A/N: Hey ) Another update!!! Sorry it took so long. Grade 10 is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Ok well, don't forget to review.
Disclaimer: No…I don't own them. Sigh I'm angry at whoever invented disclaimers…they just depress me.
The doctor sat down beside Dean and tried to settle himself into it. Dean felt an odd sense of satisfaction that the doctor felt the chairs were just as uncomfortable as he's found them. And then he stopped himself in the middle of his gloating, remembering that every second he sat revelling in his sense of self-satisfaction was another moment that Sam could be dying. He straightened himself at that thought and waited for the doctor to begin.
"My name is Dr. Seater, I'm Sam's attending physician."
Dean nodded and reached out and shook the doctor's outstretched hand, impatient for the doctor to begin.
"Dean, I'm afraid that your brother isn't in good condition…" Dean felt his stomach drop right through the floor.
"But he's okay right? I mean he's not going to die or anything is he?"
The doctor gave him a slightly sympathetic look, "Unfortunately I can't give you an answer to that question, Dean but maybe you can answer my questions? Any information you give us can be essential in Sam's case."
Dean nodded helplessly, "If it helps."
Dr. Seater glanced down at his charts, Sam's charts and looked back up to face Dean with steady brown eyes and a level gaze.
"Is there any hereditary diseases in your family?"
Dean shook his head, "Not that I know of."… unless people they loved getting hurt by a maniacal demon counted as a hereditary disease.
"Does Sam have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?"
"Sam?" Dean asked incredulously, nearly choking over his tongue.
"Please Dean, just answer the question."
"What about depression? Has Sam ever suffered from that?"
Dean hesitated slightly. What happened after Jess's death wasn't really depression was it? "No he hasn't. Not that I know of anyway."
"Are you sure?" Dr. Seater pressed, "Has anything happened recently in Sam's life? Something that could affect his attitude about everything?"
"Why do you say that?" Dean was on the defensive; Dr. Seater seemed to be implying something.
"We found burn marks, around Sam's forearms. They're pretty bad."
"Are you telling me that you think Sam did that to himself?"
"Well that's what we're trying to find out. Is there any…--"
"That's impossible!" Dean interrupted, fury building inside of him. "Sam's my brother and I know him better than anyone. I know he would never do anything like that to himself." What scared Dean the most was that he'd said that to assure himself more than the doctor.
How well did he really know Sam? He'd had been gone for almost two years and an awful lot could change in that time. Not to mention that when they'd first set back out on the road, Sam had been in his little shell;, scared or maybe unable to show any emotions because of his overwhelming grief. Of course, Dean had been so happy to have his brother back that he hadn't really tried to get to know the new Sam.
"Dean please calm down," Dr. Seater's voice was so painfully calm and emotionless that it made Dean want to hit him. "I need to know, has anything happened to Sam?"
"His girlfriend, Jess, she died in a fire not too long ago. Sam was in the room and… well I pulled Sam out but I was too late for Jess. I don't know much, we don't talk about it but I know he loved her more than anything." Saying that out loud had somehow changed Dean's whole perspective on Jess. He'd never really understood how much Sam's loss must have affected his little brother; how much Sam had truly loved her. Suddenly everything was different.
"I see." The doctor nodded his head with understanding, but it only served to irritate Dean more. "I'm guessing that would explain the burns."
Dean opened his mouth to say something; to tell the doctor that the fire hadn't be that recent but something stopped him. There was something wrong here, something that Sam had not told him and bringing the doctor to believe that Sam was suicidal---which he was not, at least Dean hoped--that would mean he would never get a chance alone with Sam once he was awake. All in all he figured it was a good idea to keep his mouth shut.
"What about your family?" The doctor's voice pulled Dean out of his thoughts, "How were you guys raised?"
"Excuse me, what?"
"Yeah, I heard you. What does this have to do with Sam being sick?" Dr. Seater had triggered a defence mechanism that had been buried deep within him. He had learnt that talking about his family only led to more questions. Questions that he wanted to avoid almost as much as the painful memories that talking about his family brought up.
"Just trying to get a read on Sam's mental state. It could affect his recovery."
"Yeah, well his mind is fine." Dean's irritation rose to irrational anger, "It's his body that needs the help." He had stood up in an almost uncontrollable fury right now, all his pent up emotions desperate to find a way to escape.
"Dean, please calm down. I jus…"
"Don't you tell me to calm down! My brother could be dying and you don't even know what's wrong with him." He was close to tears. Whether they were tears of anger, worry, or exhaustion he didn't know. He had cried too little in his life to recognize which one.
"No," Dean cut him off again, "You should be in there helping him instead of sitting here asking me all these questions like some fucking shrink or something."
The doctor rose to his feet to look at Dean coldly, "I know your worried Dean but there are other people in here and I'm sure they can do without your disruptions." Dean suddenly became very aware of all the eyes in the waiting room staring at him, "I think it would be better for everyone if you left for some sleep and came back in a couple of hours when you're feeling better."
Dean shook his head. "There's no way I'm leaving Sam alone."
The doctor sighed and beckoned to a couple of orderlies, "If someone could please escort him out."
"Forget it," Dean said angrily, "I can escort myself out. But when I come back I want to know what's wrong with Sam."
Dr. Seater nodded slightly, "We'll do everything we can."
"Whatever." Dean scooped up his jacket from his fallen chair and left the building; fuming and muttering angrily under his breath.
Dean was standing in the rain just outside of the hospital, barely feeling the raindrops as they soaked his hair and ran down his back; drenching his shirt and jacket. He had made a huge mistake leaving. What if Sam woke up? What if something went wrong and he wasn't there? He felt so helpless. Sam could be dying and there was nothing he could do. Those were the only thoughts that made it thorough his mess of emotions. Playing over and over again like a broken record.
He sat down on a bench, paying no attention to the rain, lost in his state of helplessness. He jumped when a girl came out of the hospital and sat on the other side of the bench. Her dark hair was already soaked and plastered to her head while her eyes were slightly puffy, indicating that she had been crying. Dean idly wondered what had happened to make her so upset.
She didn't seem to notice that he was there so Dean watched her curiously as she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and, putting one in her mouth, tried to light it. As soon as it was lit though, the rain put it out and either she didn't notice or she just didn't care. Dean watched as she 'smoked' the unlit cigarette. He finally decided to say something, but he wasn't sure what. He struggled for a second; his thinking slower than usual because of his almost overwhelming exhaustion. In the end all he could come up with was:
She jumped slightly, looking over at him with bewildered eyes. After taking him in she calmed slightly and looked up into the cloudy sky, letting the water run down over he face.
"Yeah," she said sarcastically, "I can see that."
"No, what I meant was isn't it sort of hard to smoke a wet cigarette?"
"Oh this?" She looked at the cigarette rather regretfully and threw it away, "I quit anyway. It's just stress."
"Yeah, I know what you mean…" The silence between them was awkward; only the sound of the pattering rain and the occasionally clap of distant thunder provided any noise.
"So," the woman said, "What brings you here?"
Dean sat a moment longer in the painful silence, the memories welling up. "It's my brother he… he's sick."
"I didn't mean to the hospital. I meant what brought you here to the town."
"Oh." he muttered, slightly embarrassed.
"No it's okay. For me it's my boyfriend. He…he--" She seemed to develop a mental block, her eyes filling with fresh tears. "I'm sorry." she hastily wiped the tears away, "It's just saying it means it's real. I'm still hoping that it's all a dream."
"No, it's okay. Don't apologize. I'm Dean by the way." He extended his hand in a friendly gesture and she looked at him strangely.
"Dean… Dean…" she muttered under her breath, still holding his hand.
"Uh yeah?" he asked, slightly freaked.
"Dean? As in Sam? Dean and Sam Winchester?"
"How'd you know that?"
"My sister…she used to go to school with Sam," she said absently, finally giving him back his hand, "I can't believe it's you guys. So where's… Oh." It finally clicked in her head. "Oh, I'm so sorry."
"No it's not." She was right. It wasn't okay. If okay were the North Pole he would be at the South Pole;that's how not okay it was. It felt like it would never be okay again.
The world was foggy and everything was unclear. He wasn't even sure where he was, apart from the fact that he wasn't burning anymore. Right now it was more like immersed in dark water. Silent and cold and safe. For once he felt safe and secure, like nothing could touch him.
He could hear the machine as it beeped along with his heart. The steady pace that could have drove him crazy. The beat that held his life in its rhythm.
Where was Dean? He opened his eyes and tried to focus but there was two of everything. Two windows, four legs, four hands. But no Dean. No Dean.
There was never any Dean when he needed him the most. Sometimes he despised his brother for coming that night and taking him away, but he immediately regrets the thought when he thinks of life without Dean. There was no life without Dean. There was Jess… and then him, on the ceiling. Him and Jess burning on the ceiling. Together forever.
He was thirsty. His throat burning. On fire. Like Jess. He tried to sit up to look for a glass of water but a searing pain shot through his back and he fell down, sweating from the simple effort. Sweating for trying to put out the fire.
He heard quiet foot steps. He hoped it wasn't the demon. He was weak. He was disoriented. He hoped it wasn't the demon.
It was a nurse. Young, smart, perfect. Like Jess but without the ceiling. Without the fire.
She walked over and he stared up at her, both of her, wavering in his vision. She looked down and smiled when she saw that he was awake. Her smile was so motherly that it confused him. She couldn't be much older than him. No older than Dean.
Where was Dean?
The brother he didn't really want back.
The family that he had never wanted to be a part of.
The mother he had never known.
The father he had never seen.
Why hadn't he missed them?
How could he have been brought back into this world of lies?
Why couldn't he admit defeat and just wither into the fire?
Too many questions. Questions with answers he could never comprehend. Feelings he could never understand. Actions he would always regret.
Where was Dean?
He tried once again to sit up but he groaned in pain as his muscles drove him back down. The nurse turned around and walked over when she saw him struggling to get up. She pushed on his shoulder to keep him down but he kept struggling.
"You have to stop struggling against it… uh…" she looked down at her charts, "Sam. It'll get better. If you want something I can get it for you."
It wasn't as hard to form the words as he'd first thought, "Dean. My brother?"
She smiled. "I'll go see if I can find him."
A/N: Okay…I know it took forever and I'm not going to hand out excuses (but I have a good one if anyone needs one). Just be happy with this because I know I am. The next chapter should be out really soon!