Written as a gift!fic for Lucindathemaid
To Touch the Light
If she reached out her hand far enough, she still couldn't touch the Light – she couldn't have ever felt it. Even if she tangled her hands in her hair, smoothed her scalp so close to scratching it, the Light would still be so far away – Kagura would still be alone.
And yet she still felt she was growing, becoming someone different – changing – and the dreams and nightmares of ginger hair and rainy, monstrous nights seemed to fade and blur slowly away.
Though even when she had those dreams, she had never felt alone.
But Kyou had touched it, the Light that she never wanted to see – the Light that she had accepted yet slightly feared would take her dreams away – it would take him away.
When it did, she wasn't angry, but she was angrier that this Light had hesitated, almost denied the gift that Kagura felt she was giving her – giving her for his benefit.
Then when it was all said and done, Kagura felt empty – relieved – yet empty, and out of a strange sense of vacancy her heart's shallow side had felt envy, a strange trepidation that she would be the only one who would not know the Light.
This Light, this strange girl who came into their family and became yang to their God's yin, and then had touched everyone – everyone had a piece of her that they could hold.
Kagura didn't feel this way – she didn't feel touched. Sure, Tohru had offered friendship to her; she had taken her broken Kyou into her open, loving arms. But because of this, Kagura felt cheated.
I have given so much to you, Kagura thought bitterly, an image of Kyou kissing Tohru so tenderly burned on her brain. The least you could do is give something to me – something equal.
Kagura rather thought giving up Kyou to Tohru was worth more than anything she had ever gotten from her. Friendship wasn't enough. Smiles weren't enough. Kindness, hope, the future, they just weren't enough. It wasn't Kagura's way. She was a boar after all; she was more sensory. She wanted sensory, something tangible that lessened her from feeling so alone.
"Oh, Kagura," Tohru smiled. She sat up in her hospital bed, weak, but not weak enough to smile – her face beaming with such endearing light. "If you're looking for Kyou –"
"I'm not," Kagura said, her hands fidgeting in front of her. "I came to see you."
"Well, that was most kind of you –" Tohru said but Kagura had to interrupt her again.
"Please, tell me ..." Kagura didn't know how to phrase the question just right. Tohru was weak and had nowhere to run. She didn't want to scare her. She only wanted her acceptance. "What was it like to kiss Kyou? I know ...I know he loves you."
Kagura dropped her gaze to the floor. Her face burned and itched with anxiety and fear of rejection.
But Tohru understood. She always did. She reached out her hand and took Kagura's in hers.
"Kyou-kun's kiss brought me to life," she whispered softly, caressing her fingers over Kagura's hand. Kagura thought the friction felt very warm, and she felt ready to cry.
"I'm glad," Kagura said, and she looked at Tohru directly with sadness. She pleaded, "I wish I knew how it feels like to be alive."
Tohru seemed confused, but Kagura leaned into her still clutching Tohru's hand. "Just one time ... and I promise to leave you and Kyou alone for good ..." She paused and looked sideways, unsure if she should really go ahead with it. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and said rather quickly, "Just once I want to know what Kyou felt like when he touched you."
Bewildered, Tohru didn't quite understand, but with the way that Kagura was reacting she began to empathize anyway. She bent her head down, sighed, and nuzzled under Kagura's chin.
Shakily, Kagura moved her head and pressed her lips over Tohru's forehead. She whispered, "Thank you and sorry, Tohru-chan." Then she bent down, and pressed a light kiss over Tohru's chapped lips. Under her kiss, she could feel Tohru smiling and accepting her. She couldn't feel hesitation, repulsion, or exasperation – she just felt Tohru. She felt the Light that she craved.
Tears began flowing down her cheeks, and instinctively, Tohru reached her weak hand up and wiped them away. She whispered as Kagura touched her nose with hers. "You're welcome, Kagura-chan."
Kagura laughed with a shaky voice, and she hugged her, tight enough to feel Tohru's heartbeat, and soft enough to treat her injuries tenderly. In that kiss and in those tears, Kagura felt the hollow part of her heart swell.
It was Bright. It was Warm.