A/N: So... this little "story" resulted from being a little too sleepy while discussing Mary Sues with my bestest internet bud. She then insisted that I post it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story except for one character. I think you'll know who that character is.
It was a beautiful day... er... night in The World That Never Was; the moon was illuminating the lonely streets and the stars were shining brightly in the dark sky. And the members of Organization XIII were on their hunt for the missing thirteenth member.
In fact, it was the best friend of said member who was striding down the street right now. Number VIII. The Flurry of Dancing Flames. Otherwise known as Axel.
So, it was with great purpose that The Lord of the Dance,... er... Flames, was striding down the street. He was on a mission. He was to save his best friend before the Organization decided to eliminate the errant member.
And, it was while Axel was treading through the darkness when a young woman, covered completely in a black cloak (much like his own) stepped in front of him, barring his path. "Stop!" she said, holding up her black gloved hand. "I cannot let you pass!"
"Um.. yeah... whatever," the crimson haired man muttered as he calmly pushed the girl aside and continued on his way... Only to be blocked by her once again. "Hey... wait a minute... weren't you just back there?" He pointed over his shoulder at where the girl was standing just seconds ago.
"Yes, I was. But, if you must know, I can teleport myself from location to location without so much as a blink of an eye," the still cloaked girl said rather dramatically, her voice dropping a few octaves to make it sound even more dramatic.
"Okay, Miss Teleporting Girl, if you don't mind, I have places to see and people to do." Axel started to slide past her when she suddenly grabbed his arm and, with her other hand, threw her hood off her head. Axel simply raised an eyebrow at her.
Long, iridescent locks trailed down her back, most of them pulled into a loose braid with a few wispy tendrils escaping and framing her face. Vibrant amethyst eyes stared at Axel imploringly. "You cannot go! You will be die if you go!" Her grip tightened on his arm, and tears started to pool in her eyes.
"Yeah..." Axel drawled, looking at the girl as though she were insane. "Do you have a name, Miss Teleporting Girl? Is there someone –cough–mental hospital–cough– I should call?"
"My name," she uttered melancholically, "has been lost in the ravages of time. I do not remember what it once was, but now, I go by MaryxSue, Member VIIIv of the Organization."
Tiredly, Axel raised a hand to his brow and gingerly massaged his temples. "Member VIIIv... is that like Member 8.5 or something?" He could feel his eye beginning to twitch.
"Yes. 8.5," she whispered, her now cerulean eyes dropping to stare at the ground. "I was not allowed to have my own number, so the number VIIIv was bequeathed upon me." When she lifted her head, crystalline tears were streaming down her face. "I yearn to be what I once was, but, alas, when the Heartless destroyed my family, I lost my heart as well. And, now... I am... a ... nobody!"
Axel decided that this was just going to be one of those days where you wished you had never got out of bed. "The Heartless destroyed your family, huh?" he asked while inwardly he was wondering if killing her would be the right course of action or should he call someone that could help her. Perhaps a 'hug-me' jacket was in order?
"Yes, the Heartless murdered my family when I was only eight years old. And I have spent the last twelve years honing my skills as a warrior to avenge my families," she declared breathlessly, eyes changing from cerulean to a bright, emerald green.
"Uh huh..." the fire wielder muttered, the twitch in his eye going like mad. "Families, huh? How many families did you have exactly?" He decided that if he could keep her talking, maybe someone else might come along and help him with his little dilemma.
MaryxSue stopped to take a gasping breath and wipe her eyes. She also took a moment to shake out the braid in her iridescent locks and allow them to cascade down her back to her knees. "Both my families were murdered by the Heartless, yes. First, my human family. And, then, in the dead of night, the Heartless destroyed the pack of peccaries that took me in when my human family died." Her voice broke when she spoke of her peccary family.
A laugh escaped Axel's throat. "You were... raised... by... pigs!" he asked incredulously as he guffawed loudly, bent over and occasionally slapping his knee.
Now claret eyes narrowed in anger as she glared at Axel. "They were peccaries," she said rather indignantly.
"Peccaries, pigs.. .same thing," the man said indifferently as he waved his hand towards her. "So, does that make you a pig as... But, soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and MaryxSue is the sun." His aqua eyes widened in horror as he listened to the words spewing out of his mouth.
In front of him, MaryxSue was sighing with a lovesick expression on her face. "That's so sweet of you to say, Axel!" she exclaimed, grabbing onto his arm and hugging it to her breast. Amethyst orbs stared up at him lovingly.
"What the fuck just happened!" Axel shrugged MaryxSue off of him like she was some kind of plague and started to back away, hands held up in front of him. "How the hell did you get me to say... I love you, MaryxSue!" He clamped gloved hands over his mouth before more words could escape.
MaryxSue's eyes widened. "Really? I love you, too, Axel-kins!" She launched herself at him and hugged him around the middle.
"Get OFF me!" the red head screamed, sounding almost like a little girl, as he shoved the woman away from him. "What kind of witch... let's go find some place quiet to talk about how much I love you and, MaryxSue, will you marry–" He managed to clamp his mouth shut before the rest of that sentence could get out, but it was too late.
"Of COURSE I'll marry you, Axel-poo!" she exclaimed, almost bouncing around in her joy. "We can lots of kids! A few boys and a few girls and they will all have your red hair and my eyes..."
Axel tuned her out, trying to find a way to escape and get some reinforcements before he headed out in search of Roxas again. Just then, a swirling purple portal of darkness opened up behind her and another person cloaked in black emerged. For a moment, Axel was afraid another MaryxSue had walked through, but the sitar in the figure's hands gave it away as Demyx.
Unfortunately for MaryxSue, she was still lost in her own world and babbling about the house, kids, pets, etc that she and Axel would have when Demyx simply hit her over the head with his sitar since she was in his way.
For the first time since he had met the blond, Axel felt indebted to him. "Demyx," the fire wielder began with relief, "if I swung that way, I'd kiss you."
Demyx removed his hood and gave Axel a little smirk. "Really, now?" And before Axel could protest, the musician had him in a lip-lock, ignoring the fact that the red head was trying desperately to escape.
In the background, MaryxSue began to twitch spasmodically as she saw the love of her life in a lip-lock with another man. As the kiss dragged on, smoke began to pour out of MaryxSue's ears and, soon, she exploded in a puff of smoke, leaving nothing behind but her cloak.
Finally, Axel escaped from Demyx and furiously began wiping his lips. "I said if I swung that way! IF! Got it memorized!"
There is no particular story I'm making fun of. In fact, it's been a long while since I've read anything in the fandom at all. It's just a general parody of Mary Sues.
And, edited and reposted to give both the Vulpes Lapis and one of her teachers, Miss Weaver, credit for the phrase "hug me jacket," which is a straight jacket if you couldn't figure it out.