings…her physical ugliness combined with a taste for the flashiest footwear… her aversion to water (whatever did she mix with her bourbon?)- Winnie Holzman the author of Wicked
Dedication: To Duckie who liked the idea, BookWorm37 for inspiration… and comic Stargate writers.
Ba'al was having a crappy day. First the hot water heater had burst on his ship right in the middle of his shower, then he got shampoo in his eyes and finally to top it all off his TV went on the blink right in the middle of a Stargate Atlantis marathon (Hey, maybe he has a thing for Dr. Weir?) So while the plumber was messing with the water heater, Ba'al decided to call tech support to work on the TV.
So Ba'al pulled out his local white pages and dialed the tech support number for intergalactic televisions.
"Hello?" The male voice on the other end
"Tech support I have a problem with my television." Ba'al got right to the point not noticing that the voice on the other end sounded vaguely familiar. "You must help me immediately."
"Okay let me put you on hold." The voice replied completely ignoring Ba'al's demand.
"But…." It was no use protesting, the sound of Celine Dion's voice singing My Heart Will Go On filled his ears. "Curse you Celine Dion!"
The song finished and Ba'al kept impatiently tapping his foot while You'll Always be my Baby by Mariah Carey played and he missed precious minutes of Stargate Atlantis. Ba'al worried that he would never figure out the plot of the first season.
By the grace of God that song was interrupted. "Hey, so what can I do for you today sir?" The same voice asked.
"No, Mariah Carey." (1) The tech guy corrected.
Ba'al ignored that correction. "My ship's television is broken and you must help me fix it post haste." Ba'al was beginning to seethe and he'd only been on the phone with the guy for about two minutes.
"And why should I fix it so fast sir?"
"Because I am a god!" Ba'al announced with some disdain.
"Sure you are buddy."
"But I am! I have a great many followers."
"Oh sure you are. If you're such a god why don't you fix your own TV? Or get one of your followers to do it for you?" The tech guy was getting very sarcastic and in Ba'al's opinion very unprofessional.
"Because I am a god and I don't do such menial tasks such as fix televisions on my ship." Ba'al did his best to sound as haughty as possible.
"Yeah whatever. Can you hold please?" Without waiting for a reply the tech guy put Ba'al on hold for a second time and Macarena by Los Del Rio came out of the receiver. (Thank you for the suggestion Lili)
Well, at least this time Ba'al could brush up on the dance steps as he groused to himself. "Of all the nerve. Why I have a mind to send this guy a gift!" (2)
"Are you still there sir?" The tech support guy asked rousing Ba'al from his reverie.
"Yes I'm here you insignificant worm." Ba'al sneered.
"Hey, no need for name calling. Do you have your TV near you?"
"Of course. The non functioning TV is right next to me. When shall I send it to you?"
"Oh you're not sending anything to me." The tech guy replied, "I'm going to help you fix it over the phone. Now carefully remove the TV back and… Oh dammit I have to put you on hold again! Just take the back off."
Ba'al was put on hold yet again and the Mission Impossible theme played into the receiver. He went to look at the back of the TV and was perplexed when he saw a label saying: removal of this back bad idea. Explosion and death could be caused. But hey, the tech guy said that he should remove the back so maybe the label was wrong. Actually Ba'al was wrong because the back of the TV started to smoke just a bit and a few flames shot out from the wires singing his beard. But after fixing that with a fire extinguisher the fire was out and Ba'al was ready to fix his TV so he could at least catch the episode where McKay fantasizes about Carter. "Mmm Carter."
"Oh? Did you remove the back of the TV yet?" The tech guy seemed somewhat disappointed that Ba'al was still on the line.
"What?" The system Lord felt his face heat up because he suspected that the tech guy had heard him mumbling about Col. Carter. "Yes, I did and there was a fire."
"Oh cry me a river then build a bridge and get over it. Do you see the pink wires?"
"Yes I see the pink wires."
"Remove them, then cross them with the green wires. And then… Hey I have to put you on hold again."
The tech support guy put Ba'al on hold again and Girls Just Wanna Have fun by Cindy Lauper filled Ba'al's ears. For a lack of anything better to do the system Lord decided to follow the Tech guy's instructions and the TV just spontaneously combusted.
Actually it wasn't all that spontaneous because Ba'al was messing with it. So now the ship was filled with TV pieces and a very pissed of Goa'uld.
"Hey you still there buddy?" The tech guy asked sounding smug.
"Yes I am. You rude unhelpful human. When I find out who you are…!"
"Hey, I didn't do a damn thing."
"My TV exploded because of what you said to do."
"Hey, you're a god. You should have been able to stop that."
"No, chicken salad. I was eating my lunch while I was helping you." The tech guy replied.
"You can't be serious." Ba'al was in shock.
"Actually I can, I just choose not to at this time."
"Do you have any idea what your impudence has done to my plasma TV?"
"Not really I mean, impudence, what does that word mean?"
"You'll be hearing from my attorney." That was Ba'al's final threat as he slammed down the phone.
Back at SGC a certain blue eyed archeologist had just fallen out of his chair from laughing too hard.
"Daniel Jackson? What is the matter with you?" Teal'C asked concerned.
Daniel looked up embarrassed. "Oh Teal'C you would not believe what I just did." And with that he began to tell his Jaffa friend about what he had done to Ba'al.
Meanwhile back on his ship, Ba'al was having more problems.
"Hello, you've reached the office of Charles, Edward, and Cook can you please hold?" Without waiting for an answer the secretary put Ba'al on hold and The Power of Love by Celine Dion played over the phone.
Heh I bet I had everyone going until the very end didn't I? Yes I am so good! Read and review will you please?
1.) An altered line from Abyss. Originally after O'Neill said he had just gotten back from brunch and Ba'al said Impertinence O'Neill replied no, Tuna. But As you can see, that wasn't even O'Neill.
2.) For those who don't know, Ba'al is quite infamous for giving people he doesn't like explosives disguised as presents.