Sorry for the long wait! But now, I'm pleased to say, this story is completed! Took so long probably 'cause Jon and I couldn't meet as often as we'd like...anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little bit of crack as much as we enjoyed writing it.
And we just found out that not only does this fic break the fourth wall, it breaks the fifth one as well. Who'da thunk XD
...and I can't help but say again, that the character I enjoyed writing most of all was Edward Benson. He's such a pompous ass.
He had offered to host the meeting at his house, but noooo, the other one had decided to be all melodramatic about the whole business.
Scriptwriter(FMA) just wanted to know how to solve the problem. He didn't need to be initiated into the Secret Alliance of Scriptwriters Against Anime and Manga Mutineers, or the SASAAMM.
But Scriptwriter(DBZ) had insisted, so now he found himself standing naked, knee-deep in a pond in the basement of some dingy bar, and trying to fish out the Sacred Ring of SASAAMM from the water using only his mouth. Apparently this was supposed to prove his determination or something.
"Daddy, can we go now?" his daughter asked.
"Jufft a shecond," Scriptwriter(FMA) said tiredly, pulling his head out of the water with the ring clenched between his teeth.
Scriptwriter(DBZ) looked slightly affronted. "It took too little time," he said crossly. "Now I'll have to give you another test."
Scriptwriter(FMA) groaned. "But I've already climbed a wall and captured the flag, eaten the fake cockroaches, pulled the Sacred Sword of Whatever out of the stone, and found the Sacred Ring!"
"True," Scriptwriter(DBZ) conceded. "Last one, then. I promise."
"That's what he said last time!" the Daughter said crossly.
"SILENCE!" boomed Scriptwriter(DBZ), and turned to Scriptwriter(FMA). "What is she doing here, anyway? I thought I told you that no girls were allowed here. They have their own group – the Secret Alliance of Female Scriptwriters Against the Secret Alliance of Male Scriptwriters and Anime and Manga Mutineers (better known as the SAFSASAMSAMM)."
There were murmurings of agreement from the other robed figures in the room.
"I told you, I had to bring her! The wife thinks we need to spend more quality time together and booted us out of the house."
"Fine," Scriptwriter(DBZ) gave in. "But we'll have to blindfold her for the Secret Initiation Rites."
"Now you remember to blindfold me?" the girl muttered sarcastically, gesturing towards her naked father. "I've already seen more than I ever wanted to, thanks a lot."
"Can we just get on with it?" Scriptwriter(FMA) pleaded. "I have to get everything fixed before tomorrow's episode airs."
"Very well." Scriptwriter(DBZ) gestured, and the rest of the SASAAMM gathered around. "As Great Leader of SASAAMM, I hereby appoint you a Minor Weevil of the Third Order." He draped a ceremonious vivid orange robe over Scriptwriter(FMA)'s shoulders.
Everybody cheered, and tried to pat Scriptwriter(FMA) on the back.
"NOW can you tell me how to deal with my mutiny?"
"First we must FEAST!" cried Scriptwriter(DBZ), waving his hand extravagantly.
"Can we go home now?" sighed the Daughter.
After several hours of feasting, obligatory toasting, and drunk people pushing each other into the pond, Scriptwriter(DBZ) decided it was finally time to enlighten the newcomer.
"Now," he said dramatically, "listen closely, for we shall impart unto you the secret which has been passed down in our organization for many hundreds of generations. You see, many of us have, at some point or other, found ourselves in the quandary of which you speak. Many of us have suffered the indignity of characters which we have created and nurtured turn against us, and erupt into vile Mutiny."
"Honey, come over here," Scriptwriter(FMA) called his daughter, suddenly coming upon a brilliant way in which he could get revenge on these annoying SASAAMMers. "You might not have another chance to hear all the dark secrets of an all-male Secret Society."
"It makes no difference," sniffed Scriptwriter(DBZ). "Her puny female mind could not possibly comprehend the profound complexity of our secrets."
The Daughter sat down and crossed her arms, making up her mind that she would remember every single word.
"I will tell you the wondrous story of my own salvation. It all began near the end of the Namek Saga of the fabulous work of art that is Dragonball Z.
"Goku was fighting Frieza, and all the rest of the Z-warriors were teleported back to Earth. Goku got sick of the beauteous long-drawn-out dramatic fight, and asked to be teleported along with the rest of them, leaving Frieza to blow up with the planet. The fiends then skipped forward a year, collected the Dragonballs, wished that Earth would never be threatened again, and retired."
"That didn't happen!" the Daughter said authoritatively, looking down her button nose at the poor, dim-witted Scriptwriter.
"PRECISELY!" Scriptwriter(DBZ) enthused, jumping up on his chair dramatically, missing the fact that the girl seemed to be understanding every word. "It never happened!"
"I don't understand," said Scriptwriter(FMA), trying to be patient.
"What you must do, dear Minor Weevil of the Third Order, is a rerun. That is what I did to my beloved series. I orchestrated a rerun from before their decision to Mutiny, and it was as if it never happened! Goku finished the fight on Namek, and returned to Earth a year later in time to start the next saga."
"Thank you!" cried Scriptwriter(FMA), grabbed his daughter's hand, and ran out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between himself and these lunatics as he could.
They reached home several hours before sunrise, and Scriptwriter(FMA) immediately called the new Producer, who immediately agreed to convene a meeting to discuss rerunning the series. Upon realizing how important this meeting was, he fast-tracked it for the closest possible date: within three days.
The Daughter, fully annoyed with the whole business, went up to her room and proceeded to pour her emotions out on her Livejournal, with a full account of the proceedings.
Really, why change the series? she complained. It's really cute right now, even if it makes no sense!!!
Within moments, the news of the imminent rerun, and possible changing of the ending of Fullmetal Alchemist, was all over the internet.
So much for the Secrets of SASAAMM.
The Pre-Official New Fuhrer Welcome Party was well underway. To add a festive feel to the gloomy hall, Edward had transmuted a large, mirrored ball out of the ceiling, which now threw little flecks of light all over the room.
Breda had produced a barrel of beer from somewhere, and was gleefully distributing mugs to everyone while Liza looked on disapprovingly.
Winry was busy trying to prevent Al from drowning Alfons in the newly-transmuted punch bowl, and Hohenheim was catching up with Sloth, who wasn't quite sure what to make of him.
Roy spent his time strutting around and making toasts to himself, and Ed was mimicking him behind his back, to the great amusement of all.
The appearance of the Gate in the middle of the hall interrupted Roy's 17th speech, and he glared at it reprovingly. Corporeal manifestations of abstract concepts were so impolite nowadays.
Out of the Gate stepped….Edward?
Everyone stared for a minute.
"YES!" the Edward cried, doing a little victory dance. "I did it! I made it! I'm finally ONSC-"
At once he was pounced on by three different Characters, who did their best to shut his mouth, nearly strangling him in the process.
"Are you insane?" Lust hissed. "You don't say the 'O' word Onscr-"
"OH MY!" Winry loudly overrode the various Characters' indiscretions. "HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ED! WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"
"It's probably Envy!" Ed said immediately, and transmuted his arm into a blade.
All the Characters looked at each other uncertainly for a moment, not sure what to do.
Benson shrugged the grasping arms off of him, suddenly nervous.
"It…must be Envy…?" Roy agreed uncertainly.
"Somebody do a Flashback or something," Al whispered hoarsely.
Surprisingly, it was Hohenheim who came to the rescue. "Envy? Was that the nice boy I met outside a few minutes ago?"
Everyone stared at him in shock.
"Nice boy…?" Ed said weakly.
"Why, yes!" Hohenheim said, initiating a Flashback. "You see, he walked up to me and…"
"Hey, I wanted to be Onscreen! Don't Flashback!" Benson complained.
Everybody whirled on him in fury, completely ignoring the ridiculous Flashback concerning an extremely long argument between Hohenheim and Envy during which the alchemist somehow managed to convince Envy that he didn't actually exist, causing him to run off in tears.
"Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing here?" Ed demanded, brandishing his blade.
"I'm the Fuhrer of this country, and I'm going to be asking the questions," Roy said crossly. After all, he was the true Main Character of the Series.
"My name is Edward Benson," announced Benson proudly. "You tried to cut me out of the Series! Well, I have outsmarted you! Already I have doubled my original Onscreentime, and increased my number of lines by 200! Wait and see, I shall yet-"
"Dear God, SHUT UP!" Winry chucked a wrench at him, to Ed's great glee.
Benson, his higher brain functions working once again now that he had stopped orating, realized that something was very wrong. "I can't understand a word you people are saying," he said crossly. Giving up on English, he tried, "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
"YES!" Alfons cried joyfully, throwing his arms around Benson. "I speak German! Finally someone I can understand! These people are insane! They've been doing the most horrible things to me! That little one there is psychotic – he keeps trying to murder me! I haven't done anything to them! I…I…" with that, he broke down and started sobbing into Benson's shoulder.
"Um, yeah," Benson said uncertainly, patting him awkwardly, and exchanging a worried look with the other Characters. "Is he quite sane?"
They seemed undecided on that, their responses ranging from vehement nods to worried shaking of heads.
"Children these days," said Hohenheim sadly. "And after I organized such a nice Flashback, too…"
"Right," Roy said, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to be the leader. "We need to decide what we're doing. What are we going to use as a cover story, since we can't just randomly add Ed's double to the Series?"
Everyone ignored the fact that they had done almost exactly that already with Alfons.
"He could be another side effect of something…" Ed suggested.
"That's just stupid," Winry said crossly.
"Let's sneak him away while the Flashback is on. Maybe nobody will notice," Fury offered hopefully.
"Never mind," Fury said.
"Maybe the combination of our attacks when we killed Pride caused the Gate to open," Lust suggested.
"I find it rather insulting that you seem to be having conversations without consulting me," said Benson crossly. "It's rude to talk in foreign languages in front of people who don't understand them. Look what you did to this poor guy," he motioned at Alfons, who was still draped over him and sniffling pitifully.
"He can be Ed's long-lost twin brother!" Breda suggested brightly.
"NO WAY!" Al cried. "No more brothers!"
"The Flashback is about to end," remarked Hohenheim despondently.
"I suppose you're all wondering how I succeeded in breaking through the dimensional barrier," said Benson, deciding that if they weren't going to ask him any questions, he would just tell them anyway. "You see," he began, about to start a Flashback.
Ed, who was quite familiar with Flashbacks, caught on immediately. "Wait, wait!" he waved his arms wildly. "Onscreen, Onscreen!"
"Oh," Benson said, understanding the word Onscreen. "You want me to explain Onscreen?" He preened slightly. More lines! Truly, being a Main Character was a blissful experience.
"YES!" everybody shouted, getting back into their previous positions, which involved prying Alfons away from Benson, and some quick attempts at comforting him.
"That was very interesting," said Liza, making the requisite inane comments that always came after a Flashback.
Everybody nodded in agreement.
"So obviously this young man cannot be Envy," Hohenheim concluded, and everybody nodded again.
Benson, taking the silence as his cue, puffed up his chest and began. "I expect you're all wondering how I succeeded in breaking through the dimensional barrier," he said. "You see, I come from a world very different from this one, a world far beyond the Gate…"
And he proceeded to Flashback about his takeover of the Thule Society and vanquish of Dante, narrating a completely fabricated version of the true events.
"Well, this should take a while," Ed said, looking at his long-winded double in disgust. "I think this guy can make more pretentious speeches than Mustang."
"I resent that comment," said Roy. "I think I'll make it an offense punishable by death to make fun of the Fuhrer."
"You would, wouldn't you," said Ed snidely.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Roy sharply.
Ed, who wasn't quite sure what it was supposed to mean, said quickly, "Oh, we all know that you're just jealous."
"Of you, Fullmetal?"
"Well, yeah," said Ed smugly. "Since I'm the Main Character and all, and the most popular one to boot."
Roy saw red. "You wish," he gritted out.
"We're wasting Offscreentime for this?" wondered Winry.
"I don't suppose we have anything better to do," Al shrugged, and put in his token "Brother, don't be so arrogant."
"Want me to prove it?" Ed challenged, and pointed to a square machine sitting unobtrusively in the nearest Camera's blind spot.
"Fine," said Roy.
Still lacking anything better to do, the rest of the characters gathered around the "computer", a small machine with a screen and keyboard which was jacked into the Camera's connection to the Outside.
"So? Shall we check one of my many fansites, or do you want to make a new poll somewhere?" Ed asked, already typing.
"How about we check one of my sites?" Roy retorted, trying to elbow Ed away from the keyboard.
"Um, guys," Al said tentatively, looking at the newest 'News' post.
"Shut up a sec, Al, this is my pride I'm defending!" Ed stated.
Liza shot a few bullets into the air, getting their attention. "Do you or do you not see the many people complaining about the fact that they are planning a Rerun?"
Silence greeted her words.
"Shit. Shit," Ed panicked. "We're doomed. The second they Rerun, we'll be back on the original Script!"
"It's not over yet!" Roy said grimly. "We still have half an Episode. It's obvious what we have to do. We have to end the Series NOW."
Winry's eyes brightened. "Once the Series is over, they can't make any changes!"
"We need a concrete plan," said Liza firmly.
"It shouldn't be that big a problem," said Breda. "We've pretty much finished up the Plot. After all, Dante's dead. Let's just wrap everything up in a fluffy Epilogue."
"We have to wait for this idiot to finish his story first," Ed pointed out.
"That's fine, it gives us time to iron out the details," Roy said. "So what do we do first, after we finish my official Becoming Fuhrer Party? A Timeskip?"
"Screw the party, nobody cares!" Ed snapped.
Roy was mortally offended.
"Boys, enough. We'll jump around, show a bit of what everyone is doing, all right?" Liza said, making it more of a statement than a question. The fact that she still had her gun out was purely coincidental, of course.
There were nods all around.
"Until when should we Skip?" Winry wondered. "A few months?"
"A year would probably be better," Al said.
Ed sniggered. "He's not going to like having a year of Offscreentime," he said, pointing at the still-expatiating Benson.
"So we're agreed," Roy said, then, ignoring the fact that Benson was still Flashbacking, turned to Ed. "Activate the Timeskip," he said reluctantly, being unable to do so himself.
Ed smirked at being proven the Main Character once and for all.
-TIMESKIP INITIATED – SERIES WILL RESUME IN ONE YEAR-
"I guess that's that," Winry said, almost sadly.
There was a silence, as all the characters realized they felt no different.
The silence was broken by a yell.
"What do you mean no Onscreentime for a year?!" Benson howled, already annoyed at having to cut short his Flashback. "If you're not going to let me have any Onscreentime, I heard that D. Gray-Man is looking for a lead character – I'll just go sign on there! Honestly, I don't see what the attraction of this Series is, anyway. Nobody gets any time at all! You waste practically the entire Series with Flashbacks! That's no way to run a show, let me tell you ……"
Taking no notice, Roy said, "We have a whole year ahead of us. Let's continue my party!"
"No!" Lust suddenly said. "I've waited long enough. You promised me payment for cooperating with this Mutiny." She leered at Ed, who backed away a little.
"Um," Ed said, looking for help. "Well…uh…"
Everybody just watched in amusement, not offering any sympathy whatsoever.
"Come, my pet," Lust purred, "I promise you'll enjoy it."
Near panic, Ed suddenly noticed Benson. "Take him!" he yelled wildly, and ran to grab his double by the shoulders, pushing him forward.
Benson looked around in confusion, not quite sure what they wanted from him.
"That wasn't the deal," Lust glared threateningly.
"But…" Ed floundered, then finally burst out, "He's taller than me!"
There was a stunned silence at the words.
Lust surveyed the double carefully. Well, he was quite similar to Ed, except for the shorter hair, but that didn't exactly look bad. And there was the height issue to be considered, as well as the advantages of him not missing any limbs…
"Fine," she said grudgingly, grabbing the confused Benson's arm and kissing him passionately.
"Huh?" Benson said dazedly, for once speechless, as he was dragged off.
"Wait!" Alfons cried, watching in despair as the only person who understood him was dragged off to parts unknown. He made to chase after them, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
Ed shook his head slightly. "You don't want to interrupt them," he said.
"He's the only one I can talk to!" Alfons tried to get away, but Ed wouldn't let go.
"Look, give yourself time, you'll learn the language," he said in exasperation. "Now come on, we're going back to Resembool."
"We are?" Winry and Al asked at the same time.
"Yeah, we have a house to rebuild!" Ed exchanged grins with them, and the three walked off, tugging Alfons behind him. Alfons cast one last glance back, sighed, and once more gave in to his fate.
Roy watched them go, mournfully thinking that he would miss bullying Ed. And that it looked like the party wasn't going to be nearly as much fun as he had hoped.
"Well," Roy said brusquely, "enough time has been wasted. We must get back to rebuilding the country." He raised a hand dramatically. "Continue the party!"
One year later.
Roy sat at the Fuhrer's ornate desk, in his massive, spacious office, buried behind mounds of paperwork, which was constantly being added to by a conscientious Liza. His only consolation was that she, like the rest of the female officers, was wearing a mini skirt.
Alfons stood in the field close to East City University, happily watching as one of his rockets launched perfectly.
Ed and Winry stood holding hands, exchanging sappy lovestruck glances as they said their vows. Hohenheim watched tearfully, looking happily at Sloth, who gave him a smile. Sheska tried to quiet her daughter, while Havoc proudly passed around pictures of her.
Al, the best man, stood next to Izumi and Sig, inordinately proud of his brother, and Pinako looked on in quiet satisfaction.
The summer sky was a vivid blue, with hardly a cloud in sight.
-END EXTENDED ENDCREDITS-
The Scriptwriter slammed a fist down on the table. "Damn!"