Sirius Black stalked into the Great Hall, threw himself dramatically into a seat across from Peter, paused to build up appropriate suspense, and then announced, "Mary Sue Midgen must die!"
The other three Marauders exchanged glances. It ultimately fell to James to ask "And why exactly is that?"
This was a question that Sirius never actually had to answer, as the ultimate effect of all the dramatic stalking and pausing was that the very silly fourth-year girl he had mentioned, whom he had easily outpaced in the halls on his way to breakfast (his legs being much longer than hers), had caught up to him and was rapidly approaching the Marauders' spot at the Gryffindor table.
"Oh Siri!" she called. This sent the other boys into fits of snickers, as Sirius rolled his eyes. "Siri, I was waiting for you outside the Gryffindor common room, but you must not have seen me. I was hoping you would walk down to breakfast with me, since we can't sit together. But maybe tomorrow?" She gave him a hopeful and adoring look as she backed away towards the Hufflepuff table. Once Sirius judged she was out of earshot, he muttered, "Maybe never."
"I think that answers my question, Siri," James finally managed around the snickers.
"Shut it, Prongs. I really can't blame her for having a crush on me, but she's as dense as a whale, and if she doesn't stop with that ridiculous nickname, soon all the Slytherins will have picked it up. So this calls for swift, decisive action."
"Such as her death?" inquired Remus. "Don't you think that's a bit extreme?"
"We could put a long-lasting Silencing Charm on her. The Hufflepuffs might even thank us," suggested Peter.
"Not nearly malevolent enough to compensate for the horror that is Siri." Sirius shuddered in remembered horror. "She's used it twelve times already. For every one of them, I want her to suffer at least fifteen minutes of pain and terror. That's three hours worth, so let's make a list of promising hexes, preferably ones that affect the voice. Now, I was thinking we could modify that Sectumsempra thing of Snivellus' to cut her vocal cords-"
"Sirius! You cannot honestly be suggesting that we permanently mutilate a girl just because she's silly!" Remus looked genuinely shocked.
"Madam Pomfrey will be able to put her right, Moony. But if you think it's too much, why don't you make a suggestion?"
"Well," Remus hesitated, "I really don't know. For some reason I don't feel right about hexing a girl."
"Girls hex us all the time," Peter pointed out.
"Girls hex James all the time," Sirius retorted. "C'mon, Moony, it's not like beating a girl up, or something, she could easily fight back- oh god, she's coming back!"
"Oh, Siri, I just had another lovely idea. My friend Amber and I were just wondering if you and your friend-" Mary Sue turned to Remus. "What's your name?"
"Remus," he replied. Sirius was pleased to see he looked awfully uncomfortable.
"If you and your friend Remmie here would like to come study Astronomy-" here she winked insipidly- "with us tonight. Late tonight."
"We'll think about it," Sirius managed to get out, and thankfully it was enough to get her to leave again. James and Peter were back to snickering, but Remus looked fit to kill.
"That's another fifteen minutes for you, plus a half-hour for Remmie."
"Why a half-hour? She only used it once, Remmie. Besides, I thought you didn't feel right hexing a girl." Sirius usually knew better than to taunt Remus, who was the best of all the Marauders at getting creative revenge when provoked, but he didn't want to suffer alone. Besides, if Remus was provoked, his plans to stop Mary Sue were looking up.
"I'm over the girl thing. The evil that is Remmie transcends gender. And Remmie is far worse than Siri."
"I dunno, I think they're both pretty horrid," put in James. "They both sound like girls' names. And not even good girls' names."
"They're so cutesy, as if she thinks you're adorable baby animals or something."
"I may be an animal, but I'm hardly adorable," Remus growled.
"You could always bite her, Moony," Sirius suggested.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to joke about that? But no, Padfoot, I'm afraid not even Remmie merits that fate. Though I must admit that for the first time ever, I'm almost- almost- tempted."
"Don't look now," James interrupted, "but she's coming back again. Does this girl ever quit? Anyway, if you want revenge, better think fast."
Sirius had pretty much resigned himself to another round of Siri, as the Sectumsempra thing was really his only idea, and it would take time to work out the details. Just before Mary Sue arrived at their table, though, Remus leaned over and whispered something in his ear.
He pulled out his wand and called out "Germalingua" just as Remus shouted "Mucitussio!"
And so Mary Sue Midgen of the sugary nicknames spent the next twenty-four hours coughing up phlegm and able to speak only German, basically as un-cute as it was possible to be. Remus and Sirius, otherwise known as Moony and Padfoot, never again called Remmie and Siri, felt it was appropriate.