Harry sat on his four-poster bed, on a Saturday night. He was looking idly at the Marauders map. He looked down and saw Malfoy's labeled dot, with Pansy Parkinson's in a broom closet.
"Somebody's not following the rules," he said quietly to himself, and remembered that Hermione was patrolling tonight. Hoping that Hermione would catch them, Harry looked back down at the map.
Instead of seeing the normal map of Hogwarts, and the little dots, words were appearing on the parchment. Harry pushed his glasses further up his nose and watched words unfold onto the parchment:
The Marauders Present:
The Official Rules of The Marauders
As told by:
Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
1. Do not talk while eating.
Wormtail: Wait, does this count feasts too?
Moony: No. I think those are important.
Padfoot: Who came up with this rule anyway?
Prongs: You did.
Moony: Yes you did, and I for one, whole-heartedly believe in this rule.
Moony: Have you ever seen yourself talking while eating? It's very disturbing.
2. Moony's 'furry little problem' is not to be talked about under the code name 'Moony's time of the month'.
Moony: (shivers) Ew . . . that is so wrong.
Padfoot: What? You don't like the rule?
Moony: (sighs) I like the rule. I just remembered the time that Bertha Jorkins heard Peter call it my time of the month. Everybody was under the impression that I was a woman who had just gone under a sex change. It took weeks to get that rumor straightened out.
3. Slytherins are bad people. Association (aside from inflicting pain upon them) with the Slytherins will cause you to be kicked out of the Marauders group. Permanently.
Wormtail: Don't you think this is a bit harsh?
Moony, Prongs, and Padfoot: No!
Padfoot: Nuff said.
Prongs: Onto the next rule!
Moony: That was a little too much zeal, Prongs. You sound like Sir Codagon.
4. Lily Evans is the most beautiful thing to have ever walked this Earth.
Prongs: Yeah she is!
Moony: That can't be a rule. We don't ALL love Lily in the same obsessive way that you do. She's pretty but I don't think she's the 'most beautiful thing to have ever walked this Earth'.
Padfoot: Yeah, mate. She's pretty, but I agree with Moony. Wormtail?
Wormtail: … Uh, what they said.
Prongs: TRAITOR! DO YOU HAVE A SECRET EVIL PLAN TO TAKE LILY AWAY FROM ME?
Moony: Calm down Prongs. You don't even go out with Lily yet. She's not 'yours'. And she wouldn't appreciate it if you talked about her like that.
Prongs: How do you know so much about Lily?
Moony: She's my friend.
Prongs: Hmm.. . I might have to investigate on that one.
Padfoot: Shut up Prongs. Just drop it.
5. Thou shall not drink excessive amounts of Firewhiskey. Three or four shots are enough.
Padfoot: Mmoonnyy! Why not?
Moony: Have you ever seen yourself after you get drunk? No. But I have and it is not pretty. Besides you can't think up pranks as well when you're drunk.
Prongs: (snickering) And Wormtail can't hold his booze well.
Wormtail: Can too!
Prongs: Fine. We'll give you Firewhiskey tonight. I bet you'll start chucking it up within the hour.
Padfoot: Half hour
Moony: Ten minutes.
Wormtail: (pouts) No fair.
6. Monopoly is the official game of The Marauders. Deal with it.
Wormtail: There's not much to say after that one.
Prongs: Righto. To the next one then?
7. Do not disrespect the Beech Tree.
Moony: Does anybody else think it odd, how obsessive Mr. Prongs is over that one tree?
Wormtail and Padfoot: Yes
Prongs: Do you guys HAVE to gang up on me? I'm just looking out for the tree's well being, okay?
Moony: That's what you say, but if you had the chance would you or would you not adopt that tree?
Padfoot: Adopt a tree? You can't do that can you?
Prongs: No, er, I wouldn't adopt the Beech Tree.
Moony: (scoffing) That's what you say. But wait until we let the Slytherins have it.
Prongs: You wouldn't let the Slytherins take Joey away from me?
Wormtail: You named it Joey?
Prongs: Next rule.
8. Marauders must always think on their feet.
Wormtail: Why do I feel that this one is directed towards me?
Padfoot: Cause, because of you, we have detention this Friday.
Wormtail: Well, sorry! I was stuck!
Prongs: Even Snivellus can come up with a better reason as to why we're out of bed late than, "I ran out of parchment for my essay so I came to look for some in the castle."
Wormtail: I don't see what's wrong with that excuse!
Moony: It would have worked, had we been near the library, but while outside the kitchens with éclairs hidden under the cloak, that excuse was bogus.
Padfoot: Its okay, we'll get you help.
9. Don't feed Padfoot coffee while he's a dog.
Prongs: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I remember that!
Moony: (laughing) I know! That was hilarious!
Padfoot: I don't find that memory so funny.
Wormtail: Me either. Which is why this is now a rule.
Prongs: Lighten up Wormtail; we only did it for fun.
Wormtail: It was only fun for you and Moony.
Moony: Fine. No more caffeine for Padfoot. But it was hilarious when he tried to hump your leg.
Wormtail: Next rule.
Padfoot: I concur.
Prongs: Just say agree, leg-humper.
10. Don't try to steal McGonagall's ginger newts anymore.
Moony: I don't even know why we stole those.
Wormtail: Because, Padfoot thought they had special powers to make students obey her and he felt we had to check.
Padfoot: Well, I still don't know why we got detention for it.
Wormtail: Because we put fizzing whizbee's in it instead and threw the newts out of the window and they fell on third years.
Prongs: You have the shortest attention span ever.
11. Do not ask McGonagall if she and Professor Dumbledore if they're having a secret affair. It will only lead to embarrassment.
Padfoot: That was the most awkward conversation I've ever had in my life.
Moony: Yeah… and when McGonagall started to blush
Wormtail: Well thanks, now I have those images back in my head that took me forever to get rid of.
Prongs: Sorry about that.
Thank you for reading.
Always remember to uphold the rules to the best of your abilities.
Messers. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
"Ron! Ron come look at this," Harry stage-whispered to Ron snatching his attention away from his Quidditch magazine. "Look at this."
Ron's eyes scanned up and down the parchment, at the words written in front of me.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know about you Harry, but I have a newfound respect for Lupin. Do you?"
"Yeah…but I want some fizzing whizbee's now too."
&&: I don't know where this came from, I was just bored and started typing, but if you liked it review, and if you think it was horribly stupid, review anyway, I'd like to know.
Have a nice day.