A/N: Here's my Wizard of Oz parody. If you've seen Wicked, you'll get more of the jokes, but it's still funny anyway.
Disclaimer: It's not mine, it's public domain.
Aunt Em: Dorothy! Dorothy! Where's that girl! What kind of idiot goes out in a tornado?
Uncle Henry: She's probably chasing that dumb rodent-dog.
Aunt Em: I hate that dog. Why'd we let her get it?
Uncle Henry: It's less annoying than her whining 24/7 about getting a dog.
Aunt Em: So true.
(they both go in the cellar)
Dorothy: (walks into the empty house carrying Toto) Oh crap, my aunt and uncle went in the cellar without me. Don't I feel loved. (she falls on the floor and the house starts flying)
Dorothy: Shit, this is cool!
3 hours later…
Dorothy: Um, okay, the coolness is wearing off now.
(the house lands)
Dorothy: Crap! I think we ran over something! (she runs outside and is greeted by Glinda and the Munchkins)
Glinda: Congrats, kid, you've just killed the Wicked Witch of the East!
Munchkins: (in highpitched demonic voices): We're free! We love you! We will now sing incredibly obvious things in incredibly annoying voices for an incredibly long time!
Glinda: Oh shit. Thanks a lot.
(wicked witch of the west appears)
Witch: Glinda, what the hell did you do to my sister?
Glinda: I didn't do it! Hey, wait a second, how'd you know?
Witch: I'm a witch, you idiot.
Glinda: Oh, yeah.
Dorothy: Wait, how did these shoes get on my feet?
Witch: Glinda, you witch! Those were my sister's!
Glinda: Get ahold of yourself. They're just shoes. You obviously don't have the taste to appreciate them.
Witch: -looks at her shoes- Well…it's not my fault I'm green, and it's not easy, either!
Glinda: Nor is it easy to look at.
Witch: I'd shut up if I were you.
Glinda: Well, you're not, thank God!
Witch: Grrrr! (she disappears in a puff of red smoke)
Dorothy: That was freaky.
Glinda: Tell me about it. Oh, well, I have an errand to run. See ya! (she flies away in her bubble.)
Munchkins: Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the-
Dorothy: Okay, okay! I got it the first time! What do you think I am, an idiot?
Munchkin 1: Well, you weren't in the cellar during a tornado.
Dorothy: My dog ran off!
Munchkin 2: So? It's annoying!
Dorothy: You're annoying! (she leaves)
Dorothy: La di dum dum dum…ooh look, it's a scarecrow!
Scarecrow: What's up?
Dorothy: Holy shit! You talk!
Scarecrow: Yeah, lots of things talk around here. Except that most of them are animals, so they really aren't things, so actually, they don't count. But whatever.
Dorothy: Um…okay then.
Scarecrow: Could you, like, get me down? Some idiot stuck me up here and now I've got a giant stick up my butt, which is really not how I'd like to be remembered.
Dorothy: Sure. (she does so).
Scarecrow: Thanks. Now…um…my only issue is that I, uh…don't have a brain! Yeah, that's it.
Dorothy: Well, that sucks for you. Bet you failed history.
Scarecrow: I had a good tutor.
Dorothy: Well, I'm going to the Emerald City to see the Wizard, wanna come?
Scarecrow: Why not. Maybe the Wizard can give me a brain.
Dorothy: Glinda said he could send me back to Kansas.
Dorothy: Yep. I landed in Munchkinland, my house crushed the Wicked Witch of the East like a bug, so the Munchkins love me, and Glinda told me to follow this road. Then some scary green lady appeared and started yelling about shoes.
Scarecrow: So she wasn't going nuts when she started talking about flying houses! I mean…wow. Cool shoes.
Dorothy: They pinch.
Scarecrow: Ness- I mean, the Wicked Witch of the East- had small feet.
Dorothy: Why do you know that?
Scarecrow: A little Bird told me.
Dorothy: Oh, okay.
(they run into the Tinman)
Dorothy: Are you a robot, or what?
Dorothy: Oh, sorry. (she dumps oil all over him).
Tinman: Thanks. I have no heart. The Wicked Witch of the East did it and her sister helped.
Dorothy: Um…okay. Wanna come to the Emerald City and ask the Wizard for a heart?
(they skip inanely along the road until they enter a forest)
Dorothy: I'm scared.
Scarecrow: You should be.
Tinman: Not helping.
Scarecrow: Who said I wanted to help?
Tinman: I'm the heartless one, stupid.
Dorothy: (ignoring them) There's lions and tigers and bears in this forest.
Scarecrow: Nope. There's Lions and Tigers and Bears.
Dorothy: That's what I just said.
Scarecrow: No, there's a difference.
Dorothy: This place is weird.
Tinman: No shit.
(the Lion jumps out at them)
Scarecrow: Hey there.
Lion: You're supposed to be scared!
Scarecrow: Oh, well, too bad. I'm too dumb to be scared. And I'm straw. Nothing hurts me.
Lion: Oh, well then.
Tinman: (jumps out at Lion) Boo!
Lion: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You made me wet my- well, I don't have any pants, but you get the idea.
Dorothy: Ew. And ew.
Scarecrow: Wanna come get some courage from the Wizard of Oz?
Lion: I heard that guy was kind of a jerk.
Tinman: You're wrong, it's the Witch of the West who's a jerk.
Scarecrow: (glares at Tinman inexplicably).
Dorothy: Let's skip!
Lion: Must we?
Lion: Okay, okay! Please don't kill me!
Dorothy: Dude, you weigh like ten times more than me. I couldn't hurt you if I tried.
Lion: Whatever. Your dog is creepy.
(they continue through the forest until they come upon a small house. They stop for some reason and the Witch appears on the roof in a puff of smoke)
Dorothy: Holy shit!
Witch: I'm going to stuff a mattress with you!
Witch: Shut up! You really are brainless!
Scarecrow: Sorry! Didn't mean to mess up your 'big plan.'
Witch: This would have been your idea.
Scarecrow: Oh. Heh heh. Right.
Dorothy: WTF are you talking about!
Witch: Um...nothing! Now...give me those shoes, or...or...or...else, that's what!
Dorothy: Nope, sorry. They're stuck. Pinch like heck, too.
Witch:Yeah, Glinda never did quite get that transforming bit down.
Scarecrow: Except that one time when she turned your dress into a pink fluffy one in the middle of the dining hall, remember?
Witch: I was actually trying to block that out, thanks.
Tinman: Hey, wait a sec! You sound familiar.
Scarecrow: Um...no, I don't.
Lion: Yeah, actually, come to think of it, you do!
Witch: Could we get back to the threats now? They're kinda fun.
Glinda: (pops out of nowhere)Like father like daughter!
Witch: What the...
Glinda: Erm...nothing! I'll just go away now.
Witch: Hurry it up! I'm so not over you helping kill my sister.
Glinda: That was so not my fault!
Witch: Was too! (they get in another catfight)
Glinda: Oh, right. (she disappears).
Tinman: -drools on scarecrow-
Scarecrow: Dude. Ew. You'll make me mold. -gives witch a look-
Witch: Sor-ree! Let's remind ourselves that you'd be molding six feet under if I hadn't...
Scarecrow: I know, I know! I was only kidding!
Witch: Well, good.
Scarecrow: Don't you have somewhere to be? Like, oh, I don't know...maybe filling stuff up and putting it in obvious places around that castle that I've -ahem ahem- NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE!
Witch: Oh, yeah. I still don't get why we couldn't just...(she disappears, still fuming)
Dorothy: Why's that smoke red?
Scarecrow: She's pissed. Not that I'd know, of course. Just a guess.
Tinman: I have to pee.
Scarecrow: Well, good luck with that.